Not invited :(

[BlueNavy]

Mum friends just posted on FB them all out drinking and having fun tonight. I'm on the sofa watching telly, wasn't invited and really upset about it. All people I'm friends with and I would have loved to have gone. No falling out, get on with everyone, I hate that things like this happen. Feeling shit now and wondering what else I've missed. Only know cause of stupid social media.😔

If you've known them for 8/9 years I'd pm everyone and let them know you are confused after having asked if they had plans for the weekend nobody mentioned a group night out. Did I miss something. Then I'd wait to see who replies. If there is no reply I'd be seeking new friends.
Let us know what happens. I Hope it all works out for you.

Is it possible they left you out by accident, OP?

I know they were quiet about their weekend plans, but it might be entirely accidental.

Either way, I'll give you the same advice I have given to my DDs ever since they started school - namely that they shouldn't hang around with the same girls all the time, and should widen their friendships because no good ever really comes of being dependent on one little group.

Though I don't get this whole 'friendship group' thing anyway. I would find it suffocating to have to do things with the same people all the time.

If I were you, OP, I'd stay on friendly terms with these women but also branch out a bit. You might find that you like some of the other people you meet more than you like these people.

I think since you asked what people were up to at the weekend and nobody replied, I would take that as they all probably knew that you were not invited and either did not want to say that to you pre the event. I would just ask the question to one of the mums that you are perhaps closer to and find out why you were excluded if it bothers you. It may be that 1 person has decided she doesn't want to invite you for whatever reason vs. the entire group, that person could have been the one arranging. It does happen sometimes and it may not mean that you are excluded to all events going forward.

Does one of them have a 7 seater?

It is shit being left out, brings all the playground insecurities back💐

Exclusion does happen but every time somebody posts about it, they're gaslighted in to feeling petty or dramatic.

You haven’t just had a birthday have you OP? And your friends set up a separate WhatsApp group to plan for your birthday then accidentally used it to organise a night out? We once did this to a friend by accident, but fortunately realised before the evening.

@BlueNavy i can certainly empathise -it feels rotten when this sort of thing happens. I was in a very similar situation with a bunch of mums from my younger sons class. They seemed to arrange lots of events but I was infrequently invited, however I was not too bothered as they were the mums of my sons friends.
More recently I have become increasingly upset by two of my friends who have been away for lots of breaks without inviting me. Logical me understands as they both are single and have dogs. I’m married and youngest is still in school but it still hurts that these trips are only mentioned when they are back. I would like to join in sometimes

It hurts that I’m nobody’s first choice I guess 🧐🤷‍♀️

The silence after asking if anyone had any plans this weekend confirms they were all in cahoots to exclude you. There is no point in ignoring what has happened when you know they have discussed your exclusion from this night out - it is going to leave you feeling paranoid. You only have two choices really.

Find out what is going on by asking whoever you are closest too in the group to see if it is some sort of misunderstanding that can be fixed.

Or leave the group.

I hope it is the former and just a misunderstanding, but if there is no clear reason then staying in the group will not be good for you long term. Best to rip off the plaster when these things happen.

Bless you..I have been there in my case I was the only foreign person in the group so I started to think it was cos of that but I’m a bit annoying and I just asked WTF didn’t you call me guys? ( in a joking way and tone ) I was effin dying from boredom at home 🙄. See what they say and tell them don’t forget me next time .. 🫣😂

That’s really shit OP especially as you asked their plans, definitely feels deliberate that you didn’t get an invite…
People are just shitty sometimes.
Had the same thing this weekend three couples all out and me and my DH weren’t invited. Don’t know why and feel rubbish about it but what can I do. Even if it’s just a mistake or an oversight it feels so rubbish, I’m sorry. 💐

It’s hurtful OP, I get it. The fact they didn’t tell you when you asked about weekend plans, and the fact they must have a separate group chat to arrange it, is rotten of them.

I’d quietly withdraw from the friendship group with dignity. If no-one has contacted you to say there was a terrible oversight in not inviting you, that tells you all you need to know about the type of people they are. I wouldn’t bother asking anyone for the reasons, they’ve shown you the type of “friends” they are and you can do better.

Totally agree.

They firstly did not reply to your question on WhatsApp, then they posted on Facebook the photo. If they didn’t reply to the message you left soon after, saying it was a terrible mistake, you were forgotten, they are being very mean.
I am so sorry for the hurt you are feeling.
I would delete my remark on Facebook, giving them no satisfaction.

I agree that this would be a good way forward.

Similar happened to me years ago. Three women who I thought I was quite friendly with as a group posted photos of them on a night out on a city break. It was only one night - one of them had a work arrangement and they just decided to go. I still don't know why I wasn't invited because I never asked. I didn't want them to know how hurt I was.

Well time marched on. We became closer friends and did go on to have weekends away and nights out. Until one of the 4 suddenly deleted 2 of us from FB and cut off all contact. Another one went LC. The LC one posted a few photos thereafter of the two of them on nights out. No obvious reason, and never did find out why. The deleting 'friend' did have MH issues and also had a track record of cutting people off dramatically. I wasn't unduly surprised or even upset in the end.

