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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Boyfriend not paying towards expenses after moving in with me and my children.

696 replies

Bumblebeee33 · 08/11/2023 10:32

My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years and decided to move in together with me and my two school aged children 6 months ago.

He moved into my place that I own outright with no mortgage.
Before moving in he told me he wanted to contribute to the outgoings.

Since moving in he has not contributed at all financially. He has said he is having a tough time financially and not earning from his work as he’s had a lot of clients drop off but has a big job at the end of the year which will bring him in a big cheque. However he still hasn’t offered or suggested to contribute then.

He will, on occasion, buy some groceries if we go to the supermarket together. He will also pick up things he likes to eat on his own time.

He doesn’t do housework as I pay for a cleaner for a few hours a week and then do the rest myself. He is not messy and tidies away his own things.

His child comes to stay every other weekend and I cook for him and we do things together as a family. Often I book these things for us.

When I say that I do a lot for him he sneers and says that I don’t. He doesn’t see that I am doing anything for him as I would ‘still do all the same things if he weren’t living here.’ Like pay the bills, cook, clean, look after the kids. He does his own laundry.

He comes home to a tidy, looked after home with dinner on the table. Although often he will just get a sandwich on the way back from work and not eat what I’ve made.

Before he moved in we used to spend time at his apartment (where he managed to pay the rent and bills and do the housework all alone) and would go away on breaks together and go for meals out. Most of which he would pay for. Since moving in we don’t do those things anymore. We have been away once and I booked, organised and paid for it all.

Am I being unreasonable to expect him to contribute something towards the expenses or should I wait until he is in a better financial position?

OP posts:
JulieJones1958 · 09/11/2023 20:34

Please please please get rid of him.
I've been in your situation and I stuck it for 16 years......yes 16 years and would of probably been another 16 years if he hadn't sat me down and said he's not into relationships, (after 16 years!) then he walked out of the door without a backward glance.
That ended 6 years ago and in the cold light of day it became so clear I had been a absolute pathetic idiot for allowing it to happen.
Now I'm 65 years old and have just retired, my biggest regret is the money I spent on him and the money he kept to himself, Jesus I would be having the most amazing retirement right now but instead I have to watch my money.
Please don't be a doormat like I was otherwise that feeling of regret will crucify you forever.
Spend your money on your kiddiewinks instead.

Atethehalloweenchocs · 09/11/2023 20:50

He doesn’t see that I am doing anything for him as I would ‘still do all the same things if he weren’t living here.’

And if he was living by himself he would have to do those things too. Being in a relationship is supposed to make life easier for both of you - or why bother? So he does not get to opt out of the work of making the house a home - he should be doing 50%. His attitude stinks and I dont think I would want to be in a relationship with someone who does this in the first place, then is sneery when you try to talk to him.

Lollipop81 · 09/11/2023 20:56

You must know the answer to this question surely. Get rid!

DumpedByText · 09/11/2023 21:03

He's a cocklodger! Bet he's got a tidy sum of savings hasn't he though. Stop being a mug and get rid.

AcrossthePond55 · 09/11/2023 21:10

@Bumblebeee33

He sweet talked, future faked, and love bombed you in order to get his boots under your bed. And it worked. Now he has you where he wants you, footing the bill for his life and providing childcare for his son. You're a 'nanny with a fanny'. I'd be willing to bet a donut that you aren't the first woman he's done this to and if you end up kicking him to the kerb, you won't be the last. He's a parasite.

I have to admit I always give a little sigh when I see an OP saying "I'll have to have a talk with him" when it's a cocklodger who has clearly shown her who he is. Unless that 'talk' consists of "I have looked at my household finances and they have greatly increased since you have moved in and your son has been staying regularly. You will need to start paying <insert figure> per month as your share of our expenses. And I will need you to start paying this month. This figure is non-negotiable so if you feel you cannot afford it you will need to move back out. I will also need you to take over <insert household chores> so that we are both contributing equally to the household labour. And from now on, when your son is here you will be 100% responsible for meeting his needs". Then just sit back and watch him squirm, DARVO, and give you eleventy million reasons why he simply can't do all that right now, but he will 'when things improve'. But they never will.

tescocreditcard · 09/11/2023 21:15

ScartlettSole · 09/11/2023 19:50

So adults can only move in together if they dont have kids? How absurd!

Once you have a child with someone, you cant live with anyone until the childs 18? 🙄

"So adults can only move in together if they dont have kids? How absurd!

Once you have a child with someone, you cant live with anyone until the childs 18? 🙄"

Yes, absolutely. Apart from the obvious cocklodging by this guy, there is also the other risks, the one of which we do not speak.

It should be a legal requirement for any woman who is thinking of moving a man in with her kids to watch this. It's basically an interview with a cop who was an undercover pedophile for 10 years and infiltrated many rings. Basically the easiest, most common and preferred way for pedophiles to get access to children is to befriend the parent. They don't just groom the child, they groom the parents too.

