Not invited :(

[BlueNavy]

Mum friends just posted on FB them all out drinking and having fun tonight. I'm on the sofa watching telly, wasn't invited and really upset about it. All people I'm friends with and I would have loved to have gone. No falling out, get on with everyone, I hate that things like this happen. Feeling shit now and wondering what else I've missed. Only know cause of stupid social media.😔

Unfortunately op when people do this and you make them feel guilty it's more likely to make them push you out.

I feel like the dignified response would be to silently detach from the group without saying a word, however I personally would not be able to keep quiet about this as it would eat away at me!

I would message the member of the group you are closest to something along these lines:

"Saw everyone was out tonight. I was surprised that I knew nothing about the meet up so I'm assuming that I wasn't invited. Just to check there haven't been any wires crossed, is there a reason why I was excluded from this event? When I asked what people's plans were this weekend, nobody responded so everyone must have known."

Keep it matter of fact, devoid of emotion or desperation but calling them out at the same time. I hate this behaviour, completely unacceptable, particularly in grown adults who are also parents, do they encourage their children to ostracise others in this manner?

I once literally bumped into a friend and we said about going out for a drink, she had been texting someone else who said oh I’ll ask (person who lived close by). We bumped into people we knew out and posted on Fb and then a friend commented underneath ‘I’d have come out if I knew you were out’ and the guilt!! Sometimes people get swept along and there’s such a crowd that someone gets omitted. It’s not right and it always seems unlikely but it’s extremely possible (shit though for you x)

If this is your entire friendship group, you can’t risk being passive or quiet about it. You need to face it head on and just ask one of them you are closest to why you weren’t invited. Otherwise the whole situation will erode your self esteem when there could be a logical explanation.

The fact they didn’t say when you asked wknd plans and then posted on social media is very telling. They knew you’d see that. Did they all post or one that tagged the rest?

Something has bothered them and that’s why you weren’t invited.

@VeronicasCloset oh shhh, they excluded her, she can comment what she wants.

I agree with people that this wasn't an oversight/crossed wires because you asked about their weekend plans and they remained quiet.

I wouldn't ask them anything. Why, when their actions have shown you that they do not care about your feelings.

Playing devils advocate here though, I would ask myself if there is anything you could have possibly done to have not been included. For instance, there is one mum i know, who i have been for drinks with..one on one. She talks about everyone and goes out her way to find out what people are up to .In public at school, she makes a point of standing away from me. Considering she talks about everyone, I know she has certainly also talked about me too. I now do not go for drinks with her and would not include her.

Have your kids fallen out?

Are you a non drinker/don't like loudness or any sort of banter?

Looking at it from both sides might help.

Though I hate exclusion and it was mean of them to ignore you and post on SM, I would want to ask myself questions.

It's never enough to leave someone out. They have to be shown that they've been left out. Just can't resist putting it all over social media, can they?

I find it interesting but depressing that women in particular question their own sensitivities before they question the behaviour and motivations of others. It isn't an oversight. You actively asked if anyone had plans for the weekend and were stonewalled.

Were I in this position I'd take the following view: if people are more into the passive-aggressive, grand gesture than having an open, adult discussion with me about whatever it is they perceived I'd done to piss them off, then I have no time for them.

There are few forms of behaviour I despise more than this form of PA cowardice. Such people are a disappointment, falling some way less of what any reasonable person can expect from mature, functioning adults.

I couldn't be arsed to have a scene with them, or grovel to them asking 'what have I done wrong' (thus taking their bad behaviour upon yourself when it isn't you, it's them). I would take the broad hint they intended, step back, and drop them from social media and elsewhere.

They've shown you they are no longer worth your time.

I would have replied a bit more than “looks like a fun night”. To not answer your question about weekend plans and then post their night, knowing you would see it, is really unkind. Unless it’s been an oversight and no one saw your post about weekend plans.

It is hurtful yes. Had it done to me by siblings. Find groups quite bitchy so Ive just 2 friends now. Just less dramas.... But not nice seeing it on social media op.

It’s really shitty OP, but with Christmas coming up, could you enquire as to the groups next plans? It’s be a shame to miss out on more upcoming fun. Or maybe organise something yourself and invite them all?

Are you part of the group and know her in real life?

Geez. I think people really need to understand there’s two sides to every story and then there’s the truth.

I was friends with a colleague, but then she started to give me detrimental advice about work to suit her, would make backhanded comments, if we met up she would talk at me, tried to steal money off someone by not giving her a deposit back for a cancelled event when she was refunded.

I distanced myself and became really good friends with two other colleagues (who had never been friends outside work with her) and the tantrum she threw when the three lf us went out was insane. It got to the point where I wasn’t allowed to go get a Starbucks with one of them on our lunch without her demanding we go into a meeting room to discuss it. It was insane.

