to not know how to buy things I want with "DH's money"

[ticklyboo]

None of this is a stealth boast, I would just like an insight into how others do this.
DH is my second relationship ever. My first relationship lasted 5 years and it was in my early 20s with a man who I believe took advantage of me financially (I paid for absolutely everything, meals out, holidays etc.) I was naive and I just complied. I used to dream of being in a relationship where my partner would treat me, be wined and dined etc. I am giving context because I feel like I don't have perspective of what normal is.

OK, and with DH we've been together 4 years, married 3 and have 7 month old DC. While dating DH would pay for dates etc, I would always offer to go halves but he never let me. It felt really nice being "treated" and tbh even to this day it doesn't feel normal being paid for despite being his wife. Genuinely I feel like my previous relationship has made me so awkward with money.

Last week, we made a joint account so I can have some spending money etc. On maternity leave I only get SMP and so far DH has just been transferring me money. DH is a much higher earner than me (he makes 4 times my salary).

Ok, so you now have all the context. Here's my problem that I'd like some advice on:
This is going to sound so shallow but here we go.. Before I met DH I planned on pursuing a career in banking because I have seen my brother do well in it and I wanted to be similarly comfortable. I quit my job as a scientist (I spent years on my PhD etc only to wind up in a job the pays £30k) to try and angle myself in a better position for a banking role. I settled for a halfway house job and then my subsequent role (and the current role I'm in now) is one step closer to a banking job.

Now I have DC it almost feels as if my career is on ice. I don't know how much I can commit to those hours and whether I want to be in a job that demands me to be in the office 12 hours a day. And whether I should wait until DC is a bit older before committing to that type of career. We would also like two more DC as soon as we can (I am 32 and DH is 41)

Basically, what happens to all my dreams? They're a bit superficial, but I've always wanted a nice watch or a nice handbag (I mean designer things). DH has a nice watch that he treated himself to, many many years ago and similar things. He is not at all a big spender, but does have a handful of high value items. I feel like I can't really spend DH's money on this stuff as I wasn't "there" yet in my career but had it not been for DC I would still be aiming for it all head first. I spoke to DH about it and he says to buy/use the money for the things I want.

But it doesn't feel right given I know he himself is not a big spender and also that maybe if it weren't for DH I would only be able to afford one very expensive thing every couple of years. But also, does that just mean wait until I'm 40something once DC are all in school? DH's career is totally unaffected by having children.

Anyway, I would love some insight into how others do joint money/treat themselves if they want to.

Thank you.

We have had a joint bank account since I was pregnant with our DC. I never returned to work full time, and have periods where I haven’t worked at all (currently a student). DH considers any money he earns as family money. In fairness, he is much more of a spender than I am but if I were to say I’d like to buy something, he wouldn’t bat an eyelid. Every relationship is different though. I know other people much prefer to keep their money separate, and there is nothing wrong with that either. Depends on the both of you.

How much???!!

You'd have to have A LOT of spare cash AFTER you've saved for your and your spouse's lifetime needs, your DCs' education and ideally house deposits, all family vacations, funded a rainy day account and STILL have that much money to spend on a handbag! I can't imagine many people have that sort of money lying around. For most, it would be a question of priorities, surely??

6 grand. Bloody hell.

Madamum He might have earned it but if you weren't around a good chunk would go on childcare!!

BIossomtoes ·This is such a shit argument. If she wasn’t around there wouldn’t be a child.

Rubbish, Plenty of circumstances where Mum might be around. Including if she went back to work a large chunk of the household income would go on childcare!

We started separating out for personal spends because I didn’t want him seeing any gifts I might buy him and also so that neither of us would question each other’s personal spends.

If you’ve dreamed of a designer watch as a symbol of your success is it the same if you buy it with dhs money? Is it the watch you want or is it the feeling of having earned it and “made it”?
mid you just want a nice watch and the family can afford it then buy it. But if it’s not going to give you that reward feeling you crave then don’t waste your money.
one alternative is to get it for a “big” birthday or wedding anniversary.

I know right. When I sold my house to buy a joint one with my now husband. I had the money. But I just couldn’t. Maybe when I’m 50 or something. I’ve got many bags but I’ve never spent over 2k. They have gone up so much in the last 5 years, great investment. But. Yeah. A lot.

And she’d be earning a proportion of that household income. It’s a rubbish argument and it annoys me every time I see it trotted out.

Would it help if you each had a certain amount of spending money each month?

