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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Boyfriend not paying towards expenses after moving in with me and my children.

696 replies

Bumblebeee33 · 08/11/2023 10:32

My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years and decided to move in together with me and my two school aged children 6 months ago.

He moved into my place that I own outright with no mortgage.
Before moving in he told me he wanted to contribute to the outgoings.

Since moving in he has not contributed at all financially. He has said he is having a tough time financially and not earning from his work as he’s had a lot of clients drop off but has a big job at the end of the year which will bring him in a big cheque. However he still hasn’t offered or suggested to contribute then.

He will, on occasion, buy some groceries if we go to the supermarket together. He will also pick up things he likes to eat on his own time.

He doesn’t do housework as I pay for a cleaner for a few hours a week and then do the rest myself. He is not messy and tidies away his own things.

His child comes to stay every other weekend and I cook for him and we do things together as a family. Often I book these things for us.

When I say that I do a lot for him he sneers and says that I don’t. He doesn’t see that I am doing anything for him as I would ‘still do all the same things if he weren’t living here.’ Like pay the bills, cook, clean, look after the kids. He does his own laundry.

He comes home to a tidy, looked after home with dinner on the table. Although often he will just get a sandwich on the way back from work and not eat what I’ve made.

Before he moved in we used to spend time at his apartment (where he managed to pay the rent and bills and do the housework all alone) and would go away on breaks together and go for meals out. Most of which he would pay for. Since moving in we don’t do those things anymore. We have been away once and I booked, organised and paid for it all.

Am I being unreasonable to expect him to contribute something towards the expenses or should I wait until he is in a better financial position?

OP posts:
TheRealLilyMunster · 08/11/2023 12:07

He's a manipulative cocklodger, and is massively taking advantage of you.

He needs to leave, today.
No need for a big debate, just tell him this isn't working for you and he needs to leave.

He will probably give you a sob story about what a hard life hes had and play the 'I have a child' card. He might even turn on the waterworks, but don't back down.

Really pisses me off, these leech men that attach themselves to single mums as they see them as vulnerable and an easy target.

I've seen it myself, as soon as you tell them you've got a mortgage, they look like they've struck gold.

outsidesleeper · 08/11/2023 12:08

He moved into my place that I own outright with no mortgage

Women with their own place and no mortgage are a magnet for cocklodgers like this. I managed to get myself a cocklodger before I wised up to the dangers. It's never happening again. I can spot them a mile off these days.
Cocklodgers are looking for an easy life living at someone else's expense - a woman with a place they own outright with no mortage is cocklodger-gold.

Before moving in he told me he wanted to contribute to the outgoings
Yeah sure he did, they always do.

YABU for tolerating this a single moment longer. He has had plenty of time to start paying - though I do wonder how firm you have been about insisting on him contributing to the bills and the food. Even my cocklodger paid half of those (in your case as you have two children living with you it would be fair for the cocklodger to pay less than half the bills and food, but not sweet fuck all).

Tell him it's not working and he has until X date to leave before it gets any worse.
The next thing will be some kind of issue with work, the so-called "employment emergency" when he suddenly has no clients or the "big job" falls through. He's already started setting up this scenario by claiming he's not earning etc. He'll have no money at the end of the year because something will happen. In the new year he'll have no work and then he won't bother looking for a new job because you are funding his life of leisure at cost to yourself and your children and as soon as you make any noises about him looking for a job instead of the failed self-employment, he'll be screeching depression at you to get you to shut up.

I do sometimes wonder if these threads are made up and whether I should bother replying to them but then I think even if not all of them are genuine, other women might be reading who need to hear this and how these hobosexual/cocklodger situations play out.

Greenberg2 · 08/11/2023 12:09

This man doesn't love you or care for you. Sorry to be brutal but I don't think sugar coating it will get the message through. Anyone who cared for their partner wouldn't sneer at them, leave them to do all the grunt work, take money out of their children's mouths, be so unappreciative of your providing a home, cooked meals, a place to bring round his child etc.

Have you posted about him before, it sounds very familiar. If so, the answers will not change. If you struggle to be assertive/set boundaries see a therapist to work on this.

But ultimately there is no solution or cure for a man who doesn't care. You deserve so much better.

NearlyMonday · 08/11/2023 12:11

TurkeyTrotToXmas · 08/11/2023 12:06

DTMFA

Wot?????

