Not invited :(

[BlueNavy]

Mum friends just posted on FB them all out drinking and having fun tonight. I'm on the sofa watching telly, wasn't invited and really upset about it. All people I'm friends with and I would have loved to have gone. No falling out, get on with everyone, I hate that things like this happen. Feeling shit now and wondering what else I've missed. Only know cause of stupid social media.😔

I would send.....'I realise all of you chose to exclude me from the party and I understand you no longer want my friendship but it would help my personal growth if you were all to tell me exactly why'.

God, please don't do this. That's not going to help at all. They'd probably just roll their eyes.

If it's still playing on your mind you could ask one of the group. I'd pull back a bit and try to do some bits separate from the group- join a club or a meet up group try to expand your social circle

Because it won’t have the desired effect and they will roll their eyes.

I speak from experience here, sadly. Listen to what this situation is telling you - they don’t consider you in the core group for some reason and there’s no way back now.

You’ll naturally ponder on what isn’t good enough for them for a while but please don’t wallow in it. Some women just want to be around others that mirror themselves or elevate them in looks/life/insecurities and anyone that might be slightly different or not confirm that for them naturally gets pushed out. Anyone who kills their buzz by having babysitter issues, marital issues they go on about, who doesn’t drink as much or drinks too much and gets rowdy, who is not as glammed up as they like to be etc etc. will be invited out less.

You have your own worth and need to find your true tribe. Don’t forget that mum friend groups usually only have the kids in common and they naturally change over time.

I’d say these meet ups without you have happened for a while and the photo got posted because they got a bit lax about hiding it.

As others have advised. Don’t post. Don’t bring it up. Stay bright and breezy but don’t hang about expecting to chat like old times. Be busy with your own life. See how each person reacts to you in person now that they know you know. You’ve got to hold your head high and start making an effort to get to know some different people.

Don’t burn bridges with confronting comments for your kid’s sake as it’ll be awkward if they want a play date. Acceptance of the true nature of the situation is key.

My children left primary school about 12years ago. And yes the majority of friendships fizzle once the kids go to secondary.
I still see 3-4 friends that I made,who I love to bits spread between my children years.The cliques all dispersed quite quickly !

This potentially isn’t black and white though.

While it’s clear this group have deliberately excluded the OP, it’s possible there may be a valid reason for them having done so.

When my DS was at primary there was a group of mums who did sometimes get together, generally at one of their houses, and there was one of the mums who used to go and people used to invite her because she was lonely and didn’t really have friends in the area.

Thing is, whenever she came she would get blind drunk and spend half the night crying on someone, ending up with someone having to drive her home and take another half hour before she composed herself enough to actually go into the house. it always brought the evening down completely, and while people did still talk to her at the school gates etc and I often brought her dc home from school events and for playdates to my house etc, people stopped inviting her on the nights out.

This was before the days of whatsapp groups, but tbh I don’t think that anyone would have felt able to say to her why she wasn’t being invited any more.

So while we know that this group have intentionally excluded the OP, we don’t actually know why. And while it’s easy to say that they’re in the wrong, they equally may not be.

Hmm it is but I've been on the other side of the fence before seen people excluded who:

Got ridiculously drunk and expected the group to rally round, look after her and make sure she got home safely.

Made the night difficult and stressful EG extremely picky and refusing to compromise on where we should eat.

Constantly ordered expensive drinks on other people's rounds and ducking out of getting their own.

Talked at people all evening rather than having two way conversations.

Treated the night out like a photoshoot making everybody stop what they were doing every 30 seconds for a carefully posed social media photo.

So whilst the women involved may well be a bunch of cows who are shouldering OP out for no reason, it's also a good idea to reflect and try to get an honest answer to see if she is making some sort of faux pas that she is unaware of.

Because it's passive aggressive, pointed and cringey. It obviously means 'why didn't you include me' whilst avoiding saying it.

I'm so sorry OP, what a horrible situation.

At my DC's junior school there was a group of very cliquey middle-class mums with a very mean queen bee.

I was friends with one of the group but not in it, and the things I heard about that went on were shocking. It was quite depressing that these people were still behaving like they were at school, and they were all intelligent women.

They've all distanced themselves from the queen bee now apparently, so I would wait it out OP.

And there is nothing like a bit of passive aggression to make those who it is aimed at feel mean and uncomfortable.
I would imagine that the group are all busy Whatsapping this morning commenting.
I hope it leaves a bad taste.
If it wasn’t intentional then OP will be receiving heart felt apologies this morning.

Personal growth.
Wld ya get ta fuck now.
Really.

It’s strange, do you think they have set up a separate whattsapp group

dis anyone comment on your FB comment

I haven't had a chance to read all the posts. But if the night out wanst mentioned on the group chat. Means they have a separate chat going as well. Sorry OP. I hope you're OK.x

Believe me they won’t.

Sorry to hear that’s happened to you. I think SeasonalWitch’s advice is spot on.

@Sausage1989

wtf? You don’t get someone wanting to go out with their friends?!

Good grief.

If you really want to give people an excuse to mock you behind your back, send that message.

I completely get it. I am peripheral to a few groups, so it's not like I never go out in a group, I'm included occasionally. But generally, I'm nobody's best friend. I am the acquaintance. I have this habit of believing that a connection I imagined was mutual :-/

I do have some friends that I go out with one to one. I don't know, am I too intense for a group? I don't know, I feel like I am good company, a good listener, funny, but as some others upthread have alluded to, I am maybe not glossy enough............ I am averagely attractive I know but I have less money than average, I'm single. My job is v modest. My flat is very very modest. I have enough, but a friendship with me would not validate anybody else. That is not something I can provide!

How is she acting? Not seen anything she has done wrong.

sorry this has happened OP. Very teenage mean girl behaviour.

giving the benefit of the doubt and assuming this has not happened before - could there have been a communication issue?

I would message one of the group you feel closest to and say, ‘Hi, saw the photos of the mums night out on FB, made me a bit sad as we always usually meet as a group - have I done something to upset you all? it’s made me feel weird to be the only one from the group to be left out. What’s going on?’

A decent friend would message or call right back to explain and reassure.

Yes, when I looked back after it happened to me, that's exactly what it was: I was no longer 'useful' to the ringleader, so effectively dumped.

I'm much more careful of people these days.

Yes, sometimes you need to shine a light on it, directly and calmly.

Sorry @ErniesGhostlyGoldTops your situation is different, you were in this group, not peripheral, they must have created a separate channel for communication which is so unnecessarily exclusionary and petty.

If this was me & i could definitely with certainty say I hadn’t mentioned to them money issues, or being busy at that time I would decide instantly that these are not my people because I wouldn’t want to be friends with anyone who could do that to a person. I wouldn’t feel any loss because again: not nice people. Not for me. Better off with better friends and leave these too it. Matter if time before they do it to another member of the group. Rise above OP x

If it’s an active WhatsApp group and you usually go out together, I’d just message and ask why you weren’t invited last night ?

I'd've done more than that. I'd have asked where my invite was as a reply on the post. You CAN step away from them all. This is why I don't do friendship groups because they can be snidey and sneaky. I'd rather have a mix of friends that might occasionally overlap but not a whole exclusive bunch with no other friends.