Would you consider this grabby?

[Moggetrules]

After 8 looong years of fertility treatments and 3 IVF cycles, our rainbow miracle baby is due in May.

Given the length of time and both of us in good employment, there's a nest egg saved up for this baby. Therefore we don't really need anything.

Also, majority of our families on both sides is scattered all over the world, so we're thinking what we're about to propose makes sense.

Please bear in mind there was cancer on both of our sides and a genetic problem in DH's family that is now treatable with stem cells.

We are considering, instead of any presents for the baby (no baby shower horrors, but we do send a little something when a baby arrives), to ask, if anyone is so inclined, for contributions towards stem cell saving.

I am aware there is a free NHS service, but you just donate the stem cells there and, if someone requires them before your DC, they give them to the first person in need. This is why we're considering a private scheme.

Would you consider this grabby/gauche to ask? We would not be asking for the whole fee coverage, of course, but rather if someone wants to gift something to the baby, I feel a small contribution for a potentially lifesaving solution would be much appreciated.

So, AIBU - yes, you're grabby or no, it's a good idea?

Oh I wouldn't. I'd buy less for the baby myself, save the money for the medical stuff and do an actual list of things that people might like to buy for the baby, if they ask. If people are planning on giving you substantial amounts of money, they won't need asking or telling, they'll just do it.

Have you looked into the stem cell saving in any depth OP?

I did and concluded private stem cell saving seems to be a bit of a scam, as the chance of your baby's stem cells being suitable for use by themselves later in life is low.

From Web MD:

The chance of privately banked cord blood being used by your child is extremely low.

A stem cell transplant using an individual’s own cord blood (called an autologous transplant) cannot be used for genetic disorders such as sickle cell disease and thalassemia, because the genetic mutations that cause these disorders are present in the baby's cord blood. Other diseases that can be treated with a stem cell transplant, such as leukemia, may also already be present in a baby’s cord blood.

I wouldn't want to donate to charity I'd want to celebrate your baby. If you asked me to this I'd most likely do neither.

I’m very practical and a scientist and I would not want to get this as a gift for a new baby. I want to buy a cute little baby grow.

I don’t think this is a good idea, unless a family member has specifically asked to get this for your baby.

I think you should wait until closer to the time and make a wish list. It is annoying to have people buy the pram you don't want so be specific, high chair push chair cot paint for room etc then save all that money you would have spent on baby stuff for the private stem cell treatment.

Although this totally makes sense, maybe you'd be better off donating for the karma if this is true.

I think it's tacky to suggest any type of baby gift to friends and family. Just gratefully accept whatever you are given and pay for your child's medical needs yourself.

You absolutely cannot ask people to donate a bit of their body rather than buy a toy for your baby.

That's so bonkers. You utter tool.

So it’s a £1000 and the £100 per year? In the grand scheme of things, it’s not a lot of money. Why don’t you just buy this yourselves and let people buy fun stuff for the baby?

@Boomboom22 that's what I landed as well. Unfortunately only a select few hospitals have the facilities to bank cord blood for the NHS library. But if your hospital is one you should definitely do it OP

It's from the umbilical cord you plonker. Nobody is donating anything its medical waste that would otherwise be incinerated or donated.

I think it goes against the grain of the optimism people feel when a baby is born. Everyone is positive and looking forward to it, hoping for the best. I'd pay for it myself (you're not short on money) and let people give whatever gift they want. I never assumed we'd get gifts for a new baby but people usually gave them. At least for the first one or two. After that it really drops off.

just mind yourself and your baby for now and think about this later.

Family & friends will still want to buy gifts for the baby. Who can resist a mooch round the baby section & all the cute tiny clothes!

I know what it is.

It's an utterly mental request.

I'm not a fan of donations, it commodities people.

Nobody is a parts shop for someone else.

@Moggetrules 'Rainbow miracle baby'

Do not do that to your future child. They're just a kid

Rainbow.

Miracle.

Baby.

Nope.

FFS. You have put so much pressure on that child and they're five months from even being born.

I think it goes against the grain of the optimism people feel when a baby is born

This! Sorry for the heartache you've endured.

However, I'm pretty sure your loved ones will want to celebrate your baby's arrival into the world - not think about them one day possibly getting ill. So I personally wouldn't.

Yabu and making it weird. You just said you’re well off so surely you can pay the £1k it’s not that much at all for something you feel is medically necessary for your child
if people want to ask what to buy tell them something else off your list.
Have you thought - if you ask people to pay for your child’s stem cells and they don’t even have that for their own child then you’re making the situation quite awkward??? You’re telling people this is such a vital and important thing but they all may not have done it for their own kids and now you’re making them feel guilty or weird so I don’t think it’s the wisest idea. Just buy it yourself in private

Yes.

Agree with this

This is what I'd think if you asked me the question you're proposing.

It makes logical sense but... Think I'd be confused at how much to donate for stem cell treatment - like £10 wouldn't go far unless you're canvassing from 100 people or so?

And also confused about whether your baby has some killer latent disease and maybe inclined to treat them more like a sick baby then a healthy joyous baby (sorry I don't mean to sound discriminatory but obviously you need to be more sombre and respectful around sick babies). On the other hand, potentially also wondering if I should feel cheated / what you were going to use the money for if it wasn't needed in future.

That said, if close family I think it's an okay request. If wider family, I think you could just ask for contributions towards the baby's upkeep, or if that's too explicit, maybe specific presents so that you save money on those things that can go towards the treatment fund.

Brilliant idea, would rather spend money on this than baby sleepsuits or trite decor for nurseries. I have similar family history though so definitely understand where you’re coming from. Great plan, hope everyone contributes and if they don’t hope you can find it any way.

Bit off the subject here OP but you are not letting yourself contemplate names or buying things which I can totally relate to. I didn't even tell anyone I was pregnant till after the midway scan because I'd had a miscarriage not that long before and just couldn't feel safe till that scan and him starting to move at which point it all felt real.

On the other hand though you are letting yourself think about cancer and stem cell saving which is still jumping ahead but negatively itms. So you're almost double hurting here. You're not yet letting yourself feel or do anything of the joyful things and you're letting yourself feel and think negative things about the baby's future.

I'd suggest putting it out of mind for now. You've done your research and know what it entails and everything so you are prepared enough. Now put it out of your mind and try to relax and once that scan happens and you are feeling the baby's movement regularly hopefully you'll feel safe and able to let yourself start enjoying your pregnancy.

You have the money, pay for it yourself. Don’t be a pratt presenting this to your family and friends as if it’s their opportunity to contribute/pay for something lifesaving if needed. You will not impress people with your unique baby gift idea. It sounds like you think your family and friends should all chip and preserve the forever future health of your baby. Weird.