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AIBU?

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Original poster

Am I selfish if I don't give but don't take?

141 replies

SwimmingProblems · 11/11/2023 09:15

This is part of an ongoing issue with lifts to swimming in which I don't offer lifts but equally have never accepted one. (I have given lifts in emergencies and am happy to do so)

Anyway I'm on a WA group for lift sharing, I was added year ago but remained as it also shares other details (secondhand kit etc) also I've helped out people when they had an emergency (by private message)

People obviously do not think I'm on the group as this morning a message from a parent says

'Why is SwimmingProblems so selfish, she never does her share of the driving'

And a few others have added to agree that I should be sharing the driving.

I can't decide to reply or just leave the group.

OP posts:
Jessforless · 13/11/2023 11:26

Perfect response OP, hope they are suitably embarrassed.

It’s big of you to have stayed in the group for emergencies anyway. I probably would have seen that and left…

IncompleteSenten · 13/11/2023 11:33

Fantastic reply.

I don't understand their logic.
"You don't do your share" would only apply if you were accepting lifts but not giving them.

There's no share if you're not participating at all.

If I go to a restaurant and request a separate bill and pay for my food and drink have I then not paid "my share?"

No 'share' exists if you have opted out of the whole thing.

Except you are actually doing more than your 'share' because you're helping out occasionally with no expectation of reciprocity.

Like paying your separate bill then chucking a tenner on the table to go towards their bill too.

TotalOverhaul · 13/11/2023 11:35

SwimmingProblems · 11/11/2023 09:27

I do give lifts, in an emergency, and have collected swimmers and taken them home.

I'm not willing to become part of a carpool, or I take this, you next sort of arrangement.

Whjy don't you say exactly this on the group chat. It's true and fair.
You choose not to carpool but you stay on the group so you can help out in an emergency.

Eddielizzard · 13/11/2023 11:40

I think you handled that very well

IncompleteSenten · 13/11/2023 11:43

OldPerson · 12/11/2023 19:40

Sort of get the feeling the group all put themselves out for each other and you only joined the group to freeload on second-hand kit. The primary focus of the group is to support each other - EXCEPT YOU - you just want to freeload on second-hand kit opportunities. I'd boot you out of the group.

What makes you think she's freeloading? It's more likely she's swapping. Giving and taking.

Plus she said "etc" which indicates there are other things going on. For example exchanging useful information.

Why do you think she's freeloading?

mellowlight · 13/11/2023 11:43

redskyanight · 11/11/2023 12:21

Just to offer a different perspective on this.

When my DC were younger, I tried to set up a babysitting circle but it basically came to nothing because most of the parents I spoke to said they didn't need a baby sitting circle as they had plenty of extended family to babysit when required.

What I wanted was some people who would say "well, actually, I'm ok for babysitters but I can see there are benefits in having this circle in terms of forming friendships and having extra people to support me, and I want to help out those people who don't have extended family." But no one did.

I think OP's swimming dilemma could be similar - there needs to be a certain number of parents available to do the driving to make the group as a whole function well. OP has opted out of it because she's personally fine and doesn't need the lift share. But there's a wider picture.

I think that perspective is obvious to everyone to be fair. But recognising that some people need support where you don't doesn't mean you're able or compelled to give it.

Gillypie23 · 13/11/2023 11:54

No your not being selfish. You do favours when people need it. Tell them to shove it and leave the group.

billy1966 · 13/11/2023 11:58

Well handled.

If they are all sharing the load, what possible impact on them is it if you do your own thing?

My friends child was obsessed with swimming, and still is.
They go to lots of Gala's, a huge commitment.

She said she was plagued by parents to collect and drop their children as they knew she was going every single time and they simply didn't want to.

But she didn't want a car full of noisy children that her daughter isn't friendly with and neither did her daughter, just because they live 5-10 minutes from each other.

They would often go the night before, do a detour, go for a nice meal etc.

She is her only daughter and this is their thing.

A few of the parents found it difficult to comprehend that if she was going to the Gala anyway, why couldn't she just collect and drop their children too.

Because it didn't suit her!
The girls aren't friends so why would she want that regular commitment which she didn't want to share and wasn't being offered anyway?

I certainly get it.

Mrsgreen100 · 13/11/2023 16:45

I my experience, car time with your child alone is super important, they tend to share stuff with you then
same is still the case with my 21 year old , it’s always when important stuff gets voiced
don’t feel guilty, your car your choice, personally I would not to reply to stuff like that
ignore

Tawlk · 13/11/2023 17:39

.

