to not know how to buy things I want with "DH's money"

[ticklyboo]

None of this is a stealth boast, I would just like an insight into how others do this.
DH is my second relationship ever. My first relationship lasted 5 years and it was in my early 20s with a man who I believe took advantage of me financially (I paid for absolutely everything, meals out, holidays etc.) I was naive and I just complied. I used to dream of being in a relationship where my partner would treat me, be wined and dined etc. I am giving context because I feel like I don't have perspective of what normal is.

OK, and with DH we've been together 4 years, married 3 and have 7 month old DC. While dating DH would pay for dates etc, I would always offer to go halves but he never let me. It felt really nice being "treated" and tbh even to this day it doesn't feel normal being paid for despite being his wife. Genuinely I feel like my previous relationship has made me so awkward with money.

Last week, we made a joint account so I can have some spending money etc. On maternity leave I only get SMP and so far DH has just been transferring me money. DH is a much higher earner than me (he makes 4 times my salary).

Ok, so you now have all the context. Here's my problem that I'd like some advice on:
This is going to sound so shallow but here we go.. Before I met DH I planned on pursuing a career in banking because I have seen my brother do well in it and I wanted to be similarly comfortable. I quit my job as a scientist (I spent years on my PhD etc only to wind up in a job the pays £30k) to try and angle myself in a better position for a banking role. I settled for a halfway house job and then my subsequent role (and the current role I'm in now) is one step closer to a banking job.

Now I have DC it almost feels as if my career is on ice. I don't know how much I can commit to those hours and whether I want to be in a job that demands me to be in the office 12 hours a day. And whether I should wait until DC is a bit older before committing to that type of career. We would also like two more DC as soon as we can (I am 32 and DH is 41)

Basically, what happens to all my dreams? They're a bit superficial, but I've always wanted a nice watch or a nice handbag (I mean designer things). DH has a nice watch that he treated himself to, many many years ago and similar things. He is not at all a big spender, but does have a handful of high value items. I feel like I can't really spend DH's money on this stuff as I wasn't "there" yet in my career but had it not been for DC I would still be aiming for it all head first. I spoke to DH about it and he says to buy/use the money for the things I want.

But it doesn't feel right given I know he himself is not a big spender and also that maybe if it weren't for DH I would only be able to afford one very expensive thing every couple of years. But also, does that just mean wait until I'm 40something once DC are all in school? DH's career is totally unaffected by having children.

Anyway, I would love some insight into how others do joint money/treat themselves if they want to.

Thank you.

Neither of you feel especially confident, OP, but only one of you is financially vulnerable if you don't. And it's not your DH.

What people forget is that often the more senior you are in high flying careers, the more flexibility you have over your schedule.

Exactly. It's a reason why we didn't have a baby until we were both in more senior roles and now we can both be flexible which means one of us isn't the default parent and sacrificing our career.

DC certainly isn't in nursery 7-7 either despite us both working full time.

Your child is 7 months old.
Had you not gone on maternity at this point would you have been able to afford your big purchase by now in your current role?

This. I’m at a point in my career where I work from home 100% of the time, do all the pick ups and drop offs, watch all the navities, I even get involved at PTAs and host playdates. I just plan for it in my day and work around it.

I think an expensive purchase from a joint account should be discussed first. What we do is combine all money so it doesnt matter who earns what, we then have an equal allowance to our own accounts to spend or save or do what we want with so spending that money can be guilt free

I like finer things too... but I'm not sure I could buy designer watches and bags in this situation. I think you'd need to ask for them as presents.

I upgraded my Apple Watch to a S9 last month, and even that felt a bit elaborate - and I am the major breadwinner in my marriage, and was a lot less than most bags/watches. I did offer to upgrade DH's too, but he doesn't really wear/care about his as much.

I think part of the pride of having those things would be working for them. So that'd be a factor in my decision; plus that they'd only be enjoyed by me, rather than the whole family.

It's a family decision and you can obviously buy them anyway if you and he are happy, and it's not like you're not doing anything having and raising 4 children - but I think the fact you've asked here suggests you're not massively comfortable with this either, and I don't think that's to do with your relationship history. I think that's just a really big ask to spend family money on.

I'm not a SAHM now, but I was when my DC were little, and all money was completely shared. I didn't need to ask DH before buying something that was just a treat for me.

Having said that, I'm not a big spender at all and almost never buy designer stuff. So it worked for us and I didn't feel constrained, but perhaps it wouldn't have worked for you if you were in my shoes.

It does sounds as if you should probably go back to work.

All our money goes into the one account and we just use what we want. He earns a lot more than me but I work part time so I can pick up kids from nursery/school so it doesn't feel like I should be less entitled to the money because it's a partnership. Neither of us are interested in designer stuff etc but if either of us wanted to buy something really big then we would still run it past each other

DH from when we first got married worked out on his salary that he had x amount of spending money divided it by 2 and split it between us. Regardless of whether I have been working or not that has always come to me in my bank account. Once transferred to me I choose how I spend it but its not for the kids or household stuff.

It's like a Doris Day movie, only the main character has a PhD.

