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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Boyfriend not paying towards expenses after moving in with me and my children.

696 replies

Bumblebeee33 · 08/11/2023 10:32

My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years and decided to move in together with me and my two school aged children 6 months ago.

He moved into my place that I own outright with no mortgage.
Before moving in he told me he wanted to contribute to the outgoings.

Since moving in he has not contributed at all financially. He has said he is having a tough time financially and not earning from his work as he’s had a lot of clients drop off but has a big job at the end of the year which will bring him in a big cheque. However he still hasn’t offered or suggested to contribute then.

He will, on occasion, buy some groceries if we go to the supermarket together. He will also pick up things he likes to eat on his own time.

He doesn’t do housework as I pay for a cleaner for a few hours a week and then do the rest myself. He is not messy and tidies away his own things.

His child comes to stay every other weekend and I cook for him and we do things together as a family. Often I book these things for us.

When I say that I do a lot for him he sneers and says that I don’t. He doesn’t see that I am doing anything for him as I would ‘still do all the same things if he weren’t living here.’ Like pay the bills, cook, clean, look after the kids. He does his own laundry.

He comes home to a tidy, looked after home with dinner on the table. Although often he will just get a sandwich on the way back from work and not eat what I’ve made.

Before he moved in we used to spend time at his apartment (where he managed to pay the rent and bills and do the housework all alone) and would go away on breaks together and go for meals out. Most of which he would pay for. Since moving in we don’t do those things anymore. We have been away once and I booked, organised and paid for it all.

Am I being unreasonable to expect him to contribute something towards the expenses or should I wait until he is in a better financial position?

OP posts:
therealcookiemonster · 08/11/2023 13:00

and you can still bear to sleep in the same bed as this complete twat?

newtlover · 08/11/2023 13:00

I bet he was in rent arrears or other serious financial difficulty

Banana1979 · 08/11/2023 13:02

No wonder he’s not with his child’s mum she probably got the same treatment
someone on here mention that he shouldn’t be contributing to your children but he should contribute to the general household bills . You and your kids come as a package. He should be paying 50 50 for utilities and food. If he doesn’t eat your food then he should sort himself out and you don’t buy extra to feed him . If he doesn’t like it he should find someone single

HoldOnMiGenna · 08/11/2023 13:02

Fling him and his child out, OP.
And stop considering men partner material who would move themselves and their children into a woman's home that they have no financial investment in after not even being with her for two years.

No good parent ups sticks from the security of their and their children's home to move lock stock and barrel into a partner's home and their name is neither on the mortgage or tenancy agreement.

These types are putting their pocket first , foresight and their children's stability last. If love was reliable, they and you would be with your kids' other parent. So they and you know the fragile side of relationships and life.

Now that your private parts have dried up because your "partner's" shoddy character is a turn off ( it is, isn't it?), there is absolutely no need on extending his and his child's stay in the sanctity of YOUR children's home, is there?

No doubt a man like him has a layway harem of sad women, probably not mortgage free like you, but having a roof over their heads , unlike him for him to call, chat up, reel back in and move in with by Friday. That's how these types move. Pure Aunties and Uncles with no relation and tenuous ties are their children burdened with because of the sexual and financial effort incontinence of their unstable residential parent. Men are more successful at this lifestyle though because of the multitude of women of all races and socio economic class who have unattended 'issues" combined with having standards for men that shake hands with hell.

Men usually aim "up" or sideways, even if delusional. I've seen the crummiest of men rarely woman free, with the woman looking like she knows her left hand from her right and having a job and if not, always a home.
Never move in a man who can move in quickly again. That means that he hasn't invested in himself. Red flag central. Especially with children involved.
And feeling sorry for somebody is a bad premise for an adult relationship, even platonic.

Hayliebells · 08/11/2023 13:05

Why would you even want to continue a relationship with this user? Throw him in the bin.

newnamethanks · 08/11/2023 13:06

You are being unreasonable by even bothering to ask your question. What's he for? Parasite. Lose him fast.

Bananalanacake · 08/11/2023 13:09

All that paying for meals before he moved in was to make you think he's generous, he planned it. Was it his idea to move in, do your kids actually like him. You can have a relationship without living together.