I think it's really unfair that you feel like this. Obviously you don't feel it's your money and you are doing something and having children that you both want, but he is having children and has spare money as well.

Why don't you say to him look, I feel really horrible, not having my own money . If I was working full-time I would have my own money. Can we allocate a certain amount to each of us that we can spend on whatever we want?

All money goes into joint account, bills come out and we both have exactly the same 'spending money' which goes into our individual accounts.

I don't care what he spends his money on and vice versa. We are a team if equals, does not matter who earns most.

@FiveShelties you said it so much better than I did!

Because working parents still raise their children?

It's not just his money... it's yours too. You facilitated him earning it because you have stayed home with the baby.. you will be putting your career on the back burner to do childcare... if he was having to do these things he would earn less money. Therefore you did earn some of this money.
I don't understand some of these posters saying 'my husbands money'
If he were paying someone to do the childcare you are doing it would cost a fuck load more than what you are spending.
It doesn't sound like you've got much to worry about financially at the moment and he sounds like a decent man who knows the value of your labour.
Buy whatever you want. Consult him if its a big purchase say over 250 pounds.. but don't feel guilty about it. You are earning this money too.

All money is family money here as well. No his or mine and it works well for us .

@43ontherocksporfavor 😊

And she’d be earning a proportion of that household income. It’s a rubbish argument and it annoys me every time I see it trotted out.

She would but what has that got to do with it in terms of household income and how it is used? If a mutual partnership have made the decision to use one income for the family that is up to them!

Equally the argument you are making annoys me every time I see it so we clearly won't agree so lets leave it.

I hope the OP can find a way through for herself and her family!

So if you fancied treating yourself say once or twice a year, you would?

I have done it regularly for over 20 years.

My boyfriend and I have a joint account for bills and expenses. We pay for our personal items with our own money. He makes almost 3 times my salary. I’d feel embarrassed buying thousands of pounds worth of designer items knowing my boyfriend essentially paid for the entire thing.

There are plenty of threads on here from women who sacrificed their earnings for a financially abusive man, who they thought wouldn’t leave them high and dry. Make sure you’re aware of red flags, him ‘encouraging’ you to stay at home but also making noises about ‘his’ money etc. Whatever you decide just make sure you make an informed choice and have a back up plan should things go pear shaped. Tell him you want expensive things and if he doesn’t want to pay for them. He is older than you so has been there and done that so you might be at different life stages now in some ways so make sure he understands. If he doesn’t then there’s no reason why he should discourage you from working, especially if he earns well and can afford occasional Splurges. Like I said nothing wrong with him saying no but everything wrong with him discouraging you from working yourself to get these things. And you will get a lot of people judging you for wanting expensive luxury stuff, just ignore them. It’s not my thing now but I did like to treat myself when I was younger and during the time i was a sahm.

OP,

You have a PhD, you had ambition.

It seems like your designer items signified career success.

Are you really happy to put your professional success behind you?

We just see all money as family money. We don't have a joint account because it works out better for admin. But I don't put much more thought into frivolous purchases than I did before meeting DH, and we don't have to check with each other before we can buy anything for ourselves. I'm a sahm and DH is a high earner, though I have my own unearned income too.

You’re married.

Joint account for joint bills, expenses and savings.

Individual accounts for a mutually agreed equal amount of personal spending. You spend yours on what you like, he spends his on what he wants.

He sounds happy to share the wealth (as he should, because you’re married.) So don’t over complicate it.

(On the ‘luxury item’ front, specifically, this is what a delightfully named ‘push present’ is traditionally for - man treating mother of his child to a ring/piece of jewellery - watch, in your case? - for the labour of carrying and giving birth to his child.)

We both earn similar amounts, pay x amount into the joint account, y amount into savings and keep the rest

In your situation I'd have a joint account and separate, equal fun funds accounts

Pool everything, separate included. Pay bills, pensions, savings and split what's left

Then you can save for your own splurges

It's very different when you are married

I think this is entirely correct when you’re not married, and definitely not correct when you’re both married and have a child. Different circumstances change how you do things, and what’s right/fair.

You ask for them for Christmas?
You say the big ticket things your DH owns were bought years ago? So definitely before you had a child? Would he still choose to spend thousands, randomly, on a flashy watch for himself? Or would he keep that money for more practical, family oriented things?
My DH also earns 4 times my salary. Spending his earnings on my self does still feel a bit weird but I know he doesn’t begrudge me a penny. I don’t spend thousands on designer gear but I do occasionally buy something frivolous!