I need help I can't do this anymore

[fuckingheartbroken]

Back story, the last 2 years have been filled with cancer diagnosis and a LOT of chemo, relentless surgeries, losing a baby, and very long hospital stays.

I'm married and have been with my husband for 11 years, married for 4. 1 DD.

We work for the same company but different departments.

I found out on Friday that he's has a 2.5 year long affair with a woman at work. The sick, sick thing is when I was in hospital fighting for my life, sobbing my heart out not knowing if I was going to survive, missing my husband and my little girl, he was TAKING our little girl with him to his antics with OW.
While I was there not knowing what my future held.

He had feelings for her. They 'stopped' when she got pregnant (she's had a long term boyfriend)
I know the baby isn't his as he is infertile and we had to have IVF for DD.

I am absolutely, utterly broken. Mortified. Humiliated.
I never ever ever saw this coming. Everyone thought he was the hero that stuck by me. The fantastic dad that took the reins when I was fighting for my life. I would've put my life on it that he would've never done this to me. There were no signs, nothing. He really was the love of my life. My soul mate and my best friend.

He told me earlier this year he didn't know how to fall in love with me again as he felt like he was my carer. This is not true as when I was home I was okay. I was only sick when I was in hospital.

Our sex life dwindled went down to 1-2 times a month whilst I was going through this. He also blames that.

He's now remorseful, having panic attacks, crying, self harming, etc.

I threw all of his bags and clothes out the window I'm ashamed to say. I wanted him to feel embarrassed and feel so small picking up his things in the pouring rain in front of a street of people.

What the fuck do I do and where the fuck do I start. I'm barely recovered. He's pleading the fifth now saying he loves me. But admitted he DID have feelings for her.

I can't go back to him I know that. I am so, so incredibly low. He let me blame myself when he told me he fell out of love for me.

I can't believe this is my life. I'm a good person with a good heart, I've loved him fiercely and loyally, I'm smart, I keep myself well presented even when times I was dying inside.

What was wrong with me. Why wasn't I enough.

He can't use my illness as an excuse as I only was critically poorly last year. This affair started 2.5 years ago.

Im Just so low I can't eat I am utterly exhausted, I just can't believe he's done this to me. Everyone is so shocked as everyone is saying 'we thought you two were the perfect couple' I thought we were.

He's claiming he loves me so much but how can you do this to someone you love. He's crying and begging for our family back. But he put her over me and risked everything when I needed him the most so how could he love me? There was feelings involved for her but he said that his feelings for her never surpassed his feelings for me.

So the 'friendship' started 2.5 years ago, but the cheating started about a year ago but the cheating was over a 6 month period I think from what I can gather.

I feel so so sick.

I thought it was a 2.5 long year affair but it started as a friendship that grew over time.

But still, cheating is cheating, no matter the time frame.

I'm so mortified to go into work. The whole office is talking about it. Managers have pulled teams at work in to meetings to stop everyone from talking about it as this is my real life and this is what I'm dealing with.

How can I work there. My career I've worked so damn hard for. I feel like it's been taken from me.

Let me tell you ..,

you are MORE than enough you are an absolute machine beating cancer.

I know it doesn’t feel it now but I’ve come out of an abusive (physical emotional mental ) relationship and never thought I could feel better. Here I am excited for our first Christmas in our safe space.

different circumstances but I want you to know there is light at the end of the tunnel.

it’s going to hurt but hopefully the hurt will turn to anger … and then the best bit is when you just don’t care any more.

I can’t tell you how long it will take but it comes..

in the mean time , push yourself to go for a walk , get fresh air .. go and see some Christmas lights soon.

you are enough , your a mummy that’s beaten cancer. You will come out of this xxx

I'm so sorry. There really is nothing to say, what an awful, awful situation this vile little pustule of a man has put you in. The level of disrespect is honestly astounding.

Are you able to take a week or two off work? I think you need some headspace and recovery time, rather than to be surrounded by people who know what a shit your husband is while you're at your lowest.

If it's any tiny consolation at all I think the vast majority of them will be feeling nothing but sympathy for you - I know I would if I heard someone in my office had been treated so appallingly.

You can and you will OP
you are strong and resilient
one step, one hour, one day at a time
im sure there’s a list on mn somewhere of things to sort ie finances , insurance, mortgage/rent and stuff

He’s a complete arsehole. You’re doing the right thing ending this for good, you can’t turn back the clock. He’s massively betrayed you.

"I'm so mortified to go into work. The whole office is talking about it. Managers have pulled teams at work in to meetings to stop everyone from talking about it as this is my real life and this is what I'm dealing with.

How can I work there. My career I've worked so damn hard for. I feel like it's been taken from me."

I do understand that this must feel horrendous. But YOU can go in with your head held high. Him and her not so much. He is the one who will need to leave. Don't let the bastard take your career from you too.

Men are cunts. This one has taken even that statement to new heights.

The emotional turmoil you're going through now OP means you shouldn't make any long term decisions in the short term - except to leave him - what I mean is don't resign from your job. You need to ride out the crazy thoughts and feelings that would be overwhelming anyone in your situation. It's part of the process of making sense of a terrible situation. So you can go on, you will go on and in a little time your mind will settle and you will have more perspective. He'll still be a cunt but you will have unshakable certainty that none of this was your fault and perhaps even (I hope it's not too soon to say this) you will be stronger for all of this. You have a future. He doesn't. He'll never find a truly happy relationship because men like that aren't capable of forming fully trusting, equal relationships. They're too selfish and immature.

