Would you consider this grabby?

[Moggetrules]

After 8 looong years of fertility treatments and 3 IVF cycles, our rainbow miracle baby is due in May.

Given the length of time and both of us in good employment, there's a nest egg saved up for this baby. Therefore we don't really need anything.

Also, majority of our families on both sides is scattered all over the world, so we're thinking what we're about to propose makes sense.

Please bear in mind there was cancer on both of our sides and a genetic problem in DH's family that is now treatable with stem cells.

We are considering, instead of any presents for the baby (no baby shower horrors, but we do send a little something when a baby arrives), to ask, if anyone is so inclined, for contributions towards stem cell saving.

I am aware there is a free NHS service, but you just donate the stem cells there and, if someone requires them before your DC, they give them to the first person in need. This is why we're considering a private scheme.

Would you consider this grabby/gauche to ask? We would not be asking for the whole fee coverage, of course, but rather if someone wants to gift something to the baby, I feel a small contribution for a potentially lifesaving solution would be much appreciated.

So, AIBU - yes, you're grabby or no, it's a good idea?

This seems the most sensible and useful suggestion. In reality people will want to buy baby related items.

Not grabby but it's awkward and depressing.

You'll be having a fairly morbid conversation with people explaining about stem cells etc, when all the poor bugger wanted to do was wish you well and buy a hat or something with a duck on it.

I think when you're further along and ready to celebrate, you'll see that what you're proposing doesn't really suit the tone or intentions of the person asking about presents.

If you can afford it, pay for the stem cell saving yourselves and let other people gift you something more joyful.

This is so true.

OP, have you thought about pre natal counselling? You've been through so much, it might help to work through some of it so you can enjoy your baby and pregnancy more.

I think it’s ok if someone asks what you want, but not ok to suggest it.

We were going to do this type of stem cell collection, but our nhs hospital wouldn’t support the stem cells to be collected in that way. Just something to check on.
we have no private birthing provision within 100 miles so we couldn’t go ahead.

Not grabby, but uncomfortable and way too medical. Why not let people just celebrate your new baby. Oh the fun a choosing a little first for a new born in your circle.

Good luck

Exactly

It's a really weird request and loaded with tragedy. I absolutely would not do this. People want to celebrate the new baby not think about cancer. To be honest, the cancer is your issue; people outside the immediate family take a polite interest and just want to send a cute gift.

And there's nothing horrible about baby showers, they are completely normal and fun and lovely.

You are way overthinking this. Just do the normal thing else people will have you forever pegged as weird.

Not grabby at all,I think it's a great idea.

I think you sound rather traumatised by your experience. I needed ivf to have my dd and I didn’t have as many issues as you, she was the result of the 3rd try. I’d look into some therapy and pay for the stem cell fees yourselves, asking others to give towards x or buy y gift etc if they ask.

Where I live pretty much everyone does the stem cells saving - pretty common, we are doing it too. Not grabby at all - I'd be happy to contribute towards that.

Many congrats for your rainbow baby!!!

very onsome
ffs Lonesome

I think if someone asks then you could mention it. But to tell people what you want - no, don’t do it - you’ll make gift giving a compulsory event - like you are sending them an invoice for knowing you. And people will feel obligated to give you more because it will play on their heart strings - no don’t do it.

If you can afford it then pay for it yourselves and let people send usual new baby presents

I would see it as - Don't buy anything for the baby as it won't be as nice as what we want so give us cash instead.

Well said, @SunRainStorm

People's kindly feelings aren't there to be milked for personal gain. I'd be highly put off.

It's always awkward giving or asking for money instead of a physical gift, givers will not appreciate what's normally a cheerful easy gift becoming something so quantifiable and morbid.

OP, it sounds like there’s been a lot of heartache in your life in maybe the last 5-10 years, between the illnesses in your and DH’s family and your pregnancy losses. I’m so sorry; I can’t imagine the amount of pain and I’m sure it must have felt like a terrible storm hitting you from both outside and inside.

The only reason I would recommend not asking people for this contribution, except perhaps the baby’s grandparents, and even then having a more deep, personal discussion with them, is because of what you’ve said above: that stem cells are associated with a “deeply traumatizing” time in the family. While I know this procedure is meant to ensure the OPPOSITE in the future, that this trauma doesn’t befall your baby, I think just asking for contributions to it is bound to dampen a happy time.

But I also think it’s not surprising that you might want to do this. As you say in your later comments, you’re not even looking at names until the 24 week viability scan. It sounds like you’ve been through a LOT of pain to get this point, and you’re very afraid of loss and more pain, and it only makes sense that the thought of your future child becoming seriously ill is almost more than you can bear. So, very, very gently, I would say that maybe the best plan for you is not to think about cord blood banking anymore, and either just sign up to do it and have done with it, or don’t. But I think forcing yourself to possibly have a conversation again and again with people about what you’re asking them to donate to and why you want the stem cells for your baby, might be a lot more traumatizing for you. You need space to heal and then space to begin to focus on the positive - that your little one will arrive here healthy and stay healthy. Maybe some counseling specifically for mothers in your situation would be a good idea, if it’s an option and you feel you’re ready. And please especially consider it if you find you start having any constant fears about something happening to DC once their born; it happens so often in your situation, when you’ve waited so long for a baby, and mums don’t realize these fears can be overwhelming and they just need a bit of help.

Good luck, OP. I don’t think this was necessarily a bad idea; it just sounds like one that due to the circumstances, could lead to some hurt, unfortunately, for you included. There are some nice ideas on this thread of what to tell people if they do ask you what to bring baby (the favorite book is lovely) that will hopefully be helpful. And please take good care of yourself, physically and mentally.

Indeed. Nowhere is OP asking anyone to ‘donate a bit of their body’. If you are going to insult a woman in a vulnerable place, @Galiana, at least get your facts right.

I'm laughing (not in a mean way) at this misunderstanding. I think you're still confused. It's the baby's umbilical cord they want, not the friends' and family's, which are probably in horrifying states by now if even found. It's still a weird and imo ill-advised request but no one is asking anyone to get their razor blades out!

Have you really looked into this? The odds that your baby’s stem cells would someday be used to help him/her are vanishingly small. For that reason alone I would not want to contribute. It’s a waste of money.

Nope that's weird.

That sounds absolutely fine, OP. Wishing you all the luck in the world for the remainder of your pregnancy and the safe arrival of your little one

VWdieselnightmare The information you shared about stem cells was useful, I didn’t know much about that. Your sneery comments about the OP and what you project are her reasons for not wanting generic gifts bought for her ‘precious first born’ were incredibly mean.

OP, I agree with PPs that although coming from an understandable place, it would be better to allow family and friends to share in the joyful arrival of your newborn with the usual gifts, and cover the other costs yourselves.