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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Boyfriend not paying towards expenses after moving in with me and my children.

696 replies

Bumblebeee33 · 08/11/2023 10:32

My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years and decided to move in together with me and my two school aged children 6 months ago.

He moved into my place that I own outright with no mortgage.
Before moving in he told me he wanted to contribute to the outgoings.

Since moving in he has not contributed at all financially. He has said he is having a tough time financially and not earning from his work as he’s had a lot of clients drop off but has a big job at the end of the year which will bring him in a big cheque. However he still hasn’t offered or suggested to contribute then.

He will, on occasion, buy some groceries if we go to the supermarket together. He will also pick up things he likes to eat on his own time.

He doesn’t do housework as I pay for a cleaner for a few hours a week and then do the rest myself. He is not messy and tidies away his own things.

His child comes to stay every other weekend and I cook for him and we do things together as a family. Often I book these things for us.

When I say that I do a lot for him he sneers and says that I don’t. He doesn’t see that I am doing anything for him as I would ‘still do all the same things if he weren’t living here.’ Like pay the bills, cook, clean, look after the kids. He does his own laundry.

He comes home to a tidy, looked after home with dinner on the table. Although often he will just get a sandwich on the way back from work and not eat what I’ve made.

Before he moved in we used to spend time at his apartment (where he managed to pay the rent and bills and do the housework all alone) and would go away on breaks together and go for meals out. Most of which he would pay for. Since moving in we don’t do those things anymore. We have been away once and I booked, organised and paid for it all.

Am I being unreasonable to expect him to contribute something towards the expenses or should I wait until he is in a better financial position?

OP posts:
Anon39 · 09/11/2023 18:40

I can completely empathise with you OP, my ex (17 years older than me) did this exact thing he loved expense free in my tiny flat with my baby son and basically stockpiled money (he had bad credit) he got me to sign a mortgage with him on a new place then abused me until I nearly hurt myself and had to leave for the sake of my health and son.

He promptly got me off the mortgage (which at that point I would have signed anything to get away from him) and he brought a string of houses which he lets out, so basically I gave him the financial freedom to retire early at my expense.

please don’t let this aberration take advantage of you any further he has already shown you contempt by sneering it won’t get better and you deserve more.

Hatty65 · 09/11/2023 18:43

Don't waste time on a conversation. Particularly if he 'doesn't have time'.

Simply tell him "I don't want you here any more. You need to move out asap. You've got til next weekend to get your stuff out'.

Where he goes and what he does isn't your problem.

SmokedGlass · 09/11/2023 18:45

What a vile man, absolutely no respect for you and your girls
Find your anger and self respect and kick the horrible shit out

StopStartStop · 09/11/2023 18:45

You are being very unreasonable to tolerate this freeloader in your life. Get him out!

Daddydaycare86 · 09/11/2023 18:46

As a guy I am shocked you allowed this for this long! We (couples) are ment to work together. If I'm out at work my missus makes the house lovely like you described and I get home and help out in anything left over like sorting kids bath time or bed time.
If I'm at home and she's working she comes home to a cooked meal and the house tidy the kids sorted etc.

That is partnership.

And while you don't have to answer this part, doesn't his attitude/persona affect bedroom activities or does he get the full package of access to your house, money and body despite not being what you need?!🤐

Tell this chap that either he: gets smart financially and helps out in all things, or at the veeeeery least make sure that you don't need to stress about a thing. I.e: if he isn't paying stuff then he at least isn't costing you anything...

But that ship may have sailed anyway and "out" like others have said may be the only option...👀

MagicFarawayTea · 09/11/2023 18:46

You’ve bagged yourself a cocklodger, pet. REMOVE HIM.

SylvieB74 · 09/11/2023 18:51

This is awful. He’s probably laughing at you and he thinks you’re stupid.

Lilibert456 · 09/11/2023 18:55

What a fool you are. Are you that desperate that you allow yourself and your children to be used by this poor excuse for a man. You should find some self esteem and remove this freeloader from your home immediately.

SpiralHecate · 09/11/2023 18:59

Sounds like he was Mr Nice Guy while he was reeling you in and now he's in your home living off you he's showing his true colours.

Get rid.

GotNewHair · 09/11/2023 19:02

OP after you have muted his squeals of indignation, fake promises and tantrums could could not date anyone until you really believe you are amazing and anyone who gets to be with you should know that. Relationships only work when you both take care of the other person, however that is shown, because you want to.

SomewhereInTheMIdlands · 09/11/2023 19:02

He is a scrotum and will not improve with time. Its that simple.

Sennelier1 · 09/11/2023 19:04

YANBU at all, but since your man thinks you are, I think you should ditch him ASAP.

