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Original poster

Not invited to cousins wedding - texted saying congratulations. Was that wrong?

126 replies

Ebee19 · 13/11/2023 23:43

Hi,
I (30) have two cousins who are 1 (31) and 2 (32) years older than me. I have made an effort to support their careers, say happy birthday (though never said back despite being on same day), send cards at birthday and Christmas, like on social media (though they don’t follow back) etc. I have made the effort to visit regularly prior to falling sick five years ago. I invite them to every birthday etc, but they have only come once. I definitely expected to come to their wedding as have never heard of cousins not going and have gone to peoples I was less close with.

Last summer, I suddenly saw photos of my cousins wedding online, with her other cousins as her bridesmaids. I was heartbroken, like actually sobbing. It was really painful and I am normally quite tough. I had always planned on having her as a bridesmaid and we talk every few months. My parents weren’t invited or my brothers, and were lied to that she was even married despite my dad flying five hours to see her exhibit a week later. However, my other aunt and uncle were. I decided to be the bigger person and sent a message saying congratulations a few weeks later and she responded saying thank you, and explained it was very small wedding. I never said I was hurt or anything, or asked why I wasn’t invited, but she volunteered it was small. I told her it was beautiful etc and just left it. The messages were all friendly and normal. In the end, I felt the pain was too much and have distanced myself from her since her wedding. I don’t support her career in the same way, and have muted everything online.

Her brother just got married. We had sent engagement cards and saw him just before covid and had a few texts back and forth. I would say we weren’t as close as his sister but still close enough, and once again we have spent money, time and travel to support his career and send a card every birthday and Christmas. Once again we weren’t invited and even more than that I actually texted his whole family the day before his wedding day about my mums 70th with no idea it was that day. They just didn’t respond. His wedding was much bigger and to be completely honest it has really frustrated my mum this time as was so big. It didn’t hurt as much as I didn’t expect to be invited after her sister, but was hurt when family was front and centre. I decided a week later to take the high road and once again sent a text saying congratulations and they looked so happy, and I would love to catch up soon. I got a thank you back but nothing more.

I had presumed it was due to my parents or something, as my aunt isn’t close to my dad (though my uncle does come for his birthday etc) and my cousins don’t like him, and my mum was close but basically trauma loaded on them when she last visited and they have not responded to her since. However, I had to email my uncle about something health related and he emailed back very matter of factly which was brutal. They also knew I was I hospital very unwell last time they saw my dad and didn’t reach out to my mum, which I know hurt her feelings. It has made it very difficult on our other aunt and uncle, as they have just not mentioned the weddings at all and we can kind of feel a gap forming. I’m not really sure if I have done something wrong here but was looking for some advice as I wanted to keep my cousins in my life etc. Is not inviting your cousins to your wedding, wanting them out your life and should I just not talk to them again? Or is just a numbers or wider family thing? Many thanks

OP posts:
Jewelspun · 14/11/2023 04:45

For years it has been one sided as you acknowledge and describe it.

Yet you were shocked you were not invited to their wedding?

You knew they didn't have much interest but you created this close family relationship in your mind and sadly when the realisation that they are not invested in having a close relationship it has hit you hard.

It's sad they don't feel the same way but it's unlikely to be because of you but more to do with the whole family dynamic where only immediate family matter to them.

SeethroughDress · 14/11/2023 05:42

OP, honestly, look at your own posts. The relationship you have in your head either never existed or has long stopped existing, but you seem oblivious.

Bellyblueboy · 14/11/2023 05:58

Please explain what you mean by supporting their careers? This is a first for me - I don’t support any of my families careers. I suppose I have helped some cousins prepare for interviews? But what is your dad doing?

wokbun · 14/11/2023 06:06

What's trauma dumping? Sounds like they responded to that by distancing themselves from your mum.

Gillypie23 · 14/11/2023 06:09

Why do you want them in your life when they treat you and your family badly. Leave them to it and move on.