Chicheguevara · 08/11/2023 13:10

The sneer would have him out of my door.
Sure he’s doing his own laundry but using your water and electricity. Sounds a bit of a freeloader if you ask me.
I would be having stern words! As for not eating what you have cooked, no doubt knowing that you have already cooked it, is a form of control in my eyes. Red flag right there. I suspect, if this continues, you will get that you waste food thrown at you. Nip it in the bud before he really gets his feet under the table and thinks he has rights over your property.
I would get him gone, gone, gone.

Topsyturvy78 · 08/11/2023 13:10

He's a cocklodger give him the boot. He's taking the absolute piss out of you.

Ponderingwindow · 08/11/2023 13:11

Could we just write a mumsnet guide to not being taken so that the same things don’t have to get posted again and again? Can we go have a good yell at the parents for not teaching women life skills?

among the essential steps prior to cohabitation:
agreeing on finances. Not vague assurances. Actually sitting down with your budgets and coming up with a fair agreement. Children from both sides and a home you own makes that complex, but the general concept should start with neither of you should be better or worse off from moving in. Or if there are changes, it should be balanced, both better equally or both worse equally.

HoppingPavlova · 08/11/2023 13:16

Cocklodger. Get rid asap.

Slav80 · 08/11/2023 13:19

"When I say that I do a lot for him he sneers and says that I don’t. He doesn’t see that I am doing anything for him as I would ‘still do all the same things if he weren’t living here.’ Like pay the bills, cook, clean, look after the kids. He does his own laundry."

What's the point of him being there then? You should end it, he's taking advantage of you.

Rightsraptor · 08/11/2023 13:20

Cocklodger.

Get rid.

GoingDownLikeBHS · 08/11/2023 13:21

If OP ever comes back she can enjoy her arse on the plate!! God knows what the vote is like as clearly people voting YABU for allowing this to happen. I hope you can kick him out and resolve this OP.

Namerequired · 08/11/2023 13:24

Kick him out ffs. He’s not even being subtle about it.

LookItsMeAgain · 08/11/2023 13:25

Kick him out.

He's got a cushy number at the moment where he has all of the modern conveniences (including probably sex with you whenever he wants it), without any inconvenience to him!

Get rid and don't fall into that trap again.

FerretFarago · 08/11/2023 13:26

Time for Freddy the Freeloader to hit the road!

MzHz · 08/11/2023 13:26

YABU - to let him stay one more day in your house. seriously - he is taking the piss. you know it, he knows it.

End this and get him out of your house.

Before he starts getting ideas about taking half your house

VickyEadieofThigh · 08/11/2023 13:27

AnneLovesGilbert · 08/11/2023 10:35

Every. Single. Week.

Kick him the fuck out. Today. You’re taking money from your own children to pay towards an able bodied working adult and his child. Some “partner”.

THIS HERE.

ChrisTrepidation · 08/11/2023 13:27

What did I just read???

Pack his bags and leave them on the doorstep. He is absolutely taking the piss. He's just using yours and your childrens home as a free doss house.

AutumnBride · 08/11/2023 13:33

He needs to leave today and he needs dumping permanently for being a disrespectful, arrogant Cocklodger.

The sneering is a red flag for this being the beginning of much worse to come if he thinks you'll let him get away with this behaviour.

AutumnBride · 08/11/2023 13:35

MzHz · 08/11/2023 13:26

YABU - to let him stay one more day in your house. seriously - he is taking the piss. you know it, he knows it.

End this and get him out of your house.

Before he starts getting ideas about taking half your house

How would he be able to take half her house, they're not married, he has no rights.

There's no mortgage so no chance of claiming he's contributed.

Hollip · 08/11/2023 13:36

Tell him to sneer his way to the letting agent.

Expect him to offer you £50 a week to stay.

Sneer and tell him to move on. He’s not a partner. He’s all about him. You can’t share your (and your kids) one precious life with this turnip.

LaurieStrode · 08/11/2023 13:36

You know how they say older men are looking for "a nurse with a purse" ?

Well, these shiftless single guys with kids are looking for "a nanny with a fanny." He's got someone providing a home, cooking, and entertainment for his kid, etc. and sex and free lodging besides. What a prize he must be.

Hollip · 08/11/2023 13:37

If you are (un)lucky he may propose - knowing his free life is coming to an end.