Funny how she went on three separate hen dos last year and fell out with the bride on every single one and couldn’t understand that she was the common denominator.

Ultimately you could look at that as an outsider not knowing any of the details and just think I excluded a friend/colleague from a group. There’s always more to a story than other people post when they want you on their side.

@getinthedust But what's the point of not posting the full story and getting anonymous people on an anonymous forum on your side? I can sort of understand people would do that in real life sometimes but on here? Really?

@Fedupwitheveryone see on threads like this I almost always take the similar position to you - not to jump to conclusions, it could just be a misunderstanding, or, as in FrenchFancie/GreenSalon's examples, even if it was deliberate some of the group could conceivably be completely unaware of what was going on, so it's not worth cutting everyone out before asking what happened.

However unfortunately I don't think it's the case here - not only would it be unusual for all 7 other members of the group to have somehow missed OPs 'anybody doing anything at the weekend' post, but, as several pps have pointed out in order to have organised the night out they must have communicated somehow - with 7 people it's highly unlikely they all just happened to bump into each other in the same place at the same time. Even if they'd, for example, arranged it face to face at the school gate on a day when OP happened not to be there and hadn't realised she'd not been told about it, the chances that they the NEVER mentioned anything about it again, either when they saw each other, or on the group chat- no 'What time are we meeting again next week?' 'How is everybody getting there tomorrow?' 'What's everyone wearing?' 'I'm so excited for Saturday, it's been ages since I've been out!' 'Sorry guys I'm running a bit late I'll meet you in town,' etc. is incredibly low.

I think its 100% they had another group chat for everyone else apart from OP in which the night out was organised, in which case it really can't be anything but deliberate.

Sorry OP, I agree it sucks. Maybe take some comfort from the fact it's happened to so many other people on the thread as well.

This is so cringey, it’s painful 😬

Hurtful. I'd prefer to ask in person if you're likely to bump into someone soon rather than get into a text convo. Be friendly and breezy. Something has gone awry if only one out of 8 has been missed out.You'd might as well know what it is. Don't write a long message.

Better to start again if necessary than have a toxic group if it turns out there isn't an easy explanation.

do something for yourself

@getinthedust I’m sorry but work friendships are very different to friendships. A bit like family you can’t choose your colleagues, but are forced to form a relationship with them in order to carry out your job.
Friendship can develop from work relationship but most people are careful to keep work and social life separate. Outside of work you build friendships with people who often have a lot more in common with you. Mum groups have a lot in common but it can still be a bit forced.
Unless the OP is neurodiverse and struggles with friendships then she has likely become part of this group over a reasonable period of time when it becomes obvious whether you fit or not. Which is why it is a surprise to her that she’s suddenly been excluded.
I would agree with other PP that this is not the first time but it’s the first time she’s been aware of it.
I remember being excluded by an extended group of friends while at Uni. From that point on I have never attached myself to a group again.
What I was unaware of at the time was that I was suffering from a benign brain tumour which seriously affected my mood. I was not fun to be around and when I look back I realise why I became isolated.
The problem is when it happens early on you never learn to trust what anyone does or says. As a result you are continually checking yourself and lose the ability to be spontaneous and relaxed around others.
I’m a floater because it suites me to keep people at arms length. I tend to extricate myself if people want too much of me. It’s easier to keep your distance and not feel hurt than subject yourself to the pain of exclusion.
It’s interesting that my DS is the same, he makes friends really easily but isn’t exclusive to any particular “tribe” at school. He has a couple of very close friends but moves easily between groups.

Terrible advice.

'Guys, you stabbed me, but you missed a spot, so here I am again!'

For an oversight to happen once (no one answering when you ask about their plans) then the possibility remains that it's just that: an oversight.

Twice (plastering their 'fun night' all over social media they know you can see) looks like carelessness.

If it waddles, quacks and swims like a duck, it's probably a duck.

I don't blame you for being so upset. You were the only one left out and then they also ignored your message about weekend plans. I don't think it is important for you to understand why they didn't invite you and give it the headspace. Let it go. The way they treated you is quite frankly unkind and awful. Step away and spend your time making new friends. It is daunting to find a new friendship group but you don't deserve to be treated as 2nd rate, and the type of people who have no shame in excluding you or to have and adult conversation or apology even are really not worth keeping as friends. Guaranteed these are the sort of friends who will cause drama and upset further in the future.

Not at all childish, and passive aggression is the best sort, it tends to annoy people more!

Absolutely this
They're not worth the upset op
Hate shit like this
Hope you're ok

Not at all childish, and passive aggression is the best sort, it tends to annoy people more!

This is nonsensical. Why would seven people who have decided that that they want a night out be annoyed by someone else posting "looks like a good night' on their photo?