Page 2 | To think nearly all relationships start in a socially unacceptable way?

Firefly1987 · 2023-11-12T21:41:36+00:00

At least in real life. I'm not interested in OLD, I like being single for the most part but if I happen to like a guy I meet then I'm open to a relationship but of course he's almost always in a relationship already. If I like a guy at work there's no way I can let him know if he is already taken. No flirting, no saying "give me your number if you split up with your gf because I'm interested"-all probably socially unacceptable. All emotional cheating or trying to steal a guy away and frowned upon. So I stay single, then if he does finally split up with his gf I can't pounce the minute that happens I have to wait a certain amount of time, or I look like I've been plotting this (well I probably have LOL) so I have to wait a few weeks, also because he'd be on the rebound. By that time some other woman has probably pounced and I've lost my chance AGAIN. I just think anyone who found a single decent guy must be very very lucky the timing was right. Or I just think there was some overlap, and emotional cheating. I know there are guys who are long-term single but mumsnet thinks this is a "red flag" in itself most of the time. So how does one find a relationship with someone they might actually find attractive exactly? YANBU-it's hard to start a relationship YABU-there are eligible bachelors everywhere

FloweryName · 12/11/2023 22:37

Your ideas about this do seem a bit crazy to me, I don’t believe that most relationships start in a socially unacceptable way at all.

I think there are phases in life like you said when you’re young, most people seem to be single and then all of a sudden everyone coupled up. There will come a time when some of the people will become single again but that doesn’t mean you have to be eyeing up of their people’s partners in the meantime.

SgtJuneAckland · 12/11/2023 22:38

DH and I both became single around the same time from fairly serious relationships (2-3 years) in our mid twenties. Nothing happened for at least six months, we were already friends and had been for about 15 years at that point and that summer spent more time with each other than we had when in relationships but not an inkling of any impropriety. We went to a gig one night and I got chatting to a guy at the bar, who having clarified I wasn't with DH gave me his number and asked if I'd like to go for a drink the following weekend. I said yes. DH kissed me on the way home. He says now that he didn't like seeing the other guy chat me up and realised if he didn't do something, before he knew it I could be dating someone else again. I never did go for that drink with the other guy.
I don't think there's anything socially unacceptable about that situation.

Ihatethenewlook · 12/11/2023 22:38

I get what you’re saying. I’ve been with oh for 20 years now so out of practise, but I’m baffled by what people find offensive nowadays when it comes to asking someone out on a date. In the last week or so I’ve seen a man being implied he’s a sex pest because he left a note on the op’s work desk with his number on. And another op being told that she needs to change her locks incase her tradesman comes in and rapes her, because he sent her a text saying I think you’re very nice, do you fancy a coffee 🙄

Original poster

Firefly1987 · 12/11/2023 22:39

Discointhekitchen · 12/11/2023 22:28

I get it OP.

I remember sometime around mid-20’s where guys went from mostly single to mostly coupled up.

I remember a phase before I met ex-H where every single guy I met and fancied was in a relationship. I remember pondering this exact problem! (Sadly, now realise why ex H hadn’t been snapped up)

Looking back, I think you’re right. Most relationships only ended after this time if one partner met someone else. A lot of those started as office flirtations. I think that lots of people in stable relationship won’t split up unless they have someone to go to.

I think I was very naive when younger. I never considered hitting on a guy with a gf. But lots of people did, and are still happily together

Thank you, I'm glad you can at least understand where I'm coming from. It's basically just pure luck the coupled up people got together in the very small window both were single. I have NEVER hit on a guy in a relationship either, and I think hitting on a newly single guy is probably socially unacceptable as well. It'll look like I have been waiting for him to be single and I don't want it to come across like that.

