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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this inappropriate or ok?

129 replies

WinkyTinky · 09/11/2023 22:39

I've posted recently about the towel. This time it's inappropriate TV, or is it fine and I'm making a fuss over nothing?
Got home from visiting my brother, DH and kids were in the living room with a programme on pause about to start as DH was making a cup of tea - Inside The Undertakers. The kids would not have wanted this on at all. Not at all. I gave DH the glare as I could see he was about to press play and he said "alright alright, I won't put it on." And I walked away, quietly calling him a stupid man. Considering he'd effed off on another of his jaunts for the past couple of days, you'd think maybe he might want to have a nice night with the boys, fun things, normal stuff, but no. Let's watch a documentary about dead bodies and all the processes they go through in the mortuary. Am I BU here??
As a fun aside, went to the kitchen to find that he had tried to give our youngest a couple of part baked baguettes that he likes, which looked like they'd been in the oven for all of 30 seconds.... 🙄

OP posts:
ITookABathWithAinsleyHarriott · 09/11/2023 22:40

Do you even like your husband?

TheresaOfAvila · 09/11/2023 22:42

What’s wrong with the undertaker’s?

Cas112 · 09/11/2023 22:42

Honestly OP is this really worthy of a thread

Maybe just leave your partner, you clearly just don't like him and want a whinge

PonyPatter44 · 09/11/2023 22:43

Don't you think you and he would be happier apart?

TheChosenTwo · 09/11/2023 22:43

I’m watching it at the moment.
How old are the kids?
10/11 and under I’d think they should
have been in bed, any older and they could have just left if they didn’t want to watch it.

SMTWTFS · 09/11/2023 22:43

This is so trivial.

ticketstoironmaiden · 09/11/2023 22:45

Its a Stacey Dooley documentary, not a horror film. Whether it’s age appropriate for your children I can’t answer. If not then yeah he shouldn’t be putting it on.

The baguette thing .. you just sound overly critical if I’m being honest. It would be draining to have someone point out that everything I did wasn’t up to their own standards.

SugaredCookie · 09/11/2023 22:45

Depends how old the boys are really

SapphosRock · 09/11/2023 22:46

Sounds like they were having a nice, chilled evening and you came home and threw a strop over nothing.

Undertaker programme sounds quite interesting.

Fionaville · 09/11/2023 22:48

My DCs would have enjoyed that programme for the educational value. But then they also enjoy 'extreme hoarders' 😆
Time with dad is different from time with mum. And that's OK. As long as he is present and engaged, does it really matter?

ticketstoironmaiden · 09/11/2023 22:49

OP I just looked at your previous thread as you mentioned it (for anyone wondering her husband used her new towel and left shit on it).

You said you were leaving him? So in all honesty what does it matter what he does?

theelectricnorth · 09/11/2023 22:52

How old are the boys? If your husband is regularly ignoring the bedtime schedule then you need to have a conversation. If you rarely go out and it was a fun 'let's stay up an extra hour' as mum is out boy's night then I really don't see the harm. If they are groggy and not behaving tomorrow then let him deal with it. 😂

Original poster
WinkyTinky · 09/11/2023 22:57

@Fionaville This is the thing, he's not engaged at all. He puts on whatever he wants and the kids are bored out of their minds. And not even fed!
Anyway, I didn't post to be proved right, just to ask the question as sometimes I acknowledge I do react to things that might not make other people bat an eyelid. Just wanted to ask.

OP posts:
CatsTheWayToDoIt · 09/11/2023 23:07

you don’t seem to like anything about him. Can you remember why you are with him?
maybe it’s time to move on.

Original poster
WinkyTinky · 09/11/2023 23:13

Maybe I'm just a bit stressed out. My brother is in a care home, it's no fun for him, the other residents are shouting for the staff to come, they even try to get in his room and take things. I love my brother to bits and it's awful having to leave him there. Then I get home and I'm enraged within ten seconds. All I want is to come home to some peace and comfort 😦

OP posts:
AdobeWanKenobi · 09/11/2023 23:18

I walked away, quietly calling him a stupid man

If this were reversed and the DH called the wife a stupid woman there would be outrage.

Arriettyborrower · 09/11/2023 23:26

I hear you OP, you just want to know that things are taken care of at home whilst you are taking care of your brother. That sounds really tough.

Do you think your DH appreciates that?

Startrekkeruniverse · 09/11/2023 23:46

If you don’t like your husband maybe you should talk about separating.

I couldn’t get worked up about an undercooked baguette or a documentary about undertakers. Death and undercooked baguettes are all part of life.

Original poster
WinkyTinky · 09/11/2023 23:50

@Arriettyborrower No I don't think he gets it at all. His nights out are about his own fun, mine are about care homes and Aldi and helping my mum. I'm not trying to be all martyr-y here, it's just how it is. On one occasion I came home to find he'd.gone out and left the kids. They're old enough to be left, but he didn't think to tell me he was going and that I might want to hurry back.

OP posts:
Lavender14 · 09/11/2023 23:53

"The baguette thing .. you just sound overly critical if I’m being honest. It would be draining to have someone point out that everything I did wasn’t up to their own standards."

See that's alright IF someone is being overly critical while the other person is pulling their equal weight of the family load. The problem is that when someone is left feeling responsible for everything and everyone, they become over critical because they end up feeling like they need to micro manage to keep on top of way too much. So it depends on which it is in your case op. Obviously you've a lot going on outside of just your family, my question would be what are you doing to refill your cup and renew your resilience?

I do think muttering like that under your breath about your husband shows how much you resent him as that's really disrespectful and I'd never do that to dh or tolerate him doing that to me. So if you're that unhappy then you maybe do need to think of leaving as your boys shouldn't be seeing you glaring at their dad and calling him a stupid man, even if he is frustrating you and unsupportive.

Lavender14 · 09/11/2023 23:54

WinkyTinky · 09/11/2023 23:50

@Arriettyborrower No I don't think he gets it at all. His nights out are about his own fun, mine are about care homes and Aldi and helping my mum. I'm not trying to be all martyr-y here, it's just how it is. On one occasion I came home to find he'd.gone out and left the kids. They're old enough to be left, but he didn't think to tell me he was going and that I might want to hurry back.

If they're old enough to be left why do you need to hurry back though op? There comes a point where you need to also be able to step back and see what's yours to take on and what isn't and what can be left. If the kids are old enough that they were safe then I'm not sure why you'd need to be hurrying back.

MonsteraMama · 09/11/2023 23:57

Is your husband the shit towel man? Why haven't you left him already? You clearly hate him (rightly so, I'd hate anyone who smeared shite on my towel) so I'm not sure why you don't do something about it instead of... Whatever this is.

Screamingabdabz · 09/11/2023 23:58

He sounds like he’s been allowed to get away with this juvenile incompetence for a long, long time. You have to bear some of the responsibility for that. You had more than one child with him and seem to be the one wearing the domestic prefect badge. Why is this an issue now?

HowToSaveAWife · 10/11/2023 00:01

"I gave DH the glare as I could see he was about to press play and he said "alright alright, I won't put it on." And I walked away, quietly calling him a stupid man."

You gave him "The Glare" and then called him stupid, albeit quietly? Your DH might be a dolt but your reaction is abusive.

HTH.

Ponoka7 · 10/11/2023 00:02

It's difficult to tell if entering the peri/menopause is making you re-evaluate aspects of your life and finding him sadly lacking, or your relationship broke down some time ago anyway. Only you can decide if it's worth staying. The lads are old enough to voice their opinions and get involved with food prep. But that isn't the real issue.