To not buy much for adult step daughter for Xmas?

[Fixesplease]

I've been in her life for years, we get on well and I get on with her mum ( before anyone asks!)

She's 21 this year, moved out and independent since 18. Working full time, lives with boyfriend and does all the things she should be doing at 21.plen5y of cash floating about in their house ( probably more than ours!)

She flounced from her mums house at 18, was given the option to live with us and her sibling, but wanted to live with the boyfriend.
All fine she's an adult.

However, over the last 18 months there has been no acknowledgement at all about any of our birthdays/ Christmas , not so much as a text.

I tend to do the Xmas shopping and organising so put a lot of thought into both kids gifts etc.
After ignoring everyone else's milestones this year she's just sent me her ' wish list' for this year.. Its amounting to several hundred pounds ( and she's made a separate one for her boyfriend, whom we have yet to meet).
If I'm honest I'm very tempted to say no and get her a token gift for 'them' but then I feel bad as her sibling is younger and is still at the age of wanting actual toys.

So.. what do I do?
She has made zero effort over the last year to see or acknowledge anyone, despite much encouragement and shifting arrangements to meet for dinner etc ( us paying) she never acknowledged that she got gifts and cash last year never mind a thank you text.
But I've just got this list....

Help!

And make sure The List comes from dh's personal spends..

how will she receive her present?
can you say you are coming round?

Send her a list of your own 😂

Trouble is it sounds like everyone is pandering to her. Its great you have a good relationship with her mum but I don't understand why no one has just responded to say unfortunately the gift list items are above our budget to spend on adults for Christmas but shall we agree a limit on how much we spend on each other going forward? Or you could be more direct and like a pp suggested just say you thought you weren't doing adult xmas/birthdays any more as she hadn't.

My DC are teens living at home and they still try to find ways to buy us gifts at Xmas without being asked.

In that case, her Mum really ought to be having a conversation with her about this.

My view (I still give a money gift to my 2 nieces for birthday and Xmas) is that once they are out of full-time education and in jobs, they are proper adults and join with the family gift conventions. That means reciprocating if gifts are given to adults, and at the same sort of 'level' (token if that's the convention).

Giving a list at any age would shut my wallet down completely. The boyfriend would get the token gift of chocolate but only if I'd MET him.

Definitely learnt over the years to let mum and dad do the disapproval thing, she has on occasion tried arguing that certain things have been " All my fault" so I default any parenting to her actual parents.
Mum and Dad are perfectly happy with this, I'd rather not rock the boat on that after 15 years!

Haha yes, send her your own wishlist of similarly expensive items, and then a list of suggestions for her Dad too.

I can't believe an adult is presenting a wish list where the cheapest thing is £170! Unbelievably cheeky.

Possible that the dubious boyfriend is behind it, he has been known to send messages on her behalf, we have raised our concerns about this individually with her but has had her doubling down and we do not want a situation where she feels she HAS to stay with him when/ if she comes to her senses!

Just reply I thought you had stopped doing birthdays and Christmas?

Good on her mum to say what she did to her DD. Even if there was a great relationship and no dubious boyfriend, the idea of presents the cheapest of which is £170 should be a no-no.

Send her a list of expensive items for your wish list! What a cheeky mare. Even if she acknowledged milestones it’s so crass to send lists (especially expensive ones!) unless you requested she did. She’s supposed to be an independent adult not a child thinking Santa still exists.

No need to tiptoe round this. Send her a laughing emoji and a comment that you haven’t won the lottery and behave!

Always the excusers! It sounds more likely that she's a greedy ungrateful person. I wouldn't pass her demand list to her father, fathers tend to take the line of least resistance, he'd probably buy the lot! Send her some token gift, a box of chocolates, if she kicks off then tell her why.

Short, sharp shock time.

If she wants to be a grown up, she needs to take on the full mantle of it. No £170 presents (which is just one of a list!), and certainly NONE for the BF you've never met!

An idea my mum uses for family members just venturing out for the first time on their own, is to make them up a hamper. Some useful things for the house, like decent knives, some nice bedding etc, and some nice foody bits.

This

If mum has told her to get real (by the sounds of it), you need to ensure that message has got through to her dad too. I like the fake confused ‘thought we weren’t doing presents this year as you haven’t acknowledged birthdays etc’. Nice.

OP you sound like you're a really lovely step mum.

Mum is ringing dad this afternoon to make sure they both agree. They do co parent really well and are both lovely people, just got together and had a baby young but not great for each other but they do do their best for their child.
Not entirely sure why daughter is acting as she is at., she never used to it's a recentish thing, not blaming the boyfriend but thats when this entitled palava started.

They are usually good at a united front, and he's not a Disney dad , but they have both spoilt her a bit I think.

It's probably me feeling guilty because I've always done ' special stuff' just for her but I'm seriously annoyed this year due to her bbehaviour to the rest of us!

Send her yours! Make sure it’s longer than hers.

Just thinking OP...What will she be getting you for christmas? Does she give gifts to your other children.?
Its ok saying let her dad sort it out,, He probably will get everything on her list and then she's got her own way.

Hmmm. I would be very, very worried about the relationship with the boyfriend. How old is he? She was 18 when she moved in with him; is he the same age?

Arrangements to meet constantly cancelled at the last minute. Asking for cash for rent and then still not paying the rent. Recreational drug use. Dropped out of university. Asking for a long list of expensive items for both of them when you don’t even know him. Boyfriend sending messages from her phone.

I don’t think I’d be focusing on the Christmas presents right now. I’d be a lot more worried about her being in an abusive relationship. Because I’m pretty sure that is what this is.

The dubious boyfriend is sounding increasingly worrying. I agree you need to be careful to make sure that you don’t alienate her with boundaries, but also she needs some boundaries!

Im so impressed with your relationship with the mum and how you are all so adult about things.

Send her a wish list from individual family members amounting to several hundred pounds........ The cheeky, grasping mare..

We've tried. We really have, she moved in with him just before her 19th birthday, he is the same age but had been living on his own a few years before.
First serious boyfriend for her, she's dove in head first.
Dad and mum have both have spent time with him, neither happy. However, when they raised their concerns with her regarding boyfriends behaviour ( that was seriously hard work, to get her to see them on her own) she doubled down and would not hear a word against him or his concerning behaviour.
She actually decided she wasn't speaking or seeing either of them until the apologised and promised not to bring it up again.
They haven't, and I can completely understand why.
I spoke to her the last time I saw her and said nothing about the boyfriend, just I loved her as did her sibling and if she ever wanted to talk she could come to me anytime.

Not sure what else can be done without pushing her away.

When close relations didn't acknowledge our birthdays, including two significant ones, or Christmases we just sent cards. Any adult sending an unsolicited Christmas wishlist should be laughed at.