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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not buy much for adult step daughter for Xmas?

140 replies

Fixesplease · 11/11/2023 08:06

I've been in her life for years, we get on well and I get on with her mum ( before anyone asks!)

She's 21 this year, moved out and independent since 18. Working full time, lives with boyfriend and does all the things she should be doing at 21.plen5y of cash floating about in their house ( probably more than ours!)

She flounced from her mums house at 18, was given the option to live with us and her sibling, but wanted to live with the boyfriend.
All fine she's an adult.

However, over the last 18 months there has been no acknowledgement at all about any of our birthdays/ Christmas , not so much as a text.

I tend to do the Xmas shopping and organising so put a lot of thought into both kids gifts etc.
After ignoring everyone else's milestones this year she's just sent me her ' wish list' for this year.. Its amounting to several hundred pounds ( and she's made a separate one for her boyfriend, whom we have yet to meet).
If I'm honest I'm very tempted to say no and get her a token gift for 'them' but then I feel bad as her sibling is younger and is still at the age of wanting actual toys.

So.. what do I do?
She has made zero effort over the last year to see or acknowledge anyone, despite much encouragement and shifting arrangements to meet for dinner etc ( us paying) she never acknowledged that she got gifts and cash last year never mind a thank you text.
But I've just got this list....

Help!

OP posts:
Mrsjayy · 11/11/2023 08:23

I mean you can just buy her 1 thing from her list and leave it at that yanbu to do that.

FrenchandSaunders · 11/11/2023 08:24

I’d ignore the list and buy them a gift card for a local restaurant as a joint present.

Why haven’t you met the BF?

Original poster
Fixesplease · 11/11/2023 08:24

We've always done her list then I would do a few other bits with things that required more thought.. make up/ perfumes and such I knew she was after through the year etc)
So yes, I can hand it over to dad but she'll know I haven't done the ' extra' for her as I usually have.

Dad has met the boyfriend, they've had dinner etc together. Boyfriend is .. not a great choice ( no one have voiced this!) but I was 21 once and remember the bad boy allure!
They live 3 hours away near the uni she dropped out of because he was lonely when she went... thats a whole other thread!

OP posts:
Merrymouse · 11/11/2023 08:28

I think there might be a bigger problem than the Christmas list.

If I am understanding correctly you are saying that she has been living with her boyfriend since she was 18, but nobody in the family has met the boyfriend. She doesn’t take part in family occasions, but you sometimes meet her for dinner if you pay. She has now sent you a list of expensive presents, plus presents for the boyfriend.

are the items on the list things that could be sold?

Mrsjayy · 11/11/2023 08:29

so she's always got her Christmas list and the thoughtful bits you got her just cut down on the list but still give her some bits if that's what you want to do. I'm not really sure what you are asking do you not want to be the bad guy?

wesurecouldstandgladioli · 11/11/2023 08:33

YABU to skivvy for this entitled twat brat. Her parents have raised a monster.

I’d spend £50 max. And nothing for the boyfriend.

ScarlettSunset · 11/11/2023 08:34

I would probably buy her a gift, but it certainly wouldn't be from an expensive wishlist. That's fine if she made an effort and that's what you'd always agreed to, but that's clearly not the case.
And I wouldn't buy anything at all for someone I'd never met.
As others have said, this needs to be a conversation her dad has with her.

TolkiensFallow · 11/11/2023 08:36

I would buy her something but her dad does need to talk to her about her behaviour.

I wouldn’t buy anything from that list. I’d likely buy her fluffy slippers and a box of chocolates to share.

TolkiensFallow · 11/11/2023 08:38

Or, if I had the balls, I’d text back

“I can’t afford anything from that list. However I hear wish lists can be sent to the following address;

Father Christmas, North Pole”

TheCrystalPalace · 11/11/2023 08:40

Or,
"Thank you for the wish list. Here are ours."

