Not invited :(

[BlueNavy]

Mum friends just posted on FB them all out drinking and having fun tonight. I'm on the sofa watching telly, wasn't invited and really upset about it. All people I'm friends with and I would have loved to have gone. No falling out, get on with everyone, I hate that things like this happen. Feeling shit now and wondering what else I've missed. Only know cause of stupid social media.😔

Id ditch them all. They're not friends

True.

Don't do this, it is grovelling! Makes it look like they are above you. They're a set of horrible people and fake friends.

I also thought it could be a group night out for a group the OP isn’t part of, but agree with @TidyDancer that then “any weekend plans?” Message would get a reply like “there’s a do for the rugby parents.” /“dance mums night out.”/“class drinks for the little ones.” Etc.

sorry OP. Hope you are ok today. Don’t respond now.

It's not that simple. It's more likely relationsal dynamics at play. There are two ''presentations'' of low confidence and the type that externalises all of their inadequacies projects on to those who internalise. So dominant ''main character types'' can feel threatened by the presence of somebody who operates in a more authentic but vulnerable way. I have experienced it a few times. The wannabe feels literal confusion, why do the rest of the group like this average woman? she's not rich, not married to somebody rich, not well-connected, literally all she has going for her is that other people seem to like her it's baffling to them.

Sometimes a group that lacks a really strong cohesive identify (and a bunch of mums who have in common a child in year 2 fits this bill) defines itself by what it's not. So if the wannabe wants the rest of the group to validate her sense of herself, the presence of somebody who's emanating a vibe of ''hmmm i'm still assessing'' can be really really triggering.

My so called friends did this to me. It’s really hurtful and our friendship has never recovered.

What shitty behaviour and from supposed adults!

I'm sorry OP there is no excuse for what they've done and I bet all of them would hate it if someone did it to them and I hope to God their not raising their children to do the same to any of their friends.

I don’t have kids but I used to socialise with 2 neighbours and friends who were mums in my street, mostly cinema but occasionally drinks out. There was one woman in the street who was best friend of the DH of one of them, I didn’t know her so suggested she come along but they said she was an Amanda (Motherland) so not very nice and they didn’t want to invite her.

I got the feeling speaking with them about the school run (school very near) and the school
mums that they could be cliquey and though they did socialise with them they liked being with me and my friends and not having that input.

I’ve got no idea what to do but maybe try to make other friends or another school mum friend. Life is way too short for silly spats.

It is really odd that not one of seven adults said to the others 'We can't leave OP out'. Is it possible one person organised it and no one else realised you hadn't been included? Maybe now they all feel collectively guilty and each waiting for another to speak first? Or is there a back story? Have there been tensions in the past?

@ChannelNo19EDT Interesting view but I am struggling to get my head around what you mean. Who is the wannabe? Who is the average woman? I'm really interested in understanding relationship dynamics amongst friends.

This is why I have a lot of friends but not a group.

It's no better than gangs of mean girls at school. These silly women have not grown up and they are having kids of their own whilst being mean, horrible people. I feel sad for them, because they are sad themselves.

I agree with those saying DO NOT CHALLENGE THEM! They'll enjoy having the opportunity to verbalise their rationale for excluding you. They would love the opportunity to get excluding you off their conscience.

It's done now, you've posted, but in your shoes, I suggest that a good response would have been ''ouch!'' It's like ''yes that hurt but I'm going to be passive aggressive about it.''

just ''ouch'' and bye.

And you can walk away from these people op. Join a pilates group. Do clay figures at night school. join a refreshers French class. When you're doing all of this and you're so busy you've forgotten that your friends excluded somebody to make themselves feel better, start telling your new acquaintances that you're thinking of starting a book club which will be mostly crisps, bit of wine, bit of going to the cinema to see books made in to films, see if anybody who is not locked in to a clique bites

Thats shit. Hope ya okay x

This is why I don't do friendship groups because they can be snidey and sneaky. I'd rather have a mix of friends that might occasionally overlap but not a whole exclusive bunch with no other friends.

I'm the same, my eldest friend I've known for over 30 years and my child who is in their early 20's, and only really keep in touch with a couple of school mums from back then. Once we got to high school, we all drifted our own way, however it's a small village where everyone knows everyone.

Excellent post. I must try to remember this advice!

@ValerieVomit I think there is usually one person in the group who needs to consolidate their sense of belonging by excluding somebody else. They don't usually exclude the beautiful one, or the rich one, or the one married to the head teacher, local GP/MP, they usually exclude somebody who is actually a tiny bit like them, perhaps they worry that a glamorous group of go-getters (like they deserve to belong to) cannot carry one of them never mind two of them.

The last group that I was excluded from, the exclusion was perpetrated by ONE person but everybody fell in to line. it hurt me so much at the time but looking back on it I feel a lot more authentic. I wouldn't stand for that in any group. If somebody was just mildly not my cup of tea, I wouldn't dream of the manipulative strategies that certain types will go straight to in order to exclude the ''threat''. I was not a threat to the woman who did this to me. But I know that she will have rationalised it all in her head. I don't delude myself that she feels any guilt.

🙄

Waste of time to analyse why. I would just accept that they’re not what you thought they were and move on. Find new friends, refocus your life. Their loss.

