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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not invited :(

451 replies

BlueNavy · 11/11/2023 23:28

Mum friends just posted on FB them all out drinking and having fun tonight. I'm on the sofa watching telly, wasn't invited and really upset about it. All people I'm friends with and I would have loved to have gone. No falling out, get on with everyone, I hate that things like this happen. Feeling shit now and wondering what else I've missed. Only know cause of stupid social media.😔

OP posts:
mangochops · 12/11/2023 09:00

OP- a method that was helpful for me in discerning what to do in situations such as this is two fold:

  1. Look at the logical facts. Without any emotion involved- what has actually happened. Is there is history of this behaviour? are there any other actual things/instances that they have done in the past that are similar to this? is this a pattern of behaviour? If they have done this out of sheer spite, its highly likely you will come up with other instances where other unkind things have happened or things have been said.
  2. Once you've noted what has occurred without any emotional interpretation, go inside and listen to your gut/intuition. How do you feel when you are around these people?- what does your gut say about what has happened? Its possible to care about people, but still not feel right when you are around them so listen to how they make you feel when you are with them.

Then, based on the facts and your intuition you can decide how to proceed and if you do in fact still wish to be friends with these people. Lots of response suggestions but only you can really decide how you wish to address this. One thing I will say though is- you are more than capable of making new friends. You dont have to stay friends with people who treat you poorly simply out of fear you will be alone. That is no way to go through life. There are potentially loads of amazing people who you could be friends with in the future so dont sell yourself short x

angieloumc · 12/11/2023 09:00

Very unpleasant women, you don't need 'friends' like that.

Hibiscrubbed · 12/11/2023 09:01

Ugh, I hate it when one person is left out. They knew what they were doing seeing as they ignored your message about weekend plans.

thegreylady · 12/11/2023 09:03

You go onto the group chat where all of them will see it and ask them why they didn’t invite you.

GreenSalon · 12/11/2023 09:04

It’s awful isn’t it? I had similar-ish. Big group of mum friends we had even gone abroad together with children etc. I’d always had suspicions that one saw me as a threat - don’t know why but it was there in certain behaviours.

Saw they’d all gone out one night even though I’d run into one of them the day before and asked about her weekend plans and she said nothing!

I left the WhatsApp group saying I had a lot going on and wanted to reduce the amount of group chats I was on for a while.

Obviously anyone sensible would have known what I was doing. However only one contacted me to ask if I was sent ok and turned out she’d been told I didn’t want to go. Fast forward 4 years and she and I are really close. None of the rest of the group speak to each other!

I was bullied as a child and it felt like that no matter how easy it is to say it’s not the same. I’m also very successful in my professional life, happily married and thankfully had other friends. However I really thought this group of friends were solid and felt foolish that they weren’t. It really undermined my confidence and took up way too much emotional energy. For me personally it was important to take control as I knew done once, that behaviour would continue.

Joeylove88 · 12/11/2023 09:05

Your friends are shit OP! You asked if they had any weekend plans and they didnt reply pirposely because they obviously did make plans without you then put it on Facebook knowing you would see. I would 100% be calling them out on it and let them know that its hurt you to be excluded for no good reason. Even if you lose the friendship honestly its better losing shit friends than having none. You can start again and find new friends!

Sloth66 · 12/11/2023 09:05

They deliberately chose to leave you out, then chose to post their night out , knowing you’d see it.
it doesn’t matter really what any reason might be. There’s no justification for that sort of bullying behavior.
This group really aren’t your friends. I’d say they want a reaction from you, so I wouldn’t give it. A smile if you see any of them, then walk on.
it’s really tough, but longer term as someone else said, don’t rely on one group like this. Join Clubs and groups to meet other nicer people. They are out there.

betterangels · 12/11/2023 09:06

savoycabbage · 12/11/2023 06:39

Yes, they clearly have another thread without you. There is no way that they have set up a night out and seven people haven’t thought to mention it to you or to say something about it in the group chat you are in.

There is nothing to be gained by liking photos of commenting on the post.

The friendships are over in my opinion. It’s not even your decision to make really. It’s already been made for you. I agree with @crew2022

This, unfortunately. The silence is loud and clear.

Savoury · 12/11/2023 09:07

Taking a wild guess, I suspect they’re also meeting more if they’re comfortable posting to social media, at least in smaller groups.
Are they around more for drop-offs and pick-ups or have the kids’ friendship groups changed meaning they’re dropping and collecting to each other’s houses more?
The good news about school mum friendships groups is that they usually disband as the kids hit 11 and go to different schools, and only close friendships remain.
I don’t blame you for being sad. I left all social media when I saw school mums out although I didn’t really enjoy their night outs and had been out with my own friends the previous night!

