To think nearly all relationships start in a socially unacceptable way?

[Firefly1987]

At least in real life. I'm not interested in OLD, I like being single for the most part but if I happen to like a guy I meet then I'm open to a relationship but of course he's almost always in a relationship already. If I like a guy at work there's no way I can let him know if he is already taken. No flirting, no saying "give me your number if you split up with your gf because I'm interested"-all probably socially unacceptable. All emotional cheating or trying to steal a guy away and frowned upon. So I stay single, then if he does finally split up with his gf I can't pounce the minute that happens I have to wait a certain amount of time, or I look like I've been plotting this (well I probably have LOL) so I have to wait a few weeks, also because he'd be on the rebound. By that time some other woman has probably pounced and I've lost my chance AGAIN.

I just think anyone who found a single decent guy must be very very lucky the timing was right. Or I just think there was some overlap, and emotional cheating. I know there are guys who are long-term single but mumsnet thinks this is a "red flag" in itself most of the time. So how does one find a relationship with someone they might actually find attractive exactly?

YANBU-it's hard to start a relationship
YABU-there are eligible bachelors everywhere

It sounds like you're getting a crush on one guy (single or not) at and time and then placing your hopes in him. I think you'd find a boyfriend you like a lot faster if you go for volume in terms of first dates and then make your mind up about them once you've spent some time with them. As you point out in your OP, most men are in relationships. So you need to pre-filter them by their availability, not by how much you fancy them.

First dates can be fun. Even the bad ones can make a good story. You just can't take it all too seriously else it gets depressing.

I think you need to look outside of the office.

I agree that a lot of people meet at work but that's because where people spend most time. Spend time elsewhere and cast a wider net.

I met my DH in a choir. Hobbies and shared interests can be a good way to meet men.

I have a friend who is always getting crushes on unavailable/unattainable men. Married and/or twenty years younger than her I don’t think she’d ever have a relationship with a married man, but either does she make any effort to meet suitable men.

The key I think is to get to know people rather than meet someone and try and actively pursue a relationship before you even know them. I find it then comes up in conversation before it progresses anywhere as to whether they're single or not- and if it's via work avoids steam rolling in and making things awkward. Online dating has changed this a bit I think but personally for me I find it much better.

But realistically at some point, a guy is probably gonna split up with his gf and then the issue is, when is it acceptable to go for it? Is it acceptable to let him know you think he's attractive whilst still with his gf even? Then if he splits up with her and he's interested when he's ready to date again, and assuming I'm still single, it'd be easy to just get together.

A big assumption being made here - that he fancies you too.

All this talk of pouncing makes you sound like a ravenous tiger. It’s quite the mental image. It also sounds like a lot of effort.

I don’t think there are bachelors everywhere, or that it’s easy to find single men who aren’t just out for a pleasurable night, for sure. I can’t quite follow the leap from there to leaving notes for blokes in case they fancy ditching their current girlfriend for you though!

My sports club over the years has produced dozens of relationships and married couples. While the men and women might train in separate squads there are loads of social events. It's a bit old fashioned in the age of tinder etc but it's nice to see that people still get together by meeting via a shared interest.

I only know one couple who got together in a socially unacceptable way and tbh I lost a lot of respect for them.

I’ve seen it said on here so many times that men don’t usually leave a relationship unless they have someone else waiting in the wings so I guess what you are saying makes sense. Men tend to stay in relationships even if their heart is no longer in it because it’s convenient and then meet someone before leaving. I don’t think that gives a green light to persue someone though.

I would focus on meeting likeminded people through hobbies as well as at work and you never know what might develop from there, even if it’s just friendship,

You could be right about that. I'm not sure why I do that. Perhaps if a guy was single and asked me out, even if I liked him I'd freak out? I've been single for quite a while (by choice) so I'm not sure how I would handle it tbh. Maybe some therapy in order lol.

It sounds like you see work as your dating pool? I'd say it would be much healthier to look outside the workplace. Have hobbies, try internet dating ... I've never thought it a good idea to start relationships in the workplace anyway, it blurs all the professional boundaries

That sounds like a great way to meet people and at least you have something in common as well. Might look into that.