I've read most of the posts I think.

I'm really sorry you were left out. It's horrible.

I wouldn't post on the WhatsApp group unless you are going to do so very directly like Fizzadora suggested - specify exactly what they did, and ask why, clearly.

Any other 'looks like a great night' type comments will just be ignored, leaving you feeling worse.

As to why - I have had bafflingly hurtful things happen to me. Not like this exactly, but ones where I really can't see any logic behind it or way I might have contributed. The reality can be that people can be thoughtless. While you may all be part of a group, someone how they perceive the friendship as closer between them all & organise on that basis & utterly thoughtlessly forget you.
It still makes them shit people. But there may not actually be a 'reason' or a deliberate intent. That can be harder to accept sometimes.

@Mirabai

or maybe they are just not very nice people??

It comes from the book “Queen Bees and wannabes “ which looks at social dynamics within groups of girls and women. It’s a fascinating read, because if you have been part of the school gate social scene you will recognise every character.
There is a light fictional book called “The Hive” which hysterically describes every school gate group I’ve come across.
I worked out that I was a “floater” who could move from group to group without becoming embroiled with the politics of the groups. Because I wasn’t officially a member of any group I never felt excluded. I did get invites but could graciously decline without causing offence.
I have one close friend from the school gate days. Mainly because our sons are still close and probably always will be. I would say we have a more sister like relationship and can agree to disagree without falling out. We value honest opinion and rarely stroke each others ego. She is the only person who knows about my DH’s emotional affair and I’m probably the only one she trusts with her relationship ups and downs. She was also the only one who physically and emotionally supported me through my breast cancer journey. We do t do the social, frivolous stuff together but we are there fore each other when everyone else politely disappears.

Either you had done something inadvertently that was perceived by others in a negative way or they are just not very nice people leaving you out. They wouldn't want it to happen to their child at school so why do it to the parent?

I have one close friend from the school gate days. Mainly because our sons are still close and probably always will be. I would say we have a more sister like relationship and can agree to disagree without falling out. We value honest opinion and rarely stroke each others ego. She is the only person who knows about my DH’s emotional affair and I’m probably the only one she trusts with her relationship ups and downs. She was also the only one who physically and emotionally supported me through my breast cancer journey. We do t do the social, frivolous stuff together but we are there fore each other when everyone else politely disappears

Yes, those are the best friendships. The floater, now that is interesting and sounds like myself. Human relationships are an interesting thing. I work in early childhood and the friend dynamics in between the children are actually fascinating to watch and unfold.

Haven't read the full thread so apologies if i've missed a crucial drip feed - but this kind of thing does happen occasionally with our wider 'schoolmum' what's app groups. It is almost never intentional. Even right down the the 'anything happening this weekend?' going unanswered because people are busy/preoccupied/thinking about school kid bday parties.

Similar situation happened to me recently and it was absolutely not intentional and I've had many apologies since.

Or potentially, OP you are less close to one of two of them, and they just forgot to leave you off initial invite? It doesn't mean they are all on the same page. You will know whether that is likely/possible.

Mumsnet really loves to jump to the 'bitchy schoolmum clique' cliche, but it might not be that.

And if it IS that - I would say nothing but make an effort to cultivate a non-school related friendship group eg bookclub/crossfit/yoga, and then you will care less, and you can keep the school friends you actually genuinely are closer to.

I have read every comment and just want to say that this thread is the very best of why mumsnet is amazing. It’s just so reassuring to read about other brilliant, kind, intelligent women who have also suffered exclusion as adults and the different strategies and advice.

I was given the cold shoulder by a friend who I really liked who was part of a wider group, she stopped speaking to me and then started organising things without me there. It honestly really shook me as previously to this I had never lost a friend in this way and it made me doubt myself so much. I honestly had a bit of a dark night of the soul for a year or so.

I am incredibly lucky in that I have a really generous number of friends and the group I was cut out of was never my “main” group of besties - but good god it hurt and really effected my self esteem.

But at the same time, I do see it as sort of a lesson - I had a few years of being included by everyone and well liked and the danger of that is that your self esteem becomes linked to validation from others. If you’re not careful you start to lose yourself and make decisions based on “fitting in” rather than your own values.

Even though it made me less trusting of friendships (would never have predicted that this woman would have dropped me and not at least let me know what I’d done wrong, so it does make me see all friendships in a new light) it also has reminded me that my sense of self must come from within. Even if the whole world turned against me, I would still need to love myself - so the opinion of one woman or a group of women should never be enough to shake me ever again.

In terms of practical next steps though, I think best option is to reach out (perhaps call?) the friend you are closest to and say how hurt you are and ask if something has happened. In this situation you really need to divide and conquer rather than communicate with them as a group.

In might transpire that it’s one or two of the group that don’t like you for whatever reason - but there are 7 of them right? So you find the 5 that do like you and you just cultivate those friendships - you make your own little breakaway clique and stop bothering with the ones that don’t like you as they’re not your tribe and they don’t matter.

> Similar situation happened to me recently and it was absolutely not intentional and I've had many apologies since

See, that's the difference. These did not apologize. Omg Liz we thought you knew! No, they knew she DIDN'T know, and posted the night out on Facebook, and ignored her when she reached out. They are not friends.