To want to find other closeted bi women near me (Kent)?

[ChocBanana]

I recently realised (aged 48, 49 in December) that I am bisexual. I have long thought I was bicurious but I suddenly realised that I was lying to myself, it’s not curiosity, it’s deep down desire for both sexes.
It has knocked me for six a bit but I am finally at peace with it, in my mind at least.
The only person I have told in real life is my husband, who is being very supportive. He is happy for me to sleep with women as long as it isn’t behind his back and I have no plans to leave.
My problem is that now I have accepted it and been accepted, I really, really want to find a woman who is in a similar position but I also don’t want anyone else to know.
I feel like I am finally being true to myself by acknowledging my sexuality but also that I can’t handle the truth getting out.
AIBU to want the best of both worlds? I want a woman I can share a physical and spiritual connection with but I absolutely don’t want an “out” relationship with her, for various reasons I don’t want to go into.
Does such a woman exist or am I just going to have to choose?

OK this is a bad idea. Why would you want to cheat on your husband just because you're bisexual?

My thoughts too.

And what makes you think that another bi woman would want to get involved in this scenario?

I wouldn’t be cheating on him. He has already said that he wouldn’t count it as cheating if I told him first. I literally said that in my post.

Is he allowed as well?

Why would anyone settle for being your bit on the side?

In my experience (online discussions) there are literally thousands of bi women married to men, many of who have their husband’s permission to play around. There are entire websites for that.

Dating apps are your friend. Be honest about what you want. Use a nickname and don’t load pics of your face.

Do try to be realistic though. You may well develop feelings that threaten your marriage.

Obviously. But he’s not interested in doing so.

Being bisexual doesn't have anything to do with you wanting to sleep with someone else. Their sex doesn't matter.

Do the right thing and leave your husband if you want to act like a teenager. This will not end well.

Hey, so you won't get much help on here. But I recently came out as bisexual. Myself and my husband explored this together and we've had a few threesomes with another woman. If your husband's comfortable with opening up your relationship then you've got to discuss boundaries. You run the risk of falling in love with another woman if you're dating and sleeping together on your own. If you're wanting to explore I'd go along the threesome route. But again something both of you need to be happy with. Most bisexual or lesbian women won't want a secret relationship so good luck finding that. They don't want to feel like someone's dirty little secret. If your husband's into opening up tho and you'd be happy seeing him with other people look into the swinging scene. Pm me if you want to chat.

There was a group on here if bi women who met and had a private group chat. Maybe I could be added into that.

Your expectations are very high and all on your terms. I can see it all ending in tears and your husband
walking away from your relationship.

Thank you for some sensible advice. I was warned that Mumsnet as a rule is pretty hostile towards bisexuals but it’s one of very few places I can post anonymously and reach a wide audience.

In your OP you say "Does such a woman exist or am I just going to have to choose?"

and then you say "In my experience (online discussions) there are literally thousands of bi women married to men, many of who have their husband’s permission to play around. There are entire websites for that."

Which is it OP? What is it that you are looking for here?

Thanks. I have actually spoken online with several women who would disagree with that, but as with practically the entire internet, they’re all in America.
I would like to PM you, actually, thanks, I’m interested to hear your experiences with coming out.

Then maybe those websites would be a better place to look than mumsnet

Being bi doesn’t equate to non-monogamy.
Maybe there’s something lacking in your relationship, is there scope to work on your feelings in that area? I agree with another poster who said it could threaten your relationship.

I don’t fucking know, do I? I THINK I am looking for something casual and unofficial with my husband’s knowledge and permission. If that develops into something more, then I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it, I guess.
Due to health issues (his, not mine) my husband and I haven’t had sex in well over two years but we are trying to work on the relationship as a whole.

Jesus, this whole thing is a fucking nightmare enough as it is without the barrage of abuse I appear to have walked into.

I didn’t choose to be this way. I didn’t choose to marry a man who would be essentially impotent by 45. I didn’t choose to have to consider divorce just so I can have my needs met. I didn’t choose to be so strongly attracted to the same sex that I would consider sleeping with them while married to a member of the opposite one.
I didn’t choose to lose hours of sleep and feel the absolute shame and guilt I feel about all of this.
I guess I should just go elsewhere, where I might get some actual advice instead of sneered at.

The ones I am on are mostly full of Americans either living their best bi lives and not understanding why it’s not that easy or ultra uptight religious people who are 100% in the closet. I was looking for a British perspective is all but I’ll shut up now, obviously bisexuality is a can of worms round here.

No one is sneering at you or hurling abuse?

Are you reading the same thread. I clearly stated that my husband is fully on board.
Apparently, I’m a teenager looking for a bit on the side.

Just in case you didn’t know this kind of rhetoric is a big part of why bi women are treated with such mistrust by lesbians.

Sure there are other women like you who would like a secret side chick who won’t catch feelings and rock their boat just be really sure you’re not tramping all over someone’s heart to get your rocks off.

The problem is op that your approach is (unintentionally I'm sure) reinforcing the Hackneyed stereotype that bisexual people want to have their cake and eat it too - that they are promiscuous and incapable of monogamy.

If you'd mentioned your relationship issues in your op, you may may have received different responses - and there are often trolls coming on here stirring the pot to generate outrage so that's probably why you're getting a hard time.

I understand your reasons for suggesting this as a solution but unless it's simply no strings sex you're after, it's likely to feel unfulfilling long term and/or you'll develop feelings for someone which would threaten your marriage so you need to be mindful.

OP just focus on the posts that are there to genuinely help and support you. Mumsnet is 90% full of women looking to put others down so ignore those ones. Never worth it.

Dating apps are probably the best way to go.

Actually nobody at all seems to care about your sexuality. It's your desire to cheat on your husband that people object to. Nobody has commented on sexuality except you.

As for the drip feed, maybe if you had led with 'my husband is impotent and we are trying to find ways to make our marriage work' you would have invited different conversations but honestly if he is really impotent, has he lost all interest in sexual activity? There are plenty of things you could do that don't involve an erect penis if he is willing? It may negate your need to look elsewhere. Especially if you're looking for a woman who would not be replacing the sex you say your husband cannot provide