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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Not invited :(

451 replies

BlueNavy · 11/11/2023 23:28

Mum friends just posted on FB them all out drinking and having fun tonight. I'm on the sofa watching telly, wasn't invited and really upset about it. All people I'm friends with and I would have loved to have gone. No falling out, get on with everyone, I hate that things like this happen. Feeling shit now and wondering what else I've missed. Only know cause of stupid social media.😔

OP posts:
Mouse82 · 12/11/2023 10:17

ErniesGhostlyGoldTops · 12/11/2023 09:40

I would send.....'I realise all of you chose to exclude me from the party and I understand you no longer want my friendship but it would help my personal growth if you were all to tell me exactly why'.

This would be on a background of my already having taken the decision to no longer be friends with them but it might shame them into realising what a bunch of bitches they have spiralled into being. If they don't respond, it would be an even further and larger act of nastiness and therefore more for them to face up to.

Nothing screams more desperate and needy then this.

PabloandGustheGreySquirrels · 12/11/2023 10:19

@VeronicasCloset

How was it childish?! Saying that to OP was mean, she said nothing wrong. All she said was “Looks a fun night” ffs! They’ve excluded her! She could’ve confronted them but didn’t. I’m really sick of this trend of finding a way to criticise the OP no matter what.

paddyclampofthethirdkind · 12/11/2023 10:20

I would ask the one I was closest to what was going on. This is horrible, OP

SweetBirdsong · 12/11/2023 10:22

RosiePeel · 12/11/2023 04:13

There has to be more of a story to this. Nobody is that dense that they’d sneak off but then post on social media about it.

These women are not 'dense.' They knew exactly what they were doing. Going out, keeping it a secret, and deliberately excluding the OP. And then parading the night-out photos all over social media. I have seen it done before - to someone I know. My cousin. She was in a friend group with 2 women at work, 2 ex employees (who left late 2022/early 2023,) and a couple of the ex employees friends. 7 altogether.

All was OK for about a year, and they shared a whatsapp group, and they had nights out every month. Then the 2 women at work were under investigation at work for something, (around June this year,) and were suspended. They both asked my cousin to speak up for them, give them character references, and go to their disciplinaries and defend them. She said as she still works for them she would rather not, as it may compromise her position there.

Then she found herself frozen out of the whatsapp group. The group went silent, even though it was still active. They had made a new one, and no-one was chatting on the old one. They went out without her - and put pics all over facebook. Because she hadn't done what they want, they froze her out. So she unfriended them all and blocked them all on facebook, instagram and twitter. And she blocked them on her phone. (All within an hour of seeing the photos of their night out.)

The two women were sacked some weeks later, and she heard nothing from them again. ANY of the 6 women. She said she would rather die than say 'hello are you still my fwends?' They are absolute mean girls. She was well rid.

@BlueNavy As has been said, just unfriend and block and find new friends. There HAS to be a reason why they have done this, but I doubt you have done anything 'wrong.' The Queen Bee in the group has probably discovered her husband fancies you or something. Or, as a pp suggested, it's something to do with your kids falling out. It will be something like that.

threecupsofteaminimum · 12/11/2023 10:23

That's awful I'm so sorry op.

It happened to me a while back, they then gaslit me that I had been invited.

I'm not friends with them anymore.

Mariposista · 12/11/2023 10:23

BitofaStramash · 12/11/2023 08:33

Do you have anything in common apart from being mums?

Might be time to start building new relationships through work, volunteering, hobbies were you have more things in common?

I agree with this

Cherrysoup · 12/11/2023 10:23

I’d have to ask. I saw similar of my hobby ‘friends’ all out. They clearly didn’t care, tagging each other on social media, knowing I’d see it. I’ve been very cool since, they are only friends due to sharing the hobby, we otherwise wouldn’t have met and now I no longer participate.

SeethroughDress · 12/11/2023 10:23

YellowDots · 12/11/2023 08:02

It acknowledges her hurt openly, and is pro-active about her desire to have a social life with this group. Obviously if it’s met with a deafening silence or eight excuses, the OP will need to rethink. But it’s certainly worth a go.

Any one of them could have told her about the night out before she asked about weekend plans and they certainly could have done so after she asked.

Worth a go at what?

For heaven’s sake, it’s hardly likely to be some diabolical scheme to exclude the OP. Half of the things Mners view as ‘snubs’ and ‘exclusions’ are disorganisation or failure to respond to text messages within whatever timeframe an OP considers normal.

If the OP, who seems to have a pattern of people-pleasing and one-sided friendships, would like to see where she stands with this group, I think she could do worse than say opening ly that’s she’d like to have been invited and suggest another get together. If a similar silence greets that, then sure, she needs to rethink. But it’s ‘worth a go’ in the sense that it’s better than either suffering in silence or deciding they’re evil Machiavellian excluders.

Mirabai · 12/11/2023 10:24

There has to be a reason. Are you a bit moany, drink too much, drama queen etc?

Minniliscious · 12/11/2023 10:24

That’s awful, I do feel for you. Years ago, I was really close friends with 5 other girls, we were such a tight group and had grown up together.

Imagine the pain I felt when I found out they had all gone on a weeks holiday to Majorca together! Social media wasn’t such a big thing then but I wondered why I couldn’t get hold of anyone. Then I found out from a mutual friend where they all were when I was in town one day. I felt like I had been stabbed!

I confronted them via text but was told “oh we did tell you about it but you said you didn’t want to come” eh?? So not true. Never spoke to them again and still don’t know what I did wrong to this day.

Still kind of hurts.

Goatymum · 12/11/2023 10:27

ErniesGhostlyGoldTops · 12/11/2023 09:40

I would send.....'I realise all of you chose to exclude me from the party and I understand you no longer want my friendship but it would help my personal growth if you were all to tell me exactly why'.

