to not know how to buy things I want with "DH's money"

[ticklyboo]

None of this is a stealth boast, I would just like an insight into how others do this.
DH is my second relationship ever. My first relationship lasted 5 years and it was in my early 20s with a man who I believe took advantage of me financially (I paid for absolutely everything, meals out, holidays etc.) I was naive and I just complied. I used to dream of being in a relationship where my partner would treat me, be wined and dined etc. I am giving context because I feel like I don't have perspective of what normal is.

OK, and with DH we've been together 4 years, married 3 and have 7 month old DC. While dating DH would pay for dates etc, I would always offer to go halves but he never let me. It felt really nice being "treated" and tbh even to this day it doesn't feel normal being paid for despite being his wife. Genuinely I feel like my previous relationship has made me so awkward with money.

Last week, we made a joint account so I can have some spending money etc. On maternity leave I only get SMP and so far DH has just been transferring me money. DH is a much higher earner than me (he makes 4 times my salary).

Ok, so you now have all the context. Here's my problem that I'd like some advice on:
This is going to sound so shallow but here we go.. Before I met DH I planned on pursuing a career in banking because I have seen my brother do well in it and I wanted to be similarly comfortable. I quit my job as a scientist (I spent years on my PhD etc only to wind up in a job the pays £30k) to try and angle myself in a better position for a banking role. I settled for a halfway house job and then my subsequent role (and the current role I'm in now) is one step closer to a banking job.

Now I have DC it almost feels as if my career is on ice. I don't know how much I can commit to those hours and whether I want to be in a job that demands me to be in the office 12 hours a day. And whether I should wait until DC is a bit older before committing to that type of career. We would also like two more DC as soon as we can (I am 32 and DH is 41)

Basically, what happens to all my dreams? They're a bit superficial, but I've always wanted a nice watch or a nice handbag (I mean designer things). DH has a nice watch that he treated himself to, many many years ago and similar things. He is not at all a big spender, but does have a handful of high value items. I feel like I can't really spend DH's money on this stuff as I wasn't "there" yet in my career but had it not been for DC I would still be aiming for it all head first. I spoke to DH about it and he says to buy/use the money for the things I want.

But it doesn't feel right given I know he himself is not a big spender and also that maybe if it weren't for DH I would only be able to afford one very expensive thing every couple of years. But also, does that just mean wait until I'm 40something once DC are all in school? DH's career is totally unaffected by having children.

Anyway, I would love some insight into how others do joint money/treat themselves if they want to.

Thank you.

I've been married 23 years and money is just money in our house, we've never really considered that it might be more one person's than other others.

It all goes in one joint account.

So if you fancied treating yourself say once or twice a year, you would?

firsty are you going back to work once SMP is over ?
do you have private pension, if so whilst you are child rearing divert some money into that, he sounds like a sensible chap, and you should take every opportunity to keep your pension going..

Our money all goes into a joint account, for bills, food, cars, holidays, mortgage and kids expenses, and then an agreed amount that is the same for us both, goes into our own personal accounts. We then buy clothes, shoes, our own phones, and so on. I buy makeup and he spends on fancy trainers.

This is one of the reasons why we have separate finances. Once we've paid our share of the bills, the money that is left over is to do as we please.

Been married 35 years. All money just goes into joint account. We spend what we want. Only big ticket items get discussed. Neither of us have serious spending habits so noone feels as though they get more than the other. Items such as you mention would be a special birthday present from one to the other - even though paid for out of joint account. Christmas and birthday presents are usually something more expensive that we wouldn't ordinarily just buy for ourselves.

Same. I'm relieved that I don't need to put this level of thought in to what I buy. I earn a pretty good salary but my husband earns far more, probably 3 times as much. It all goes in to the one account and there's no distinction between his and mine. That said, I wouldn't be bothered about things like designer watches or handbags but we'd both discuss big purchases with each other and generally encourage each other to get what we want.

I would discuss a big purchase beforehand but if you’re putting your career on ice then you have to get more used to ‘our’ money. Would it be different if you weren’t on mat leave? If he paid proportionately for things and so you had more left over from your ‘own’ salary would you feel so guilty?

All our money goes into one account and is joint money. If DH or I want to buy anything 'big' we discuss it with eachother first. Neither of us are big spenders though so this works fine for us. I imagine if spending habits were less balanced this might not work so well.

We just have money, it’s all shared. I don’t work or have anything to do with handling/organising finances but I can buy myself stuff/go for coffee etc without feeling bad.

Saying that, I’m talking a dress in H&M or a box of chocolates- neither of us would spend substantial money without mentioning it to the other first.

Yes of course, it wouldn't matter who put more into the pot financially, when you consider how many different ways there are to contribute to a family and household.

