Would you consider this grabby?

[Moggetrules]

After 8 looong years of fertility treatments and 3 IVF cycles, our rainbow miracle baby is due in May.

Given the length of time and both of us in good employment, there's a nest egg saved up for this baby. Therefore we don't really need anything.

Also, majority of our families on both sides is scattered all over the world, so we're thinking what we're about to propose makes sense.

Please bear in mind there was cancer on both of our sides and a genetic problem in DH's family that is now treatable with stem cells.

We are considering, instead of any presents for the baby (no baby shower horrors, but we do send a little something when a baby arrives), to ask, if anyone is so inclined, for contributions towards stem cell saving.

I am aware there is a free NHS service, but you just donate the stem cells there and, if someone requires them before your DC, they give them to the first person in need. This is why we're considering a private scheme.

Would you consider this grabby/gauche to ask? We would not be asking for the whole fee coverage, of course, but rather if someone wants to gift something to the baby, I feel a small contribution for a potentially lifesaving solution would be much appreciated.

So, AIBU - yes, you're grabby or no, it's a good idea?

You can afford to pay for it yourselves so why are you asking other people to contribute to it? Let them buy presents and pay for it yourselves. It would be different if you couldn’t afford it but you can.

No. Really don’t.

Yes exactly. And I would think it strange to be asked for monetary donations from friends or family I knew were comfortable.

Besides, the presents are nice - mine still play with some of the stuff they were given as babies and it's nice to tell them who it came from. Baby gifts are mostly about sentimentality and a cash donation doesn't have the same meaning.

I don't think I'd do this. Use the money you have set by and let people give/buy you as usual.

I wouldn't generally, but your parents/baby's grandparents might ask to give something bigger, some will offer to buy a cot or travel system etc, I think then it would be ok to explain the stem cell thing and that it would be nice if they could contribute to that. It is sad though, so whilst I understand your planning it might not sit well with relatives to think of worst case scenarios

Why not talk to people about it. Like if they say to your face to face oh I don't know what to get for your baby or I'll have to go baby clothes shopping soon then suggest it as an option. Otherwise a generic message sent to all family and friends will just come across weird and controlling.

I think people are likely to feel more involved with your baby by being able to contribute to the things they can imagine the baby or you using rather than paying for something they hope will never be needed.

Well, I would always be open to donating money to a good cause but no way will I be having invasive bodily treatment to satisfy someone's else's whim.

Just had a new treatment for a chronic auto-immune disease and the side-effects were horrendous. I did volunteer myself so that's on me.

No way would I volunteer for anyone else, sorry OP.

I don't understand some of these responses. It's not especially difficult to understand and I think it's fine to ask people for this in lieu of gifts

She's not asking them to donate stem cells, just to give money.

It's fine to ask, not grabby, but I agree that it's a bit depressing when people want to celebrate the birth with you

@MariaLuna the process involves collecting blood from placenta/umbilical cord that would otherwise be discarded and is not in any way invasive or having side effects.

Waiting and praying for 1.5 years for a close relative to find a suitable donor was extremely traumatising, in addition to the severe side effects that the antirejection meds give them.

I do admit I'm panicking a bit a the thought of my baby being affected.

I personally would rather my money go on something you wanted/needed rather than a few baby grows which say “Mummy’s little soldier” from Asda. Go for it.

I would think you were someone with very little sensitivity. If you have the money yourselves, don’t ask other people to contribute to something that not only is a rich person’s privilege that perpetuates health inequalities but also is a potential ethical conundrum — transplants aren’t always used for the child themselves, but for siblings.

Frankly, I’d rather buy a babygro.

Don't ask for anything at all, it's all too cringe. You'll get plenty of gifts or vouchers so you can save your money for the stem cell thing anyway.

I cringed for days when I received a pdf doc a few weeks ago with a link to a gift list and paypal details for imminent baby.

I'm still not over that one.

I think its a great idea, but would only suggest if someone asks if you need anything. I would also suggest you ask for anyone who lives close if they would bring a cooked dinner over in the first few weeks after the baby is born!

I’m not sure why you’d mark the arrival of a much longed for child by getting your loved ones to instantly think of that child being severely ill?

Like the others I absolutely see why you’d want to do it but I’d fund it myself and get them to contribute in other ways.

It's not grabby. But it's odd.

You've got the money for that. If you must ask for money, then put it to something like a pram.

You don't need the money at all however, so just let people buy the usual.

