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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think nearly all relationships start in a socially unacceptable way?

101 replies

Firefly1987 · 12/11/2023 21:41

At least in real life. I'm not interested in OLD, I like being single for the most part but if I happen to like a guy I meet then I'm open to a relationship but of course he's almost always in a relationship already. If I like a guy at work there's no way I can let him know if he is already taken. No flirting, no saying "give me your number if you split up with your gf because I'm interested"-all probably socially unacceptable. All emotional cheating or trying to steal a guy away and frowned upon. So I stay single, then if he does finally split up with his gf I can't pounce the minute that happens I have to wait a certain amount of time, or I look like I've been plotting this (well I probably have LOL) so I have to wait a few weeks, also because he'd be on the rebound. By that time some other woman has probably pounced and I've lost my chance AGAIN.

I just think anyone who found a single decent guy must be very very lucky the timing was right. Or I just think there was some overlap, and emotional cheating. I know there are guys who are long-term single but mumsnet thinks this is a "red flag" in itself most of the time. So how does one find a relationship with someone they might actually find attractive exactly?

YANBU-it's hard to start a relationship
YABU-there are eligible bachelors everywhere

OP posts:
theduchessofspork · 12/11/2023 21:45

I don’t think there are bachelors everywhere (hence OLD).

But you can be friendly with a bloke at work so if he happens to come single you can ask him out for a drink if you are interested. I think you are overthinking there.

J11b · 12/11/2023 21:50

Kind of unreasonable? Why the focus on people you work with? Seems restrictive
My unsolicited advice is to find some new hobbies, expand your network and you’re bound to improve your chances of meeting an ‘eligible’ person but more importantly just have some fun too

Papillon23 · 12/11/2023 21:53

I've now reached the enviable/unenviable position of being about a decade? or so ahead in my career of the majority of my contemporaries. So I can't even meet someone at work because it would be a dodgy "is the boss taking advantage" type situation.

Online dating just feels like such a drag. I've given up now tbh.

KateyCuckoo · 12/11/2023 21:57

Everyone of my friends has been with their husbands since teens or early 20s so everyone was single and normal and very decent.

BashfulClam · 12/11/2023 22:00

I met my ex simply by speaking to him
in a pub. Both single, both fancied each other..,if didn’t last and DH was OLD.

Original poster
Firefly1987 · 12/11/2023 22:11

J11b · 12/11/2023 21:50

Kind of unreasonable? Why the focus on people you work with? Seems restrictive
My unsolicited advice is to find some new hobbies, expand your network and you’re bound to improve your chances of meeting an ‘eligible’ person but more importantly just have some fun too

That was just an example-it's mostly been the case for me I've fallen for someone at work from seeing them often and feelings develop like that. It takes a long time for me (often it'll hit me out of the blue one day after months I'll suddenly realise I find someone attractive) so it's not something I'm really interested in casually or something I'd go out of my way to look for. But realistically at some point, a guy is probably gonna split up with his gf and then the issue is, when is it acceptable to go for it? Is it acceptable to let him know you think he's attractive whilst still with his gf even? Then if he splits up with her and he's interested when he's ready to date again, and assuming I'm still single, it'd be easy to just get together.

OP posts:
Original poster
Firefly1987 · 12/11/2023 22:15

Papillon23 · 12/11/2023 21:53

I've now reached the enviable/unenviable position of being about a decade? or so ahead in my career of the majority of my contemporaries. So I can't even meet someone at work because it would be a dodgy "is the boss taking advantage" type situation.

Online dating just feels like such a drag. I've given up now tbh.

Ah that's really tough! Work is usually the best place to meet people I find, but still hard hence the thread...your situation sounds especially tough. One of my bosses asked my workmate out, she wasn't interested and it just got SO messy.

Yeah I wouldn't bother with online, I like being single for the most part but if I fall in real life I fall HARD and then I do wanna be with that one guy. Just if only he could ever be single!

OP posts:
SeethroughDress · 12/11/2023 22:18

The body of your post bears very little relation to your title.

Unless you want everyone to cheer you on in leering at Dave from IT Support across the meeting room, and passing him a post it with a lipstick kiss on it, and the message ‘Let me know when you’re single and past the ‘rebound’ stage…’

verdantverdure · 12/11/2023 22:19

I met mine whilst both doing some extremely wholesome volunteering when we were both entirely single.

But it was a while ago.

There maybe no single men left now.

westwoods · 12/11/2023 22:22

Maybe for older women? Are you older? Or maybe if you’re younger, relationships don’t work out for you because you have a warped approach to them? I’ve been in plenty of good relationships and I can’t recognise what you’re saying about plotting, pouncing, etc. Anyway most people meet in mutual social circles or Tinder, I think meeting at work is the minority

UnremarkableBeasts · 12/11/2023 22:23

Maybe look at how you are describing everything - women waiting to pounce and so on…

A much better way would be to foster friendships and relationships through mutual interests and see what develops. No need to be waiting for people to be available or looking to steal men in relationships.

