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Original poster

Am I selfish if I don't give but don't take?

141 replies

SwimmingProblems · 11/11/2023 09:15

This is part of an ongoing issue with lifts to swimming in which I don't offer lifts but equally have never accepted one. (I have given lifts in emergencies and am happy to do so)

Anyway I'm on a WA group for lift sharing, I was added year ago but remained as it also shares other details (secondhand kit etc) also I've helped out people when they had an emergency (by private message)

People obviously do not think I'm on the group as this morning a message from a parent says

'Why is SwimmingProblems so selfish, she never does her share of the driving'

And a few others have added to agree that I should be sharing the driving.

I can't decide to reply or just leave the group.

OP posts:
Takenoprisoner · 11/11/2023 14:58

Beautiful3 · 11/11/2023 14:04

I've always done the same as you, take my own children to things and never car pooled. Because someone always takes liberties. I have helped out in emergencies, but nothing more. Once i was asked to join a baby sitting group, by a neighbour. I asked if we'd all take turns babysitting. The organiser said, "no I couldn't actually babysit myself, but i really do need it!" Nope! Great update op, love it! 😂

Edited

Hahaha that is one barefaced CF, the cheek and entitlement of some people! I bet people like that get ahead in life though

DeireadhFomhair · 11/11/2023 15:34

Loved your response (both of them!) @SwimmingProblems, and nice to see a thread not dragged out for days without a resolution too 😀
Oh to be in the room when the WhatsApper realised you'd seen her bitchy (& totally wrong!) comment 🤣 😂

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 11/11/2023 15:46

You handled it perfectly OP. You're not being selfish at all. I don't like being tied into regular lifts either and have the same approach as you... happy to help in an emergency but that's all.

Babysitting circles are always hilarious... as a single mum I declined to join one as I'd never be able to return the favour. But, but, but... the organiser stuttered... when your child goes to their dads you can babysit then! I kindly pointed out that as my child only goes to their dads once in a blue moon that would be the night that I would be going out. Nope. Organiser wouldn't have it! Apparently I was miserable and unhelpful for not joining 🤣

YouCanExfilNow · 11/11/2023 15:52

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

FoodieToo · 11/11/2023 16:03

I totally get why you would never share lifts but the group is FOR lift sharing ?
If kit is passed on through the group then that's a side issue.

Why be in a group when you don't want to be part of its purpose ?
I would definitely leave . People were probably just wondering why you stayed on the group.

EvilElsa · 11/11/2023 16:11

I love the not sneaky at all message delete after everyone, including the person the bitchy post was about, has read it. Bonkers.
Great response OP. I bet the message poster is absolutely cringing.

Rogue1001MNer · 11/11/2023 16:42

Brilliant update.

Thank you

Nanny0gg · 11/11/2023 16:51

SwimmingProblems · 11/11/2023 09:27

I do give lifts, in an emergency, and have collected swimmers and taken them home.

I'm not willing to become part of a carpool, or I take this, you next sort of arrangement.

Say you can't commit to lifts as you often go somewhere else on the way home?

Just to stop the bitching

Nanny0gg · 11/11/2023 16:55

redskyanight · 11/11/2023 12:21

Just to offer a different perspective on this.

When my DC were younger, I tried to set up a babysitting circle but it basically came to nothing because most of the parents I spoke to said they didn't need a baby sitting circle as they had plenty of extended family to babysit when required.

What I wanted was some people who would say "well, actually, I'm ok for babysitters but I can see there are benefits in having this circle in terms of forming friendships and having extra people to support me, and I want to help out those people who don't have extended family." But no one did.

I think OP's swimming dilemma could be similar - there needs to be a certain number of parents available to do the driving to make the group as a whole function well. OP has opted out of it because she's personally fine and doesn't need the lift share. But there's a wider picture.

Why?

You sign your child up for an activity it's down to you to make sure they get there and home again.

You can't do that then they can't go.

I don't think it's the same as the babysitting scenario. I wouldn't sign up for that at all unless I'd want a babysitter and then would be willing to reciprocate. I'd never do it to make friends

CurlewKate · 11/11/2023 17:29

@Nanny0gg "You can't do that then they can't go."

I honestly don't understand why you would ever go to any event with an empty seat in the car. Obviously, if for whatever reason you can't go one week, then you can just say so. Otherwise, you're going. There's a seat. Fill it.