It's eye opening stuff

Undercover Paedophile - Police Detective Working The Worlds Darkest Job

Anything goes with James English Ep/224Undercover Paedophile - Police Detective Working The Worlds Darkest Job.Ian James went 20 years undercover to catch so...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QP3_kSjm9Wc

mayorofcasterbridge · 09/11/2023 21:16

I am going to join in the chorus of throw the selfish cocklodger the fuck out.

celticprincess · 09/11/2023 21:17

I wonder if he was struggling with money when he lived in his own, but didn’t admit to it. Was maybe spending off credit cards or something to pay bills and do the holidays. Now he’s not got those outgoings of his own he’s trying to maybe pay it off a bit?? Because moving in with you should have freed up hundreds of pounds otherwise and he would be flashing this a bit? Unless he’s got a secret life?

I’d definitely be explaining to him and reminding him that he agreed to split the bills once moved in. Yea you were paying them anyway but they’ve likely increased since he moved himself and part time child in. So there has to be some contribution and it has to be financially worth it for you as well to have him there. Also stop coming for him altogether and buying his food. If he’s buying stuff on his way home it’s getting wasted anyway. He’s obviously not made the transition in his head to no longer being on his own.

Whilst you make his child welcome I wouldn’t go out my way to book things to do with them. Did you normally spend time with the child? If not then tell him you’re going out that day like you used to.

WearyAuldWumman · 09/11/2023 21:35

Get rid of the parasite.

AutumnFroglets · 09/11/2023 21:36

I am going to talk to him tonight when the kids are in bed. If of course he isn’t too busy for me.

Since OP hasn't come back I'm going to assume he started promising her the world and she fell for it. I hope one day OP will realise what she's done before it's too late and he's ended up marrying her.

Blanca87 · 09/11/2023 21:47

She’s not coming back is she? 😬

Perky1 · 09/11/2023 21:47

Whatever you do, don’t marry him!

Forgotmycoat · 09/11/2023 21:48

Blanca87 · 09/11/2023 21:47

She’s not coming back is she? 😬

i hope she proves us all wrong. but it's not looking likely.

AdoraBell · 09/11/2023 21:51

Haven’t RTFT but I hope the conversation goes well, and stay strong and angry. I don’t mean shout but stick to your guns and don’t let him charm you.

shehasglasses48 · 09/11/2023 21:54

Sorry to say this but you’ve just got yourself an extra child. If loving him outweighs that, fine, no judgement x

ClairDeLaLune · 09/11/2023 21:58

Are you mad? Or desperate? Kick him out!

JenFor · 09/11/2023 22:03

Dump! Dump! Dump!

He is a leech and you deserve better. Do you want your children growing up thinking that is an acceptable way for someone to treat their partner?

SylvieB74 · 09/11/2023 22:15

tescocreditcard · 09/11/2023 21:15

"So adults can only move in together if they dont have kids? How absurd!

Once you have a child with someone, you cant live with anyone until the childs 18? 🙄"

Yes, absolutely. Apart from the obvious cocklodging by this guy, there is also the other risks, the one of which we do not speak.

It should be a legal requirement for any woman who is thinking of moving a man in with her kids to watch this. It's basically an interview with a cop who was an undercover pedophile for 10 years and infiltrated many rings. Basically the easiest, most common and preferred way for pedophiles to get access to children is to befriend the parent. They don't just groom the child, they groom the parents too.

It's eye opening stuff

Yes exactly. I’ll watch that later I’ve not heard of it. My Mam was the usual typical council house, benefits, feckless, too much drink not enough food type. A few of these random men were more interested in me then her, one of them
ended up with 6 1/2 years in jail for what he did to me when I was 9. I was 27 when he went to jail.

Mymilkshakebringsallthepapstomycar · 09/11/2023 22:17

This reply has been deleted

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BuddyBuddyBumBum · 09/11/2023 22:38

This reply has been withdrawn

Message withdrawn as it quotes a deleted post.

Feministeee · 09/11/2023 22:42

IN. THE. BIN.

ChellyT · 09/11/2023 22:49

HeavenCANTwait · 08/11/2023 17:23

You don't have to talk to him

Women always want to TALK rather than just say THIS FUCKING BULLSHIT ISNT WORKING FOR ME, FUCK THE FUCK OFF !

Is he really going to say 'oh I'm so sorry, here's many thousands of pounds to make up for it'?

Is he FUCK

What he IS going to say is 'grunt, moan, try to push it on you, act the hurt party and THEN offer you £500 a month. You will then be relieved because the conversation is over.

But next month he will make some excuse to not pay, or act angry in some way so you CANT ASK

You are being manipulated. Just tell him to fuck off out of it.

Absolutely THIS!

He is an adult, you both are adults, you both discussed how moving in will work... it hasn't worked so off he goes @Bumblebeee33 back to where he came from.

AND FFS do not give into where will he go? Not your fucking problem! He isn't financial? Not your fucking problem! These right here are ADDITIONAL red flags to to already glaring ones he has currently displayed

Please look after you and your children @Bumblebeee33

Hibiscrubbed · 09/11/2023 22:57

Get him the fuck back out of your home.

caringcarer · 09/11/2023 23:00

Move him back out. Tell him you preferred things the way they were.

Anastacia22 · 09/11/2023 23:41

This is not even a debate. Please tell him to leave your house and stay away from your life. You need someone who is ambitious and who has future plans. You deserve better and your not his mum. Its a complete joke

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