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gotomomo · 12/11/2023 22:39

If they have girlfriends back away and look for men without girlfriends, at work or elsewhere. I met dp online

GirlOfTudor · 12/11/2023 22:40

I don't know of any relationship that started in a 'socially unacceptable' way. Most of my friends and family met their partners when they were both young. There's just less people to choose from as you get older as people are either in long term relationships, contentedly single, or come with a load of baggage after a long term relationship breakdown/divorce and are seem less appealing.
I think you just have to accept that and stop quietly crushing on people in relationships.

Original poster

Firefly1987 · 12/11/2023 22:41

westwoods · 12/11/2023 22:28

Hmm looking at your post updates, is fancying taken guys a pattern for you? I definitely don’t mean this in a derogatory way, I think studies also show married men are rated as more attractive but in your case it could apply to taken guys too.

All the talk about plotting and pouncing and whatnot also brings to mind some kind of emotional scarcity which could be why taken guys are seen as more attractive.

No I just tend to go for older so they do tend to be in long-term relationships. I was exaggerating with the plotting and pouncing LOL, but I can imagine it'd look like that to the ex and people would gossip about it if I let a newly single guy know I like him. But wait too long and I lose my chance so...

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WhamBamThankU · 12/11/2023 22:44

The only person I've known in my entire adult life to start a relationship in a socially unacceptable way is my ex cheating with the OW with whom he is now married. She was also engaged at the time so I think she's relationships attract a certain sort

verdantverdure · 12/11/2023 22:45

Is there a man shortage then?

I assumed that if there are single women, there are single men.

Original poster

Firefly1987 · 12/11/2023 22:51

Ihatethenewlook · 12/11/2023 22:38

I get what you’re saying. I’ve been with oh for 20 years now so out of practise, but I’m baffled by what people find offensive nowadays when it comes to asking someone out on a date. In the last week or so I’ve seen a man being implied he’s a sex pest because he left a note on the op’s work desk with his number on. And another op being told that she needs to change her locks incase her tradesman comes in and rapes her, because he sent her a text saying I think you’re very nice, do you fancy a coffee 🙄

I saw the tradesman one! It's definitely getting more socially unacceptable for men anyway. I wish we could go back to the old days, my parents and grandparents met at dances.

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Original poster

Firefly1987 · 12/11/2023 22:55

verdantverdure · 12/11/2023 22:45

Is there a man shortage then?

I assumed that if there are single women, there are single men.

I would think most are in long-term relationships over 40 yeah.

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FilthyforFirth · 12/11/2023 23:07

I dont know anyone whose relationship started in a 'socially unacceptable' way apart from my father and step mum.

I met DH at college, we were both students and single. Not uncommon amongst my circle.

Original poster

Firefly1987 · 12/11/2023 23:17

westwoods · 12/11/2023 22:22

Maybe for older women? Are you older? Or maybe if you’re younger, relationships don’t work out for you because you have a warped approach to them? I’ve been in plenty of good relationships and I can’t recognise what you’re saying about plotting, pouncing, etc. Anyway most people meet in mutual social circles or Tinder, I think meeting at work is the minority

Edited

I'm in my 30s. I don't have a warped approach lol, most guys I've liked recently have been taken is all. It's a pretty light-hearted thread made mostly in jest but worthy of discussion. How many people stay single for 6 months+ at a time? Not many I'll bet, and those that do mumsnet would be asking "why have they been single so long? Red flags"! Hence the whole "omg he's been single for five minutes I must pounce before someone else does"-I'm exaggerating but it's not that far from reality imo.

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Boymum2104 · 12/11/2023 23:20

I worked with my DH. He split with his ex & we went out for drinks the same night to drown sorrows basically. The rest is history we are married, have our first house & baby. Everyone assumed there was 'overlap' but who cares we know the truth.

WandaWonder · 12/11/2023 23:20

So it's only the men who are bad the women are perfectly normal?

babyproblems · 12/11/2023 23:27

I think it does get harder to meet someone single between late twenties and say mid 40s because many people couple up in their twenties. I think honestly if you are single beyond 30 the easiest way to ensure you get a) only single people and b) choice of lots of them is probably online dating or at clubs etc. If you are hitting on a colleague for example yes it’s a minefield as to whether they’re single or not! X

SheerLucks · 12/11/2023 23:27

Well maybe OP!

