to not know how to buy things I want with "DH's money"

[ticklyboo]

None of this is a stealth boast, I would just like an insight into how others do this.
DH is my second relationship ever. My first relationship lasted 5 years and it was in my early 20s with a man who I believe took advantage of me financially (I paid for absolutely everything, meals out, holidays etc.) I was naive and I just complied. I used to dream of being in a relationship where my partner would treat me, be wined and dined etc. I am giving context because I feel like I don't have perspective of what normal is.

OK, and with DH we've been together 4 years, married 3 and have 7 month old DC. While dating DH would pay for dates etc, I would always offer to go halves but he never let me. It felt really nice being "treated" and tbh even to this day it doesn't feel normal being paid for despite being his wife. Genuinely I feel like my previous relationship has made me so awkward with money.

Last week, we made a joint account so I can have some spending money etc. On maternity leave I only get SMP and so far DH has just been transferring me money. DH is a much higher earner than me (he makes 4 times my salary).

Ok, so you now have all the context. Here's my problem that I'd like some advice on:
This is going to sound so shallow but here we go.. Before I met DH I planned on pursuing a career in banking because I have seen my brother do well in it and I wanted to be similarly comfortable. I quit my job as a scientist (I spent years on my PhD etc only to wind up in a job the pays £30k) to try and angle myself in a better position for a banking role. I settled for a halfway house job and then my subsequent role (and the current role I'm in now) is one step closer to a banking job.

Now I have DC it almost feels as if my career is on ice. I don't know how much I can commit to those hours and whether I want to be in a job that demands me to be in the office 12 hours a day. And whether I should wait until DC is a bit older before committing to that type of career. We would also like two more DC as soon as we can (I am 32 and DH is 41)

Basically, what happens to all my dreams? They're a bit superficial, but I've always wanted a nice watch or a nice handbag (I mean designer things). DH has a nice watch that he treated himself to, many many years ago and similar things. He is not at all a big spender, but does have a handful of high value items. I feel like I can't really spend DH's money on this stuff as I wasn't "there" yet in my career but had it not been for DC I would still be aiming for it all head first. I spoke to DH about it and he says to buy/use the money for the things I want.

But it doesn't feel right given I know he himself is not a big spender and also that maybe if it weren't for DH I would only be able to afford one very expensive thing every couple of years. But also, does that just mean wait until I'm 40something once DC are all in school? DH's career is totally unaffected by having children.

Anyway, I would love some insight into how others do joint money/treat themselves if they want to.

Thank you.

We’re in a long term relationship. Don’t plan on ever getting married. Even if we were married, my opinion would remain the same.

I think two things are being mixed up here- having a joint account which you feel free to spend from as if it were just yours, and buying a very expensive bag.

We have joint finances, DH earns more than me but there's no his/hers at all- I probably spend more on clothes because I'm more interested in clothes. If you're on SMP and likely to be a SAHM you should have equal access to the family money.

OTOH within that you should also use a bit of judgment. Are you multi-millionaires? If not, the designer bag (assuming we're talking Chanel etc) probably should be a birthday present or similar. You mention your DH has a designer watch but he's not out there buying designer stuff every day. DH and I don't have to consult one another on spending at all, but that's because we know that neither one of us is likely to go off on a spree.

Married all money one account bills go from another. Joint one for us both to use as and when. Think you need to get it out your head the money thing, clearly making a problem when your other half has no problem supporting the household like mine. I look after the 4 kids and to be happy is worth more than monetary goods to me. If I do want to treat myself or anyonelse off I go and do so no need for permission etc

If you want a high value item once a year why not ask for it for your birthday or a joint Christmas/birthday gift. Tbh you sound quite materialistic.

Agree - all money in a joint pot. You both sit down and agree a budget for that money. Once all essentials / annual / savings sorted - the rest gets split into individual accounts for both of you to spend how you wish.

That might make it easier for you to see it as your money??

Ditto. Although I’m still a sahm.

You say his career is completely unaffected by having kids. But yours will be. This implies that you are taking on more of the burden of home and childcare and in effect supporting his career continuing on interrupted. If this is the case then I'd see access to family money as completely fair, you are more than pulling your weight for the benefit of the family

He's already told her to buy what she wants. It's doesn't sound like he's discouraging her from spending "his" money

She doesn’t know if he’d be happy with her spending on luxury items though? And baby is only 7 months things can change with dc2 esp as he is also keen to have another and not keen on childcare. I don’t know the guy I’m just going by countless threads on here even though my own Dh wasn’t bothered what I spent money on as he knew I had my limits which I’m sure op does too. I just want her to be careful before she makes herself potentially vulnerable.

I assume your husband will use money from that account to purchase your Christmas (and next birthday) presents. So just say that's what you would like for Christmas.

Putting kids in childcare from 7am until 7pm because you would rather be at work is NOT raising your kids.

Some parents do that because they have no choice. Other parents work shift hours to fit round childcare.

I have taught many children of parents who are so busy career ladder climbing that their kids are desperate for some quality time and play up at school just to get their parents to notice them.

Some parents think that all this money they have means they can just buy their kids loads of stuff and take them on expensive holidays to make up for it. It doesn't even come close.

Most kids want time and attention, not a bedroom full of tech!

Hence I suggested that perhaps the OP's partner would be happy to take a step back to do the parenting and let the OP climb the career ladder.

My point was she watches out for red flags that I listed, I didn’t say he was restricting her right now.

I work in banking. I feel like you’ve romanticised the industry. In reality it’s a tough industry, you need to be resilient, and you need to find work in your field / get experience of the industry in junior roles. The days a STEM phd student with no banking experience could walk into a 100k a year data science job are over - those types of hardcore tech roles go to Indian consultancies now.

