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Original poster

I need help I can't do this anymore

108 replies

fuckingheartbroken · 09/11/2023 10:29

Back story, the last 2 years have been filled with cancer diagnosis and a LOT of chemo, relentless surgeries, losing a baby, and very long hospital stays.

I'm married and have been with my husband for 11 years, married for 4. 1 DD.

We work for the same company but different departments.

I found out on Friday that he's has a 2.5 year long affair with a woman at work. The sick, sick thing is when I was in hospital fighting for my life, sobbing my heart out not knowing if I was going to survive, missing my husband and my little girl, he was TAKING our little girl with him to his antics with OW.
While I was there not knowing what my future held.

He had feelings for her. They 'stopped' when she got pregnant (she's had a long term boyfriend)
I know the baby isn't his as he is infertile and we had to have IVF for DD.

I am absolutely, utterly broken. Mortified. Humiliated.
I never ever ever saw this coming. Everyone thought he was the hero that stuck by me. The fantastic dad that took the reins when I was fighting for my life. I would've put my life on it that he would've never done this to me. There were no signs, nothing. He really was the love of my life. My soul mate and my best friend.

He told me earlier this year he didn't know how to fall in love with me again as he felt like he was my carer. This is not true as when I was home I was okay. I was only sick when I was in hospital.

Our sex life dwindled went down to 1-2 times a month whilst I was going through this. He also blames that.

He's now remorseful, having panic attacks, crying, self harming, etc.

I threw all of his bags and clothes out the window I'm ashamed to say. I wanted him to feel embarrassed and feel so small picking up his things in the pouring rain in front of a street of people.

What the fuck do I do and where the fuck do I start. I'm barely recovered. He's pleading the fifth now saying he loves me. But admitted he DID have feelings for her.

I can't go back to him I know that. I am so, so incredibly low. He let me blame myself when he told me he fell out of love for me.

I can't believe this is my life. I'm a good person with a good heart, I've loved him fiercely and loyally, I'm smart, I keep myself well presented even when times I was dying inside.

What was wrong with me. Why wasn't I enough.

He can't use my illness as an excuse as I only was critically poorly last year. This affair started 2.5 years ago.

OP posts:
Ratfinkstinkypink · 09/11/2023 16:50

You have nothing to feel mortified about he, on the other hand...well I am just speechless.

Londonrach1 · 09/11/2023 16:54

Op you are a brave amazing woman as shown by how strong you have been. He has betrayed you when you needed him the most. You can do this but not with that lowlife. You deserve so much more than him. Make a life for you and your dad. X

Maray1967 · 09/11/2023 16:55

He is a disgusting piece of filth. This has to be about the worst case of betrayal I’ve ever read.

I hope you can draw strength from people who care for you and build a new life for you and your daughter.

He deserves nothing but contempt.

Londonrach1 · 09/11/2023 16:56

I bet your work colleagues are as shocked by tbh his disgusting behaviour. It's just awful. Worse thing I've ever read on here.

misssunshine4040 · 09/11/2023 16:57

What an absolute scum bag.
You are enough, more than enough.

You have been through some of the worst that life can throw at you and you are still fighting.
You don't need him, fuck that.
I'm so angry for you and I don't even know you. If he was mine son I couldn't even look at him if he treated his wife this way.

You do whatever you feel is right for you but don't ever question your worth. This man is has no morals and has betrayed in the absolute worst way possible.

You will make an amazing life without him xx

Quitelikeit · 09/11/2023 16:59

I am so sorry this happened to you. What a vile sick, pathetic excuse for a man.

I am deeply disgusted on your behalf.

You beat cancer and you can beat this.

It is going to hurt but time is a healer. You will move on from this. Happiness is the best revenge ever.

LoveTheSoundOfRain · 09/11/2023 17:13

They sound like a pair of scum bags who deserve each other. The fact they can treat you like this when you were going through such a horrific time tells you everything that you need to know about what is at the core of them. They have dark souls and you deserve better. The fact he took your daughter with him to see the OW makes my skin crawl. I’m so sorry you find yourself in this situation.
To have endured all that you have you must be an incredibly strong woman. Use this strength to rid yourself of him and rebuild your life. I understand it hurts like hell right now though.
I hope you have a bright and happy future ahead of you. I hope his life turns to shit.

Original poster
fuckingheartbroken · 09/11/2023 19:16

This is literally the hardest thing of my life. I can't see a way forward.

OP posts:
Popperzip · 09/11/2023 19:21

WHAT A LITTLE PRICK

OP you can do this and you can move forward it may not seem it now, but your DD needs you. I’m literally ashamed for you over your husband, he’s a horrible person.

