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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Boyfriend not paying towards expenses after moving in with me and my children.

696 replies

Bumblebeee33 · 08/11/2023 10:32

My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years and decided to move in together with me and my two school aged children 6 months ago.

He moved into my place that I own outright with no mortgage.
Before moving in he told me he wanted to contribute to the outgoings.

Since moving in he has not contributed at all financially. He has said he is having a tough time financially and not earning from his work as he’s had a lot of clients drop off but has a big job at the end of the year which will bring him in a big cheque. However he still hasn’t offered or suggested to contribute then.

He will, on occasion, buy some groceries if we go to the supermarket together. He will also pick up things he likes to eat on his own time.

He doesn’t do housework as I pay for a cleaner for a few hours a week and then do the rest myself. He is not messy and tidies away his own things.

His child comes to stay every other weekend and I cook for him and we do things together as a family. Often I book these things for us.

When I say that I do a lot for him he sneers and says that I don’t. He doesn’t see that I am doing anything for him as I would ‘still do all the same things if he weren’t living here.’ Like pay the bills, cook, clean, look after the kids. He does his own laundry.

He comes home to a tidy, looked after home with dinner on the table. Although often he will just get a sandwich on the way back from work and not eat what I’ve made.

Before he moved in we used to spend time at his apartment (where he managed to pay the rent and bills and do the housework all alone) and would go away on breaks together and go for meals out. Most of which he would pay for. Since moving in we don’t do those things anymore. We have been away once and I booked, organised and paid for it all.

Am I being unreasonable to expect him to contribute something towards the expenses or should I wait until he is in a better financial position?

OP posts:
DriftingDora · 08/11/2023 12:31

AnneLovesGilbert · 08/11/2023 10:35

Every. Single. Week.

Kick him the fuck out. Today. You’re taking money from your own children to pay towards an able bodied working adult and his child. Some “partner”.

Depressing how often there are women on here who are happily sharing their home with a total chancer and asking what they should do. OP, do you really have to ask what you should do? How low are your standards? Get. Rid. Of. Him. Get. Some. Self. Respect.

Hellzbellz25 · 08/11/2023 12:32

Put your kids first - he needs to go!

Lordofmyflies · 08/11/2023 12:35

He's taking advantage of you OP. He's not going to suggest giving you money because he doesn't respect you and knows he can get it paid for by you! I'd present him with a bill of about £12,000....6 months of housing, heating, water, food, council tax,, should about cover it. Judge by his response. I'm guessing he still wont be forthcoming with any money!

laclochette · 08/11/2023 12:36

Aaaaartgghhhhh. Aarrrghhhh. The bar is in hell!

Why are you putting up with this? What does he bring to your life?
More expenses (you're paying his way).
More disrespect (dismissing your concerns about sharing the load in every sense).
More strife.
Can't you see that you would literally, figuratively and emotionally be better off without him in every single way?

IamMala · 08/11/2023 12:36

I voted YABU - for sponsoring and supporting a leech and his child at the expense of your own children! Get rid ASAP

DomPom47 · 08/11/2023 12:37

BodenCardiganNot · 08/11/2023 10:34

You should just move the fucking leech right back out again.
Imagine being your child and having this foisted on you.

100% this !

StolenCookie · 08/11/2023 12:40

This is an unacceptable situation. He is technically ‘right’ in that you would be doing all of those things whether he was there or not, but the fact is he is another adult and you are joining your lives together. That means taking on joint household and financial responsibilities. You need to very firmly put your foot down and tell him he needs to join you in managing the household or he moves out!

ShinyPebble32 · 08/11/2023 12:40

YABU for even asking that question

laclochette · 08/11/2023 12:42

Never a better use for this

Boyfriend not paying towards expenses after moving in with me and my children.
Scarydinosaurs · 08/11/2023 12:47

Insane situation.

you are actively making your own, and your children’s lives worse by continuing this relationship.

Ask him to leave.

