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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Boyfriend not paying towards expenses after moving in with me and my children.

696 replies

Bumblebeee33 · 08/11/2023 10:32

My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years and decided to move in together with me and my two school aged children 6 months ago.

He moved into my place that I own outright with no mortgage.
Before moving in he told me he wanted to contribute to the outgoings.

Since moving in he has not contributed at all financially. He has said he is having a tough time financially and not earning from his work as he’s had a lot of clients drop off but has a big job at the end of the year which will bring him in a big cheque. However he still hasn’t offered or suggested to contribute then.

He will, on occasion, buy some groceries if we go to the supermarket together. He will also pick up things he likes to eat on his own time.

He doesn’t do housework as I pay for a cleaner for a few hours a week and then do the rest myself. He is not messy and tidies away his own things.

His child comes to stay every other weekend and I cook for him and we do things together as a family. Often I book these things for us.

When I say that I do a lot for him he sneers and says that I don’t. He doesn’t see that I am doing anything for him as I would ‘still do all the same things if he weren’t living here.’ Like pay the bills, cook, clean, look after the kids. He does his own laundry.

He comes home to a tidy, looked after home with dinner on the table. Although often he will just get a sandwich on the way back from work and not eat what I’ve made.

Before he moved in we used to spend time at his apartment (where he managed to pay the rent and bills and do the housework all alone) and would go away on breaks together and go for meals out. Most of which he would pay for. Since moving in we don’t do those things anymore. We have been away once and I booked, organised and paid for it all.

Am I being unreasonable to expect him to contribute something towards the expenses or should I wait until he is in a better financial position?

OP posts:
Nonimai · 09/11/2023 07:15

I have been worrying foryou. I was in a similar situation but with one child. I had inherited my terraced house, met a seemingly generous and lovely man, moved him in. After a few weeks a friend told me he had cheated. I confronted him, asked him to leave. The next day he changed the locks on the house and put our clothes insuitcases which he threw into the garden. The police were no help at all. They went to see him and said he had a right to be there, it was a civil matter. Eventually I was able to evict him but it took about 15 wks. Fortunately I stayed with my parents, but otherwise I would have had an absolute nightmare, as it was I didn’t have my stuff or my daughters toys etc. He kept saying he wanted £20k for the inconvenience. I didn’t move anyone in again after that.

Beautiful3 · 09/11/2023 07:16

You cannot allow this to continue. He obviously has money, as he's no longer paying any rent or bills like he used to. He's clearly using you. You can't keep subsidising him, with money meant for you and your child. It's unfair on your child. I'd explain that you're not happy with living together, so he needs to move out within a week. I cannot believe that someone who would do that to you, loves you. He is using you.

Breakingpoint1961 · 09/11/2023 07:16

Did you do your due diligence as to where you stand legally with this man residing with you? He can make a claim on your property I'm sure, so if you're planning to let him stay I'd get legal advice and something drawn up.

Personally I'd tell him he has to leave, you've made it far too easy for him, he's a piss taker of the highest degree!

SalmonnomlaS · 09/11/2023 07:29

NicecupofEarlGrey · 08/11/2023 17:20

His one child visits every other weekend, her two children are there full time. I agree he needs to go and isn’t being fair on her, but I standby the fact he’s not responsible for paying for her kids.

Yes but he is responsible for cleaning (or paying for cleaner) over and above just cleaning after himself and other joint house responsibilities.

Timeforanewnam · 09/11/2023 07:31

So I can move in , tidy house , no bills , food sorted for me , and you will look after my kids all weekend? And I don’t even have to be nice to you ?

I know a deal when I see one ! When can I move in ?

cheddercherry · 09/11/2023 07:38

I wouldn’t have anyone sneering at me who was living rent free in my home and couldn’t even give me the time of day.

When someone tells you who they are, listen. He’s played an absolute blinder.

C1N1C · 09/11/2023 07:38

@CandyLeBonBon

Truthfully no, I missed the update (400 messages to scroll through!)... but I believe my comment still stands. Ignorance, taking it for granted, even turning a blind eye... I think a sensible thing would be to simply highlight the actual costs and give him an ultimatum.

Lochness1975 · 09/11/2023 07:41

OP wake up and smell the coffee! You have a man who has a PHD in cocklodgery! Get rid before he fleeces you for everything you have!

Conkersinautumn · 09/11/2023 07:48

No need for a locksmith, change the barrels yourself it's straightforward, cheaper and pretty quick. It's your house, why would you allow someone trying to gaslight you in it?!

jeaux90 · 09/11/2023 07:51

OP I'm a lone parent and it's always so heartening to see other women who have worked hard for financial independence whilst bringing their kids up.

Don't give that away.

I feel for your kids, he never should have moved in. You are now simply his support human. Bad relationship dynamics to be showing your kids.

I've been with my partner 7 years. We waited and waited until the kids were the right age, his off to university and mine at the right point too. We still don't live together, maybe next year will be right.