Im so sorry for what you’ve been through

MaliciaKeys · 09/11/2023 19:25

There is a way forward.
Kick your scummy husband out.
Rebuild your life with your daughter.
You have dignity, he has none.
He is utterly despicable.

Guesswho88 · 09/11/2023 19:31

Practically speaking now, I would ring your GP with a view to getting counselling ASAP. Or perhaps if there are therapy services in your area ring them direct. I rang in April for something and got my first face to face appointment in August, but I think they review appointments due to the severity of the problem. I was disappointed with the 4 month wait but it actually soon came round and at the time I just didn't really care about anything any more, I basically thought the world was against me anyway so I was resigned to it and I kind of thought before I rang there would be a wait. I had a friend who was suicidal a few years ago and she got seen pretty much straight away. Either way start making enquiries now, if you do one thing tomorrow make it that and report back we will be waiting to hear from you. I had to do a telephone assessment first which took about 30-40 minutes, it wasn't that bad. xx

WavyLines11 · 09/11/2023 19:32

fuckingheartbroken · 09/11/2023 19:16

This is literally the hardest thing of my life. I can't see a way forward.

You've fought for your life, you've been though cancer and serious illness. It might not feel like it right now but you can do this Flowers

Whatintheworldgirl · 09/11/2023 19:37

fuckingheartbroken · 09/11/2023 10:29

Back story, the last 2 years have been filled with cancer diagnosis and a LOT of chemo, relentless surgeries, losing a baby, and very long hospital stays.

I'm married and have been with my husband for 11 years, married for 4. 1 DD.

We work for the same company but different departments.

I found out on Friday that he's has a 2.5 year long affair with a woman at work. The sick, sick thing is when I was in hospital fighting for my life, sobbing my heart out not knowing if I was going to survive, missing my husband and my little girl, he was TAKING our little girl with him to his antics with OW.
While I was there not knowing what my future held.

He had feelings for her. They 'stopped' when she got pregnant (she's had a long term boyfriend)
I know the baby isn't his as he is infertile and we had to have IVF for DD.

I am absolutely, utterly broken. Mortified. Humiliated.
I never ever ever saw this coming. Everyone thought he was the hero that stuck by me. The fantastic dad that took the reins when I was fighting for my life. I would've put my life on it that he would've never done this to me. There were no signs, nothing. He really was the love of my life. My soul mate and my best friend.

He told me earlier this year he didn't know how to fall in love with me again as he felt like he was my carer. This is not true as when I was home I was okay. I was only sick when I was in hospital.

Our sex life dwindled went down to 1-2 times a month whilst I was going through this. He also blames that.

He's now remorseful, having panic attacks, crying, self harming, etc.

I threw all of his bags and clothes out the window I'm ashamed to say. I wanted him to feel embarrassed and feel so small picking up his things in the pouring rain in front of a street of people.

What the fuck do I do and where the fuck do I start. I'm barely recovered. He's pleading the fifth now saying he loves me. But admitted he DID have feelings for her.

I can't go back to him I know that. I am so, so incredibly low. He let me blame myself when he told me he fell out of love for me.

I can't believe this is my life. I'm a good person with a good heart, I've loved him fiercely and loyally, I'm smart, I keep myself well presented even when times I was dying inside.

What was wrong with me. Why wasn't I enough.

He can't use my illness as an excuse as I only was critically poorly last year. This affair started 2.5 years ago.

Firstly I am so so sorry your poor soul and body has been going through so much. You are so brave and so strong. Your little girl will see how amazing you have been. What an outstanding role model. As for him...

I won't come at you with loads of hate. I know that probably won't help. As much as I'd like to call him every name under the sun and offer to cheese grater his thingy 😡 how you react and what you accept from him all depends on if you love him and want him in your life. Personally, I'm sure most on this thread would tell him to get lost and never come back. Allow him to be 'the hero' in his own mind and pretend to yourself that that's all he was good for. Someone to cry to, someone to visit you while you were lonely (I know how lonely and vulnerable the hospital can make you feel). You deserve better. You are more enough than he ever will be BUT you're recovering. What will help you in this moment in time? Do you have support to help with DD? Do you have support to help you with meds and resting when you need too? If you have these two things covered then you really don't need him around. Not that you NEED anyone but I think it's time for you to be a bit selfish, you've faught so hard and for so long, you need to look at what's going to make your life easier. He's been selfish for 2.5 damn years, fuck him. Arsehole

theonlygirl · 09/11/2023 19:38

At some point, hopefully soon, your despair and embarrassment will turn to rage, as it should. Then you will find the strength to kick this utterly, vile excuse for a human to the curb and never look back. Honestly, there are no words for his behaviour. Don't try to understand why, it's simple, he is disgusting. Time to move on, to a better life without him. Don't waste anymore time. The rest of your life awaits you. You can do it. 💐

ReadySalty · 09/11/2023 19:41

You can do this - you are strong.

