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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not invited :(

451 replies

BlueNavy · 11/11/2023 23:28

Mum friends just posted on FB them all out drinking and having fun tonight. I'm on the sofa watching telly, wasn't invited and really upset about it. All people I'm friends with and I would have loved to have gone. No falling out, get on with everyone, I hate that things like this happen. Feeling shit now and wondering what else I've missed. Only know cause of stupid social media.😔

OP posts:
Whalewatchers · 12/11/2023 09:39

The fact they kept schtum about weekend plans speaks volume. I feel bad for you OP, you must want the ground to swallow you up. You'd hope there was an honest explanation, but I'm struggling to think what it could be.

Hotchocolatemousse · 12/11/2023 09:39

Block them all and leave the group. Start building a wider friendship group from different groups. Consider joining hobby groups through meet up, local library, Foodbank volunteers, work mates etc.

I've done this and have six very different friendship groups that I enjoy. I don't depend on any one of them to provide me with social connections. If someone or something goes wrong with one group, I've got my other groups.

Pipsquiggle · 12/11/2023 09:40

That's really shit.

I would want to know why.

I would either approach the woman I was most friendly with and ask and tell her how upset I was or ask the group on WhatsApp - ask them why I wasn't invited and how it made you feel.

ErniesGhostlyGoldTops · 12/11/2023 09:40

I would send.....'I realise all of you chose to exclude me from the party and I understand you no longer want my friendship but it would help my personal growth if you were all to tell me exactly why'.

This would be on a background of my already having taken the decision to no longer be friends with them but it might shame them into realising what a bunch of bitches they have spiralled into being. If they don't respond, it would be an even further and larger act of nastiness and therefore more for them to face up to.

realitytransurfing · 12/11/2023 09:41

In my experience, mean girl behaviours like this always end up in the group disbanding over time. You cant behave nastily towards one person and not have it affect the group as a whole. People will see said behaviour and then think- if they can do it to her, they can do it to me- what are they saying about me behind my back, do they have separate chats without me too?. Sure, for a while the people its not directed towards may feel special that they are part of the in-group but mistrust/suspicion will fester and it will eventually poison the group dynamics. If this was done out of spite and wasnt just a misunderstanding, I guarantee you that group wont still be friends in a couple of years time. You cant act like that and not have it affect everyone eventually.

GladWhere · 12/11/2023 09:41

I think I wouldn't say anything and I would remove the FB message.

Maybe I'd say something when I next ran into one of them.

KimberleyClark · 12/11/2023 09:44

Shitty thing to do. Even shittier to post a photo on FB knowing you would see it.

itsalongwaybackfromsorry · 12/11/2023 09:44

Been there. It's an awful feeling, especially when you know you've done absolutely nothing 'wrong' per se.

I'm sorry, OP. I hope it was just a missed message somewhere.

Mnetcurious · 12/11/2023 09:46

That’s really upsetting. Is there someone in the group you’re closer to than the others? Maybe you could say (either in person or text) “I felt a bit left out seeing pictures of your night out, do you know why I wasn’t invited? If I’ve done something to offend someone I’d like to put it right” and see what she says.

ThreeRingCircus · 12/11/2023 09:47

This is definitely deliberate.

There's no way they have arranged a night out for seven people without communicating as a group so they clearly have another chat without you in it.

They didn't say anything when you asked about weekend plans and then they posted on social media knowing you would see that photo. That is utterly shit and really, really mean.

I would approach the nicest one/person you're closest to in the group directly and ask why you were left out and that you were hurt due to the above. I wouldn't expect an honest answer necessarily and would already choose to move on from them..... staying in by yourself is infinitely better than having fake friends like this.

I would also leave the group chat. It's just not worth it. I wouldn't cause drama or say anything, I'd just quietly move on and focus on making other, better friends.

KimberleyClark · 12/11/2023 09:47

Sausage1989 · 12/11/2023 02:47

Why is it nasty? Maybe they just don't like her? You can't force people to like someone? I actually think it's massive red flags how this woman is obsessed with going out with a group of women. I don't get it.

Show quote history

You don’t understand why some women like going out with groups of women friends?

DoubleTime · 12/11/2023 09:47

Agree with @Mnetcurious above. If its upset you, then you should try to find out what happened.

DaftyInTheMiddle · 12/11/2023 09:49

I thought we knew leaving one person out wasn’t the done thing since primary school parties?!

It’s really not nice to be treated this way OP, grown women are completely able to articulate if they don’t wish to continue a friendship with you. I’m willing to bet the post on Facebook was intentional and pointed, these type of women all have the same MO.

On one hand, I don’t think it’s cringe or needed to calmly and rationally explain how their actions have upset you while maintaining dignity. But on the other hand, they sound emotionally shallow and it would likely fall on deaf ears, and the easiest thing to do sometimes is to walk away from them.

Ultimately they aren’t your friends, it’s so incredibly hard to walk away from your entire friendship group, but could you rely on them on future? Trust them? I wouldn’t and that’s not the foundation of a good friendship.