BenZodiazapam · 14/11/2023 06:16

Why do you keep chasing people who aren’t interested in you? Often cousins really aren’t that close. None of mine came to my wedding, and I would expect to go to theirs.

TheWestIsTheBest · 14/11/2023 06:31

I have over forty cousins and think I've only been to two of their weddings. I don't live in the same country as them, although I did until about ten years ago. I didn't invite any of them to my wedding, as I only invited 26 people. I was close to a few of them when we were kids, but there are only one or two I am still in touch with. I suggest you are over analysing this, blood isn't necessarily thicker than water in my opinion.

Lochness1975 · 14/11/2023 06:32

When I was younger I was close to all of my cousins. There were family dynamics on dm side but we bungled through. Now we are all adults I don’t see any of them, and we we just ‘like’ say happy birthday etc over social media. None will be invited to my wedding because we aren’t close.

WhatNoRaisins · 14/11/2023 06:40

I suspect that there are a lot of us who love the idea of a big close extended family but the reality doesn't match up. Things like weddings and Christmas really bring it up.

From what you've written here your parents sound like awkward characters that other family members have distanced themselves from. It's not fair to you but it could be that they don't feel able to continue much of a relationship with you while avoiding your parents. I can imagine inviting a cousin but not their parents to a wedding will raise questions they'd want to avoid.

You may not have done anything wrong here but you can't force a relationship that doesn't exist. It takes two and they obviously aren't interested. Some people put a lot of stock in blood ties and others will prioritize those that are a more meaningful part of their daily lives. You can debate which preference is better but it won't change anything.

I get it, my extended family relationships aren't what I want either but try to focus on the people you do have in your life.

user1492757084 · 14/11/2023 06:44

Yes, invite them to your 30th.
It seems important to you that you do.
Yes, inform your father about the wedding. Do so in away that doesn't cause him to be judgemental of them if you can.
You don't want him to be too hurt.
Hopefully the family dynamics will improve again in the next years. Covid caused a big disruption to our social expectations.

PurBal · 14/11/2023 06:44

Families are complicated. And weddings are a PIA. I’ve been invited to weddings without DH. I’ve been DHs “plus one” on the grooms side only to find out I knew a cousin of the bride who hadn’t been invited. When BIL got married it was only his mum, other sibling, DH and me on his side. They had to change the date due to COVID (but not the number of guests) and actually uninvited some other relatives in favour of friends. These things are messy. All you can do is nod and smile and be the bigger person.

LemonCurd1 · 14/11/2023 06:46

Sorry but you seem to be ignoring or missing lots of cues. Step back. Stop getting so involved, no more gifts, money or supporting their careers (whatever that means), no bridesmaid inviting, no party invites. Tell your dad they are married too. That is where your family loyalty should be. They just aren’t interested or bothered with you.

Mutters123 · 14/11/2023 06:48

It sounds as if their relationship with your dad is a big part of the issue here. Family dramas around weddings are a nightmare! This is especially true if parents are paying or contributing. Even if I had want to invite any cousins, I would have decided against it because it would have caused upset if I invited them and not their awful parents. Not sure if this is happening but you mentioned your partner saying that you shouldn’t invite them to your birthday. I would be a bit concerned that he might be trying to alienate you from your family. This really isn’t something you should be taking personally although I understand why you are hurt by it.

Olika · 14/11/2023 06:50

I think you need to see them for who they are, not what/how you would like them/things to be. Stop making effort and tell your dad so he can make his choice.

NoItsStillNighttimeDarling · 14/11/2023 07:08

I think this is going to sound really mean and I truly don't mean it to, but you sound very similar to my cousins.

Whilst we played together etc as children I don't know them particularly well as adults and it wouldn't occur to me to contact them for a chat/invite them to my birthday etc like I would do a friend. They're nice enough, but I have limited free time and we are just very different people.

However, for some reason they seem to be very very keen on having a relationship with me and my family (siblings etc) and force themselves on us at regular intervals. It always makes for awkward situations where no one really knows what to say other than them telling us how nice it is to see us and how upset they have been that we haven't made more of an effort to see them more. This has been going on for literally about 15 years.

