To not buy much for adult step daughter for Xmas?

[Fixesplease]

I've been in her life for years, we get on well and I get on with her mum ( before anyone asks!)

She's 21 this year, moved out and independent since 18. Working full time, lives with boyfriend and does all the things she should be doing at 21.plen5y of cash floating about in their house ( probably more than ours!)

She flounced from her mums house at 18, was given the option to live with us and her sibling, but wanted to live with the boyfriend.
All fine she's an adult.

However, over the last 18 months there has been no acknowledgement at all about any of our birthdays/ Christmas , not so much as a text.

I tend to do the Xmas shopping and organising so put a lot of thought into both kids gifts etc.
After ignoring everyone else's milestones this year she's just sent me her ' wish list' for this year.. Its amounting to several hundred pounds ( and she's made a separate one for her boyfriend, whom we have yet to meet).
If I'm honest I'm very tempted to say no and get her a token gift for 'them' but then I feel bad as her sibling is younger and is still at the age of wanting actual toys.

So.. what do I do?
She has made zero effort over the last year to see or acknowledge anyone, despite much encouragement and shifting arrangements to meet for dinner etc ( us paying) she never acknowledged that she got gifts and cash last year never mind a thank you text.
But I've just got this list....

Help!

She doesn't sound like an adult, more like a self absorbed spoilt teenager. If anything then a very small token gift like chocs. Ignore the list and do her a favour by not pandering to this unpleasant sounding person.

Don't make the Christmas list about her contact over the last year. That will set you all up for a transactional relationship going forward. What it says if you visit then you get expensive presents.
Instead help her but educating her aunt's adulting. Adults don't send unasked for ridiculously expensive lists. If someone asks for suggestions they may send some, and they'd think about the other person's financial status and previous gift giving and tailor the list/costs appropriately. Someone (both parents) need to tell her this.
Someone also might want to open a conversation about missing seeing her? And ask what she might want from an adult parent child relationship going forward and/or her sibling.
With regards to what to buy her. Buy her something you think she might like that you can afford...

"Thank you for the wish list. Here are ours."

Seriously, that. It's simple, with no emotion or criticism involved.

Or if you want to be more conversational :

"thanks for the wish list, I've passed it on to dad as he's doing the shopping this year. If you're wondering what to get us, I have some ideas that are easy to post. Dad would actually love a book token, and (step sibling) would be ecstatic with a token or money to spend at Smyths..." etc

Oops
Instead help her but educating her aunt's adulting.
Should be help her by educating her about how to adult.

Message her and ask if she would like a list of ideas for her dad and mum/siblings as you've thought of a few if it's helpful.

Whenever I'm wondering how/why some people can behave so thoughtlessly, I read a thread like this and understand.
If people constantly make excuses for others' bad behaviour and don't call them out on it (there are ways to do this kindly, calmly and assertively), then of course they're going to continue. Handing this one back to her father isn't going to solve the issue as he and his ex are actually the ones who have enabled her attitude in the first place. Yes, many teens can behave thoughtlessly and selfishly but it's our job to lead them through it from the first day it rears its head. No way should this have been allowed to escalate like this.
And the poor OP has been landed with it (the product of other people's bad parenting).

Does she want to/has she ever come to yours for Christmas? Might be another way of opening a conversation.

I'd be jumping on the good relationship with mum and decide together what you all do as a united front type thing

Just reply as a working adult we don't do huge lists, we'll do the usual of token gifts up to £x.

And I'd buy socks for the bf

Expensive presents can be sold for cash for drugs op

So you (collective you, not you) have always bought everything on her list and more and yet this year you are wondering why you have a selfish, spoilt brat on your hands.

No adult should be sending Christmas lists to another adult. Her parent need to have a word with her about this, no matter how uncomfortable it is.

Reply to say, ok sent on to dad , do you need ideas for him/siblings ? Or have you already bought stuff?

