Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Boyfriend not paying towards expenses after moving in with me and my children.

696 replies

Bumblebeee33 · 08/11/2023 10:32

My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years and decided to move in together with me and my two school aged children 6 months ago.

He moved into my place that I own outright with no mortgage.
Before moving in he told me he wanted to contribute to the outgoings.

Since moving in he has not contributed at all financially. He has said he is having a tough time financially and not earning from his work as he’s had a lot of clients drop off but has a big job at the end of the year which will bring him in a big cheque. However he still hasn’t offered or suggested to contribute then.

He will, on occasion, buy some groceries if we go to the supermarket together. He will also pick up things he likes to eat on his own time.

He doesn’t do housework as I pay for a cleaner for a few hours a week and then do the rest myself. He is not messy and tidies away his own things.

His child comes to stay every other weekend and I cook for him and we do things together as a family. Often I book these things for us.

When I say that I do a lot for him he sneers and says that I don’t. He doesn’t see that I am doing anything for him as I would ‘still do all the same things if he weren’t living here.’ Like pay the bills, cook, clean, look after the kids. He does his own laundry.

He comes home to a tidy, looked after home with dinner on the table. Although often he will just get a sandwich on the way back from work and not eat what I’ve made.

Before he moved in we used to spend time at his apartment (where he managed to pay the rent and bills and do the housework all alone) and would go away on breaks together and go for meals out. Most of which he would pay for. Since moving in we don’t do those things anymore. We have been away once and I booked, organised and paid for it all.

Am I being unreasonable to expect him to contribute something towards the expenses or should I wait until he is in a better financial position?

OP posts:
UpaladderwatchingTV · 09/11/2023 19:41

I'm glad you've realised that we all can see him for what he truly is, and that you're going to sit down and have it out with him tonight, but please, don't accept a load of flannel OP, men like him are full of it, and as so many others have told you, he's not going to change now he's got his feet under the table. All of the sharing caring stuff was just a smoke screen to make you fall for him, it works, these type of men are very believable, but sadly, unless you go ahead and kick him out now, you'll live for a long time regretting allowing him to move in.

The more relationships I hear about where things are lovely until the couple move in together and then it all goes pear shaped, the more I believe that we're all better off keeping our own roof over our heads when we meet someone. It seems to keep the romance alive, and while if it is a good match, it can save a lot of money by sharing expenses, it seems that all too often the old phrase 'familiarity breeds contempt' slips into play, and most don't end up as happy as they thought they'd be. So in summary, even if you still care for him OP, I think you'll feel MUCH happier if he moves out again, however hopefully you've now see the light with this particular fish?

Julimia · 09/11/2023 19:42

You need rid of him . Hes a parasite and you are not his housekeeper. End of.

IsobelElsie123 · 09/11/2023 19:43

Just look at the voting results - it should say everything g you need to know. He is a Cock lodger, get rid of him this weekend.

notbadfor50 · 09/11/2023 19:44

He was looking for a free ride in life and found it. What a horrible person, kick his sorry ass straight back out again.

carly2803 · 09/11/2023 19:45

id be moving him the fuck back out!! gieve him 24 hours notice and pack his shit out!!

cocklodger there!!

Chizzyfizzy · 09/11/2023 19:45

I don't want to put another woman down BUT the one thing that is unacceptable is stupidity!

OP - why are you allowing this? Surely it's better to be alone than have this fucking parasite in your children's home?

Evan456 · 09/11/2023 19:46

WHO’s electric and washing powder etc does he use when he’s doing his own laundry?

SherbetDips · 09/11/2023 19:47

ask him to contribute if he says no, move him out.

IncompleteSenten · 09/11/2023 19:48

He's clearly using you.

I hope the talk went well and you didn't fall for fake promises and sweet talk but instead booted the freeloader out of your house.

newtoallthisshizzle · 09/11/2023 19:49

Get rid of him! Either that or dump him! He’s disrespecting you and your labour. It won’t change cos he has a cushty number in your house now.

ScartlettSole · 09/11/2023 19:50

LaurieStrode · 08/11/2023 11:24

Totally agree.

