Boyfriend not paying towards expenses after moving in with me and my children.

[Bumblebeee33]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years and decided to move in together with me and my two school aged children 6 months ago.

He moved into my place that I own outright with no mortgage.
Before moving in he told me he wanted to contribute to the outgoings.

Since moving in he has not contributed at all financially. He has said he is having a tough time financially and not earning from his work as he’s had a lot of clients drop off but has a big job at the end of the year which will bring him in a big cheque. However he still hasn’t offered or suggested to contribute then.

He will, on occasion, buy some groceries if we go to the supermarket together. He will also pick up things he likes to eat on his own time.

He doesn’t do housework as I pay for a cleaner for a few hours a week and then do the rest myself. He is not messy and tidies away his own things.

His child comes to stay every other weekend and I cook for him and we do things together as a family. Often I book these things for us.

When I say that I do a lot for him he sneers and says that I don’t. He doesn’t see that I am doing anything for him as I would ‘still do all the same things if he weren’t living here.’ Like pay the bills, cook, clean, look after the kids. He does his own laundry.

He comes home to a tidy, looked after home with dinner on the table. Although often he will just get a sandwich on the way back from work and not eat what I’ve made.

Before he moved in we used to spend time at his apartment (where he managed to pay the rent and bills and do the housework all alone) and would go away on breaks together and go for meals out. Most of which he would pay for. Since moving in we don’t do those things anymore. We have been away once and I booked, organised and paid for it all.

Am I being unreasonable to expect him to contribute something towards the expenses or should I wait until he is in a better financial position?

Okay he is taking the piss. You need to write a list of all the living expenses bills etc and divide it up. As you said he was paying rent and bills before he moved in with you.
It is not that you are doing all the chores anyway, it is that resentment will build that you feel you are just doing it all and he lets you.
Have a firm calm chat with him, give him the list of what he has to pay, also for activities for his child he has to pay. Why are you paying for it all or you both go halves if your children involved.
You also need to keep a bit of romance involved, time for just the two of you but seems he is taking you for granted and now he has moved in he is just literally taking the piss.
If he says he will not pay ask him to leave or you will regret it.
It sounds like you work hard and have a comfortable life and he thinks he can just move in and not contribute, next he will be looking for a stake in your house. I would never move a man in if had small children unless he was willing to contribute his share and would have a will/trust fund set up for the children so he can never touch your house as that is for your children.
What does he add to your life. He is treating you like his mother.

Not only are you not unreasonable, sadly, you're a fool for letting this go on. You sound like a bright woman: organized, raising kids on your own, self-sufficient and mortgage-free.
BUT, your partner is a loser and you're his mummy.

Dear Op,

It is not true that having any man at all is better than having no man at all.

Get rid of him.

Boyfriend is not husband. It's written on the tin. Out. Tough I know, but that is the only viable solution.

@Littlelucas is being ironic.

He's using you. I'm sorry, OP. You deserve better.

Don't do any of this. Just get rid.

He has already showed his true colours - sneering at her and saying she does nothing for him. Refusing to much spend time with her now he's moved in and calling her 'needy' for wanting the basics of a relationship. After initially pretending to be someone he isn't.

He is using her for cooking, cleaning, a free home and sex (probably). He isn't a person of good character. If he was, he would have contributed by now.

Just get rid!

The honeymoon period is wearing off and he is showing you who he is. Get rid of him ASAP.

OP, ASSERT YOURSELF! He is royally taking the piss, and he's not a nice guy. Get him the fuck out of your house and out of your life.

Going somewhat against the grain here...

Did you really expect to come on MN saying a man practically lives with you and doesn't contribute would receive anything other than LTB?

I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt here... he might not actually be aware of all the things you do for him and his child that cost money.

If you love him, and think this might simply be an oversight, tot up all the expenses and time you put into things for him and present it to him, stating that money and time is tight and if he wants to be there long term, this is the minimum contribution needed. If he says he can't afford it, then you have a decision to make... either cut back on time and money for him (I.e. stop cooking, see him less etc), or accept it with the hope that it will be paid back in the long-term.

Have you read the OP's update?

And also wtf? "he might not actually be aware of all the things you do for him and his child that cost money."

He might not realise that children cost money?

That's a hell of a knot to tie yourself in to give someone the benefit of the doubt! And frankly, a ridiculous take!

You're putting this cocklodger above your own children. He's taking resources and energy that you could be spending on them, or yourself!

Did you talk to him, OP?

This one is an arsehole. He played you to get to move in.

he is awful. Rude to you? Wtf? Make him leave.

He's a cocktail lodger and you need to get shut of him.

His attitude stinks you can do far better.

What did he say when you spoke to him OP?

Have you kicked him out yet?

You are now his mummy.

"When I say that I do a lot for him he sneers"

I would kick him out for this alone.

I hope you talked with him and told him he needs to leave.

Don't do any of this. Just get rid.
his true colours - sneering at her

This.

That first curl of the lip should have sealed his fate! We can convince ourselves of anything (because sometimes thinking we are being in love makes us ridiculously accepting - but contempt!

This will get worse and worse @Bumblebeee33 , and he will destroy your self-esteem, start telling you that you are a a mess and lazy, chasing other women and then blaming you HIS infidelities, and will one day (when it suits him) move onto another victim - but it will be YOUR fault.

And you and your children will be left emotionally and psychologically damaged and financially much poorer - because not only will he have sponged off you for years, maybe decades, but he will also have a claim on your home, that YOU have paid for.

I know it's easy for us to say because we haven't got an emotional investment in this sorry apology for a man, but so many of us have learned the hard way - my word we have!

At the very least get out and buy a rent book. Decide what you want to charge him (if he doesn't like it, he can shove off), Make sure you include food, utilities and his childcare costs when s/he is with you in this figure, and tell him that's the deal from now on, and if he isn't happy, then he knows where the door is. Tell him that he can start paying what he owes for the past 6 months in easy payments of £X added to his weekly/monthly rent until it is paid off. You are a nice person, so you won't charge him any interest.

If he is a lodger, even one who shares your bed, he won't later be able to claim any of your assets, as I understand it.

But honestly - you will save yourself and your children so much heartbreak in the long run if you just tell him "OUT!".

Do you have a family member or friend who could support you through this, and be with you when you give him the ultimatum (whichever one you choose)? They won't be swayed by his emotional/ angry/ self-pitying appeals the way you might be.

Stop being such a doormat 🙈
of course he must contribute. He is taking advantage of you!

There is a type of man who preys on single mums because they know they will have a free home and meals. They just move onto the next one if you chuck them out. He could be working on your replacement now.
They will either love bomb or gaslight you. Often showing hostility.
I was married to one for 17 years before I saw what he was. He moved onto my reacement as soon as he left me and is living his best life at her expense. Its sickening. I was traumatised by the experience.
Get rid of this leech now.