Cheapest thing £170, just wow. I'd suggest to her Dad he buys her gift voucher for Amazon. Is she planning on coming over to see her Dad or sibling? Will she bring them gifts? Perhaps you should all send her your wish list to show her how rude she is. She needs to learn ignoring her sibling and Dad's birthdays have consequences. As for the wish list for her boyfriend I'd send it back with the message 'You must have sent me this by accident, I've never even met this person'.

I wouldn’t be sending expensive gifts to someone who cant be bothered to see me for 18 months. I’d just tell her to send another list with less expensive items on because you’re cutting back this year.

Specify a budget too eg we are spending x amount per adult this year.

🤣🤣🤣 brilliant.

Update. Mums just rung me, ( as I said we all have a great relationship, I've been in her daughters life for 15 years) She also treats my child well , we've never really done ' step' our houses ,just brother and sister.

Anyway after we got off the phone last night she rung daughter as she also recieved a list she was not impressed and addressed her child like only a mother can, it was not well recieved by daughter.

Mum wants to meet up to make sure we are all on the same page regarding her behaviour lately so we are doing that next week before trying to meet with daughter before Christmas. (If she doesn't flake.)
She insisted I was there too as " you are her second mum" and your opinion is important.
These are times when I am so very glad that we all get on well!

I'm going to go with the suggestion of secret santa going forward and see what she says. She seemed to think that may be the way forward and that daughter needs to start treating her family the way she would like to be treated.

Someone asked if she is ever at ours for Christmas, ever since her sibling was born we all have Christmas together, initially because we thought it would be nice for the kids, now we enjoy each others company.
Daughter has refused since boyfriend has been on the scene to spent it with us, her perogative as an adult.

Honestly I'm jealous she is able to even think up wish list. I'm so sick of being asked what I want for Christmas, I genuinely have no idea

Honestly I'd be tempted to reply "oh, I got the message you were didn't want to do Christmas/birthdays with us any more given we didn't hear from you last Christmas or on our birthdays"

If you have concerns about things being sold on, but would still like to give her/them something, you could try some of the subscription gifts. A book a month, a pack of undies a month, a small hamper of nice food a month. That kind of thing. Nothing there easily turned into cash, but takes thought and time to arrange, so may get you over feeling bad about ignoring the mad bonkers list!

I set a budget for my 3 adult DC and ask them to choose a main gift. All the better if they send me a link. Then I make them their stockings which are similar every year of things I know they like eg a large bar of Toblerone, socks, air fresheners for cars etc. They would never just assume to send a wishlist or link unless I ask for one. Your DSD is rude. Her Dad needs to have a conversation with her now she has passed 21, as an adult DC this is what her budget will be for Xmas going forward.

Honestly, I'd just pull her up on it (with agreement of her Mum and Dad and as a united front). Acknowledge the list but point out that nobody is especially inclined to splash out on her at the moment given that she's not made an effort for anyone else over the past year, and didn't show gratitude for last Christmas.

She's an adult making her own way now, so the balance has changed. Yes as her parents you probably always will spend more on her than she on you, but it should be more even exchange now she's working and earning.

If everyone treads on eggshells around the issue how will she learn? It doesn't sound like she's overflowing with self awareness.

I think it's great that you're going to have a chat with the mum but why haven't you just messaged her and said all the things on the list are a bit too expensive, sorry?
How much do you usually spend on her at Christmas? And do you think the dubious boyfriend is behind it?

I would tamper with the list then give it to dh... Seeing her unwrap a load of household items from Home Bargains would fill me with Christmas cheer.

It's really heart warming to see you have such a good relationship with your DH exw. Lovely for DC you all spend Xmas together. A pity DSD does not want to attend but I'd invite her and bf anyway. Could setting a personal budget on gift giving help? I tell my adult DC their budget and they think what they'd like. They choose if they'd prefer 1 big gift or a few smaller gifts. I still make them stockings too.