The kids should be the priority till age 18, not mum's sex life.

So adults can only move in together if they dont have kids? How absurd!

Once you have a child with someone, you cant live with anyone until the childs 18? 🙄

Badgrief · 09/11/2023 19:54

Do one more task for him - pack his bags. If you want a lodger you can find one who will pay rent in advance.

DartmoorDoughnut · 09/11/2023 19:54

Hope your chat went well and he’s been kicked to the curb

WorkSmarter · 09/11/2023 19:59

You gave him a chance and he blew it!!

Pack his bags, take his keys and lock the door. No conversation as nothing he can say can justify using you, being tight and sneering at you too. Wow.
He is some piece ok work and you owe him nothing.

Do yourself a favor and get rid ASAP before the weekend XXX good luck you are too nice xxx

PeachyPeachTrees · 09/11/2023 20:03

He played you, the man you see now is the real man. Don't listen to false promises, you've given him half a year, don't give him anymore. It's your home and the cocklodger has to go.

Grrrrdarling · 09/11/2023 20:04

Bumblebeee33 · 08/11/2023 17:08

Thank you everyone who has commented, I can’t believe the amount of you who have! And who clearly feel very strongly about it too. I have now learnt a new word, cocklodger…

I am feeling like a fool right now. I suppose I knew it already, but was hoping he would change back to who he was in the early days.

He spent quite a lot on me and my kids before moving in. Trips, holidays and meals out. He was the perfect guy in every way. He always had time for me and made a real effort. He also paid half towards some furniture before he moved in so he contributed in that way.

Then he has slowly changed and I thought it was the stress of trying to be with us and at his, with his work and with his child. So I stupidly thought that once he moved in it would be easier for him and we would get to spend more time together.

We now don’t spend really any quality time together unless I organise it and even then he isn’t enthusiastic. He says I’m needy for wanting to spend time together.

He said he was having financial difficulties but that it wasn’t the reason he moved in. He moved in because he wanted to be with me/ us. He is now obviously saving the amount he used to spend on his rent and bills. If he can’t afford to help out here I can’t see how it was possible to stay at his old place?! Which means he is lying about his motivation for moving in.

God I’m angry!

He has also told some lies relating to his finances.

I am going to talk to him tonight when the kids are in bed. If of course he isn’t too busy for me.

@Bumblebeee33 OMG I feel for you & the kids so much.
This guy is not your child yet he is basically treating your home like a hotel & he certainly isn’t acting in a way that would lead me to believe you were in an equal relationship!

Hope the conversation went ok & you are all ok ❤

Update us when you can & good luck 🍀

WeightWhat · 09/11/2023 20:07

How are you, OP?

Pepsi2001 · 09/11/2023 20:11

Pack his stuff and get him out now!! He's a user and you actually know this in your own head.

artsperson · 09/11/2023 20:12

A total moocher. Chuck him out!

Discointhekitchen · 09/11/2023 20:13

Another one who thinks you should change the locks asap and tell him it’s not working.

Arrange a time when he can collect his things and make sure you have company.

He sounds like the kind of guy who ‘knows his rights’ and refuses to move out. ( don’t worry - he’s no more than a house guest- he isn’t even paying rent so he isn’t even a lodger).

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 09/11/2023 20:16

OP not coming back is suggestive that she caved and he did a sob story, so sorry didn’t realise, I have nowhere to go and no money etc. meanwhile her children have less as a result. I’d change the locks whilst he was out and leave his stuff outside, but I’m a bitch

NeverDropYourMooncup · 09/11/2023 20:24

We really need to have an option for, never mind LTB, DTC.

Dump the Cunt.

Cascais · 09/11/2023 20:24

Pays half or moves out

Newnewland · 09/11/2023 20:27

He’s managed to get you to adopt him.

MeinKraft · 09/11/2023 20:29

'So adults can only move in together if they dont have kids? How absurd!

Once you have a child with someone, you cant live with anyone until the childs 18? 🙄'

I wouldn't, nor would lots of people. Not after my experience of having my mums abusive partner move in to our home when I was a child.