Original poster
Fixesplease · 11/11/2023 08:40

I'll admit, that did cross my mind. She's slipped up a few times and told me about certain recreational activities he/ they take part in which I certainly wouldn't want to fund!
However, mum and dad have had the conversation with her and it resulted in her being incredibly defensive regarding the boyfriend so we are all on the same page with not wanting to alienate her!
I think we've all got our fingers crossed that she'll realise this is not the great relationship she thinks it is.. but she's an adult. There's only so much that can be done.

I love this young adult like my own, so of course I don't want to be the bad guy. We have always had a " aunt" kind of relationship. This is why our blending has worked.

I think the consensus is to hand this over to dad this year and let him deal with it.

OP posts:
Woman2023 · 11/11/2023 08:40

I don't buy Christmas presents based on how well my children remembered birthdays during the year. As adults they do get a bit less than previously, partly as I have less money to spare.

Surely her dad should be the primary person to decide on her present. Even if my kids were being a bit selfish I wouldn't want my partner telling me I shouldn't treat them.

Rjahdhdvd · 11/11/2023 08:41

Christ the comments about her dad sorting it out grind on me as if the stepmum doesn’t have a role in it.
I would treat these as two separate issues; get her presents up to what you think is reasonable to spend on an adult child which generally is less than a child. Also make sure you tell her what you all want.
Then say to her separately to Christmas that you’re all hurt that she hasn’t acknowledged birthdays and part of being an adult and getting gifts is acknowledging and gifting to others and in the future you may all decide not to do as much if this is her approach.

Ohdearwhatnow4 · 11/11/2023 08:41

Send her yours and family gift list, with expenses gifts and say I can't wait for Christmas this year now your a adult. Then buy her some bits and boyfriend token gifts

Original poster
Fixesplease · 11/11/2023 08:43

Erm.. she sent the list to me. I have absolutely no influence on what her father does or does not do with regards to his adult child. Nor would I dream of it!

OP posts:
Original poster
Fixesplease · 11/11/2023 08:44

I'm unsure why the replies thing isn't working! Sorry.

OP posts:
BIossomtoes · 11/11/2023 08:44

Fixesplease · 11/11/2023 08:43

Erm.. she sent the list to me. I have absolutely no influence on what her father does or does not do with regards to his adult child. Nor would I dream of it!

I’d just leave it to your bloke this year. No extra bits and pieces. It sends exactly the message you want it to.

howdoesyourgardengrowinmay · 11/11/2023 08:44

Send her a list back, to her and her invisible boyfriend,with all your family names and this year's Christmas present requirements.

See what she has to say.

T u m b l e w e e e e d .. ...

Merrymouse · 11/11/2023 08:46

Christ the comments about her dad sorting it out grind on me as if the stepmum doesn’t have a role in it.

The point is more that the father doesn’t seem to be playing any role.

user1492757084 · 11/11/2023 08:46

Be nice. Buy somethings off the list and make sure she has a happy Christmas. It is too late to change; she trusts the old way of Christmas.
In March discuss the options for Christmas gifts now that you are all adults.
Do you want to have all adults dip into a hat and do a Secret Santa to a 100 pound limit?

sollenwir · 11/11/2023 08:47

I'd be inclined to ignore it, and if anyone questions it then it wouldn't be unreasonable for you to assume she's sent it in error (with the crazy costs of the items).

Cassie71 · 11/11/2023 08:48

Could you send her a list of all the birthdays and events that she has failed to acknowledge.

crumblingschools · 11/11/2023 08:49

I wouldn’t buy anything on the list but would get her something cheaper.

Is she being entitled or being manipulated by the BF?

BFmumttc · 11/11/2023 08:49

Hi x, thanks for the list - we haven’t spoke in so long I didn’t plan for this this year so have forwarded to your dad. I’ll ask him to forward our list too.

Merrymouse · 11/11/2023 08:49

Fixesplease · 11/11/2023 08:43

Erm.. she sent the list to me. I have absolutely no influence on what her father does or does not do with regards to his adult child. Nor would I dream of it!

But from what you say she barely interacts with her family except to ask for presents - and she sends the present list to you. Isn’t that a bit odd?