TrustyRusty68 · 13/11/2023 20:42

Swimmers often train 6 nights a week plus mornings. If you don’t want to hang around, waiting for other people’s kids is painful! If you have a last minute change of plan, you end up letting people down or vice versa. I completely get it!

Potofteaplease · 13/11/2023 20:44

CurlewKate · 11/11/2023 09:37

IRL you are being unreasonable-a lift is no big deal if you're going anyway and it makes life a little easier for everyone.

On Mumsnet - a lift? I'd rather give a kidney!

It's very strange.

But OP likes having the the time chatting to her children in the car

Mama1209 · 13/11/2023 20:58

This is actually hilarious! The audacity of it!! Why on earth is it selfish that you don’t ferry their kids about lol. Do not fee in the slightest bit bad! You have done more than enough helping in an emergency and not asking for/ accepting any help back! I’d write that in the group too! Something along the lines of “I’m very sorry if you feel me stepping in when there’s an emergency and offering lifts is selfish, especially when I’ve never once asked for help in return! I’m here to keep updated and buy kit etc too not to ferry your kids about! I will now remove myself from the group since you think I’m so awful and selfish”

gemma19846 · 13/11/2023 21:00

Id just say id rather just take my own child to and from swimming

Moveoverdarlin · 13/11/2023 21:37

Well done OP. You handled it perfectly. The person who posted the original message must feel a complete tit now. Sometimes you really need to think before opening your gob. What was she hoping to achieve?

puffyisgood · 13/11/2023 22:15

Sounds like a good reply by OP TBH, does the job without going any further than it needs to.

It really depends on the length of the journey [e.g. a 1 hr each drive is well worth taking steps to avoid making often] but I tend not to like a lot of lift sharing, in my experience you can very, very easily spend up [say] 15 minutes per trip sorting out logistics, having to change your plans when someone else wants to switch weeks/turns around, waiting for someone to turn up or answer etc, somehow getting tangled up in various complicated drop-offs involving siblings etc, if the drive itself is anywhere near as short as 15 minutes per trip then I'm absolutely going to be doing the drive myself every time.

Whalewatchers · 13/11/2023 22:17

Updaaaate

itsalongwaybackfromsorry · 13/11/2023 22:23

My hero.

I wouldn't have shared lifts to/from pool when mine were young either except in emergencies. Getting kids ready for swimming and then ready to go after swimming is a special kind of hell at times, especially when it's cold outside, and I would have had zero interest in sorting other people's children out on top of my own, or wanted to wait around for them.

Not to mention it means you can't do errands on the way home, etc, something we frequently do after activities.

PumpkinFence · 13/11/2023 22:30

OldPerson · 12/11/2023 19:40

Sort of get the feeling the group all put themselves out for each other and you only joined the group to freeload on second-hand kit. The primary focus of the group is to support each other - EXCEPT YOU - you just want to freeload on second-hand kit opportunities. I'd boot you out of the group.

You’re the original poster on the WhatsApp group aren’t you 😂 Trying to back track and save face and get everyone here to back you!

NovemberAutumn · 13/11/2023 22:30

I love that you gave that reply!

user1492757084 · 13/11/2023 22:38

You are not selfish. you are honest and you are up front.
Every one knows where you stand and you help in an emergency.
I would post that to the What'sApp group.

avemariiiaa · 13/11/2023 22:41

OldPerson · 12/11/2023 19:40

Sort of get the feeling the group all put themselves out for each other and you only joined the group to freeload on second-hand kit. The primary focus of the group is to support each other - EXCEPT YOU - you just want to freeload on second-hand kit opportunities. I'd boot you out of the group.

The group appears to be for all sorts of details including second hand kit and lift sharing.

The OP has no responsibilities or obligation to provide lifts to other people if she isn't accepting lifts of anybody.

I have enough shit on my plate without ferrying other peoples sprogs to activities to add to the list. I'm on a tight timescale after work and can just about manage to get my kids to where they need to be. Adding taking detours and waiting for kids to faff about getting to the car is just not something I can commit too. If anybody suggested I should be joining in with lift sharing they would be told under no uncertain terms to go and swivel.

whiteshutters · 13/11/2023 22:48

Someone deleted your comment? I would never be in a WhatsApp group where some other person was going to be able to delete my comment.

avemariiiaa · 13/11/2023 22:51

whiteshutters · 13/11/2023 22:48

Someone deleted your comment? I would never be in a WhatsApp group where some other person was going to be able to delete my comment.

No, the bitchy message was deleted

whiteshutters · 13/11/2023 22:56

@avemariiiaa I'm not clear on who deleted it ?

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