GotNewHair · 09/11/2023 19:04

Is there anyone who can help you evict him as you really don’t owe him anything like conversation.

Mumkins42 · 09/11/2023 19:05

Why do women move these hideous men into their children's home. Do you know how much your kids will hate this. If he was a dream partner and cared about you and your kids it's still so hard on the kids

You are blind as a bat to have this waster in your house under these circumstances. What is wrong with you. If he's doing this do you think he gives one stuff about your kids. Can't you just date separately in your own homes FFS.

Next time you move the next one in to your kids home it's probably best to spell out terms and expected before letting them in

Sage71 · 09/11/2023 19:16

Move him right back out

LoneFemaleTraveller · 09/11/2023 19:17

nomadmummy · 09/11/2023 18:27

Who the hell are the 3% that think you are being unreasonable ?? This is abusive behaviour.

Those who believe she is unreasonable for allowing him to breath the same air as her children.

Johna69 · 09/11/2023 19:25

He's laughing at you,no rent to pay or other bills,funny how he's struggling a bit since moving in with you,but had no problem paying his own bills before,don't be a mug.if he contributed fairly you would have more money for your kids.

Nanaof1 · 09/11/2023 19:26

He was able to pay bills before and "now" he cannot? After he moves in with you? He needs to move back out. He is using you and sadly, you are letting him. The jerk has excuses up the yingyang and has been rude and unkind. WHY on earth are you putting up with that? He was able to hide his true self before, but no longer feels he needs to put a decent foot forward. When someone shows you their true colors, believe them. They will not change.

EMGEMG · 09/11/2023 19:27

So sorry this is going on. I'm writing this with some compassion because I've lived with someone who ended up using me to pay his mortgage and get custody to his son (he was in a seemingly stable relationship - made him look like a better father). I ended up having a breakdown due to his vile behaviour. Please don't put yourself in a position of vulnerability for any man who isn't supporting you in the way you need him to. Put yourself and family first and take care of yourself.

Coffeemaniac · 09/11/2023 19:28

Chuck him out

Shutyourcakehole · 09/11/2023 19:32

My own DM did this. It had a HUGE negative impact to the extent my DSIS and I no longer have much of a relationship with her, because she continued to prioritise the cocklodger over her kids. Including making us forgo any further education after high school. We were made to get jobs instantly to pay our way, (or get out!) while he continued to sit pretty. But when we weren't earning enough, in is opinion, we were still kicked out. We were only young teens.

And she sat back and let that happen.

After he'd managed to get her house in his name, made her hand over all her savings to him and kicked her out of the main bedroom and she slept on the sofa, he then left her for someone else. Another woman with her own house, assets and a business.

The daughter they have together (my DHSIS) tells me he then set about taking over the new womans house, had her put in his name and has started turning her against her kids.

My DM lost everything and is now in a tiny social housing flat after having a 5 bed 3 bath detached house with land.

He started out as Mr Charming. Took her out all the time, went on holidays, bought her a car, flowers all the time and jewellery. Paid for everything. He was just laying himself some very sturdy foundations!

Be careful how long you allow a cocklodger to become embedded in your home and your life. One day, you could lose everything, including your kids, and live to regret it.

DarkwingDuk · 09/11/2023 19:34

Please update on what happened. Hope you’re ok.

likethislikethat · 09/11/2023 19:34

Sorry but he has to go.

Get someone to take care of the kids, bring round a friend or two and then tell him to sling his hook and take his keys off him.

One raised voice and it is 999 on the phone, I'm serious.

Not your problem where he sleeps tonight.

It is over, you don't need a pathetic excuse like this for a partner.

TeaAndTattoos · 09/11/2023 19:35

He was stringing you along the whole time and now that he’s got his feet under the table he is letting the mask slip and your starting to see the real him this is what he has always been like he just didn’t want you to know it until he had convinced you to let him move in otherwise you would’ve shown him the toe of your boot before it got this far. It’s time for him to be shown the door and told exactly why he’s a massive cocklodger.

Booksdebbieo · 09/11/2023 19:40

Think carefully would you allow any other adult to move in and contribute nothing? This isn't a partner, even if finances were tight he is not showing you the slightest respect. A partner is someone who would do anything to lessen your load, to support you through good times and bad. It costs little for him to continue wooing u, a bath, relaxing music, a stroll in the countryside, taking the kids off to give u a break. He buys himself a sandwich but thinks nothing about anyone else having one. His child stays over and u are the one organising a fun day. This goes beyond contributing financially he is not even contributing physically or emotionally. He is a complete freeloader and u are allowing it

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