To not buy much for adult step daughter for Xmas?

[Fixesplease]

I've been in her life for years, we get on well and I get on with her mum ( before anyone asks!)

She's 21 this year, moved out and independent since 18. Working full time, lives with boyfriend and does all the things she should be doing at 21.plen5y of cash floating about in their house ( probably more than ours!)

She flounced from her mums house at 18, was given the option to live with us and her sibling, but wanted to live with the boyfriend.
All fine she's an adult.

However, over the last 18 months there has been no acknowledgement at all about any of our birthdays/ Christmas , not so much as a text.

I tend to do the Xmas shopping and organising so put a lot of thought into both kids gifts etc.
After ignoring everyone else's milestones this year she's just sent me her ' wish list' for this year.. Its amounting to several hundred pounds ( and she's made a separate one for her boyfriend, whom we have yet to meet).
If I'm honest I'm very tempted to say no and get her a token gift for 'them' but then I feel bad as her sibling is younger and is still at the age of wanting actual toys.

So.. what do I do?
She has made zero effort over the last year to see or acknowledge anyone, despite much encouragement and shifting arrangements to meet for dinner etc ( us paying) she never acknowledged that she got gifts and cash last year never mind a thank you text.
But I've just got this list....

Help!

I’d be very tempted to tell her to send her list to Santa as a previous post suggested. But I would actually 1) have a conversation with DH about what your budget is for her as an independent adult 2) if an item on her list is in budget get that, if they are all too expensive tell her what the budget is an ask for cheaper suggestions. 3) send her wish lists for the rest of the family 4) buy a token gift for the boyfriend
Sit back and see what happens.
She hasn’t made a transition to an adult relationship with you which is making her appear graceless and grabby. The boundaries need to be renegotiated.

The only time It is acceptable to send a wishlist is when someone has asked for one. If you or DP are stumped on what to get her, set a limit (say £100) and tell her that's your budget and ask her to pick something you can afford. You say it's a list and the cheapest thing is £170. If it's got even just three items on it that comes to more than £510. That is utterly ridiculous.

Do not just pander to this OP. She needs a wake up call about reciprocity, 2-way streets, not being a selfish self-centred horror. I would only be buying anything from the list after sending her your family's lists. Hopefully she will get the message.

I've forwarded the message to dad this morning.
It's up to him what he wants to organise for her.
I'm hurt, she's an adult and I have always treated her well, but I think we've hit the stage where as my ' extras' should stop.
I'm actually thinking a conversation after Xmas ( there's no way she won't raise it before then!) And then resetting some expectations could work.

Secret santa is actually a great idea.

Thank you for the replies. ( being a step mum is tough!) I'd handle my own child completely differently.

Great communication, well done.

Now agree together how to deal with this. Nothing to do with being part of a split family, just ‘now that you are an adult, with your own place, this….is what happens, now at Christmas’ - an agreed message from both of her parents.

At this point, she can't play each parent off against the other, she is guided to understand that now she is an adult, this is how it is going to be, she is reminded about her manners in dealing with others and her expectations are changed now before they are embedded year on year.

I don't actually think there's anything wrong with Christmas wish lists for adults despite some people utterly aghast at the idea on this thread, but I've got a huge family so if people didn't give me lists I'd go insane.

However, expectation of the full list being purchased when she's got you nothing last year (presumably? As you say 18 months) And no acknowledgement of what she got last year is insanely cheeky no matter how good your relationship is.

I personally would decide on a budget with husband, pick a few things off the list within that and leave it at that. The boyfriend would be getting sweet dusty fuck all though, cheeky sod.

I would tell her that for this Christmas you are giving one gift to each adult and toys for her younger sibling. Does she have a perfume or similar that she would like?.If she complains then at least it isn't happening on Christmas Day. At 21 with rent and food to pay I cannot imagine she has a lot of money - you give the impression she has more than you..The whole story has a long way to go yet if the house/boyfriend doesn't work out so better that you start talking to her about being an adult now, rather than her expecting to be 'showered' with gifts from Mum, Dad, Step'-Mum.

How much contact have you had with her recently?

I think this does need nipping in the bud now. You could have a conversation about this and just say that as she hasn't been involving herself with family occasions that much you've scaled things back this year as it has got excessive etc. Tell her it'll save her money as well.