VanityDiesHard · 12/11/2023 09:07

Mumof2beautifulbabies · 12/11/2023 00:56

Are they your mums friends or your friends? I do feel like sometimes my mum expects an invite to everything I do, and I like to keep things slightly separate sometimes. Maybe your mums doing the same?

Mum friends, not Mum's friends. So friends she has made through being a mother, ie met at the school gate, so to speak.

Pizzalover46 · 12/11/2023 09:08

Is there some sort of backstory? It's odd that 7 people would leave you out like this for no reason. It's not good behaviour though, and really hurtful for you. Agree with PP saying to make friends elsewhere.

hotcandle · 12/11/2023 09:08

Thekirit · 12/11/2023 02:39

Why don’t you just come clean
Message them tomorrow. Say ………
“hope you had a great time, I was sad to see you hadn’t asked me too. I would have loved to see you all. “
Then suggest a next night out together. With place, date etc.

just be upfront
you’ regret it if you ponder and wonder why me

Do not do this. It's humiliating.

I'm sorry you were left out OP. It's a really horrible feeling.

Autumnleaves89 · 12/11/2023 09:10

Totally crap, there’s really no excuse for this high school playground shit. I’m sorry. I would be hurt too 💐

ThickSkinnedSoWhat · 12/11/2023 09:12

RosiePeel · 12/11/2023 04:13

There has to be more of a story to this. Nobody is that dense that they’d sneak off but then post on social media about it.

I'd say they deliberately posted it on social media for OP to see, as some sort of cowardly hint. I'm sorry OP, I've been in your situation myself. I have a very small handful of friends left in life now, which does suck, but it's better than having a group of mean girl bastards like them. Hope you're alright.

RuhRohRaggy · 12/11/2023 09:12

I wouldn't even dignify it with a response. The chat would be archived and i would both distance myself from the group and carry on doing my own thing.

Whiteday · 12/11/2023 09:12

That's tough, sorry OP

Apossum · 12/11/2023 09:13

Ouch. That’s horrible and unfortunately sounds like it was purposefully done given they ignored your message about everyone’s weekend plans. I’m sorry, it really bloody hurts to be dropped by people you thought were good friends. I got ditched for no real reason by a couple of women I thought were really good friends back in July and I still get that lurchy feeling in my stomach when I see them post stories and photos together.

ripplingwater · 12/11/2023 09:13

The good news about school mum friendships groups is that they usually disband as the kids hit 11 and go to different schools, and only close friendships remain

Yup- there were quite a few cliquey mum groups at my son's school. I spoke to them several times in a friendly, relaxed manner but they didnt want to know. None of them are friends now it seems - it was just a friendship based on convenience and drop off times. Thats not real friendship in my book- I'm still close friends with people I went to school with- if you truly care about someone you'll make the effort to keep in contact.

Expectingb24 · 12/11/2023 09:15

This sort of thing has happened to me before and I also put up with it as I don’t have other friends and didn’t want to have none! I’ve never really gotten over it and now just pick and choose what I go to with them which has its benefits.

Advicerequest · 12/11/2023 09:23

Horrible for you but I think you should ask.

Greenpolkadot · 12/11/2023 09:26

Thats right shitty of them OP.And hurtful...
Will you ask one of them why you were left out?

WimbyAce · 12/11/2023 09:27

Does seem deliberate I'm afraid with the fact you asked them about weekend plans and no one said anything 😔This is why I never get too invested in "friends", always ready to f#ck you over.

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 12/11/2023 09:27

Did anyone reply to the Facebook comment OP?

Fannyfiggs · 12/11/2023 09:30

You won't know unless you ask them. I know it's scary cos you might not like the answer but it's the only way to find out the reason they excluded you and sort it out.

Good luck OP x

Shadowsindarkplaces · 12/11/2023 09:34

I didn't get this at the school gates, I was never in a group, I made friends with another mum, we are still friends nearly 30 years later, and another friend was from one of the kids activities, again still friends.

I had this, though, with work colleagues. They were trying to 'get in' with the boss. She knew nothing about excluding me and one other colleague. We found out about it, made it clear we knew, they then were forced into inviting us. We accepted and made PA comments all evening.😂 The boss asked about it the next day, we explained, she was livid with them. Their 'political' move failed miserably.

The boss moved on ( upwards), they stagnated, I moved on to another company. The only one still in contact with me is the boss, and I know she doesn't keep in touch with them even though they still work for the same company. They moaned about it! 😂