Page 4 | To think nearly all relationships start in a socially unacceptable way?

Firefly1987 · 2023-11-12T21:41:36+00:00

At least in real life. I'm not interested in OLD, I like being single for the most part but if I happen to like a guy I meet then I'm open to a relationship but of course he's almost always in a relationship already. If I like a guy at work there's no way I can let him know if he is already taken. No flirting, no saying "give me your number if you split up with your gf because I'm interested"-all probably socially unacceptable. All emotional cheating or trying to steal a guy away and frowned upon. So I stay single, then if he does finally split up with his gf I can't pounce the minute that happens I have to wait a certain amount of time, or I look like I've been plotting this (well I probably have LOL) so I have to wait a few weeks, also because he'd be on the rebound. By that time some other woman has probably pounced and I've lost my chance AGAIN. I just think anyone who found a single decent guy must be very very lucky the timing was right. Or I just think there was some overlap, and emotional cheating. I know there are guys who are long-term single but mumsnet thinks this is a "red flag" in itself most of the time. So how does one find a relationship with someone they might actually find attractive exactly? YANBU-it's hard to start a relationship YABU-there are eligible bachelors everywhere

Emeraldsanddiamonds · 14/11/2023 02:25

My husband was introduced by a woman who was a university friend. He was her flatmate. She is the godmother of our first child. Over 30 years later and I was having coffee with her this morning.

Aprilx · 14/11/2023 03:21

You have a very strange attitude OP. I don’t understand how you can keep “falling for” people without knowing whether they were single or not. I also don’t know anybody whose relationship started in a socially unacceptable way. I think you are just looking for an excuse.

I have been with DH nearly twenty years now, met him when I was 34 and even then in my early 30s I came across loads of men who were still single. DH was single and we met at a bus stop.

Original poster

Firefly1987 · 14/11/2023 03:48

@Aprilx I know their relationship status-they are almost always taken. I don't know the stats but I'm willing to bet more people are in relationships than not. When I was in my early 20s people advised against rebound relationships, but now no one seems to care about that. So people aren't single for long as a rule.

It's great things worked out for you but I don't want rando's asking me out at the bus stop-you really think that's preferable to getting to know someone for a few months and then realising there is a mutual attraction? Honestly think it's stranger that you were so willing to get with a random guy at the bus stop who you knew absolutely nothing about and you're just lucky he turned out to be a decent guy.

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Original poster

Firefly1987 · 14/11/2023 04:33

Also I never get the bus so that's out anyway 😆Not desperate enough yet just to stand at a bus stop hoping to get asked out. If the rest of mumsnet thinks that's an ideal way to meet someone, well colour me shocked. Can't imagine many mums wanting their daughter to go home with a stranger they met at the bus stop but hey I've been voted unreasonable so who knows!

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Original poster

Firefly1987 · 14/11/2023 04:35

UnremarkableBeasts · 12/11/2023 22:36

I think you’re looking for people to justify you choosing to be an OW. And even ‘plotting’ to have it happen for you.

I missed this earlier. Um what? No I'm not stop psychoanalysing me. Are you the thought police now. I'm not plotting anything, that was just said in jest, have a lie down dear.

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Original poster

Firefly1987 · 14/11/2023 04:38

obje · 12/11/2023 22:37

I think it's coming across slightly strange bad you're "falling" for men because they are attractive and you then find out they're not single.

Yes, we can all look at a man and initially think he is good looking. However, for me to say I've fallen for someone I'd need to spend a significant amount of time with them and get to know them on a deep level before any feelings could develop. Typically in work it would come up within the first few non-work related discussions whether they were married etc.
If I worked with a man I found attractive and also knew he was taken, i wouldn't view him as someone I'd devote time developing enough of a connection to "fall for" him.

If you are regularly falling for non-single men I'm wondering if you have an issue with boundaries?

They're just crushes mostly, I'm not going to do anything. I mean if this is the rule I think no one would be allowed to fancy a married celebrity? Maybe fall for is the wrong word then, it's just a crush but that sounds a bit juvenile at my point in life!

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MayThe4th · 14/11/2023 04:59

Maybe re-write your title to say “I feel that I need/want to be a homewrecker and that’s the only way I’ll find a man.”

Seriously OP you have an unhealthy attitude to relationships. Maybe that’s why you’re single?

Only ever falling for married/attached men and waiting for them to split up with their girlfriends so you can pounce on them does not show you in a good light. At all. How much do you come on to these men so they’ll dump their girlfriends. You talk of overlap so I’m guessing you’ve shagged a married man or ten in your time and now you’re potentially upset because none of them have left their wives for you?

It really is very simple. Once you get to a certain age it does naturally stand to reason that a lot of people are going to be in relationships. So if you want a relationship then you need to go looking, you’re not going to find one by waiting for one to come your way. If you don’t want to put yourself out there, on the dating scene or through hobbies or whatever then you have only yourself to blame if the only men you’re meeting are the married ones at work.

If I split up with my dp then I wouldn’t bother looking for a relationship. Been there, done that, but then I wouldn’t be complaining that I couldn’t find a relationship or that there were no decent available men out there.

