I need help I can't do this anymore

[fuckingheartbroken]

Back story, the last 2 years have been filled with cancer diagnosis and a LOT of chemo, relentless surgeries, losing a baby, and very long hospital stays.

I'm married and have been with my husband for 11 years, married for 4. 1 DD.

We work for the same company but different departments.

I found out on Friday that he's has a 2.5 year long affair with a woman at work. The sick, sick thing is when I was in hospital fighting for my life, sobbing my heart out not knowing if I was going to survive, missing my husband and my little girl, he was TAKING our little girl with him to his antics with OW.
While I was there not knowing what my future held.

He had feelings for her. They 'stopped' when she got pregnant (she's had a long term boyfriend)
I know the baby isn't his as he is infertile and we had to have IVF for DD.

I am absolutely, utterly broken. Mortified. Humiliated.
I never ever ever saw this coming. Everyone thought he was the hero that stuck by me. The fantastic dad that took the reins when I was fighting for my life. I would've put my life on it that he would've never done this to me. There were no signs, nothing. He really was the love of my life. My soul mate and my best friend.

He told me earlier this year he didn't know how to fall in love with me again as he felt like he was my carer. This is not true as when I was home I was okay. I was only sick when I was in hospital.

Our sex life dwindled went down to 1-2 times a month whilst I was going through this. He also blames that.

He's now remorseful, having panic attacks, crying, self harming, etc.

I threw all of his bags and clothes out the window I'm ashamed to say. I wanted him to feel embarrassed and feel so small picking up his things in the pouring rain in front of a street of people.

What the fuck do I do and where the fuck do I start. I'm barely recovered. He's pleading the fifth now saying he loves me. But admitted he DID have feelings for her.

I can't go back to him I know that. I am so, so incredibly low. He let me blame myself when he told me he fell out of love for me.

I can't believe this is my life. I'm a good person with a good heart, I've loved him fiercely and loyally, I'm smart, I keep myself well presented even when times I was dying inside.

What was wrong with me. Why wasn't I enough.

He can't use my illness as an excuse as I only was critically poorly last year. This affair started 2.5 years ago.

I had absolutely no suspicions.

It was done under my nose at work and many many people at work new.

Eventually someone from work told me.
He drip fed me little bits and sore on our daughter's life that was it, then something else would come out and rinse and repeat.

I told her boyfriend, she admitted more to her boyfriend.

I then got them both on the phone in front of her boyfriend and me, and they both opened the flood gates.

Not the best way I know, but I got my answers.

Your are much stronger than you are giving yourself for. He\they have caused you serious trauma. You remove yourself as much as you possibly can from anyone who could do this to you. It maybe years before you feel ok, but it is better that than being knee deep in it everyday.

There is website called chump lady. It is run by a lovely American lady and there are folks on there from all over.
It is a support organisation for people like you and me who have been cheated on.
It really helps to read others stories. If you let it chump lady will help you see this was his bad moral character nothing to do with you.
And I know you won't believe this but it is actually a good humoured sort of place and the lady who runs it makes me laugh out loud with her mocking of cheaters like your ex and mine.

Oh no this is one of the worst things I have read on here. What a prize bastard he is. He is the lowest of the low.

I’m so terribly, terribly sorry op that you have been betrayed so horribly by this awful cowardly scroat of a man.

He is utterly unworthy of any respect so please do not give this hideous behaviour any weight in your mind. This is not a rejection of you. This is him wanting his cake and eating it and thinking he could get away with it.

I hope he thinks destroying a family is worth it.

You are a strong woman and you have been through hell. You can come out the other side even stronger. Don’t let him break you. He is not worth it. You and your dd are worth everything x

Your life has changed beyond recognition with everything you've been through.

It's like a large wrecking ball has come along and smashed up your life. But you know what? When you wait for the dust to settle down, you will clearly see what's left and those will be the only things that are important. You and your daughter.

You ARE enough. You always were...all along.

He, however, is not the man you thought he was. When the chips were down and he was put to the test, the part where he gets the chance to made good on the promises he made to you when you married, he failed...and how!

Now you know. It's a horrible, horrible betrayal, but now you know what he's made of and it isn't honour, loyalty or integrity.

Of course, you need to get all your anger out and grieve, but then I'd contact a good lawyer and start making plans to move on and never look back.

There are some awful betrayal stories on MN and they have come through the other side and are actually happier in the end. This will happen for you too. We're all here to support you.

You can come back from this, you really, really can. You and your daughter can have a great life without him.

That is indeed a fantastic site.

What an absolute bastard

Stop blaming yourself

Get angry and get a good lawyer

So sorry op, what he's done is actually evil

Some men really are the pits. He lied to you and then swore on his daughter's life??!

It is going to be hard, but you need to stay strong for your DD. He has shown that he will not put her first so you have to.