I wouldn't worry about going into the office. Hold your head high. He did this. Anyone gossiping about it has zero integrity. And I dare say many people will be feeling rather guilty about knowing and doing nothing. I'd be very surprised if you don't have a few people coming up to you apologise and emphasise. I predict you will end up with at least one close friendship with a colleague as a result of this. He should resign. Or be sacked if this behaviour has also brought the organisation into disrepute. Did the two of them do anything which might constitute gross misconduct? Worth asking if anyone has investigated this and if not asking for it to be done. There should at the very least be arrangements put in place to relocate him away from you so you don't have to see him in work.

Employers have a duty of care.
People who are cunts will be on your side.
You are the victim in this.
He is the perpetrator.
Do not let him hurt you any longer.

Of course at the end of my post it should say people who AREN'T cunts will be on your side.

Why do smart phones always make the typo that actually fundamentally changes a point to the opposite of what we mean?! Aargh! All worked up because of OPs hideous ex!

OP you can get through this, you've already been through worse.

Work, those people will all be in your side, walk in with dignity.

It's an unforgivable betrayal. Once you are through the shock you need to get ahead of the separation agreement and focus the conversation away from your relationship with him.

Every time he pleads you say it's over how are we going to co-parent.

Get IRL support from close friends/family.

I'm so sorry, what an piece of work he his.

i’m so sorry you’re going through this. 💐💐

Op
I'm so sorry for theta you're going through but you need to remember that at work yea it will be discussed for a while but

1. the discussion will all be around what an absolute bell end he is
2. it will also be around what a bitch she is to do that to her boyfriend and her sick colleague You are totally blameless in all this 3 like all gossip it will soon die down and be replaced by some other bit of news. That's just how work places are.

You're right op. You can never never take him back. A man who can do that to his seriously Ill wife is a man without redemption .

It happens a lot, I’ve had patients with strokes in nursing homes whose dh visit with their new gf in tow more than once.

He’s defective. He’s not long term partner material. He’s not going to kill himself they never do they just want everything to stay the same so they can crack on with a home life and an affair.

Unfortunately it’s known in healthcare that if a man gets cancer the wife will stay and care for them but if a woman gets cancer the man will leave or cheat.

Put a claim for child maintenance, change the council tax bill to single occupancy and go from there. You can see your dr to get signed off with stress they’re quite used to it. You can’t be expected to carry on like nothings happened.

Don’t take him back for him to wait for another woman with a house paid off to come along because I’ve seen that happen 3 times to women whose dh cheated and they forgave time and time again and then one day they found themselves left for another woman with a house all paid off.

Don’t forget legal bills can be paid out of house sales, we did this when dh split with his ex. He paid £100 upfront and then signed to say he’d pay out of the house sale which they were fine with because the conveyancing solicitors pay them first.

You can get a share of his pension pot which is what they really panic about, it’s cheaper to get your wife to take you back than divorce.

Dhs colleague agreed to his dw having all the house in exchange for leaving his pension alone.

OP you are enough. You are more than enough. This is one of the worst posts I’ve read on here.

I am so sorry this has happened to you. Take things step by step, hour by hour and please be kind to yourself.

Trust me you can go back to work because anybody with a shred of decency will be on your side and be supportive. It must have been awkward for them knowing what was going on and how could they tell you when you were so ill . They think your partner is a scum bag , Hopefully him and this woman will move on before you go back

@Crazycrazylady

Your post was spot on .

OP you go in there with your head held high. You have done NOTHING wrong. You have absolutely nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed of.

Work colleagues talk. Fact if life. But I bet my last pound that they are talking about what a fucking scumbag he is and how he could possibly do that to you. They will want to support you but probably won't know how or whether to even approach you (as you said you don't have close friendships at work). It's up to you how much you show them your hurt and if you accept any support.

The first day will be monumentally shit. Could you go in for just a few hours maybe? Get it over and done with?

Your cheating wankstain husband will be the one everyone whispers about, and will have to face the reality of what he has done.

He made his bed. He can bloody well lie in it.

You are free. The world is yours my love. Straighten that crown and do it for your precious daughter. Show her what a strong woman is (and fake it until you feel it for real).

You are the hero in this story. He is a scumbag who let you down repeatedly when you needed him the most. You have survived this horrendous time you will certainly survive his betrayal. Reach out to family or friends you can trust for the love and support you deserve.

He is lower than scum.

I'm so sorry you're going through this, but I promise you it will get easier. You will thrive.

You are more than enough, so much more.

Not only carried it on when the op was critically sick, but involved their fucking daughter, AND THEN had the audacity to blame the op for his actions!! He doesn’t give a shiny shite about you op. What an absolute piece of shit!

Life threatening illnesses can make people react in ways they may not do normally. This is absolutely not an excuse but maybe that's one of the reasons it happened if it was out of character. Maybe he couldn't cope with the thought of being alone ?

You are absolutely right in getting him to leave

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. It's appalling and shocking. You have NOTHING to be ashamed of and no reason to ask what you did that made you not good enough. HE has acted shamefully. HE has shown he is not good enough. Everyone at his work who knew will have judged HIM as the heartless, selfish, horrible little scrap of pond scum he is. They will have compassion for you, as everyone here does, and as you go on to build a new and better life without him, everyone around you will respect and admire you, even more, too.

Regarding work, if you have a manager you can trust and open up to, speak to them. Make a plan together for how you can have the best experience there possible. Make sure they have your back - it sounds like they already do. Ask for whatever you want and need. People love to gossip out of boredom, but most people are fundamentally kind.

I can tell you're strong even if you don't feel it now.

You have your beautiful daughter.

Please lean on ALL your trusted family and friends. They will be there for you if you take the steps to reach out.

Take some time off work to gather yourself and by the time you’re ready to go back it won’t be such new news to all and won’t be a hot topic. Work can use the time to be really clear gossip about it won’t be tolerated and when you go back you can do it with your head held high