FindingMeno · 11/11/2023 17:32

EnterFunnyNameHere · 11/11/2023 10:32

Please "thumbs up" the comment but don't actually write a reply. That will proper shit them up 😁

Love this!!
And obviously stay in the group!

Stomacharmeleon · 11/11/2023 17:35

@SwimmingProblems I love your reply...I bet there is some squirming now :)

Can I just say (and this is no way meant to make you feel bad) I do appreciate the parents who give/ gave lifts as without them I would never have been able to do most the clubs I did as a child as neither of my parents drove. I cringe thinking about my rusty orange bike that belonged to my mum that took me to brownies etc. I had to give up my Saturday morning swimming as I went up a group and the bus didn't start until seven. Thank you Nr Norris for taking me before.

It was the early eighties mind you!

coldcallerbaiter · 11/11/2023 17:52

I might be wrong but maybe the OP wants to watch and go each time. She does not want her dc going if she is not, this is not unreasonable.

Bunnyhair · 11/11/2023 18:17

What I mainly take from this thread is that I would like to hire @Hermanfromguesswho as my personal representative who can handle difficult people and situations for me with clarity and grace.

scrunchie2 · 11/11/2023 18:26

Should have left it with the first one for a bit longer first 😅 the posters would have been dying of embarrassment

GetBackIntoBed · 11/11/2023 18:53

Brilliant response @SwimmingProblems ! I can just imagine the other person's shock when they realised you were on the chat 😂why bother to delete a message you know everyone has already seen?!

Better to own it and say "oops! Me and my big mouth " or something

scrunchie2 · 11/11/2023 18:57

Did you screenshot it OP? The child in me would be reposting it and saying "just for anyone who missed the earlier interaction" 😅

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 11/11/2023 18:59

Dacadactyl · 11/11/2023 09:33

Not in and of itself, but if you're driving past 2 kids houses on your way home, then it is a bit. However, I appreciate that being held up waiting for other people's kids is a PITA.

Show quote history

Why should she drop them off because they’re on the way? That makes the assumption that the person who lives the furthest always does the driving.

I organise activities for my children based on whether or not DH or I can get our DDs there. We could organise a lift share for a couple but we don’t because we like the flexibility of making last minute decisions and not feeling like we’re letting someone down.

DungareesAndTrombones · 11/11/2023 19:02

Ohhhhhhhhh OP bet she is cringing like fuck, I love it! ❤️

BestZebbie · 11/11/2023 19:09

In this case, I don't think you are selfish to just not participate in the arrangement - are the people complaining assuming you get there every week via a lift but never offer one back?

I do think there can be situations where opting out of a rota-ed 'driver' role can be selfish, though - that would be situations like sports clubs or playgroups where each week one person has to bring kit in their car and take it away again afterwards. At the very least, the driver has to load and unload the kit they carry at the far end, and they may also need to process it in some way - so if the same four people do it every week while another ten just sort themselves out and drive off at the end, that is unfair.

StopLickingTheDog · 11/11/2023 19:16

I bet she's cringed herself inside out 🤣

paintingvenice · 11/11/2023 19:20

I think it’s pretty poor for those that you have helped out when they are in need to keep quiet.

ellieboo9 · 11/11/2023 19:23

Jifmicroliquid · 11/11/2023 09:19

I’d reply “I know, she’s awful isn’t she?” and wait to see what happens!

Superb response!

Jifmicroliquid · 11/11/2023 19:38

Great response OP. I hope there are some suitably embarrassed people in that group now!

sollenwir · 11/11/2023 19:48

CurlewKate · 11/11/2023 17:29

@Nanny0gg "You can't do that then they can't go."

I honestly don't understand why you would ever go to any event with an empty seat in the car. Obviously, if for whatever reason you can't go one week, then you can just say so. Otherwise, you're going. There's a seat. Fill it.

We often had empty seats and preferred it that way - DS and I chatted to each other on the journey, plus we could leave home/the pool when we were ready and not have to wait for others, take detours if we felt like it, not have to be responsible for other people's kids etc.

We didn't leave people stuck if they really needed a lift in our direction, and helped out on ocassions, but it was easier not to do regular sharing.

I didn't ever ask others for help, and DS only got a lift once from someone, it wasn't 100% necessary but they offered and it made life slightly easier on that one out of the ordinary ocassion.