Admittedly I did invite them to my wedding as it would have upset my grandma if I didn't, but I didn't do that because I have any real interest in them as people. (Incidentally my uncle spent the day making snide comments and loudly proclaiming that he was getting drunk 'on our money' going as far as to steal bottles of wine from other tables during the wedding breakfast.)

I suppose the point I'm trying to make is, not everyone gets along and we don't all have to. Why are you so bothered? Sounds like they aren't keen on furthering your relationship and you have your own health issues to worry about, so you don't need any extra stress!

Pipsquiggle · 14/11/2023 07:08

OP your posts are rambling and there are huge huge drip feeds which is annoying.

First of all your parents are divorced so it would be highly unusual to invite your mum as it sounds like she was the one who married into that side of the family.

Sounds like no-one likes to your dad even though 'he helps them with their careers' (WTF does that mean?)

You mention 'flying' a few times - are you even physically located near to your cousin's?

If no-one really likes your dad it would be really difficult to invite his ex-wife and his children to the wedding and not him, particularly if he has history of being an arse.

I didn't invite half of my cousins to my wedding due to my batshit aunty having a falling out with my mum. I wasn't bothered, I wasn't that close to my cousins

Invite who you want to your 30th. My 30th was a big party in a bar in London, it was great.

I am sorry but your cousins don't sound as into you as they are to you.

DoneWithHer · 14/11/2023 07:12

I definitely consider when I have last seen people when thinking about who I'm inviting to my wedding. You haven't seen your cousin since 2019... I know you say you were sheilding but it's Nov of 2023 now!

I wouldn't consider someone who sends a birthday text and I see rarely as a close cousin.

Merseymum992 · 14/11/2023 07:17

What do you mean when you say that you have spent time and money supporting their careers?

TroysMammy · 14/11/2023 07:17

I'm one of what was originally 31 cousins. As the family was so large only Aunties and Uncles were invited to weddings.

MariaVT65 · 14/11/2023 07:17

RunningFromInsanity · 13/11/2023 23:52

I think you are basing your expectations on your familial relationship rather than your actual relationship.

You were going to have someone as your bridesmaid that you only talk to every few months, never sends you birthday cards and doesn’t come to any of your events?
You aren’t close.

Sorry Op i haven’t had time to RTHT but i agree with this. I found it a bit odd that you were going to ask someone to be your bridesmaid who you only speak to every few months.

I think a lot of have weird cousin relationships where even though we are related, we’re not actually that close.

Forsakenalmosthuman · 14/11/2023 07:22

I have to say it never occurred to me to invite my cousins to my wedding. I have 23 first cousins on my mother's side alone... and I'm not a millionaire.

SpringIntoChaos · 14/11/2023 07:25

OP...read all of your posts back as if they were written by someone else...you'll hopefully see that this is all a bit batshit! You DON'T have a close relationship your cousins so stop catastrophising something that's only in your head.

Pipsquiggle · 14/11/2023 07:31

@Ebee19 also tell your dad so he can choose whether he wants to keep 'supporting their careers'

Beautiful3 · 14/11/2023 07:34

Yes you should tell them that they got married. They aren't that close to you now, and didn't want you and your family to attend. I would back off and stop with the acknowledging, sending congrats and sending cards. If you see them, be civil and polite. You don't need them, you have your own family and friends.

Dacadactyl · 14/11/2023 07:40

All my and DHs many cousins were invited to our wedding. From being engaged to married, we had less than 5 months. Most cousins came, some didn't (they were travelling, at festivals and we'd not given a lot of notice etc)

I wouldn't have ever not invited them, but we are not in touch except for weddings, funerals and I couldn't tell you the month most of them were born in, let alone their actual birthday.

However, some people are trying to keep the cost down and only want people they're particularly close to at their wedding, whereas others take a more the merrier approach.

2 of my cousins only invited us to the evening do when they got married, but knew we wouldn't accept cos we're hundreds of miles away and had youngish kids at the time (kids not invited) Don't take it personally!