My point is I don't understand why you were in such a hurry to move him in.

RedSuedePump · 09/11/2023 07:52

imagine a friend was describing the above situation to you - what would you say to them?

tell him he needs to start contributing to bills and expenses. if he doesn’t - ditch him. he has shown you his true colours - he’s a sponger who doesn’t have any respect for you.

if you decide to put up with this then you have no right to complain about it.

whocaresmore · 09/11/2023 08:20

Hope you're ok this morning OP

LookItsMeAgain · 09/11/2023 09:15

How did your chat go last night @Bumblebeee33 ?
Hope you're doing ok this morning.

TakemedowntoPotatoCity · 09/11/2023 09:30

I always feel for the kids in these scenarios. Two years is nothing when you've got young kids. It's depressing. P!ease show him the door, you will ALL be happier.

Drpawpawspaw · 09/11/2023 09:34

@Bumblebeee33 I hope you had that chat and that he is now packing his bags 💞

Shoemadlady · 09/11/2023 09:49

You already know the answer. He needs to leave. He is completely using you

MrTiddlesTheCat · 09/11/2023 09:52

He's taking the piss which tells you all you need to know about the level of his respect for you.

SweetBirdsong · 09/11/2023 09:55

He's worse than your average garden cocklodger. He is absolutely vile. Get rid NOW @Bumblebeee33

SleepingStandingUp · 09/11/2023 10:01

You need to be upfront.

When we lived apart you could afford to pay bills and treats, you enjoyed doing thoughtful things for me, you kept your palace tidy. Now you think I should do it all because I do it for my kids. You aren't my kid. You're my partner
Living together is supposed to benefit us both. How am I benefiting? You don't pay your way, you don't clean your home and we have less quality time together.
I think we moved in too soon.

Emotionalsupportviper · 09/11/2023 10:24

Nonimai · 09/11/2023 07:15

I have been worrying foryou. I was in a similar situation but with one child. I had inherited my terraced house, met a seemingly generous and lovely man, moved him in. After a few weeks a friend told me he had cheated. I confronted him, asked him to leave. The next day he changed the locks on the house and put our clothes insuitcases which he threw into the garden. The police were no help at all. They went to see him and said he had a right to be there, it was a civil matter. Eventually I was able to evict him but it took about 15 wks. Fortunately I stayed with my parents, but otherwise I would have had an absolute nightmare, as it was I didn’t have my stuff or my daughters toys etc. He kept saying he wanted £20k for the inconvenience. I didn’t move anyone in again after that.

EFFING HELL! 😮

Another good reason for not giving your CL warning @Bumblebeee33

Aurasauras · 09/11/2023 10:29

Good points made re property. I would change the locks and put his stuff outside and have some male relatives stay for a day or two. You are his meal ticket and he isn’t going to take this well.

SlipperyLizard · 09/11/2023 10:51

My friend’s ex is currently working through this manoeuvre on his new girlfriend.

Trips abroad, holidays with her & her kids, no doubt no expense spared. Except behind the scenes he’s drowning in debt and will inevitably go bankrupt soon. We’re waiting to see if he will manage to get her to allow him to move in before the house of cards comes crumbling down.

He’s a love bomber and potential cocklodger, just like your boyfriend OP.

Newestname002 · 09/11/2023 11:13

Nonimai · 09/11/2023 07:15

I have been worrying foryou. I was in a similar situation but with one child. I had inherited my terraced house, met a seemingly generous and lovely man, moved him in. After a few weeks a friend told me he had cheated. I confronted him, asked him to leave. The next day he changed the locks on the house and put our clothes insuitcases which he threw into the garden. The police were no help at all. They went to see him and said he had a right to be there, it was a civil matter. Eventually I was able to evict him but it took about 15 wks. Fortunately I stayed with my parents, but otherwise I would have had an absolute nightmare, as it was I didn’t have my stuff or my daughters toys etc. He kept saying he wanted £20k for the inconvenience. I didn’t move anyone in again after that.

Well this is a salutary lesson if ever there was one. I'm even more determined to keep my home to myself without any potential hangers on. 🌹

ToadOnTheHill · 09/11/2023 13:12

He was never "who he used to be".

He put on a mask.

That's how many women end up in abusive situations. A man diesnt hit a woman on the first date, coercively control her, or financially abuse her.

Useless men dont get a free ride by showing you that's what they want. They pretend to be generous, warm. Then when they get their feet under the table they rely on you chasing the high if the early days and you excusing their behavioural because you rationalise that they never used to he like that so you need to fix the problem (that doesnt exist).

They rely on you gas lighting yourself.

fairymary87 · 09/11/2023 17:19

Oh he's taking you for a ride sweetheart. I'm so sorry to say it, he's absolutely hooked you in and has no intention of paying you and never will. You need to break this off for the sake of your kids x

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