Is it possible that you actually want to be "treated" to high value items and possible that this stems from trauma from your previous relationship and possible that this is not a healthy desire. I could be talking shit of course.

I'd say it's quite unusual for children to be in childcare from 7am-7pm, even if both parents work full time. It's interesting that you've jumped straight to the extreme option.

You’re married with a child. You should have equal long term savings and disposable spends.

im the higher earner and manage our finances and pay for everything. DW works part time and earns about £12k a year so she has all of that at her disposal. We also have a joint credit card that she can put anything she wants on (gets paid from my current account) and a joint account I pay money into for sundries. If she needs anything more than that she just warns me there’s going to be a bill.

I pay into savings for us both and a private pension for her.

I'd say it's quite unusual for children to be in childcare from 7am-7pm, even if both parents work full time. It's interesting that you've jumped straight to the extreme option.

I think this was just in the context of the OP talking about getting into banking with possible 12 hour days.

I've always wanted a nice watch or a nice handbag (I mean designer things)

maybe if it weren't for DH I would only be able to afford one very expensive thing every couple of years.

Are you talking about things worth hundreds? Thousands?

I would say getting a designer piece of jewellery or bag every couple of years was pretty good going! I wouldn’t just buy them randomly for myself though. Can’t you ask for them for a special birthday/anniversary?

This might be a sensible option op. One bank for all monies in and bills out, then the rest (minis savings) is split. Then you can feel like you're only spending your share.

The other option is to put them on your birthday and Xmas list.

I don't really understand this because I don't see the appeal in handbags etc and tend to have ridiculously cheap taste in general - but if I want to spend money, then I do. I don't see it as "DH's money that he worked hard to earn" - we work, as a family. He works outside the home, we both do work taking care of the house, the children. I in many ways enable him to do that hard job outside the house. We have a joint account and I take care of the budget and work out how much is available for random spending (by anyone).

Some people have an approach of having a set amount of "fun money" allocated equally between partners, would that be helpful?

'Once or twice a year' - is Christmas and birthday :) tell him what you want! Have the same conversation you've had with us. It's not wrong to want nice things! Your career is on ice - you always aspired to have nice things and your husband will hopefully understand. Good luck with the conversation and enjoy your years of lovely things to come :)

You have various issues. for accounts: I’d say you need 4 accounts - a joint account for bills (including dc costs), a joint savings account, then an account each. While you aren’t working, dh transfers a lump sum of spending money to you, you can save or splurge as you like. Sit down and agree how much you’ll jointly save then split the difference between you.

many people can cope with just a joint account (plus savings accounts), but as you and dh have different spending habits, it won’t work.

Then you have career issues - if I was planning 3 dcs, I’d aim to return when your dc1 is 1- part time if you can get it, then get a 2nd round of maternity leave pay. I’d keep dc1 in nursery one or two mornings a week when you are on maternity leave with dc2 to give you some 1-2-1 time.

if you go for the 3rd dc, a nanny might be more economical and practical. But I’d explore part time options before giving up all together.

OP, I can understand where you‘re coming from. It‘s a very niche “first world problem“ but one nonetheless. Of course everyone understands the dynamics of the wife doing childcare vs husband free to pursue his career. Most high-earning men would be happy to give their wife whatever she needs for a cleaner, household bills, meals out, groceries etc. However it‘s an entirely different kettle of fish for him to suddenly offer you 5K to spend on a handbag or watch. Most healthy relationships are not built on lavish shopping sprees paid for by the man. HOWEVER, in many marriages where money starts coming in, this is something the wife would be silly to turn down out of pride.

First you need to work out a few benchmarks. What amount of money do you feel he can casually spend without it making a dent? Eg. If he earns £1000 a day then it‘s safe to say a gift in the range of 1-2K is no big deal. What does he tend to spend on himself? What is he happy to pay for a night in a hotel if you‘re all on holiday? Once you have a feeling for the budget, think of something you love that will fit in there. Start with a special occasion like bday or Christmas. Tell him you would love to have X for that. That slightly shifts the dynamics of him paying for small luxuries that make a big difference in your life.

As many PPs have pointed out, giving up your own career for children is a big deal. However it takes a lot of tact and open communication in a marriage to make men see this. Another angle to broach the topic is to make him understand how much TIME he spends working instead of the absolute amount. Most people would be happy to spend the equivalent of 1-3 day‘s salary out of a month on their spouse. Regardless of how much the amount is, it‘s about the time. In a normal job, this might be £150-300 on a special gift or experience which is entirely reasonable.

In the case of a high earning partner, this might be £1-3K. If you can make it clear to him that having the financial buffer will make a huge difference to your life and wellbeing. You will also be using that to cover all the costs for your child. A wife and child are presumably the most important two people in a man‘s life. So what‘s a few days work if it means those two people are happy? He can transfer it to your joint account, give it to you in cash or whatever.

This was effectively the conversation/process I had with DH. Both of us used to high earners but my income stalled due to having a baby whilst his kept going up. We always had separate bank accounts, though most household things go through mine. I do not consider myself a gold digger however at some point there needs to be a frank conversation about how much money you are allowed to spend in a marriage where one partner is making a huge surplus off the unpaid but time-intensive work (childcare & household) of the other.

Living in London I literally only know couples with children where both parents work full-time, due to the cost of living / generally higher level of career ambition here.

I’ve never heard of kids in nursery 7am-7pm every day amongst any of them.

What people forget is that often the more senior you are in high flying careers, the more flexibility you have over your schedule.

On the subject of wanting designer goods once or twice a year, surely the answer here is just to ask for them as a present for Christmas / birthday / anniversary? Then you won’t feel guiltily about spending his money.