Am I selfish if I don't give but don't take?

[SwimmingProblems]

This is part of an ongoing issue with lifts to swimming in which I don't offer lifts but equally have never accepted one. (I have given lifts in emergencies and am happy to do so)

Anyway I'm on a WA group for lift sharing, I was added year ago but remained as it also shares other details (secondhand kit etc) also I've helped out people when they had an emergency (by private message)

People obviously do not think I'm on the group as this morning a message from a parent says

'Why is SwimmingProblems so selfish, she never does her share of the driving'

And a few others have added to agree that I should be sharing the driving.

I can't decide to reply or just leave the group.

Me too. I'd ignore the messages.

I'd just reply "I do my fair share, I take my child every week and haven't expected anyone else to take them." How awkward they must know your in there.

No not selfish. Would be selfish to take lifts and not do a share of transport in return but you don't do this.

I'm also not a fan of carpooling arrangements for these sorts of things (where it's regular) as I like time alone with my kids, don't like being responsible for other people's kids on a regular basis and don't want other people responsible for mine/ resenting that they do it etc.

We don’t lift share for swimming either. Lots of reasons but like you I enjoy the time with DD in the car on the way there and back. Others change the dynamic. At competitions we can sometimes leave early if she’s done and we have flexibility. I will always help someone out in an emergency but it works better for us not to be in a car share chain.

Clearly leave the group as you've stated yourself that you don't do lifts.

You should send the wave emoji - I wish I could be brave enough to do this - maybe you are! Just a little wave to say "hi, I'm here remember"
You are def not being unreasonable OP.

Op you sound very wise.. I reckon a bit of the Green Eyed Monster is on that chat. Stay away from lift sharing. Brings nowt but trouble imo.

These are all the reasons I would never get involved in a regular carpool

I think your attitude is absolutely fine. Laudable really. I’m like this with a lot of stuff, and wish I could extend it out to stuff like gift buying as well.

Please "thumbs up" the comment but don't actually write a reply. That will proper shit them up 😁

Just say this when they ask directly

Just because I always want to read an update. I sent

'“I know, she’s awful isn’t she?” followed by a 🤣🤣 and then quickly followed up with the above almost to the word.

The original message was swiftly deleted but one of the others did respond with an 😳.

Thanks for replying, I feel it has had a better outcome as I probably would have just left but this way I have acknowledged my position (and I'm still happy to help occasionally)

That’s a good response.

Oops should have scrolled to the end. Hope it resolves, you’ve not been selfish.

Just to offer a different perspective on this.

When my DC were younger, I tried to set up a babysitting circle but it basically came to nothing because most of the parents I spoke to said they didn't need a baby sitting circle as they had plenty of extended family to babysit when required.

What I wanted was some people who would say "well, actually, I'm ok for babysitters but I can see there are benefits in having this circle in terms of forming friendships and having extra people to support me, and I want to help out those people who don't have extended family." But no one did.

I think OP's swimming dilemma could be similar - there needs to be a certain number of parents available to do the driving to make the group as a whole function well. OP has opted out of it because she's personally fine and doesn't need the lift share. But there's a wider picture.

Well done @SwimmingProblems, handled beautifully.

Good for you. Someone has obviously worked out it would be oh so convenient for you to take their Jemima and forgot about the other side of the lift share arrangement.

Hope CF has the grace to feel embarrassed.

That was a perfect response - well done! It has addressed the message but done so with humour and no friends lost along the way.

(Loving the timely update too!!)

When DS swam and trained a lot I had a similar approach, in that I'd never leave folk absolutely stuck (and on several ocassions I picked up/dropped off other swimmers - in most cases both the swimmers and parents were very grateful), but chose not to get involved in the regular car pool scenario/politics.

You handled it very well, I'd like to think I'd have taken a similar approach had the issue arose.

It's so delightfully craven to have deleted the original message after everyone must have seen it. Well done, OP!

I wouldn’t think you were selfish, just less communal minded. There’s nothing wrong with that because you’re not obligated to do it and by refusing you’re not making their lives more difficult so their comments are a bit mean.

Diplomatic, factual and mature

Perfect reply glad you used the one from @Hermanfromguesswho . Hopefully everyone actually saw the original message before it got deleted!

I've always done the same as you, take my own children to things and never car pooled. Because someone always takes liberties. I have helped out in emergencies, but nothing more. Once i was asked to join a baby sitting group, by a neighbour. I asked if we'd all take turns babysitting. The organiser said, "no I couldn't actually babysit myself, but i really do need it!" Nope! Great update op, love it! 😂