I must be very similar to your friend I think, although more likely to be into someone 20 years older! I definitely wouldn't have a relationship with a married man either, but yeah I don't make the effort which if other women are I can see why it'd annoy them. I'd rather not force something though, if it happens it happens.

I met my partner of 13 years in a bar....very normal,both very single...Still together...I find your original post a little strange tbh...

I think it can largely be about age. My DH and I met in our twenties and there was nothing like you describe (didn’t meet online or at work and both were fully single with no baggage). My siblings also met their spouses when all of them were single. Same with my parents.

However, if I had wanted to meet someone in my thirties, I think it would have been a lot more difficult and only the youngest at my work are ever single. Can’t be 100% sure (I was never looking) but I believe the dating pool shrinks hugely as time goes on, perhaps until you get into divorce/widower territory.

My DP had recently come out of a LT relationship when we met (I think maybe 3 months beforehand), and I reckon he would have been coupled up quickly elsewhere if we hadn’t got together. So can see what you mean – nice, attractive guys who are good at being in relationships might not stay single for long.

OK that's nice. I don't wanna meet guys in bars, I don't drink but thanks for your input.

and we were both mid-late 30s – don’t think this applies in your 20s

Your posts assume you can't just go into with someone, split up, date a while, find someone new, which is what everybody seems to do nowadays. It's not socially unacceptable.

What's this about pouncing? Definitely overthinking.

I don't think any relationships in my immediate circle that started in a "socially unacceptable" way. Most of us coupled up through hobbies, with the odd online dating success here and there, but no cheating involved.

Unless you're in a career and field you're passionate about, work isn't a great dating pool anyway - you're with your co-workers through circumstance rather than actual common ground.

I think that's just overthinking it somewhat.

I met my DH at a party, but that was over 20 years ago and maybe that's old hat now! I had tried OLD, which was in it's early days, but I only ever kind-of clicked with one guy that way.

I get it OP. It's really difficult. I met my DH when we were both volunteering, but the first time we met, I was in a relationship and it was another year (after I'd left that relationship) that we got together. And that was down to a chance email - if it wasn't for that, I think our ship would have sailed.

In my late 20s I got so sick of going to parties, chatting with a bloke and thinking we'd clicked...only for him to reveal that he had a girlfriend about an hour into the conversation. It was shit. I did online dating and met someone that way, but he was a bit of an emotional fuckwit and it was a messy relationship.

It isn't easy, especially the older you get.

Even if you are in a career you are passionate about (or perhaps more so) it's quite baffling to treat work as some kind of speed dating scene. I've seen people lose promotions they were basically guaranteed after they lost their heads and started affairs with each other. It's so unprofessional.

@ItsNotJustaBunFightItsanAIBUBunfight I don't think it's intentional it just happens. I used to work in a supermarket where EVERYONE dated each other. I expect it can get quite messy sometimes though.

I have heard of a phenomena where people start to fancy people if they are in close proximity, you may be susceptible to this.

I did meet DH at work aged 28, he is 2 years younger than me but in all the years leading up to it and I worked in engineering where men made up almost 95% of the workforce I only ever fancied one other bloke.

I think ok women outnumber ok men not sure of ratios but I reckon by 30 it’s getting very tough to find a decent man.

Whether people have tick lists, are hopelessly romantic or are not bothered seems almost irrelevant as to if it works out.

I was a not too bothered and really enjoyed lots of trying hobbies and just being a social butterfly I just lucked out meeting DH at the works Christmas do and he became a mate first.

@PlatinumPantaloons yeah I think that's what happens with me. I don't have a "type" so it catches me off guard when I suddenly develop feelings. That's why I don't wanna meet anyone online because I think it'd take months for me to realise I find someone attractive. I only really wanna get into a relationship with someone I already know I like because otherwise I just prefer to be single. I guess I might get lucky one day and crush on someone also single.