If you want a relationship, then you have to go looking for one.

And stay away from people’s husbands.

Bobtheamazinggingerdog · 14/11/2023 05:26

Firefly1987 · 12/11/2023 22:55

I would think most are in long-term relationships over 40 yeah.

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Have you missed the divorce boom??
Lots of men (and women though!) are single in their late 30s/early 40s because their marriage/long term relationship broke down. Half of all marriages end in divorce after all. If you're in your early 30s and into older men you can clean up with the divorce boom but tbf you'd have to be open to OLD to find them.

Bobtheamazinggingerdog · 14/11/2023 05:29

Firefly1987 · 13/11/2023 19:54

OK that's nice. I don't wanna meet guys in bars, I don't drink but thanks for your input.

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So you don't want to meet men OLD, or in bars, or randomly such as at a bus stop. You literally only want to meet a man to date at work. You're going to be single a long time then.

Changeychang · 14/11/2023 05:43

There might be something in it. How many times do we hear that men don't leave relationships until they have someone else lined up? In that case there is no period when they are single for the OP to "go for it". Conversely, women are much more likely to have a single and available period.

Aprilx · 14/11/2023 05:46

Firefly1987 · 14/11/2023 03:48

@Aprilx I know their relationship status-they are almost always taken. I don't know the stats but I'm willing to bet more people are in relationships than not. When I was in my early 20s people advised against rebound relationships, but now no one seems to care about that. So people aren't single for long as a rule.

It's great things worked out for you but I don't want rando's asking me out at the bus stop-you really think that's preferable to getting to know someone for a few months and then realising there is a mutual attraction? Honestly think it's stranger that you were so willing to get with a random guy at the bus stop who you knew absolutely nothing about and you're just lucky he turned out to be a decent guy.

He wasn’t a rando that asked me out at a bus stop, I was on a gap year travelling and met him at a bus stop in SE Asia, you get talking as travellers do. Bumped into him here and there over several months and became friends. I guess you don’t know anything about anyone at first.

Anyway you have quite a nerve suggesting that I am the one doing something wrong. At least I don’t go sniffing after attached men, presumably doing the pick me dance. You sound desperate.

NorthernLights5 · 14/11/2023 07:25

Why are you being so rude to a poster just sharing their experience? They didn't say they "went home with him" just that they met them there. People meet all kinds of places, get to know each other for a while then end up being together. I'd certainly rather meet someone at a bar, hobby, bus stop or whatever rather than waiting for men in relationships to become single and "pouncing" on them.

You also seem to have not taken into consideration whether or not these men are even attracted to you/find you interesting or whatever.

I could sort of understand some things you were saying initially but tbh I pity anyone with your mindset. It's incredibly sad.

Bobtheamazinggingerdog · 14/11/2023 07:34

NorthernLights5 · 14/11/2023 07:25

Why are you being so rude to a poster just sharing their experience? They didn't say they "went home with him" just that they met them there. People meet all kinds of places, get to know each other for a while then end up being together. I'd certainly rather meet someone at a bar, hobby, bus stop or whatever rather than waiting for men in relationships to become single and "pouncing" on them.

You also seem to have not taken into consideration whether or not these men are even attracted to you/find you interesting or whatever.

I could sort of understand some things you were saying initially but tbh I pity anyone with your mindset. It's incredibly sad.

The OP being single might not be just about lack of opportunity...

Original poster

Firefly1987 · 14/11/2023 19:10

MayThe4th · 14/11/2023 04:59

Maybe re-write your title to say “I feel that I need/want to be a homewrecker and that’s the only way I’ll find a man.”

Seriously OP you have an unhealthy attitude to relationships. Maybe that’s why you’re single?

Only ever falling for married/attached men and waiting for them to split up with their girlfriends so you can pounce on them does not show you in a good light. At all. How much do you come on to these men so they’ll dump their girlfriends. You talk of overlap so I’m guessing you’ve shagged a married man or ten in your time and now you’re potentially upset because none of them have left their wives for you?

It really is very simple. Once you get to a certain age it does naturally stand to reason that a lot of people are going to be in relationships. So if you want a relationship then you need to go looking, you’re not going to find one by waiting for one to come your way. If you don’t want to put yourself out there, on the dating scene or through hobbies or whatever then you have only yourself to blame if the only men you’re meeting are the married ones at work.

If I split up with my dp then I wouldn’t bother looking for a relationship. Been there, done that, but then I wouldn’t be complaining that I couldn’t find a relationship or that there were no decent available men out there.

If you want a relationship, then you have to go looking for one.

And stay away from people’s husbands.

I think you are reading my thread wrong. I literally said I can't do all of those things mentioned because they are socially acceptable and I know that, so I don't do them. I've been single for 13 years, probably will be for the rest of my life. I've NEVER cheated, bloody hell I'm still a virgin FFS! Something I wasn't gonna reveal but I'm not about to be painted that I've shagged married men! Jesus.

I already said a million times I'm happy being single for the most part. I've not done ANYTHING with a man EVER.