Most relationships don’t start in socially unacceptable ways. They really don’t.

Original poster
Firefly1987 · 12/11/2023 22:23

SeethroughDress · 12/11/2023 22:18

The body of your post bears very little relation to your title.

Unless you want everyone to cheer you on in leering at Dave from IT Support across the meeting room, and passing him a post it with a lipstick kiss on it, and the message ‘Let me know when you’re single and past the ‘rebound’ stage…’

LOL. Okay, tell me the socially acceptable way to do it then since you're such an expert. It's hypothetical btw, I'm not into anyone at work right now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Firefly1987 · 12/11/2023 22:26

theduchessofspork · 12/11/2023 21:45

I don’t think there are bachelors everywhere (hence OLD).

But you can be friendly with a bloke at work so if he happens to come single you can ask him out for a drink if you are interested. I think you are overthinking there.

Yeah I think this is probably the best thing to do. Assuming his gf doesn't mind him having female friends...

OP posts:
westwoods · 12/11/2023 22:28

Hmm looking at your post updates, is fancying taken guys a pattern for you? I definitely don’t mean this in a derogatory way, I think studies also show married men are rated as more attractive but in your case it could apply to taken guys too.

All the talk about plotting and pouncing and whatnot also brings to mind some kind of emotional scarcity which could be why taken guys are seen as more attractive.

QPWO · 12/11/2023 22:28

Not true of the people in relationships I know, no. And if the choices are what you describe or OLD then obviously you should give OLD more of a chance as this approach sounds like you’d end up with few friends, little respect from any men you might be interested in, and likely to end up with a serial cheat/attention seeker.

Discointhekitchen · 12/11/2023 22:28

I get it OP.

I remember sometime around mid-20’s where guys went from mostly single to mostly coupled up.

I remember a phase before I met ex-H where every single guy I met and fancied was in a relationship. I remember pondering this exact problem! (Sadly, now realise why ex H hadn’t been snapped up)

Looking back, I think you’re right. Most relationships only ended after this time if one partner met someone else. A lot of those started as office flirtations. I think that lots of people in stable relationship won’t split up unless they have someone to go to.

I think I was very naive when younger. I never considered hitting on a guy with a gf. But lots of people did, and are still happily together

UnremarkableBeasts · 12/11/2023 22:29

Maybe stop focusing on men with girlfriends then.

It’s really not that hard.

Original poster
Firefly1987 · 12/11/2023 22:30

UnremarkableBeasts · 12/11/2023 22:23

Maybe look at how you are describing everything - women waiting to pounce and so on…

A much better way would be to foster friendships and relationships through mutual interests and see what develops. No need to be waiting for people to be available or looking to steal men in relationships.

Most relationships don’t start in socially unacceptable ways. They really don’t.

It's ok if you find loads of men attractive but I don't (not picky just fall for who I fall for and it's not that often) they're usually taken. I'm not looking to steal men but if I do happen to find one attractive, chances are he'll be single again at some point.

OP posts:
Original poster
Firefly1987 · 12/11/2023 22:31

UnremarkableBeasts · 12/11/2023 22:29

Maybe stop focusing on men with girlfriends then.

It’s really not that hard.

They all have girlfriends that's the point 🙄

OP posts:
UnimaginableWindBird · 12/11/2023 22:32

I can only think of one couple I know who started that way, and even in that case, the man was single and the woman left her partner before getting together with her now husband.

coffeedrinking · 12/11/2023 22:34

It is hard. Really hard! You have to wade through a sea of toads before finding Prince Charming. Ha

Cappuccino17 · 12/11/2023 22:35

I wouldn't really bother with the taken ones. It makes no sense. If someone's single it's a lot more straightforward. If someone breaks up with the gf that's counted as single. No waiting around if you like the guy? Go for it, it could blossom into your future relationship.

Givejamesbluntachance · 12/11/2023 22:35

I don't think there are eligible men everywhere but I also do not think that most relationships start in a socially unacceptable way.

UnremarkableBeasts · 12/11/2023 22:36

I think you’re looking for people to justify you choosing to be an OW. And even ‘plotting’ to have it happen for you.

obje · 12/11/2023 22:37

I think it's coming across slightly strange bad you're "falling" for men because they are attractive and you then find out they're not single.

Yes, we can all look at a man and initially think he is good looking. However, for me to say I've fallen for someone I'd need to spend a significant amount of time with them and get to know them on a deep level before any feelings could develop. Typically in work it would come up within the first few non-work related discussions whether they were married etc.
If I worked with a man I found attractive and also knew he was taken, i wouldn't view him as someone I'd devote time developing enough of a connection to "fall for" him.

If you are regularly falling for non-single men I'm wondering if you have an issue with boundaries?

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