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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Boyfriend not paying towards expenses after moving in with me and my children.

696 replies

Bumblebeee33 · 08/11/2023 10:32

My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years and decided to move in together with me and my two school aged children 6 months ago.

He moved into my place that I own outright with no mortgage.
Before moving in he told me he wanted to contribute to the outgoings.

Since moving in he has not contributed at all financially. He has said he is having a tough time financially and not earning from his work as he’s had a lot of clients drop off but has a big job at the end of the year which will bring him in a big cheque. However he still hasn’t offered or suggested to contribute then.

He will, on occasion, buy some groceries if we go to the supermarket together. He will also pick up things he likes to eat on his own time.

He doesn’t do housework as I pay for a cleaner for a few hours a week and then do the rest myself. He is not messy and tidies away his own things.

His child comes to stay every other weekend and I cook for him and we do things together as a family. Often I book these things for us.

When I say that I do a lot for him he sneers and says that I don’t. He doesn’t see that I am doing anything for him as I would ‘still do all the same things if he weren’t living here.’ Like pay the bills, cook, clean, look after the kids. He does his own laundry.

He comes home to a tidy, looked after home with dinner on the table. Although often he will just get a sandwich on the way back from work and not eat what I’ve made.

Before he moved in we used to spend time at his apartment (where he managed to pay the rent and bills and do the housework all alone) and would go away on breaks together and go for meals out. Most of which he would pay for. Since moving in we don’t do those things anymore. We have been away once and I booked, organised and paid for it all.

Am I being unreasonable to expect him to contribute something towards the expenses or should I wait until he is in a better financial position?

OP posts:
Bunchymcbunchface · 09/11/2023 17:49

No, you were love bombed.
it was basically a Mr nice guy’ act.
now he’s in and got his feet under the table he’s a full blown cocklodger.

talking to him will be an exercise in gaslighting and page 101 of the blame game. Not one bit of it will be his fault and you will be entirely unreasonable.

notagoodidea · 09/11/2023 17:52

Chase the bad boy and this is the result...

Yeetpetite · 09/11/2023 17:52

I think he’s mugging you off personally and is taking advantage of your good nature. I find it hard to believe he was able to afford his own place, nights out and holidays, and now can’t afford to contribute anything at all to your home. My ex did this and I had to get rid as he did nothing to help & wanted me to pay for everything, I was actually better off him not being there, financially and mentally. Think you deserve better, and I’m sure he’ll suddenly find money to support himself if you kick him out. Good luck.

Suchasonganddance · 09/11/2023 17:56

Have you no self respect. What an example you are setting your poor children.

Yeetpetite · 09/11/2023 17:56

PS just change the locks when he’s out and dump his stuff outside if he’s difficult about moving out if you ditch him (which I really hope you do as he sounds like an entitled narcissist). As he hasn’t contributed a penny he hasn’t got a leg to stand on.

CandyLeBonBon · 09/11/2023 17:57

C1N1C · 09/11/2023 07:38

@CandyLeBonBon

Truthfully no, I missed the update (400 messages to scroll through!)... but I believe my comment still stands. Ignorance, taking it for granted, even turning a blind eye... I think a sensible thing would be to simply highlight the actual costs and give him an ultimatum.

So you didn't read the bit op him sneering at OP, when she raised the issue then? I really think reading the full thread - or at least the OP's contributions might be useful! I cant honestly see how you can genuinely think there's a valid reason for his behaviour.

Utterly bizarre Confused

MeinKraft · 09/11/2023 17:58

The way I see it he is stealing from your children by expecting you to fund his lifestyle. Bin him off.

Pamalot · 09/11/2023 17:59

The classic Cocklodger!

MeinKraft · 09/11/2023 18:02

SleepingStandingUp · 09/11/2023 10:01

You need to be upfront.

When we lived apart you could afford to pay bills and treats, you enjoyed doing thoughtful things for me, you kept your palace tidy. Now you think I should do it all because I do it for my kids. You aren't my kid. You're my partner
Living together is supposed to benefit us both. How am I benefiting? You don't pay your way, you don't clean your home and we have less quality time together.
I think we moved in too soon.

All he will hear is blah blah blah.

pphammer · 09/11/2023 18:02

Red flags all over... Watch out

Pussycat22 · 09/11/2023 18:04

Bye Bye baby bye bye .....

PickyCat · 09/11/2023 18:07

Honestly I read threads like this and realise what a sheltered life I've lived. There are some utterly shit excuses for men out there and just when you think you've heard it all you hear some more.