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Original poster

Firefly1987 · 14/11/2023 19:10

socially un*acceptable

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Original poster

Firefly1987 · 14/11/2023 19:12

Aprilx · 14/11/2023 05:46

He wasn’t a rando that asked me out at a bus stop, I was on a gap year travelling and met him at a bus stop in SE Asia, you get talking as travellers do. Bumped into him here and there over several months and became friends. I guess you don’t know anything about anyone at first.

Anyway you have quite a nerve suggesting that I am the one doing something wrong. At least I don’t go sniffing after attached men, presumably doing the pick me dance. You sound desperate.

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Well that's different than what you originally said then isn't it. You DID get to know him first.

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Original poster

Firefly1987 · 14/11/2023 19:15

NorthernLights5 · 14/11/2023 07:25

Why are you being so rude to a poster just sharing their experience? They didn't say they "went home with him" just that they met them there. People meet all kinds of places, get to know each other for a while then end up being together. I'd certainly rather meet someone at a bar, hobby, bus stop or whatever rather than waiting for men in relationships to become single and "pouncing" on them.

You also seem to have not taken into consideration whether or not these men are even attracted to you/find you interesting or whatever.

I could sort of understand some things you were saying initially but tbh I pity anyone with your mindset. It's incredibly sad.

Yes I did take that into consideration because I said "IF he is interested", if he's not then well it doesn't even need to be said does it? But yeah, I've had zero male interest most of my life so you're probably right, don't worry about it.

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Youremylobster87 · 14/11/2023 19:35

YABU OP. End of.

Original poster

Firefly1987 · 14/11/2023 19:38

NorthernLights5 · 14/11/2023 07:25

Why are you being so rude to a poster just sharing their experience? They didn't say they "went home with him" just that they met them there. People meet all kinds of places, get to know each other for a while then end up being together. I'd certainly rather meet someone at a bar, hobby, bus stop or whatever rather than waiting for men in relationships to become single and "pouncing" on them.

You also seem to have not taken into consideration whether or not these men are even attracted to you/find you interesting or whatever.

I could sort of understand some things you were saying initially but tbh I pity anyone with your mindset. It's incredibly sad.

Because she was rude to be first? Anyway I wasn't rude to her, I thought going home with someone at the bus stop was dangerous-and it turns out that's not even what happened. She got to know him over several months, which is no different than what I want in a relationship, so nothing "strange" about it...

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daliesque · 14/11/2023 19:49

It is incredibly difficult past the age of about 35. Or at least in my experience as that's when I got divorced.
I was single for a few years - tried online dating but it was soul destroying. Had a few flings with colleagues but never anything serious as we were mostly at the same stage in our careers and they had to come first before relationships and, besides, I wasn't that interested.
I met my now partner at a meeting. We got on and worked on a project together. We got closer and became friends, then something happened and we became lovers. It was most unfortunate that he was married, but he left his wife for me and we've been together ever since. So not socially acceptable, but we are both happier with each other than without 🤷‍♀️

Original poster

Firefly1987 · 14/11/2023 21:49

Aprilx · 14/11/2023 05:46

He wasn’t a rando that asked me out at a bus stop, I was on a gap year travelling and met him at a bus stop in SE Asia, you get talking as travellers do. Bumped into him here and there over several months and became friends. I guess you don’t know anything about anyone at first.

Anyway you have quite a nerve suggesting that I am the one doing something wrong. At least I don’t go sniffing after attached men, presumably doing the pick me dance. You sound desperate.

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You didn't even meet in the UK so it's not very helpful to me is it, plus it was 20 years ago! I also don't do what you're suggesting. You said I have a very strange attitude which is a bit offensive. And made out it's SO easy to meet single men, oh only if you happen to be in SE Asia though, which you conveniently left out!

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westwoods · 14/11/2023 22:08

Firefly1987 · 13/11/2023 19:09

You could be right about that. I'm not sure why I do that. Perhaps if a guy was single and asked me out, even if I liked him I'd freak out? I've been single for quite a while (by choice) so I'm not sure how I would handle it tbh. Maybe some therapy in order lol.

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Yeah no shame in that, I suggested it because for most of my earlier life I would get crushes on older men, especially those with some authority (who also happened to be model boyfriends and husbands – thankfully like you I had the sanity/inner security to know never to be the OW, and indeed to never want to be the OW).

I'm not saying it's wrong and it works wonderfully for some couples, but weirdly I don't have that anymore after some things in my life fell into place (got a lot closer to my own family/parents, met DH my own age, etc).

On some level I can still see the universal appeal which is why many women are attracted to silver foxes haha, on another level imagining the real life dynamic is a bit off-putting to me now. But again I'm not trying to be moralistic about it so I hope it doesn't come off that way, just trying to neutrally observe my own preferences.

westwoods · 14/11/2023 22:16

And sorry but I can't stop laughing at the rando at a bus stop in SE Asia back and forth conversation

Ethylred · 14/11/2023 22:24

The replies and my own experience suggest that this depends on age. In their 20s people behave in a socially acceptable way and as they grow older they care less about what other people think.

IBlinkThereforeIAm · 14/11/2023 22:30

How many people stay single for 6 months+ at a time? Not many I'll bet

🤨🤣