Two of us remained firm friends and she included me in her group of very long-standing friends, and it's so much of an easier friendship with none of the drama.

Keep it casual is my advice - don't bite off your nose to spite your face. Look for ways to make other friends. Go on nights out with them by all means if you're invited to those, or suggest making plans yourself, but don't be reliant on them. See how it plays out.

Shitty behaviour from them OP. I’d be really hurt too. It sounds to me like they avoided your question on purpose when you asked about weekend plans. Unnecessarily bitchy behaviour and I wouldn’t want to be friends with them.

That’s awful that you asked and nobody answered you about weekend plans. Is there anything about you that stands out from the others? Some mums I’m friendly with at the school gates asked me on a night out. I politely declined because I am a bit older than them (only 6 years or so but the post/pre 40 makes a difference to stamina I think!) and they stay out drinking til 4am whereas I’m happy with a couple of wines then home before midnight! Better to not go then exit when things are just getting wild 😂

When I first moved into the area I live in now (small village). I was invited around to someone's house. Went along, and she spent a chunk of the time talking about how cliquey the women were with her husband sympathetically nodding along. I could tell she was deeply hurt by the social media photos of other mothers in the area out in groups and she wasn't invited. I could tell this was something she talked to her husband a lot about.

Nor was I invited along on those nights out (which was probably why she shared with me) but I genuinely hadn't given it a thought and genuinely didn't feel hurt or excluded. I remember feeling really surprised by the extent of her hurt.

Ten years on, those groups have fragmented as their children have grown and careers changed, and I don't see photos of them all out together.

I do think some people see these groups as more proper 'friendship' groups than others do, and therefore feel more excluded. I always thought it was just a bunch of mums who happen to have kids together at school casually getting together every now and then. If they were hard and fast friends, they'd still be meeting up, and they aren't.

I also suspect they'd have been surprised if they knew someone was hurt by it. And also a bit surprised if someone assumed they SHOULD be included.

This has happened to me and its horrible.

I stepped away quietly and never said anything. Couldn't trust myself to not cry and then be accused of being dramatic/pathetic.

It's tough when people you think are your friends show you that they're not.

All you can do is emotionally detach and try and build up with friendships with others.

If they try and say that it was a mistake and you were overlooked then that isn't much consolation either. You deserve better.

Have you actually told them you would be interested in going with them? I have a group of friends who are all around 10 years older than me with grown up children. We all met through a shared interest - it was something along the lines of bird watching - and they would go away for weekends in relation to this interest. Once we were all out for dinner and they were telling me about the latest trip they were planning, and I said 'that sounds amazing, I would love to do that' and it turns out the only reason they hadn't suggested I went along with them previously is because my DC were very young when they first started going away and they just hadn't thought to invite me once my DC were a bit older and I had more freedom. Anyway I have joined them on every trip since then and we have a great time.

OP, I think the best advice you've been given on this thread is to cultivate multiple different groups of friends - it's never a good idea to put all your eggs in one basket in most situations in life.

That’s really awful. Has anyone even had the decency to message you personally since you commented on the FB pic?

If it was me, I'd quietly withdraw from the group. I wouldn't make a scene of trying to find out the what's, wherefores, and why's of the situation. You're unlikely to get an honest answer anyway as most people tend to cover their backs and give cop out answers when called out for shitty behaviour.

The biggest tell in this situation is that you asked what their weekend plans were and none of them said anything. Any chance that it was an oversight to not invite you died on that spot. It was intentional.

I personally couldn't remain in a friendship group that would deliberately exclude one person from it without explanation. For me, it would be more awkward to hang around where I've clearly been shown I'm not wanted than it is to just quietly bow out.

I've had similar happen and whilst it didn't result in the end of a friendship because it wasn't anywhere near as cut and dry and bad as this-it still stung so I imagine this hurts even more. One of my closest friends would always go on nights out with her friends, people I'd met and got along with-and then afterwards say, "Oh, you should have been there!"

After not inviting me or telling me about it so I could have been there. It was hurtful because whilst we had separate friendship groups, I always made an effort to include her with my other groups too-so it would have been nice to have had that reciprocated rather than finding out after the fact and being told that I should have went.

That one was a genuine oversight (multiple oversights) but this seems like it was deliberate and intentional. I'd not continue a friendship like that. I don't have time for people like that.

I would say focus on other friends or try to make new ones. It sounds like they left you out on purpose, which is not nice. Some people just are not so inclusive always. It sucks and I think so rude if you have been friends for years and no one responded when you asked about weekend plans.

They shouldn’t have just excluded you, see if anyone replies, that will tell you a lot.

It might be worth asking one of them one to one why they didn’t invite you?

You have to do what’s right for you but I wouldn’t hang out with a group of people that didn’t treat me like an equal member of the group. I would tell them they hurt me and move on and find better people. I have been in that position myself in the past and I know how hurtful it is.

Hope you get some answers op. Horrible feeling being left out like this 😭