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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I need help I can't do this anymore

108 replies

fuckingheartbroken · 09/11/2023 10:29

Back story, the last 2 years have been filled with cancer diagnosis and a LOT of chemo, relentless surgeries, losing a baby, and very long hospital stays.

I'm married and have been with my husband for 11 years, married for 4. 1 DD.

We work for the same company but different departments.

I found out on Friday that he's has a 2.5 year long affair with a woman at work. The sick, sick thing is when I was in hospital fighting for my life, sobbing my heart out not knowing if I was going to survive, missing my husband and my little girl, he was TAKING our little girl with him to his antics with OW.
While I was there not knowing what my future held.

He had feelings for her. They 'stopped' when she got pregnant (she's had a long term boyfriend)
I know the baby isn't his as he is infertile and we had to have IVF for DD.

I am absolutely, utterly broken. Mortified. Humiliated.
I never ever ever saw this coming. Everyone thought he was the hero that stuck by me. The fantastic dad that took the reins when I was fighting for my life. I would've put my life on it that he would've never done this to me. There were no signs, nothing. He really was the love of my life. My soul mate and my best friend.

He told me earlier this year he didn't know how to fall in love with me again as he felt like he was my carer. This is not true as when I was home I was okay. I was only sick when I was in hospital.

Our sex life dwindled went down to 1-2 times a month whilst I was going through this. He also blames that.

He's now remorseful, having panic attacks, crying, self harming, etc.

I threw all of his bags and clothes out the window I'm ashamed to say. I wanted him to feel embarrassed and feel so small picking up his things in the pouring rain in front of a street of people.

What the fuck do I do and where the fuck do I start. I'm barely recovered. He's pleading the fifth now saying he loves me. But admitted he DID have feelings for her.

I can't go back to him I know that. I am so, so incredibly low. He let me blame myself when he told me he fell out of love for me.

I can't believe this is my life. I'm a good person with a good heart, I've loved him fiercely and loyally, I'm smart, I keep myself well presented even when times I was dying inside.

What was wrong with me. Why wasn't I enough.

He can't use my illness as an excuse as I only was critically poorly last year. This affair started 2.5 years ago.

OP posts:

DustyLee123 · 09/11/2023 10:31

What a bastard, and a black mailing one at that.

Spirallingdownwards · 09/11/2023 10:34

You are enough.

He isn't. Send him packing. Tell everyone why. You deserve better and there is better out there for you.

didistutter56 · 09/11/2023 10:34

Please turn your upset into anger and let that help you move on. He did this at your lowest moments and involved your DD! He is an absolute scumbag and throwing his clothes out onto the street is the least of what he deserves.

Ibravedaflood · 09/11/2023 10:36

He didn't just physically cheat he mentally betrayed you at the worst time. Time to forge a new path for yourself with dd. Leave that fucker in the gutter where he belongs...

Namechange666 · 09/11/2023 10:38

You poor woman.

You will ALWAYS BE ENOUGH you hear me????

It's that sick, disgusting bastard that isn't.

Please don't waste your precious life with this garbage bag.

I've never read anything so selfish, how could he do that to you?

Just know in worth, you are worth a hundred million of what he could only dare dream about. You are in my thoughts.

JimJonesLivesInMyHead · 09/11/2023 10:40

Oh OP ...
This is absolutely heartbreaking. There is nothing wrong with you. There is everything wrong with him.

Please surround yourself with people who care, and keep posting here. This is a form of highly traumatic bereavement in addition to being a colossal betrayal.

I am so, so sorry x

makeminealargeoneagain · 09/11/2023 10:41

You are worth so much more than to be treated so badly by him. Build a new life for you and DD. Best wishes to you xxx

Conkersinautumn · 09/11/2023 10:42

It's who he is, he might find that distressing but he's done it to himself and he's the one who has to live with him, you really don't. You can reject him, the hurt he's caused you don't have to forgive him, just get him out so he can't do more damage (his story changing, truth twisting will carry on and on).

Pinkywoo · 09/11/2023 10:48

What an utter fucking bastard, he is a piece of shit who doesn't even deserve to breathe the same air as you. Do you have friends around to be with you? Please do tell people what's happened so you have support, the only person who should be embarrassed or ashamed is him.

Definitelynotem · 09/11/2023 10:53

Wow, that has to be one of the worst posts I’ve read on here. It’s one thing to have an affair but another to carry it on whilst he knew what you were going through, absolutely sickening. You deserve so much better OP, please do not take him back. There will be someone out there who can treat you much better and wouldn’t dream of doing something so disgusting!