I'm not against adults making lists really, but she doesn't get to disengage for everything else then poke her entitled head up when the presents are dished out and expect that nothing's changed.

handing it over to her dad is probably best .

She’s acting like an adult in all other capacity so why wouldn’t you talk to her like an adult and tell her you’re surprised and a bit confused over this really expensive list of gifts considering she’s failed to acknowledge any birthdays this year and also, you’ve never met her boyfriend etc.

if her dad just gives in for an easy life then that explains where the level of entitlement is coming from. You’re all doing her a disservice by not guiding her away from being a cheeky fucker

What an absolute cheek. I'd simply tell her she will be getting the same gifts for Christmas that you all received for your birthdays.

Wow. Rude much. Assume she wasn’t asked to provide a list. Can’t believe she did a list for a guy you’ve not met. Agree in leaving dad to sort it

Why not talk to her about the issue? Say I feel quite uncomfortable with you presenting us with this huge list when you've not even acknowledged any body else's birthdays over the last year. See what she says.

I'd still get her something but just what you can afford. Personally, I wouldn't play tit for tat. I buy gifts because of the pleasure of giving, I don't expect anything in return.

She's uses WhatsApp and usually messages me / us every few days with whatever random thing is going on in her life.
However, she's only seen her sibling / me in person once in 18mths as she continued to cancel arrangements at the last minute.( We were 2 hours into a 3 hrs drive last time and she was hungover apparently..)

They are actually earning well between them and live in a cheap area of the country, however.. I do believe recreational drugs are quite expensive.. a whole other thread !

Wow, sending a separate wish list for the boyfriend you’ve never met is a whole new level of entitlement! It’s for her dad to decide whether he buys her anything at all this year given how she acts, but I certainly would not be facilitating any expensive gift giving for the cheeky mare. Maybe a box of naice biscuits between the two of them and nothing else!

I would send her cash. That way you've given her something, you can say it's for both of them, and it sends a message that no effort will be given if she can't reciprocate.

I’d spend the same as the other kids are getting from you. Small gift for new boyfriend you haven’t met.

No way! IF, as some have wondered, there's a possibility that they are intending to use the Christmas gifts as funding for drugs, sending money is the LAST thing I'd do. Why make it easier for them?

box of Celebrations between the two of them.
One of those big tubs if you're feeling generous.

She's an adult as you say. She lives independently.

I'd tell her straight you didn't send anyone so much as a birthday card this year so you'll not be getting anything from your list and nothing at all from your boyfriend. I'd tell her she'll be treated the way she treats everyone else.

You live by the sword, you die by it.

Yeah, we sent her cash along with gifts last year. Not just a little cash either , as she said they were struggling to pay the rent. ( she wasn't working for a few months) she did not pay rhe rent, she asked her mum for the same amount so we aren't sure what actually happened there.
No one will be sending cash at the moment after that!

Can you introduce an adults secret Santa? Where each adult buys for one other adult with a budget of say £100? You can include her boyfriend if he wants to exchange gifts. We do this in my family as there are lots of adults and it's a way of making sure everyone gets a gift each. As nieces and nephews reach adulthood, we invite them to join and it's up to them if they do. If they don't, their gifts stop though as we only buy for children or those taking part in the secret Santa.

Me and my adult sister give a "list" to our parents and they usually write one too. Nothing amounting to hundreds of pounds and no expectation that you'll get it all, just to give people ideas of what to get. But obviously it's all reciprocated and no one takes the piss

her and the boyfriend sound like they have a "party" lifestyle and that will be contributing to her thoughtless its not an excuse though but .you are all letting her act like that do either someone says/does something or they don't. she isn't going to miraculously change .

We have a family WhatsApp, and one of my cousins had been mostly out of touch for a year or so (no acknowledgements of birthdays/Christmas, no cards or gifts).

He then sent his Christmas wishlist to the group chat and my aunt (not his mum, a different aunt) replied pretending to be confused, saying she’d thought he’d decided not to do gifts anymore as he hadn’t sent any of us cards or gifts in a year, and that she was fine with us not bothering to do gifts for grown ups/wider family if that’s what he wanted.

he ended up apologising to everybody - he’d gone through a bit of a depression and bad breakup and just hadn’t been thinking about everybody else.

i’ve always admired that fake confused message!