HappyasLarrynot · 08/11/2023 12:14

Just get rid of him. ‘This doesn’t work for me so please leave by X.’ Don’t say anything other than that.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 08/11/2023 12:14

TBH he sounds like a cocklodger who’s taking you for a mug. But I expect you’re only too painfully aware of that already.

Twiglets1 · 08/11/2023 12:15

Nanny0gg · 08/11/2023 11:34

About time he moved back out

If he was my bf then yes I would be ending things because he isn't making @Bumblebeee33 happy it seems and is showing a bad side to himself now.

outsidesleeper · 08/11/2023 12:17

NearlyMonday · 08/11/2023 12:11

Wot?????

I think it means "Dump the motherfucker already"

Whatonearth07957 · 08/11/2023 12:19

You need to consider how he is treating you. He had a flat he's an adult he is deliberately taking the piss out of you. This doesn't bode well which is why you need to address it and people are responding saying get him out .

A cohabitation agreement set by a solicitor ring fencing your house. He pays rent and a share towards bills. He is a lodger.

But yes he needs to get out he's treating you v badly.

Aurasauras · 08/11/2023 12:19

It is not my problem whether you are having a tough time. Would you say this to a landlord. You are acting like a cocklodger and it’s putting me off.

Lots of us are having a tough time and we just work more hours…

blackoverbillsmothers · 08/11/2023 12:20

Get rid. Fast.

Bobtheamazinggingerdog · 08/11/2023 12:20

Send him the fuck back!!!

Aurasauras · 08/11/2023 12:20

I would actually be thinking of ending it. When people show you who they are, believe them.

Caroparo52 · 08/11/2023 12:20

Well done you op for recognising this is not acceptable behaviour.
You now need to do the next part and act on your doubts about him.
He is using you and it probably will never not change. The solution is to get him out if your life. Respect yourself and protect your family. He is using you .

Mari9999 · 08/11/2023 12:22

@Aurasauras
Working more hours or getting second job does not seem to be a solution that occurs to many on MN.

Kimten · 08/11/2023 12:22

Cocklodger.
Kick him out.

He has no respect for you.

Dweetfidilove · 08/11/2023 12:25

AnneLovesGilbert · 08/11/2023 10:35

Every. Single. Week.

Kick him the fuck out. Today. You’re taking money from your own children to pay towards an able bodied working adult and his child. Some “partner”.

I voted YABU to then type exactly this.

Mangolover123 · 08/11/2023 12:27

For goodness sake grow up and look after your family without letting a man walk all over you.
I am so sorry they are harsh words.
He needs to pay rent, bills and food. A minimum for £500 per month or he leaves. I am assuming your bills and council tax have gone up.
Stand up for yourself.

FloofCloud · 08/11/2023 12:27

Congratulations you now have 4 kids 🤯
I'd say it's not working and you need some time to reconsider, he needs to go back to his flat

Dweetfidilove · 08/11/2023 12:27

billyt · 08/11/2023 10:35

You've got yourself a cocklodger.

He needs to either start paying his way, or move back out.

It really should only be move back out.

You can’t predict him resenting the OP for not bankrolling him if he has to start paying.

Codlingmoths · 08/11/2023 12:28

He sneers?? Bye then thanks for the fun times although they were ages ago you’re a massive asshole to me now, go find some other schmuck to house you.

arethereanyleftatall · 08/11/2023 12:28

Why?

Just fucking why?

What has gone so wrong in our society that women are asking these fucking stupid questions daily.

Why does op even need to ask if it's ok for someone to treat her like shit.

Why didn't the op say 'ha, I don't think so mate, off you fuck' at the first sign of such awful behaviour.

In case that wasn't clear, no op, no you are not unreasonable ti want an adult to financially contribute to their own life.,

BeenRoundThatBlock · 08/11/2023 12:29

And there he is - the most obvious cocklodger that ever cocklodged.

As PP perfectly put it - he's failed his probation. Sit him down, say it's time to review how living together has worked out, six months in. And it hasn't, so you want to go back to living separately.

I wouldn't even continue dating this waste of space while living apart - he's shown you who he is and he'll never get better.

You are literally better off without him sponging off you.

Fifireee · 08/11/2023 12:29

He needs to go.

Missedmytoe · 08/11/2023 12:30

Dump him, and kick him out.