Did you miss the part about her being on SMP?

The thing is, the answer will be different for every couple, so you really need to talk to him about how you feel and be really realistic about the sort of spending you mean (so he doesn't misunderstand and think you're worrying about paying for your Tesco shop). Lay it all out and see what he says and how he feels about it. Then you can either shop guilt free or you know you need to earn that Cartier watch yourself (insert shopping item of your choice where I've put Cartier watch).

Same here. We discuss bigger purchases say over £100... although DH bought himself a PlayStation 5 the other month for Christmas and didn't tell me until after.

I have no problem spending money, although I earn the same as DH so not sure how I would feel if I didn't earn as much.

Married but not to my children’s father. I work full time and he works part time but earns the same. All wages, child benefit, small amount of maintenance paid into one account.

Everything for all 4 of us comes out of the joint account, neither asks before spending. If it’s there we can use it, both aware of direct debits etc that come out so know not to be silly. Will discuss big purchases but if it is something I really want it would never be denied but I would discuss it as a matter of respect.

childcare, cleaning, all the same really, I think that’s what marriage is

Personally I think you’re looking at this all wrong… you have a low income, you weren’t established in your career before you stopped to have children, you’re now financially dependent on your DH. Are you planning to be a sahm until all three planned kids are in school? This seems risky. I would be thinking about boosting my income and pension so that if dh leaves, you aren’t left high and dry with a lifestyle you cannot afford.

As for treating myself - no, I wouldn’t dream of spending money DH had earned on high-value luxuries for myself. If he wanted to buy some something for a birthday gift me asked for ideas I might suggest range of options.

DH and I buy our own personal things and I work hard to have enough income to afford that, whilst I was on Mat leave I used my savings to fund my personal spends and contribution to mortgage and bills.

Your child is HIS child as well; this a mutual partnership and presumably it was a partnership choice about care of your mutual child. inn that situation it seems entirely reasonable that you should be able to use the mutual money as you see fit and he appears not to mind from what you say. He might have earned it but if you weren't around a good chunk would go on childcare!! Seems better spent on you have a few treats!!

I’ve never spent my husbands money. I would hate to ask for stuff. I was never a SAHM.

Now, we earn about the same amount but after equal bills I actually have more left over ( he gives his ex a stupid amount) so I buy whatever I want. I’d never feel comfortable buying a handbag or something extravagant that I couldn’t actually afford and didn’t pay for myself. A gift is fine, but I’d never spend money he worked hard for on myself like that.

We are both undecided about me returning to work. Before DC I would have assumed that I would just go back to work. Neither of us feel especially confident sending DC to daycare nursery. But also everyone's advice is for me to return to work, at least part time.

DH is generally very supportive. I do not feel like he would leave me high and dry.

All money is joint money in my marriage.

We both spend it as we see fit. Anything above a certain amount is done with agreement. My major spending is generally for the house (but, nice stuff: artwork, beautiful lamps, designer armchair etc) so I suppose you could say everyone benefits. DH's major spending is either for him (bike, but for commuting) or for the family (new car, stupid TV etc).

If I wanted a Chanel handbag.....I don't think I could do it. It's family money, just for me to carry my phone and keys around in. It's got nothing to do with who pays for it, just that it's exclusively for my enjoyment. That doesn't sit right with me. I can spend a grand on an armchair for the living room for everyone. I couldn't spend a grand on a handbag for me.

You’d need like 6k for a Chanel Handbag, but I get your point! ( I’ve been to buy one so many times but I just couldn’t justify the spend )

He might have earned it but if you weren't around a good chunk would go on childcare!!

This is such a shit arguement. If she wasn’t around there wouldn’t be a child.

Like a pp big personal items tend to be bought as birthday or Christmas presents in our house.

@ticklyboo
You said: "Basically, what happens to all my dreams?"

Well that's up to you. You either:
a) follow them and shove your kids in childcare for 12 hours a day,
b) take time out for 18 years to raise kids (they need LOTS of support when they're teenagers!)
c) get your DH to drop down a peg in his career so he has time to do the childcare and take paternity, with you returning to work full time after taking a few weeks off.

I work part time as a teacher and gave up my (well paid) career as an engineer as I wanted kids. What's the point of having kids if one of you isn't going to spend time raising them?!?!

Been married 27 years. DH earns much more than me. We have always had a joint account and everything for us jointly comes from that account. We then have our own accounts and we transfer an agreed amount to each ac on pay day for our own personal spends. Btw we both get same amount despite DH earning much more. I earn less because I was a sahm and I still work term time and do more at home like cooking every night and laundry etc.

If you do find a Chanel bag for a thousand pounds definitely buy it! Would be a brilliant investment- they’re 8 grand now! 😂