This would be on a background of my already having taken the decision to no longer be friends with them but it might shame them into realising what a bunch of bitches they have spiralled into being. If they don't respond, it would be an even further and larger act of nastiness and therefore more for them to face up to.

Please don’t!! ‘Help my personal growth’ - just no!
just fuck then off, or ask one of them privately (not on WhatsApp so it can’t be screenshotted and shared).

KimberleyClark · 12/11/2023 10:27

For heaven’s sake, it’s hardly likely to be some diabolical scheme to exclude the OP.

So why the silence when she asked if anyone had weekend plans?

PabloandGustheGreySquirrels · 12/11/2023 10:28

@Sausage1989 How she's acting i wouldn't want her in my life either.

I beg your pardon?!?! What on earth has the OP done wrong?!?!?!
You wouldn't want someone in your life because they commented on photos (from a night out you purposely excluded her from) saying "Looks a fun night" You "wouldn't want her in your life" for that?! Are you quite well?!

Twosquirrelsdigging · 12/11/2023 10:29

OP - how do you know this group ? Is it a group of work friends / school mums / forever childhood friends ?

I hope you can see from the many of posts here that it happens to lots of people and that it probably isn’t anything you have done .

It’s a cliche but it says more about them than it does about you !

Head up and carry on . Speak to more people and make new friends .

Sloth66 · 12/11/2023 10:29

SeethroughDress · 12/11/2023 10:23

For heaven’s sake, it’s hardly likely to be some diabolical scheme to exclude the OP. Half of the things Mners view as ‘snubs’ and ‘exclusions’ are disorganisation or failure to respond to text messages within whatever timeframe an OP considers normal.

If the OP, who seems to have a pattern of people-pleasing and one-sided friendships, would like to see where she stands with this group, I think she could do worse than say opening ly that’s she’d like to have been invited and suggest another get together. If a similar silence greets that, then sure, she needs to rethink. But it’s ‘worth a go’ in the sense that it’s better than either suffering in silence or deciding they’re evil Machiavellian excluders.

Unfair on the Op and naive too.
I wouldn’t dignify this with the label of a diabolical scheme, but given she asked a group of 7 what they were doing at the weekend, had no replies from any of them, and then saw a photo of them all out together- well I’d call that intentional.

HamsterBanana · 12/11/2023 10:31

There must be a reason did you get a bit to drunk last time out? A bit moany?

If not fuck them off, nobody has time for that crap.

mikado1 · 12/11/2023 10:32

It happened me, in a less close group, but a friend cancelled plans with me without explanation, only for me to see on SM that she was out with others, who I also knew. I messaged her directly and said it was very poor form. She attempted to explain/excuse what she'd done --she saw a group meet up as a better offer- but I've always thought differently of her since. It sucks, that horrible stomach lurching feeling.

DarkDarkNight · 12/11/2023 10:33

It’s the keeping silent on the group chat that seals it for me. It was deliberate. Otherwise when you asked if anyone had plans someone would have replied saying they were going out, or asked were you not coming along if it was genuinely an oversight.

I would ask on the group how the night out was arranged if not through the group chat as you would love to have gone along. Is there another chat? Make them squirm, they don’t seem to care about your feelings. I was the one at school who was always left out and it hurt. It took me years to figure out they weren’t friends. I wish I’d moved on sooner.

KimberleyClark · 12/11/2023 10:33

OP it is possible you are too nice. Some groups of women friends bond through bitching. If it doesn’t come naturally to you to be two faced ( it doesn’t to me either) they’ll think you are boring. You are much better off without these people.

newhaircut · 12/11/2023 10:35

For heaven’s sake, it’s hardly likely to be some diabolical scheme to exclude the OP. Half of the things Mners view as ‘snubs’ and ‘exclusions’ are disorganisation or failure to respond to text messages within whatever timeframe an OP considers normal

Noone is suggesting they are Dr Evil, just that they arent very nice people. There are plenty of people like that in the world- have you never come across this before? someone behaving in an unkind manner doesnt = machiavellian mastermind FGS. There is a huge middle ground. Besides, if it was just a misunderstanding then why the silence when asked about plans? If its so innocent why not answer the OP? and why did noone respond to her FB message?

PabloandGustheGreySquirrels · 12/11/2023 10:41

This reply has been deleted

This reply has been deleted.

PabloandGustheGreySquirrels · 12/11/2023 10:41

Bobtheamazinggingerdog · 12/11/2023 05:16

Oh gawd please delete that Facebook comment.
this happened to me once on NYE. I was upset and reached out to one friend by text. She phoned me immediately and we talked it through and she explained why they didn't think to invite me. I was still a bit hurt but I wasn't publicly embarrassed which is what you will be if many people see that comment. Call or text the one you're closest to and talk about it.

Why would OP be embarrassed by saying "Looks a good night?"

Chlorinara · 12/11/2023 10:42

Maybe ask your closest friend from the group in person.

ElleCapitaine · 12/11/2023 10:44

It wasn’t an event hosted by someone else, was it? For example, all their kids are members a club and it was a club parents fundraising night, or an event for someone you don’t know?

TidyDancer · 12/11/2023 10:47

ElleCapitaine · 12/11/2023 10:44

It wasn’t an event hosted by someone else, was it? For example, all their kids are members a club and it was a club parents fundraising night, or an event for someone you don’t know?

I wondered this, but with OP asking if anyone had plans (before she knew about this obviously) and no one saying a word, there's no reason one of them wouldn't have spoken up and said about it.

It all sounds so deliberate and nasty. Some people remain bullies for life don't they? ☹️

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