And to @Nonimai can I say I'm so glad you got shot of your cocklodger, what a nasty experience.

Good luck to the OP and to anyone else who is dealing with or trying to get over anything similar.

Justsaying22 · 09/11/2023 18:12

You know that you are not being unreasonable but still you allow this to go on. I’m not sure if you are afraid of being on your own, as otherwise I’m not sure why you would carry on paying for everything and allow him to live for free in your house.

Mittleme · 09/11/2023 18:13

Wow so is he living rent free ?

Leo1195 · 09/11/2023 18:15

Most people will scream at you to move him out but it’s not as easy as that. have a proper conversation with him look at both of your finances and work out what is fair for the both of you to pay. Under no circumstances should you be paying for the majority when both of you have a job and are living there or should you be doing all the house work. Sit down like adults and work it and if he refuses then look at moving him out. Good luck!

RamblingRosiePosy · 09/11/2023 18:17

He saw you coming.

defi · 09/11/2023 18:18

He's really landed on his feet

Mumof32017 · 09/11/2023 18:24

Fuck no! He’s a leech and piss taker. Sounds like my husband who I’m gearing up to leave as he’s so selfish, never contributes to anything - his one bill is the rent and even then he asks me for a top up. I pay for everything we do, if I didn’t plan and pay my kids would do and have sod all. Fuck him off if he’s unwilling to see your side.

nomadmummy · 09/11/2023 18:27

Who the hell are the 3% that think you are being unreasonable ?? This is abusive behaviour.

Spoonfulrocks · 09/11/2023 18:29

Get rid.

AbbeyGailsParty · 09/11/2023 18:30

Mumof3confused · 08/11/2023 10:39

He is showing you who he really is. The before bit was just a show to snare you.

Kick him out.

This.

GetBackIntoBed · 09/11/2023 18:31

nomadmummy · 09/11/2023 18:27

Who the hell are the 3% that think you are being unreasonable ?? This is abusive behaviour.

I think some people me get so fed up with ruddy obvious AIBU questions that they I YABU for the hell of it

VickyBlue · 09/11/2023 18:38

Gosh sounds awful. Cohabitating with someone like that. Lick him out.

Bongosbingos · 09/11/2023 18:38

Bumblebeee33 · 08/11/2023 17:08

Thank you everyone who has commented, I can’t believe the amount of you who have! And who clearly feel very strongly about it too. I have now learnt a new word, cocklodger…

I am feeling like a fool right now. I suppose I knew it already, but was hoping he would change back to who he was in the early days.

He spent quite a lot on me and my kids before moving in. Trips, holidays and meals out. He was the perfect guy in every way. He always had time for me and made a real effort. He also paid half towards some furniture before he moved in so he contributed in that way.

Then he has slowly changed and I thought it was the stress of trying to be with us and at his, with his work and with his child. So I stupidly thought that once he moved in it would be easier for him and we would get to spend more time together.

We now don’t spend really any quality time together unless I organise it and even then he isn’t enthusiastic. He says I’m needy for wanting to spend time together.

He said he was having financial difficulties but that it wasn’t the reason he moved in. He moved in because he wanted to be with me/ us. He is now obviously saving the amount he used to spend on his rent and bills. If he can’t afford to help out here I can’t see how it was possible to stay at his old place?! Which means he is lying about his motivation for moving in.

God I’m angry!

He has also told some lies relating to his finances.

I am going to talk to him tonight when the kids are in bed. If of course he isn’t too busy for me.

How did your talk go OP?

Mymilkshakebringsallthepapstomycar · 09/11/2023 18:38

nomadmummy · 09/11/2023 18:27

Who the hell are the 3% that think you are being unreasonable ?? This is abusive behaviour.

Well I am one of them, because the same bloody thread appears every week. The OP is well aware she is being taken for a ride and treated with hatred and contempt, yet still she is going to have a nicey nicey conversation with him to reason with him; and if - big of- she actually has the wherewithal to do this, he will fill her head full of crap, nothing will change, and she’ll be complaining again in a few weeks about how she’s being treated. Meanwhile she suffers, her kids suffer, he wears her down, her kids watch their mum being abused by a scary man in their home, and they have zero power to do anything but look on and hope he doesn’t turn on them. So yes, OP is fucking unreasonable. If she posts that she’s slung the cocklodging fucker out, I will change my vote.