He can't - he is weak.

I send you so much strength and luck.

Fuck him.

porridgecake · 09/11/2023 19:41

There is nothing, NOTHING wrong with you at all. He is disgusting, disloyal and doesn't deserve to have a loving wife and a child.
I strongly suggest you get this thread moved to the relationships board where you will get loads of advice and support to get through this. Flowers

Bluetrews25 · 09/11/2023 20:11

Turn your hurt into ANGER.
How dare he?

When you dive to the bottom of the pool you kick against it and go the only way you can - upwards.

You are STRONG
You have fought for your life
This is minor compared to that.

Things will get better.

SoFuckingTired · 09/11/2023 20:17

fuckingheartbroken · 09/11/2023 14:50

I'm just utterly mortified. It happened under my nose at work and SO many people at work new. I always keep work separate with home life so I have acquaintances but no close friends as such so nobody told me.

On the odd occasion I came into the office they made the agreement they wouldn't come near each other.

They would FaceTime every night while I was sat with a defib next to me in a hospital bed.

It's the fact he took my daughter. She would say hi to her on FaceTime. It's the lowest of the low.

Just because our sex went to 2 times a month, he couldn't keep his hands to himself.

It is absolutely NOT because your sex life dwindled to 1-2 tines per month. It is because HE is not the best friend you thought he was. This is ALL on HIM, not you. I'm so so sorry. Please don't accept any blame for HIS selfish actions. Think only of you and your lovely daughter Flowers

2mummies1baby · 09/11/2023 20:22

I can't even imagine how you are feeling right now, OP. But I do know you will recover from this. It will be horrendously difficult and take a long time but you absolutely will-you are a survivor. You have a little girl who is your reason for living- focus everything on her while you get through the next few days and weeks. Xxx

Fairospop22 · 09/11/2023 20:35

@fuckingheartbroken

you are stronger than you realise. You can get through this. You have dealt with loss and illness. You fought to get your beautiful DD, she and yourself are the only people who matter here.

Sending lots of love and strength your way.

capabilityfrowns · 09/11/2023 20:41

There isn't any going back from this . His cruelty is staggering.

Let yourself grieve but next week consult a solicitor. If he stays now it's never going to get better.

I'm so sorry . He's a shit.

sunshinesky · 09/11/2023 21:54

He is an utter bastard and she is a complete bitch, all the while knowing what you were going through and meeting your daughter. People at work who know (and lots won't) will be thinking the same. Make it clear to colleagues you knew nothing about what was going on and they were both cruelly deceitful; they will be understanding and quietly supportive.

I'm so sorry you're going through this, I know it feels like you've been hit by a truck. You're in shock right now but as soon as that eases you need to get angry. Get a friend or relative to go to see a solicitor with you next week. Sort your finances and get copies of everything. I'm sorry to say this but you've had a glimpse of what a cold, selfish and cruel person he can be and this will get worse when he realises you won't be taking him back - you need support around you, and to be strong for your daughter. You have a tough few months ahead but a much happier future will follow with your lovely girl Flowers

Original poster
fuckingheartbroken · 09/11/2023 23:28

Guesswho88 · 09/11/2023 19:31

Practically speaking now, I would ring your GP with a view to getting counselling ASAP. Or perhaps if there are therapy services in your area ring them direct. I rang in April for something and got my first face to face appointment in August, but I think they review appointments due to the severity of the problem. I was disappointed with the 4 month wait but it actually soon came round and at the time I just didn't really care about anything any more, I basically thought the world was against me anyway so I was resigned to it and I kind of thought before I rang there would be a wait. I had a friend who was suicidal a few years ago and she got seen pretty much straight away. Either way start making enquiries now, if you do one thing tomorrow make it that and report back we will be waiting to hear from you. I had to do a telephone assessment first which took about 30-40 minutes, it wasn't that bad. xx

I will do this tomorrow i promise. Thank you

OP posts:
Pancakeorcrepe · 10/11/2023 00:48

Wow, he really is a scumbag. What an arsehole. You deserve so much better OP. You will never be able to trust this man anymore, what he did is disgusting.

Minibreak2023 · 10/11/2023 01:27

Ibravedaflood · 09/11/2023 10:36

He didn't just physically cheat he mentally betrayed you at the worst time. Time to forge a new path for yourself with dd. Leave that fucker in the gutter where he belongs...

this. please know that you'll be ok. You will get through this.