It's a really odd thing to do, given all the circumstances.

@Moggetrules - I am sorry that some of the replies you’re getting aren’t very sympathetic. You’re having a much longed for baby, know there is a chance they will need some treatment and that is making you understandably anxious. And I can see your point about contributions toward stem cell saving.

However….. your baby is much longer for and trust me, because you have wanted this baby so much, your family want it for you too, no matter how far away they are. They will enjoy giving you gifts and even if you can afford to buy everything yourself - it’s a lovely feeling that others are excited and want to celebrate the new arrival and support with gifts etc. And you deserve the excitement too!

as you have a nest egg, personally I would pay for the stem cell stuff yourself. Let people enjoy the arrival and give gifts if they want - means you won’t be spending money on the car seat/pram/sling anyway which will save you a good chunk of the money anyway.

So essentially I understand why you would consider this, I don’t think it’s grabby but do think you deserve to enjoy the baby and all the excitement that comes with having a new little life and enjoy the feeling that others wanting to celebrate it too.

There's really no need to put out a big statement re giving anything at all.

I cannot imagine how you can possibly consider asking for anything for the baby. Gifts or contributions of any kind.

Relatives/friends usually gift something to the baby after the baby is born because they want to, not because it's been planned. Whatever they want to gift. Baby related usually. It's something for the baby to use/enjoy when very young or in the future.

Unless grandparents specifically ask you if you have anything in mind, I don't think it would be appropriate for you to ask for contributions towards this stem cells harvesting and storing process. Usually grandparents start a savings/investment scheme for grandchildren, but this is not necessarily discussed with the parents, just something grandparents do because they want to. So unless they, as the closest most interested family in this baby, mention something along these lines, you can't bring it up yourself. If they mention it, then you could say an alternative would be a contribution towards this procedure.

This is your baby, your responsibility in every single way possible.
You should just pay the fees as parents. In the great scheme of things, as an annual expenditure for a potential life saving strategy, you should cover this yourselves without even thinking of outside help. Especially if you happen to be in a position to do so without affecting your standard of living. Look at it as a family annual bill on health insurance.

I hope the treatment will never, ever be required but it's sensible you are planning for it.

Just to add, people genuinely enjoy giving baby specific gifts to a new baby.
It would be rather odd to be asked for contributions to a stem cell fund as an alternative to a traditional baby gift, even though there is a sensible reasoning behind this plan.

there's a nest egg saved up for this baby. Therefore we don't really need anything.

I'm wondering if what you mean is 'I've chosen everything we need for our super-special miracle baby, from the best cot and transport system to the perfect teddy bear and the ethically-sourced, tastefully designed, organic cotton clothing s/he'll be wearing for the first year. I don't want my precious child to be plied with random tat and bad-taste hand knits sent by the extended family.' I think this is generally known on MN as Perfect First Born Syndrome and lots of women develop it, so you're not alone.

Instead you want your family to channel their pleasure and joy into paying for a controversial medical practice (which isn't recommended by many doctors) in the extremely unlikely event that it will one day come in useful. By going private and not donating to the public stem cell bank you will deprive others of the chance that your child's stems cells may help them — but what the hell, at least your baby won't have to wear a Boston Red Sox babygro to please Uncle Rick.

https://www.nytimes.com/2020/12/18/parenting/pregnancy/cord-blood-banking.html

People like buying stuff for babies. It's the way they express their love and welcome the new addition to the family. Let them share the pleasure. You've got plenty of money. If you're serious about the cord banking then sort it out quietly yourselves and don't start this child's life with a cloud of anxiety and negativity hanging over it. Wishing you and your baby all the best.

I would say whilst not so much of fun and cutesy gift for a new baby. It is sensible and understandable given what you have been through to get your miracle baby and the fact cancer has been on both sides of the family (even if it is not the odds of cancer are pretty much 1 in 2 now?!). Family & friends should understand you want to protect your child as much as possible in your power. I'm sure they won't resist a little gift anyway also!

@Branster I am so sorry you were so unsupported and left to fend for yourself, especially considering how hard parenting can be. At no other point in history/other cultures was one person expected to never accept any help related to parenting.

I guess I'm blessed that I experienced the opposite, if one of my family needed any help, with parenting or otherwise, we're always ready to lend a hand.

As for the rest, thank you so much for your contributions. Point taken, only let know if asked. I really appreciate your time for replying to me.