To want to find other closeted bi women near me (Kent)?

[ChocBanana]

I recently realised (aged 48, 49 in December) that I am bisexual. I have long thought I was bicurious but I suddenly realised that I was lying to myself, it’s not curiosity, it’s deep down desire for both sexes.
It has knocked me for six a bit but I am finally at peace with it, in my mind at least.
The only person I have told in real life is my husband, who is being very supportive. He is happy for me to sleep with women as long as it isn’t behind his back and I have no plans to leave.
My problem is that now I have accepted it and been accepted, I really, really want to find a woman who is in a similar position but I also don’t want anyone else to know.
I feel like I am finally being true to myself by acknowledging my sexuality but also that I can’t handle the truth getting out.
AIBU to want the best of both worlds? I want a woman I can share a physical and spiritual connection with but I absolutely don’t want an “out” relationship with her, for various reasons I don’t want to go into.
Does such a woman exist or am I just going to have to choose?

Hands down this is turning hubby on and he's hopeful he gets to watch and "join in" one day....

Which is unfair on the other woman. She is expendable, worthless, not respected. That's probably why OP wants someone still closeted.

Which is why you join something like skirt club. Everyone is on the same page. It's purely about sexual exploration between women.

In the 11 years I've been doing this my DH hasn't wanted to join in.
Yes it turns him on but he doesn't want to be involved.

I have met women IRL who were Bi curious, we met for drinks or meals and went to a hotel or back to her house. At no time did they want to meet any of their friends or family. A hotel would be 50 miles away. Secrecy is not a problem IME.

I’m a closeted bisexual….

Thw only person who knows is the woman I told when I started developing feelings for her (that was last year).

Im 40 and I have been attracted to women since I was about 17 but I have only acted on it once when I was 24. Apart from that one woman I’ve always had boyfriends.

I’m married with two children but I think about women sexually all the time.

My dream would be for me to tell my husband and for him to give me permission to go and explore that side of myself.

I’m jealous OP 😂😂

I realised I was Bi a few years ago and also discussed it with my now ex, but with no intention of just meeting women to confirm my bisexuality. He went into ‘typical man’ mode and didn’t even hide the idea that it meant I’d be into a threesome. Unfortunately for him, over time I came to realise that the thought of this made me feel quite ill. I realised that I’d never actually enjoyed sex with any man unless thinking about other things, though I had (up until a couple of years ago) loved my ex. We separated for many reasons, I couldn’t have ‘explored’ what my personal wants were whilst still with him though. It’s been a year and I’ve still not taken that step - I’ve been with one guy who simply confirmed that I’m not sexually attracted to men, but that still doesn’t mean much.

Id suggest taking time to understand what you actually want, if it’s just curiosity or your fantasising about a life beyond what you have now. Because crossing that line in a relationship is not fair to your husband even if he thinks he’s ‘on board’ now. He may just be trying to keep you happy so you don’t leave and that’s not fair to anyone.

I’m glad OP posted this. I’ve been feeling this way for a long time but haven’t told anyone. It’s helpful to know there are others in the same boat

Your poor husband. Why would you do that to him?

Is it a sexual experience you’d like to try out first OP? Or are you hoping to be hooking up with this woman on a more regular basis?
If the former then maybe you could go to a sex club? They have them all over the country I believe. So you could travel to one without fearing seeing someone you know. You could go with your DH, or I believe lone females are often allowed to attend without a partner.

OP, I don't think the negative responses that you're getting here have anything to do with the fact that you're bisexual. Honestly, I couldn't care less who you're attracted to, attraction is such a personal, individual thing.

What people are reacting negatively to is the idea of sleeping with someone else when you are already married and/or to the idea that some poor woman would end up being your "bit on the side", playing second fiddle to your marriage. I get that your DH has agreed to this, and presumably any potential woman that you decide to get involved with would also know the score, so I don't think that you are actually doing anything "wrong" as such. I just think it's a risky way of managing relationships and that someone is very likely to end up getting hurt. Of course, some people do manage to make polyamorous relationships work. However, in the vast majority of cases, I think they're doomed to failure.

I was once the ‘third’ person invited into someone’s relationship because she was bicurious and so was I. Her partner was 100% on board (he initiated it) and he was quite happy for me and his partner to just go off and do whatever we wanted. Sometimes he liked to be with us if we went out for drinks or a meal etc, but mainly he’d be happy for me and her to just go off and do our own thing. He said he found the whole set-up extremely sexy and if the three of us were just hanging out at their house he loved seeing me and his partner be all flirty and touchy with each other etc, it was a massive turn-on to him. We never had a 3some, it was solely just me and her having fun exploring our bisexuality and him being totally fine with it.

