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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not buy much for adult step daughter for Xmas?

140 replies

Fixesplease · 11/11/2023 08:06

I've been in her life for years, we get on well and I get on with her mum ( before anyone asks!)

She's 21 this year, moved out and independent since 18. Working full time, lives with boyfriend and does all the things she should be doing at 21.plen5y of cash floating about in their house ( probably more than ours!)

She flounced from her mums house at 18, was given the option to live with us and her sibling, but wanted to live with the boyfriend.
All fine she's an adult.

However, over the last 18 months there has been no acknowledgement at all about any of our birthdays/ Christmas , not so much as a text.

I tend to do the Xmas shopping and organising so put a lot of thought into both kids gifts etc.
After ignoring everyone else's milestones this year she's just sent me her ' wish list' for this year.. Its amounting to several hundred pounds ( and she's made a separate one for her boyfriend, whom we have yet to meet).
If I'm honest I'm very tempted to say no and get her a token gift for 'them' but then I feel bad as her sibling is younger and is still at the age of wanting actual toys.

So.. what do I do?
She has made zero effort over the last year to see or acknowledge anyone, despite much encouragement and shifting arrangements to meet for dinner etc ( us paying) she never acknowledged that she got gifts and cash last year never mind a thank you text.
But I've just got this list....

Help!

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 11/11/2023 08:07

I’d let her dad sort her out.

iLovee · 11/11/2023 08:08

Let her dad decide!

AuntieSoap · 11/11/2023 08:09

Can't you (or, preferably, her dad) just get one thing off the list?

GreyhpundGirl · 11/11/2023 08:09

An adult giving you a wish list? Even if she'd made an effort, this is a big no no. What does your husband say?

Yummymummy2020 · 11/11/2023 08:09

I think it’s perfectly fine to not buy a huge list🤷🏼‍♀️ It’s a bit cheeky at her age presenting you with one anyway!

Merrymouse · 11/11/2023 08:10

Shouldn’t this be her father’s responsibility?

Greenpolkadot · 11/11/2023 08:11

I'd ignore the bf's list, cheeky mare. Youv never met him. Send him a box of Celebrations if you feel the need to give him something.
And for her, one gift from the list,

ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 11/11/2023 08:11

DustyLee123 · 11/11/2023 08:07

I’d let her dad sort her out.

^ This. If she can't be arsed to acknowledge your birthday's etc then I wouldn't be making any effort.

Original poster
Fixesplease · 11/11/2023 08:11

Dad is waffling.. he'd just buy her list and be done with where as I have always put thought into her gifts.
If I hand it over to dad she'll know I've done so and wonder why.

That then opens a conversation I'm not sure she'll take well.
The cheapest thing on her list this year is £170!

OP posts:
MyopicBunny · 11/11/2023 08:12

I agree with those who say this should be for her dad to sort out. But I think it's bad manners to send lists of highly expensive gifts to anyone, especially when you're an adult now. It's like a wedding list. Incredibly crass.

Mrsjayy · 11/11/2023 08:12

DustyLee123 · 11/11/2023 08:07

I’d let her dad sort her out.

actually this, cheeky moo that she Is I'd not worry pass on the list to her dad.

PussInBin20 · 11/11/2023 08:13

I’d do the same to her and just not acknowledge it.

cecil2090 · 11/11/2023 08:13

I'm in a similar position to you OP. DSD is 18 and seems to be going through a very entitled phase and isn't actually that pleasant to be around at the minute! Never acknowledges us or our birthdays, hasn't seen her younger siblings in months.

Me and DH were thinking to get her a few little bits and put the money away that we would've spent on her then when she's (hopefully) grown up a bit, give her the money for something she needs.
It's hard as we don't want to leave her out and not get her anything but don't want her to think that the way she's acting is ok and still gets ££ worth of gifts. Not sure if this is an idea that would work for you? Have you spoken to her mum about it to see if she feels the same?
I definitely wouldn't be buying her boyfriend anything if you haven't met him. Like you say just a token gift for both of them would be more than enough IMO xx

Merrymouse · 11/11/2023 08:13

Perhaps her behaviour is a response to her father’s delegation of parenting responsibilities to her step mother?

GreyhpundGirl · 11/11/2023 08:14

Fixesplease · 11/11/2023 08:11

Dad is waffling.. he'd just buy her list and be done with where as I have always put thought into her gifts.
If I hand it over to dad she'll know I've done so and wonder why.

That then opens a conversation I'm not sure she'll take well.
The cheapest thing on her list this year is £170!

£170?!? Just tell her no, you don't buy presents from a wish list, least of all for an adult. If she wants to be treated like one, she needs to behave like one.

LoneFemaleTraveller · 11/11/2023 08:16

Leave it all to her dad. Dont give it another thought.

Original poster
Fixesplease · 11/11/2023 08:16

Dad is and has always been very hands on.. but I tend to be the one who puts thought into Xmas.
I had a chat with her mum last night and apparently she's dealing with the same thing. Entitled attitude , no effort to see/ acknowledge her either so its not just us!

Do they grow out of this?
I'm pretty sure I'd be given a short sharp shock if I tried this with my folks at 21!

OP posts:
LoneFemaleTraveller · 11/11/2023 08:16

Merrymouse · 11/11/2023 08:13

Perhaps her behaviour is a response to her father’s delegation of parenting responsibilities to her step mother?

Quite.

Mrsjayy · 11/11/2023 08:16

Fixesplease · 11/11/2023 08:11

Dad is waffling.. he'd just buy her list and be done with where as I have always put thought into her gifts.
If I hand it over to dad she'll know I've done so and wonder why.

That then opens a conversation I'm not sure she'll take well.
The cheapest thing on her list this year is £170!

why Can't you and her dad have that conversation? she hasn't acknowledged birthdays etc all year she's an adult most adults send birthday cards to family, if he wants to buy her the list that's up to him, but I don't know why you can't talk to him about it.

Mazuslongtoenail · 11/11/2023 08:16

Fixesplease · 11/11/2023 08:11

Dad is waffling.. he'd just buy her list and be done with where as I have always put thought into her gifts.
If I hand it over to dad she'll know I've done so and wonder why.

That then opens a conversation I'm not sure she'll take well.
The cheapest thing on her list this year is £170!

I don’t quite understand. She sends a list but then you get her something else instead? So why does she send the list?

And if her Dad using the list opens a conversation that sounds like a good thing - chance to explain you’re disappointed at the lack of effort for everyone else’s events.

ohdamnitjanet · 11/11/2023 08:16

Wouldn’t buy her a thing, even if I really liked her. I would, however, send her your own wish list with equally expensive items on it for all the family.

Merrymouse · 11/11/2023 08:17

She lives with her boyfriend but you haven’t met him yet? Has her father met him?

Crumpetdisappointment · 11/11/2023 08:20

my own dd became quite self centered at that age.
can you extend the olive branch?
no need to buy something from an expensive list though

BorisIsACuntWaffle · 11/11/2023 08:21

You and her dad need to speak to her.
now you are a working adult it's usual to buy gifts and or cards for family members. It's too much to expect huge expensive gifts, especially when there has been no acknowledgement of anyone else's events by you
It comes across as cheeky and rude

Gillypie23 · 11/11/2023 08:22

Tell her no she's not having them. Get them a joint gift.

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