I need help I can't do this anymore

[fuckingheartbroken]

Back story, the last 2 years have been filled with cancer diagnosis and a LOT of chemo, relentless surgeries, losing a baby, and very long hospital stays.

I'm married and have been with my husband for 11 years, married for 4. 1 DD.

We work for the same company but different departments.

I found out on Friday that he's has a 2.5 year long affair with a woman at work. The sick, sick thing is when I was in hospital fighting for my life, sobbing my heart out not knowing if I was going to survive, missing my husband and my little girl, he was TAKING our little girl with him to his antics with OW.
While I was there not knowing what my future held.

He had feelings for her. They 'stopped' when she got pregnant (she's had a long term boyfriend)
I know the baby isn't his as he is infertile and we had to have IVF for DD.

I am absolutely, utterly broken. Mortified. Humiliated.
I never ever ever saw this coming. Everyone thought he was the hero that stuck by me. The fantastic dad that took the reins when I was fighting for my life. I would've put my life on it that he would've never done this to me. There were no signs, nothing. He really was the love of my life. My soul mate and my best friend.

He told me earlier this year he didn't know how to fall in love with me again as he felt like he was my carer. This is not true as when I was home I was okay. I was only sick when I was in hospital.

Our sex life dwindled went down to 1-2 times a month whilst I was going through this. He also blames that.

He's now remorseful, having panic attacks, crying, self harming, etc.

I threw all of his bags and clothes out the window I'm ashamed to say. I wanted him to feel embarrassed and feel so small picking up his things in the pouring rain in front of a street of people.

What the fuck do I do and where the fuck do I start. I'm barely recovered. He's pleading the fifth now saying he loves me. But admitted he DID have feelings for her.

I can't go back to him I know that. I am so, so incredibly low. He let me blame myself when he told me he fell out of love for me.

I can't believe this is my life. I'm a good person with a good heart, I've loved him fiercely and loyally, I'm smart, I keep myself well presented even when times I was dying inside.

What was wrong with me. Why wasn't I enough.

He can't use my illness as an excuse as I only was critically poorly last year. This affair started 2.5 years ago.

I mean no one you work with is going to say "well she got cancer and couldn't have sex as often so obviously it was her fault" are they?

*I'm so mortified to go into work. The whole office is talking about it. Managers have pulled teams at work in to meetings to stop everyone from talking about it as this is my real life and this is what I'm dealing with.

How can I work there. My career I've worked so damn hard for. I feel like it's been taken from me.*

You hold your head high. It's horrible but you have nothing to be mortified for. They do, and everyone knows that they had an affair while you were fighting cancer, so will be judging them for it. The gossips will gossip unfortunately but it will die down soon, could you take next week off?

You hold your head high at work no-one will be thinking any less of you. All the shame/guilt is on him. The OW should also be ashamed (what kind of woman opens her legs in those circumstances) Disgusting behaviour by both them - You have the moral high ground here you are the decent person & believe me everyone in your work place will know this. I hope the "leg-openers" boyfriend also shows her the door. Stay strong for your little girl she needs you & can never rely on that piece of filth called her father.

I said previously his cheating started before I was poorly.

Exactly the words that went through my head when I read the OP, @overthinkersanonnymus .

He is a selfish shit, OP. You, on the other hand, are a fighter - you've proved that already. Once you're over the shock of this appalling betrayal, you will find the strength to heal and rebuild your life.

My heart really goes out to you, but remember: this too will pass. Get support from anywhere and everywhere you can. Don't worry about what your colleagues will think, the ones that are decent will realise that him and his bit on the side have behaved appallingly and focus on being the best you possibly can. Hold your head high, even if you have to fake it initially. Lean on those who love you and respect you and who have your best interests at heart.

He is an unspeakable, dishonourable, callous piece of shit and you are better off without him.

Did you try to arrange the counselling OP? 🌸x

@FormerlyPathologicallyHappy
So if she hadn't got cancer, and just didn't fancy sex as often, would it have been her fault? I realise this isn't what you meant, but your train of thought is a bit off. We are NOT obligated to have sex with them - regardless of our state of health. Men who leave because they aren't getting enough sex are scum because, chances are the reason they aren't getting enough sex is them. Not us!!!!

My train of thoughts fine your taking it out of context to suit your narrative.