However, although it started off as very fun and care-free with everyone being on the same page and nobody feeling cheated on or taken advantage of etc, after about 3-4 months the dynamic started to change as her partner started to get very jealous of the relationship I had with his partner. She and I never developed loving feelings towards each other but we obviously became closer and became good friends and that crossed a line that her partner wasn’t happy about.

Ultimately, within 6 months of this set-up being created, she and her partner broke up despite having been happy together for the previous 6+ years.

Maybe there were already cracks in the relationship and I was a sticking plaster, or maybe it was the innocent opening up of a happy relationship that was the reason for its demise. I guess I will never know.

It is for this reason that I would be terrified to open up my relationship as although I really, really want to be able to have sexual contact with a woman, I do not want my marriage to break down because of it.

I just try and make peace with the fact that when it comes to bisexuality and monogamy you have to be prepared to sacrifice one sex for the other.

You’re confusing bisexuality with an open relationship.

I dont think this is about being bi per say. Its about you needing more than your husband. Dont lead another woman on and hurt her. Your going to have to be open if you do this and I guess limit it to sex with the other woman and not a relationship. Swingers sites would be more suited to what you are describing.

I agree, @RunningFromInsanity .

The sad part is that she doesn’t appear to want to be married to her husband anymore, she’s considered leaving him several times. Why have an unhappy open relationship when you could be single and potentially happier?

Ask on the sex board as there’s loads of websites where you can find someone like minded, without getting abuse like AIBU. I always thought I’d never be interested in a woman then got talking to a woman at a concert and it was super scary I was kind of interested. Nothing happened though!

Oh come on, many men would love it.

Some husbands are actually okay with it.

OP, I think some of the responses on here are a bit ridiculous. I am bisexual and have been with DP - who is a woman - for ages. But before that I had been 'the third' and enjoyed it. You're not saying that you don't think women have proper relationships together, just that you're looking for some fun with another woman as you want to act on your impulses. That's so normal - very few women would be happy with an impotent husband. Agree with other posters that you should look up Feeld, Skirt Club, and also possibly Joyride in London. Good luck !

Can I ask, seeing as you are with a female partner, is there anything you miss about having a male partner? Do you ever crave something from a male partner that your female partner can’t give you? (emotions or chemistry wise for example).

Why does being bisexual mean you need to cheat on your husband?

@BeingGivenMoney no, not really. TBH I think I find the idea of being with a man - physically, I mean - more arousing in theory than in practice. When I was with my ex girlfriend I really looked forward to physically being with men again, and then I found it exciting initially, and then a bit dull. Before I started going out with women I never thought I would find it 'enough' sexually but I've been with DP far longer than with any of my male partners, and I got bored of all of them (sexually, emotionally, etc) quite quickly. Women keep you on your toes!

FFS missmollygreen Please read the thread or at least the posts from the OP

You can’t come onto MN, which is not a site set up for this, and expect good advice on the matter.

Or, at least you can’t expect to not have to wade through critical posts to get the odd one that is helpful. It’s completely naive to not realise this.

It always bemuses me when people come on to MN, of all places, to inquire about their niche sexual interest. Mumsnet.

There is a whole world-wide internet out there, including fairly decent search engines, and people come onto MN. And then get huffy when the feedback isn’t exactly what they’re looking for. I mean, 🤷🏻‍♀️

People aren’t anti-bi. Well, sure, some people will be, because it’s a big site. They’re just anti the discussion forum being used as a pick-up site.

People aren’t anti-bi. Well, sure, some people will be, because it’s a big site. They’re just anti the discussion forum being used as a pick-up site.

Since the closure of the Sex Chat thread there is a reluctance to use PMs which might be more useful to the OP and others. Yes I am pleased to note that this is in Relationships.
About two years ago I was chatting via PMs to two people in particular, one like me looking to take the first step and another woman who had much more experience.

I had not heard of Joyriders before so I just looked it up.
WoW, it's a bit strong for a Monday morning just before tackling the emails. Pass!

@Janinejones Can I send a PM to you then? I am in similar to the OP, Have met a woman that flirts a bit with women at the Gym. I am considering flirting back more, but afraid of looking foolish if I get have misunderstood.
I am divorced (nearly) and 39..