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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Boyfriend not paying towards expenses after moving in with me and my children.

696 replies

Bumblebeee33 · 08/11/2023 10:32

My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years and decided to move in together with me and my two school aged children 6 months ago.

He moved into my place that I own outright with no mortgage.
Before moving in he told me he wanted to contribute to the outgoings.

Since moving in he has not contributed at all financially. He has said he is having a tough time financially and not earning from his work as he’s had a lot of clients drop off but has a big job at the end of the year which will bring him in a big cheque. However he still hasn’t offered or suggested to contribute then.

He will, on occasion, buy some groceries if we go to the supermarket together. He will also pick up things he likes to eat on his own time.

He doesn’t do housework as I pay for a cleaner for a few hours a week and then do the rest myself. He is not messy and tidies away his own things.

His child comes to stay every other weekend and I cook for him and we do things together as a family. Often I book these things for us.

When I say that I do a lot for him he sneers and says that I don’t. He doesn’t see that I am doing anything for him as I would ‘still do all the same things if he weren’t living here.’ Like pay the bills, cook, clean, look after the kids. He does his own laundry.

He comes home to a tidy, looked after home with dinner on the table. Although often he will just get a sandwich on the way back from work and not eat what I’ve made.

Before he moved in we used to spend time at his apartment (where he managed to pay the rent and bills and do the housework all alone) and would go away on breaks together and go for meals out. Most of which he would pay for. Since moving in we don’t do those things anymore. We have been away once and I booked, organised and paid for it all.

Am I being unreasonable to expect him to contribute something towards the expenses or should I wait until he is in a better financial position?

OP posts:
Sueveneers · 08/11/2023 13:39

He is a cocklodger. He is bludging off of you. DON'T put up with it. Him moving in with you was a mistake. Don't let him use you. You deserve better than this sponging freeloader. Kick him out.

Figgygal · 08/11/2023 13:41

Think you've got your answer there op tell him to shape up or fuck off

Screamingabdabz · 08/11/2023 13:41

Why? Just why do women put up with this shit and wait on them hand and foot as well?

ThinWomansBrain · 08/11/2023 13:42

You've been very unreasonable in not kicking him out five months ago.
Do one more teensy weensy thing for him - pack his bags.

Lilyt14 · 08/11/2023 13:45

Of course YANBU. He’s an absolute cocklodger. Not only are you now housing and feeding him (and his child) but I would bet he has used the fact that he is living you to reduce any maintenance for his child…that’s if he actually paying any to the child’s mum…)

As almost everyone else has said, the quicker you move him out the better. He probably thinks he’s set up for life now!

MarilynSays · 08/11/2023 13:46

Sorry my shaky hand clicked the UABU button when you are definitely not BU!! Tell him that you either want a monthly amount (you decide) or you want one big shop a month/one meal out every week etc. make some rules before he bleeds you dry. It's not making you fancy him anymore is it? Gives me the ick from afar x

PramPusherCentral · 08/11/2023 13:46

Screamingabdabz · 08/11/2023 13:41

Why? Just why do women put up with this shit and wait on them hand and foot as well?

I think he must have spent those first two years grooming her and gaining her trust.

The way he is behaving is morally bankrupt. I don’t trust unethical people with my children especially.

I hope you have not exposed your child to him too often, or left him unattended with your child.

Whatever he has had you believe when he moved in, he’s not a good person.

WestwardHo1 · 08/11/2023 13:50

You HONESTLY need to ask?

arethereanyleftatall · 08/11/2023 13:50

Because @AutumnBride, marriage would be the next stage in his plan if the op tries to kick him out. But I love you, our hearts beat as one. My ex was a psycho, she didn't understand me like you do.

PramPusherCentral · 08/11/2023 13:50

Imagine how much he has saved and banked in rent and bills in half a year… he must be positively dizzy and intoxicated with all the future pound sounds to come.

Any meals or trips he took you on have been repaid several times over.

Highly exploitation disgusting individual…. Taking advantage of a mother and child who have trusted him.

Makes my skin crawl and furious on your behalf!

AutumnBride · 08/11/2023 13:51

arethereanyleftatall · 08/11/2023 13:50

Because @AutumnBride, marriage would be the next stage in his plan if the op tries to kick him out. But I love you, our hearts beat as one. My ex was a psycho, she didn't understand me like you do.

Hopefully the OP has more sense than to marry him.

gamerchick · 08/11/2023 13:54

No point an answering. The answer is pretty obvious and I don't believe anyone is that much of a mug

arethereanyleftatall · 08/11/2023 13:55

Hopefully.

PramPusherCentral · 08/11/2023 13:57

gamerchick · 08/11/2023 13:54

No point an answering. The answer is pretty obvious and I don't believe anyone is that much of a mug

You would be surprised! There are some very damaged traumatised extremely low self esteem people out there who believe they can’t do any better, or maybe even that they deserve it. Being raised in an abusive or neglectful home can have grave consequences like this.

I hope OP can get rid of him before he goes into the next stage of exploitation.

Butchyrestingface · 08/11/2023 13:59

He sounds lovely. When you've finished with him, can I have him?

Said no-one ever.

Therealjudgejudy · 08/11/2023 14:02

Are you this desperate for a man that you would inflict this toxic twat on your kids??

Kick. Him. Out

Newestname002 · 08/11/2023 14:04

Come on now, @Bumblebeee33 - you know the answer already! Get rid of this leech who lies to you and shows you so little respect whilst he and his child benefit from the comforts of your lovely clean home, gas, electricity, council tax... 🌹

Nonimai · 08/11/2023 14:06

I wouldn’t have moved someone in without a written contract. He must have been paying rent at his flat. Chances are he has a nice fat savings account somewhere whilst you are subsidising his living costs. You are not alone, you are far from the only person to have suffered from someone like this - I’ve subsidised more than one. You are left feeling like you have caused the rift, but it’s not you. I would stand no messing. Wait til he goes out and get the locks changed. Bag up his stuff and drop at a relatives/ friends house. Don’t let him back in.

00100001 · 08/11/2023 14:07

COCK LODGER

Peoniesandcats · 08/11/2023 14:07

I don’t know why this has wound me up too, like lots of other people who have replied!

Slowcookerseason · 08/11/2023 14:09

🚩🚩🚩Cocklodger alert🚩🚩🚩
Get rid!

Cosmosforbreakfast · 08/11/2023 14:13

He's a cocklodger.

Don't bother trying to negotiate with him or talk to him about money, bills etc. Move him back out and move on without him. He showed you his true colours in about 5 minutes flat.

Don't be someone who puts up with this kind of behaviour so you can stay in a relationship.

Sueveneers · 08/11/2023 14:16

MarilynSays · 08/11/2023 13:46

Sorry my shaky hand clicked the UABU button when you are definitely not BU!! Tell him that you either want a monthly amount (you decide) or you want one big shop a month/one meal out every week etc. make some rules before he bleeds you dry. It's not making you fancy him anymore is it? Gives me the ick from afar x

You can change your vote by clicking on the correct one.

theresastormcoming · 08/11/2023 14:18

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

wesurecouldstandgladioli · 08/11/2023 14:20

Omg, I am raging for you, OP. Get him kicked out tonight.