Most nursery hours are 8-6, some will allow early drop off from 7:30 or late pick up until 6:30, but I’ve never heard of anyone getting a nursery to cover 7-7, that would be either a childminder or nanny.

OP - it’s also worth having a chat about the chances of your dh doing some drop offs or pick ups on the days you work (even if you go back PT).

Can you discuss with him and establish 'rules'? I know some couples discuss purchases over £100 for example or let the other know as a courtesy. With DH and I we have an agreement that I manage the joint account so he pays in and then whatever I spend it on is fine. For example I bought a £300 Christmas tree this year without discussion. It's whatever is normal for you, I. It's new, agree what normal looks like. No surprises.

I agree with a lot of posters that the best solution is to pay bills, agree on how much to save, agree budget for other spending eg holidays and nights out and then split the remainder equally
It then becomes your money and it’s up to you how you spend or splurge it
Maybe I’m unusual in that I am happy to spend big especially on jewellery - but I economise in other ways to make it possible - that would be no different if I were still married
I have friends who spend a fortune on make up and hair products, regular beauty treatments etc - who probably spend more in a year than I do on a single item

We are both retired now but DH was a much higher earner than me.

This is the way we have always worked it -

All salaries/pensions paid into one account. We both have the same amount (i.e. £200) paid into separate savings accounts every month to spend on what we want, clothes, hobbies, etc. This also means that any birthday or Christmas presents for DH come out of my savings so that I feel I'm buying them out of 'my' money and not the general pot as to me it means more that way. DH does the same for me.

Whatever is left at the end of the month after mortgage, food, utilities, eating out, theatre, etc goes into another savings account. Out of this account we pay for holidays and any other big household purchases/maintenance.

Sounds a bit complicated but it has worked for us for more than 50 years.

We have always shared finances and we each have the same individual spend each per month that we buy bits from. Bigger items we discuss and agree beforehand. I just got a nice watch for our anniversary and I never have it a second thought honestly despite my DH earning 8x my salary. I have a great career too but work 2 days a week since having DC and I don't regret it. My career is important but not as important as my children and I'm grateful I am able to work part time.

I am assuming your DH bought his high value items before having a child and sharing finances. Now you are a family household expensive treats by either such be discussed and agreed.

Are you an equal partner in this relationship or not? Value yourself and the role you play looking after DC.
Different couples have different ways of working out what is fair - all in one pot? Equal spending money? Whichever you choose it matters most that everyone is happy with the outcome and their contribution is equally valued.
You seem to be undermining your own value and contribution to this family. Stop that and instigate an honest open conversation with your DH about the way you both view the family's money.

I'm inclined to agree with this to be honest. Agree share the money for general day to day spends within your means ie. Food, entertainment, necessities, the occasional takeaway or treat for yourself at a regular enough price.

I wouldn't feel comfortable splurging my partners money on totally superficial frivolous things - especially if considering not going back to work, I'd want to be more sensible on what I spent it on, like a family holiday together, things for the children to enjoy, improvements to the home everyone benefits from, things to make your lives easier eg. Subscriptions, a cleaner etc. but I don't think the priorities would be right if I spent it on a totally selfish item for myself in this circumstance. That's for what my own money goes on, and if I were on maternity leave I'd just hold off until I was earning again to do so.

I don't want to be unkind, but I don't understand your dream or dilemma at all – is is it about the career and a general high standard of living, or just those particular luxury things in themselves? I can't quite understand the latter, but if it is that, why not couch it as birthday, Christmas, etc presents from your DH? Luxury bags etc often go up in value, so just pick wisely (don't just buy the generic monogram etc) and you can also think of it as an investment / long term treat etc.

You have a joint account. Stop policing yourself. You are married with children. Your money has been pooled together.
All of mine and DH money is ours. No matter who is earning the most at any given time. It sounds like your DH accepts and encourages this. So stop feeling like it's not your money to spend. It is.

My husband earns in 6 weeks what i earn in a year. But all the money goes into the joint account and i can buy whatever i want and do whatever i want (within reason obviously). It's family money and i feel no guilt spending it whatsoever.

I agree- I don’t think it matters HOW you make it ‘fair’, so much as you both feel it’s fair- as in you both need to recognise the contribution of the other, but also yourself. Your husband isn’t doing you a favour by letting you stay at home- you both rely on each other’s contribution to keep the show on the road.

Eg, if I buggered off and left my wife, she would need to get a full time SEN nanny/governess type bod, and find somewhere else to live (and she would end up broke). If she buggered off and left me, I would be fine for housing and child care but I’d end up broke.

All our money goes into a joint account. For the day to day stuff, we just spend it. Anything significant, we will mention it but it’s not a case of asking, it’s more of an FYI.

But this is OP’s point: if they did this she would hardly have any money as she earns so much less and is on mat leave.

Her question is how to spend ‘his’ money on herself when she hasn’t earned it.

I think you should both have pots for 'fun' money for little splurges etc as well as the general family big spending joint money. Then you save up your 'fun' money for these items. Or you ask for them for Xmas /anniversary etc. and don't feel you haven't earned them as bringing up children is work