Would you consider this grabby?

[Moggetrules]

After 8 looong years of fertility treatments and 3 IVF cycles, our rainbow miracle baby is due in May.

Given the length of time and both of us in good employment, there's a nest egg saved up for this baby. Therefore we don't really need anything.

Also, majority of our families on both sides is scattered all over the world, so we're thinking what we're about to propose makes sense.

Please bear in mind there was cancer on both of our sides and a genetic problem in DH's family that is now treatable with stem cells.

We are considering, instead of any presents for the baby (no baby shower horrors, but we do send a little something when a baby arrives), to ask, if anyone is so inclined, for contributions towards stem cell saving.

I am aware there is a free NHS service, but you just donate the stem cells there and, if someone requires them before your DC, they give them to the first person in need. This is why we're considering a private scheme.

Would you consider this grabby/gauche to ask? We would not be asking for the whole fee coverage, of course, but rather if someone wants to gift something to the baby, I feel a small contribution for a potentially lifesaving solution would be much appreciated.

So, AIBU - yes, you're grabby or no, it's a good idea?

wow @VWdieselnightmare - that is such a thoughtless response. This mum to be has been through years of fertility treatment, is finally going to have a child and knows there is a chance the child will need stem cells one day, so wants to make provisions to make a potential life saving/life optimising treatment readily available if necessary. The anxiety mums feel after such fertility journeys is enormous and totally understandable.

What about alllllll the babies who are born whose parents choose not to donate stem cells at all, when there’s little to no chance of needing them in the future? Do you have the same opinion of those parents too?

I really can’t get my head around the aggressiveness and total lack of empathy of your reply.

@VWdieselnightmare just to add, this 100% isn't about controlling anything. I haven't dared to even look at the names yet, because of previous losses. Along the same line, I won't be choosing/buying anything until viability at 24 weeks. I couldn't bear it if it all went wrong again. You couldn't have misread this any more painfully than you did.

Do this!

And good luck with your pregnancy. I hope it all goes well.

Hi, OP -

Congratulations on this much wanted pregnancy, and very best wishes as it goes forward.

It’s complicated. I can’t quite tell where you are coming from, aside from a very understandable fear. Do you have a strong vision of exactly what baby supplies you want, and wish to purchase them yourself? Making the gifts you anticipate, possibly from beloved relatives and friends whose tastes differ from yours, unnecessary. That’s a touch PFB but very understandable after what you’ve been through.

Can you afford the stem cell harvest and storage? If so I am with those who suggest sucking up the cost except in the case if anyone who asks what you need. I only ask because I want to know what you most want and I think you can assume others do the same. For the rest, let them share your joy by giving what they like and quietly donate or regift what doesn’t suit.

If you can’t afford the stem cell procedure then I think you can be more straightforward with people you are positive are planning gifts, who know your heartbreaking history. Not the others - it won’t make sense to them.

@hallapmum tens of thousands in a COL crisis? No, nothing like that, just enough to buy the supplies and make sure there's enough to see us through the maternity leave. Yes, we can afford the whole fee, but that's not the point, my idea was in the sense of our family/friends participating in something we all see as important.

I think as you can afford it and your child is as yet unaffected and hopefully will never be, then if you feel the need then you pay. For everyone else let them buy a gift, without asking them to, to celebrate.

you can’t overshadow life’s celebrations with fear and anxiety and in this situation there is no need to. You can afford it. Do it quietly , then forget about it and focus on enjoying life with your child. And let everyone else do the same.

@poetryandwine I'm refusing to even think about buying stuff yet, let alone choosing it myself/controlling anything. Lost too many babies so far to do that. Not even looking at names until 24 weeks/viability - can't bring myself to it - buying stuff is even further beyond that.

No, not a thoughtless response: I thought hard about it and went back and edited it. I thought hard enough about it to include some information on what stem cell banking is and how it's regarded by many in the medical profession as a cynical way of exploiting privileged peoples' fears and anxieties to make money for private and largely unregulated corporations.

I think every child's special. I imagine that almost every child born will have someone in the family who's had cancer. Certainly all babies in my immediate family have had at least two grandparents with cancer. It's not unusual. I support public medicine and there's a public system which means that everyone can benefit from donations of stem cells to it. Stem cell donation is normally only advised if there is a child in the family who could benefit from a sibling's stem cells. I really do think that asking people to contribute to this is misguided.

My mother was also a great knitter and gifter of baby clothes, many of them slightly odd and unfashionable, which weren't always well-received. Now, when I come across one of her odd bonnets or matinee jackets in a box in the loft they make me cry — because she's gone I now realise how much love went into making them and giving them.

But if it pleases you to think me thoughtless, you're welcome.

Goodness I missed that you are only a few weeks pregnant. Op, look congrats on your pregnancy, focus on that, really you shouldn’t be thinking of this right now. And certainly not asking people for money for it.

I think you should use your own money for something like this. No need to involve everyone else in your decision. If you want people to give you money, then set up an ISA for the baby (BUT consider that if you do go on to have a second one, your second child may not end up with the same amount given to them). If you don't want to ask for people's money, then ask for a book each or give everyone an age range and ask them to get different sized clothes (3-6, 6-9, 9-12, 12-18, 18-24, 2-3 etc etc) so that you are set for the next couple of years.

Even if people ask for gift ideas they would really like to celebrate your baby's birth and imagine them playing with a particular toy/being read a special book/wearing a cute outfit. Practical people might want to contribute money towards a bigger item like a car seat or furniture. It would be difficult to think of planning towards future health problems, which will hopefully never occur.

It's not exactly "grabby" but would you ask for contributions towards stem cell research?

Dismal. Bit too real a request for a birth - don’t forget many parents out there will be wanting support/cash for sick newborns.

Count your blessings and pay stem storage bills yourself. Family can buy bootees.

I guess the point is that you're the parents - this one's on you. Friends and family buy the cute babygros and comforter teddies. You buy the nappies, muslins, plain cotton vests. Friends and family bring cake, you buy the formula or the nipple cream or the broccoli for weaning. Medical stuff is on you, just like schooling or day to day clothing.

Ah: this makes sense — an understandable time of high anxiety and channelling it in the direction of stem cell banking.

Your OP gave a very different impression of the situation. I wish you a successful outcome.

Horrible idea.

Family and friends want to celebrate your baby.

In your thank you card for baby gifts received you could provide a link to highlight the stem cell charity if you want to.

Completely understandable, OP.

Perhaps put off a decision regarding your OP until you are feeling more secure in the pregnancy? I think I stand by the idea that if you can comfortably afford the harvest, only mention the possibility of contributions-as-presents to those who ask.

You are in no rush to decide.

Did you have to be so nasty and horrible about a woman who has tried for years for her child?

I’m usually a hater of anything monetary and grabby but I think if this was a member of my family, a much wanted and loved and longed for baby, I’d be more than happy to contribute to something that might assure their lifelong health.

I wouldn't mind paying towards what could potentially save your baby's life in the future given the length of time you've been through to get your baby and you might not have another one. I think it's a good idea.

People don’t normally ask what you’d like, they just bring (or send) something when they visit. So yes, asking for money would come across as grabby. I’d just keep the money aside that you already have saved. People also enjoy choosing gifts for babies.