Sending you strength.

Honestly if I knew you both in real life I'd take a swing at him for you myself!

Please don't feel humiliated.

All you did was trust your husband implicitly. Like you should be able to!

Believe me, everyone who knows what your husband did will think he's the scum of the earth.

You have nothing to feel humiliated about - your conscience is clear.

He did many times. Our precious little girl who we fought so hard to have going through IVF.

He is the lowest of the low.

No one deserves to be treated like this.
There is absolutely no coming back from this.

He’s fucked himself over because now neither woman wants him.

Kick him out and then just take it one day at a time.
When you’re ready you can think about divorce etc but right now you need to focus on just processing it all.

Do you see him at work?
I would think about telling your boss and asking if there’s any way to do some home working or different shifts, so you don’t bump into him.
You could even get a doctors note and have some time off but you might find that you prefer the distraction of work.

This happened to me. I am 2 years on and in such a good place now. My ex blamed it all on me and my illness and 'I didn't sign up for this' (well yes you did!)
He actually listed all the things I apparently was doing wrong in our relationship! Complete blame shifting.
No responsibility for his 2 year affair living a double life.
I found Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life book really helpful in understanding what happened and feel better.
I am no longer treading on egg shells constantly worried I am a disappointment. My son and I are free and it is an AMAZING feeling. He is living in a shit hole unable to fend for himself as I did everything trying to make a go of it with the OW who has not even left her husband yet 2 years on in a total train wreck of a relationship hilarious to watch.
It feels awful now I know it does but you are better off without such an awful selfish person you deserve better we all do.

Sending you love and support. This will be hard but you've already shown how strong and resilient you are. Take all the time you need, allow yourself to do the bare minimum, let him step up with things if needs be.
Take some time to process the feelings. You probably feel angry, let yourself be angry, basically do what you need to do - after what you've been through you deserve that for yourself.
You ARE enough, you have a wonderful daughter, you can do this. You're so strong and he has shown himself to be weak and cowardly. He's the problem not you.

If you can survive all of that you can survive this, even if it doesn’t feel like you can survive it some days. You are strong and you are capable. Tell him you’re done for good, any contact is only to be about your daughter and he can get emotional support and talk about self harming with a therapist, as that’s not your role. Tell all your friends and family what has happened and gather them around you so you can borrow their strength and utilise their support, Play rise up on repeat. Try to find little pockets of happiness in each day. Whether it’s the sun on your face, your child’s laugh or the smell of a new candle. Seek some kind of talking support for yourself. Talk to a professional about your finances to make sure you’re getting all you’re entitled and have less to stress about. Finally, remember the you of a years time will look back with wonder at how you navigated all these challenges and came out fighting and thriving 💕

OP I am so sorry for you. This isn’t about you not being enough - that’s a horrible set of circumstances and actions. I say this as someone who has been there, please don’t wallow in the ‘what did I do wrong’ space - you didn’t, he did. What happens next is on your terms. Tell your friends, family - whoever can support you. Cuddle your baby and make a plan that moves you and them forward. You are strong, you didn’t deserve to be treated like this and you will be happy again.

I am so sorry. What an utter cunt.

Time to get angry op.

Just wow! I cannot think of anything to say. No words to make you feel better or words to describe awful your husband has been or how terrified you must have felt!
book a holiday…go away with your DD and relax for a week and then deal with it when you get back!

OP, I don't think it's that uncommon- men who leave or cheat when their wives are ill. I seem to recall reading an article about it- I suppose what I am saying is it is not you in any way shape or form- it's his weakness.

Second this!! Nothing wrong with you OP.

I'm just utterly mortified. It happened under my nose at work and SO many people at work new. I always keep work separate with home life so I have acquaintances but no close friends as such so nobody told me.

On the odd occasion I came into the office they made the agreement they wouldn't come near each other.

They would FaceTime every night while I was sat with a defib next to me in a hospital bed.

It's the fact he took my daughter. She would say hi to her on FaceTime. It's the lowest of the low.

Just because our sex went to 2 times a month, he couldn't keep his hands to himself.

You have nothing to be mortified about. All of the office will be thinking what scum they are so if anyone should be mortified it should be them.
Taking your daughter was unforgivable

You trusted your husband.

Everyone at work would hope they can trust their partners too.

I can't think of anyone who wouldn't think he is a complete lowlife. Except for the OW and she's obviously cut from the same cloth.

Stay strong!

Oh my god, he is a total shitbag.

I understand feeling mortified. I would too.

BUT you shouldn’t.

I am telling you now, majority of people would be disgusted in your workplace to know what he was doing. Yes they may have known about it but as you say they are only acquaintances. No one is going to get involved and tell you. Besides which it surely is better you didn’t know at that time - you needed all your strength to live, not deal with with a complete schmuck.