I was in a two year relationship with a guy I was telling everyone I was going to marry.

Then I started a new job and a male colleague became very interested. I was completely dismissive for the first few weeks and then something happened.

His sheer determination and conviction that we should be together just, well, won me over in the end.

We've now been together 28 years and married for 21 years and have two late teens. I don't regret anything.

Original poster

Firefly1987 · 13/11/2023 00:05

babyproblems · 12/11/2023 23:27

I think it does get harder to meet someone single between late twenties and say mid 40s because many people couple up in their twenties. I think honestly if you are single beyond 30 the easiest way to ensure you get a) only single people and b) choice of lots of them is probably online dating or at clubs etc. If you are hitting on a colleague for example yes it’s a minefield as to whether they’re single or not! X

Yeah I tried OLD briefly in my 20s but I'm just not interested in going on loads of dates until I find one I actually like. I'd rather get with someone IRL who I'm already attracted to, but as you say it's harder to find the single ones the older you get. I suppose people see that as me being on the lookout ready to take someone else's partner which I have no intention of doing.

I do just like being single for the most part, and pretty relieved there isn't anyone at work currently that I'm into. Last boss I had I ended up crushing on at one point and he wasn't even my type at all, so maybe I'm not that picky it's more to do with spending that much time with someone. I believe most men and women would get together at some point if they worked closely enough and were single (as long as neither were hideous!) unfortunately ofc my boss was married.

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westwoods · 13/11/2023 02:20

Firefly1987 · 12/11/2023 22:41

No I just tend to go for older so they do tend to be in long-term relationships. I was exaggerating with the plotting and pouncing LOL, but I can imagine it'd look like that to the ex and people would gossip about it if I let a newly single guy know I like him. But wait too long and I lose my chance so...

Show quote history

Hmm older, it sounds like maybe you have a thing for authority figures (bosses, older colleagues) which also usually ties in to being attracted to unattainable and unavailable (is taken in relationships) men…

Onethingatatime23 · 13/11/2023 02:23

I met DH at work when we were in our 20s, both single and nothing socially unacceptable involved.

RantyAnty · 13/11/2023 02:27

No, it was very very easy to find single men to date.

Still is, but I don't like them anymore.

CherryMyBrandy · 13/11/2023 03:43

I would spend less time worrying about what others think. Just be friendly with men who are taken like you would with women. If they are unhappy in their relationship and like you, the friendship might develop in the future but you'll have done some groundwork (ie got to know them a bit). Or it might just stay a friendship. I don't fancy people unless I know them as people so all my relationships have started as friendships first. I was friends with my DH when he was in a relationship with someone else. Their relationship was not in a good way (I didn't know that at the time) and they split a short while afterwards, and we subsequently got together. If they aren't coupled then you can be flirtatious, ask them out whatever. You are overthinking it. You don't have to wait for a period, if they are single. Just go for it!

daisychain01 · 13/11/2023 03:56

One things for sure, OP, meeting the right person is about 99% down to luck

both of you being available at the same time
both of you being attracted to each other at the same time
one or other of you having the guts to say something and not worrying about being rejected
both of you being the right match for each other

I'd look further afield than work. Yes it's the case that many relationships flourish as a consequence of meeting each other at work, but if things go wrong it's all the more uncomfortable and complicated having to be around the person after it goes wrong and one or other of you either has to move or leave.

Oblomov23 · 13/11/2023 04:01

Surely work is the worst place to meet someone?

IAmAnIdiot123 · 13/11/2023 05:43

When I met dp we were both in relationships but I don't think that counts as we knew each other for 4 years before we got together. Didn't even fancy each other for most of that time and certainly didn't leave our 'partners' for each other.