Richard1985 · 08/11/2023 12:47

Where does one find a nice woman willing to accept this? Asking for a friend

On second thoughts, forget it. I couldn't actually bare to act like this even if I found a woman who would put up with it

SomeCatFromJapan · 08/11/2023 12:48

You have a cocklodger infestation I'm afraid.

Jl2014 · 08/11/2023 12:48

Kick him out op. Massively taking advantage of you.

TheSpikySpinosaurus · 08/11/2023 12:49

You're being a complete mug. You are subsidising him and his dc. He's making fuck all effort.

I'd ask him to move out ASAP.

cocksstrideintheevening · 08/11/2023 12:50

I don't understand how women (or men for that matter) accept these situations. You need to Chuck him out asap.

TimeForTeaAndG · 08/11/2023 12:51

Scarydinosaurs · 08/11/2023 12:47

Insane situation.

you are actively making your own, and your children’s lives worse by continuing this relationship.

Ask him to leave.

This. Except don't ask. Tell him he is out.

StarDolphins · 08/11/2023 12:52

Before he moved in, I would’ve given him an amount that needed to be paid and what was included in this.

I would tell him now he need me to contribute xxx on the first of each month or moves out. He can’t stay anywhere for free or just a tiny amount.

Sorry, I think you’re being fat too soft on him, there’d no way i’d be having this. Absolutely no chance.

Dacadactyl · 08/11/2023 12:52

Unbelievable!!! Get this waster out of your home and out of your life.

I would not support my own husband of many years in such a manner, much less a "man" I've known 2 years, who is not even the father of my children..

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 08/11/2023 12:53

Tell him to move out. It doesn't sound like he is making your life happier in any way.

HeavenCANTwait · 08/11/2023 12:54

This all depends on how much he spent on you before with all these weekends away as he might be resentful or thinking he's already paid in?

If not and he's not got a good explanation then get rid of the COCK LODGING TWAT

AncoraAmarena · 08/11/2023 12:56

waitholdup · 08/11/2023 10:34

I select YABU

"When I say that I do a lot for him he sneers and says that I don’t"
Why are you allowing him to live in YOUR house? for FREE??

That's not the question though is it? The question is 'AIBU expecting him to contribute?'. The answer to that is surely 'no, YANBU', despite what anyone thinks about the OP letting themself be walked over.

Dacadactyl · 08/11/2023 12:57

HeavenCANTwait · 08/11/2023 12:54

This all depends on how much he spent on you before with all these weekends away as he might be resentful or thinking he's already paid in?

If not and he's not got a good explanation then get rid of the COCK LODGING TWAT

What?!

Lol, no decent sort of bloke thinks like that OP, so if that's where his heads at, get rid anyway.

BooBooBaloo · 08/11/2023 12:57

When I say that I do a lot for him he sneers and says that I don’t. He doesn’t see that I am doing anything for him as I would ‘still do all the same things if he weren’t living here.’ Like pay the bills, cook, clean, look after the kids. He does his own laundry.

You wouldn't be looking after/paying for HIS kid
You would have smaller food bills
You would have smaller utilities (unless he never showers/cooks/uses lights/washes things that would otherwise not be on at that time)
You lose your 25% council tax discount

You should probably point out that if he weren't living with you he would also be doing all of those things and paying rent.

Contributing to living expenses is a non negotiable as you aren't going to financially carry a grown arsed man, so he contributes x amount per month to your joint living expenses EVERY MONTH or he moves out.

I do have to ask though OP, why wasn't a monthly figure agreed before he moved in?

PramPusherCentral · 08/11/2023 12:58

You own outright with no mortgage… sounds like he played the long game.

Sometimes we cannot see the wood for the trees, OP.

Beware of sharing financial privileges in the future, it can attract the wrong sort of attention.

Passerillage · 08/11/2023 12:59

That single sneering comment alone and he would be out the door and out of my life. He's an unpleasant person as well as a parasite, and he's also throwing in some training for your kids that "women's work" is contemptible and to be mocked and yet simutlaneously taken for granted.