Original poster

fuckingheartbroken · 09/11/2023 11:02

I can't do this anymore

OP posts:

whatwasIgoingtosay · 09/11/2023 11:05

Oh you poor woman! What a terrible story. You will gather strength from somewhere to deal with this - you've already been so strong. In a couple of years you will look back on this time from a much better place and feel proud of yourself for getting rid of the selfish bastard who betrayed you. Meantime, just hang on, one day at a time

RLmadmum · 09/11/2023 11:08

Oh OP, I'm so, so sorry and sending a massive hug your way.

You are enough. Please remember that. You are more than enough. He doesn't deserve you. You can get through this. Have you got someone with you now?

❤️

LightSpeeds · 09/11/2023 11:09

"What was wrong with me. Why wasn't I enough."

Turn THAT thought around. What's wrong with HIM?

He's just no good - a low-life liar. And of course he's remorseful now that he's been found out and she, presumably, isn't an option for him anymore.

He's made his bed and now he can lie in it.

I'm so sorry about everything you've been through xx

hevs03 · 09/11/2023 11:12

OP you can do this though right now I'm sure you feel that you can't, your DD needs you as I'm sure your family / friends do too. You don't need to rush any decisions, do things your way in your time, but you deserve so much more and I'm sure more happiness is out there for you in the future, none of this is on you but your husband, this is his fault and if he is struggling right now than that's no more than he deserves. You were struggling when you were ill and he was happy enough to forget that whilst he was with another woman. Allow yourself the time to get over this shock and then let the anger (and you will get angry) give you the energy you need to deal with the next step, the realisation of how badly you have been treated will one day make you realise just how much more you deserve, how strong you have been and will be and how none of this is your fault. I wish you all the luck and many years of health and happiness.

Nothanksthanksanyway · 09/11/2023 11:14

This isn't about you AT ALL. This is about him being an absolute shit bag.

Send him on his way, i promise things will get better from here and that you deserve so much more.

The best revenge is to thrive. Your life will be so much better without this person in it.

I am sending you a massive hug, you can do this. You are valuable and important.

MonsteraMama · 09/11/2023 11:15

I'm so sorry OP. What an absolute raging cunt he is.

You can do this. Look how strong you are, look at everything you've battled through and come out the other side. You are amazing, worthy, and made of tougher stuff than him. He's weak and pathetic, and a coward.

Be devastated, grieve the relationship you thought you had which is now dead, cry, scream, rage, fall apart a bit. Then harness the hurt and anger and pain he's caused and use it to fuel the fire of removing this absolute weapon from your life.

overthinkersanonnymus · 09/11/2023 11:18

What an absolute CUNT!

madmumofteens · 09/11/2023 11:20

I'm so sorry OP what a complete bastard look after yourself you deserve so much better you ARE enough 💐

Colette88 · 09/11/2023 11:20

fuckingheartbroken · 09/11/2023 11:02

I can't do this anymore

You don't have to. Sorry, but get your ducks in a row and go to a solicitor to start divorce. You will never forgive him, please don't let him drag it out for you. Take your daughter and kick him out. My H left when I was 5 months pregnant for another woman so I know how this feels. I didn't take him back , I forgave but I can't forget ever.

Intriguedbythis · 09/11/2023 11:21

Absolutely sickening behaviour.
you must be in shock, please please confided in a loved one or best friend.
you need love around you.

sorry but this is not salvageable and you need trusted adult loved ones around you to protect from his nastiness , lies and possible manipulation.

he’s really the lowest of the low ( and she too).

may I ask, how did you find out? Did he admit or you got suspicious?

be well, you do NOT deserve this despicable treatment.

💐

Intriguedbythis · 09/11/2023 11:23

@Colette88 well said and HOW dare he have done that to you? I never understand how people who do these things don’t get dumped by all their family and loved ones.

HotelNotPortofino · 09/11/2023 11:25

Nothanksthanksanyway · 09/11/2023 11:14

This isn't about you AT ALL. This is about him being an absolute shit bag.

Send him on his way, i promise things will get better from here and that you deserve so much more.

The best revenge is to thrive. Your life will be so much better without this person in it.

I am sending you a massive hug, you can do this. You are valuable and important.

^^ this, but with bells on

Mollyplop999 · 09/11/2023 11:25

You absolutely can do this. Your daughter needs you and you have a life to go and live. I can't begin to imagine the pain you are in but please don't give up. You are enough, it's that pathetic peice of shit that isn't fit to wipe your shoes on.

Ratfinkstinkypink · 09/11/2023 11:25

You are enough. He is NOT good enough. It's going to be hard, incredibly hard, he betrayed you at the worst time possible, in the worst way possible but it's his weakness, his failings and not yours. Get through by taking it one day, one hour, one minute, one second at a time.

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