ToddlerMumma · 12/11/2023 09:49

I'm so sorry, I can totally imagine how you feel. It's probably not a group thing. Perhaps one of them has an issue with you and told the others you were invited but couldn't make it or something. It's unlikely they all suddenly had an issue with you at the same time. Unless, as previous posters have suggested, you need to look at yourself? How were you at the last night out? Were you too drunk, complaining, loud? Or could they be protecting you such as you have fertility issues and one of them is pregnant? It could be anything. I really hope you find out (and find some new friends too) x

fairydust11 · 12/11/2023 09:52

Sorry op, but you directly asked them last week if they had any weekend plans and no one responded, then they go out & put the pictures (knowing you’ll see them) all over FB.

You need to step back from them. They have shown you they are not your friends.

dancingsands · 12/11/2023 09:55

I would said a message on the group chat saying "where was my invite?"

GetBackIntoBed · 12/11/2023 09:56

MariaLuna · 12/11/2023 00:54

Leave the group chat

Yea, good idea. And isolate yourself even more.... FFS.

OP, I know it hurts. But don't take it personally. I have friends who we meet up with in groups and sometimes they organise stuff together between themselves.
One on one, or whatever.

Doesn't bother me at all.

So it wouldn't bother you if you asked them ALL in a group chat about plans, no one replied to you, then you found out they were all out together that weekend, excluding you?

Wouldn't it, aye 🙄

NearlyMonday · 12/11/2023 09:59

dancingsands · 12/11/2023 09:55

I would said a message on the group chat saying "where was my invite?"

This!!!!!

Doteycat · 12/11/2023 10:00

This happened to me.
And here's what you do now.
Ignore them. Ignore their night out. Ignore the group chat. Listen to what they have sent out loud and clear.
They arranged a night out without you. And posted it on Fb. They didnt even do it deliberately, In fact they didn't think of you at all. They posted it without u in mind. Because they DO NOT GIVE A SHIT.
So, these women are not your friends and nor do u want them to be.
See them for what they are. Do u really want to try to be friends with people who will not reciprocate? You deserve better.
Know yourself that you deserve better. The friendship was never true and what ever it was is over.
Go find new friends and in the meantime make peace with the fact that u actually don't have to tolerate this bs in your life and just walk away.
If u see them a the school gate, its hi how are ya and keep fucking walking. Head held high.
I don't give a fuck why they did it. Their reasons and opinions are irrelevant to you.
Awful women.

mummylove24 · 12/11/2023 10:03

BlueNavy · 11/11/2023 23:43

Not much on the group chat this week, just child stuff. I asked on Thurs if anyone had wknd plans and nobody replied. We were all out last month together, and a couple months before that

Sorry, this isn’t a nice feeling, (been here before). But reply on your original message in the group chat, and outright ask why you weren’t invited.
I know you say these are your only friends where you live but sorry these are not your “friends” you were deliberately left out. If no one can be honest, you need to step away from that group.

newhaircut · 12/11/2023 10:04

OP, I know it hurts. But don't take it personally. I have friends who we meet up with in groups and sometimes they organise stuff together between themselves.
One on one, or whatever.

Rubbish. This wasnt people meeting up one on one, or two or three (which is absolutely fine and usual), it was the entire group excluding ONE person only and then utter silence when she specifically asked what people's plans were. This was absolutely deliberate and any normal person would take that personally because it IS personal. If it was completely innocent and non personal they'd have said- "we're planning to meet up at X for X reason". You only keep quiet about stuff when there is a reason behind it.

Slothmomma · 12/11/2023 10:06

I had similar happen - it was beginning of end. One night out turned into not being invited out to birthday celebrations and so on. Absolutely nothing had happened or changed save that I was no longer useful to the ring leader as our circumstances changed so I'd been effectively used for years it seems. I cut all contact as won't fight to be in someone's life that doesn't want me.

getinthedust · 12/11/2023 10:06

BlueNavy · 11/11/2023 23:47

I can't step away from them all. That's my whole friendship group where i live, or so I thought. Have commented on the FB pic saying "looks a fun night". Will wait and see if anyone replies

Absolute worst thing you could have done.

You should have just picked the person you’re closest to and spoke to them after the weekend.

Luddite26 · 12/11/2023 10:08

Sometimes it's not up to you to step away from them you are kicked out best to keep your dignity and move on

ScremeEggs · 12/11/2023 10:15

@ErniesGhostlyGoldTops I would send.....'I realise all of you chose to exclude me from the party and I understand you no longer want my friendship but it would help my personal growth if you were all to tell me exactly why'

Urgh no, don't send that! Terrible advice.
Don't go simping to them.
If OP asked about wknd plans and got silence, seems deliberate to me.
"Personal growth" - that makes it sound like OP has done something wrong and needs to be aware!
When all she's done is try to make friends with a group that sounds like they never left the school playground themselves.
Their problem, not hers, better off out of it.
When my eldest was at primary I had similar, with Queen Bee and regular falling outs with someone different in the group every week and dramas.
Couldn't be arsed with it all in the end and just walked away.
Mean Girls Plastic behaviour, pretty pathetic as a grown up.
You'll find nicer people, they're out there, honest.
Try the ones outside the cliques standing minding their own, much nicer and normal in my experience!