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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Boyfriend not paying towards expenses after moving in with me and my children.

696 replies

Bumblebeee33 · 08/11/2023 10:32

My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years and decided to move in together with me and my two school aged children 6 months ago.

He moved into my place that I own outright with no mortgage.
Before moving in he told me he wanted to contribute to the outgoings.

Since moving in he has not contributed at all financially. He has said he is having a tough time financially and not earning from his work as he’s had a lot of clients drop off but has a big job at the end of the year which will bring him in a big cheque. However he still hasn’t offered or suggested to contribute then.

He will, on occasion, buy some groceries if we go to the supermarket together. He will also pick up things he likes to eat on his own time.

He doesn’t do housework as I pay for a cleaner for a few hours a week and then do the rest myself. He is not messy and tidies away his own things.

His child comes to stay every other weekend and I cook for him and we do things together as a family. Often I book these things for us.

When I say that I do a lot for him he sneers and says that I don’t. He doesn’t see that I am doing anything for him as I would ‘still do all the same things if he weren’t living here.’ Like pay the bills, cook, clean, look after the kids. He does his own laundry.

He comes home to a tidy, looked after home with dinner on the table. Although often he will just get a sandwich on the way back from work and not eat what I’ve made.

Before he moved in we used to spend time at his apartment (where he managed to pay the rent and bills and do the housework all alone) and would go away on breaks together and go for meals out. Most of which he would pay for. Since moving in we don’t do those things anymore. We have been away once and I booked, organised and paid for it all.

Am I being unreasonable to expect him to contribute something towards the expenses or should I wait until he is in a better financial position?

OP posts:
CynicalOne · 08/11/2023 18:18

I think you should get him out as quickly as possible, preferably tomorrow before, God forbid, he decides he’s got rights to your house because you’re cohabiting and it’s now a shared family home.

Change the locks.

Pack his stuff up, and get rid of him.

He sounds absolutely awful.

I’m not sure what you see in him tbh.

What a repellent human being he is!

GreekDogRescue · 08/11/2023 18:20

The cocklodger skilfully groomed you.
Dump him.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 08/11/2023 18:20

Fuck that shit. Chuck the lazy entitled cock lodging man child out. No discussion needed. It’s not working for me-you need to leave by the end of the month.

GreekDogRescue · 08/11/2023 18:21

Say you need your space.
F&ck him accusing you of being ‘needy’.

EtiennePalmiere · 08/11/2023 18:23

Another thread, another shocking story of abuse when a man gets what he wants and then shows his true colours. OP, please dump him.

Mymilkshakebringsallthepapstomycar · 08/11/2023 18:32

Another thread were some gullible woman thinks you can reason with a man like this and appeal to his better side - the one he rolled out to hook her in. That's called love bombing. It's what abusers do. Why on earth do you think that bloke is anything other than a smoke and mirrors illusion? Why do you think he bought furniture? Because he knew he was going to start torturing you with psychological abuse, and wants a toe hold in your property in order to resist you getting rid. Just sling him the fuck out and his bloody 3 piece suite too. He's already treated you with a massive amount of disrespect and., frankly, hatred. Why do you want to reason with that?

superninny101 · 08/11/2023 18:33

If you wobble, think of what you are modelling to your children. Would this be good enough for them? No. Get him out. Refocus all your efforts (financial and otherwise) on them. Think very carefully about any future relationships under your roof while your children are still at home.

Mymilkshakebringsallthepapstomycar · 08/11/2023 18:33

And yes, he does hate you. He's a fucking loser and he knows it, and he resents your good fortune, as well as being attracted to it for his own gain. He's bringing you down a peg or two and trying to break you so you give him everything he asks for - which will be rights to your property. Because nothing else will be good enough for him, this is the thing he wants and why he minimises and refuses to acknowledge anything else you do for him

HeavenCANTwait · 08/11/2023 18:38

What you should expect when you say what you think is tears, romance and a heartfelt marriage proposal where he promises to share all his money with you

All designed to get your money long term by a manipulative tosspot

Without getting rid of him now you will be back here six months into marriage saying roughly the same thing

tpxqi · 08/11/2023 18:41

GreekDogRescue · 08/11/2023 18:20

The cocklodger skilfully groomed you.
Dump him.

He didn’t groom her. She’s a mug. She chooses to put up with it.

fetchacloth · 08/11/2023 19:12

billyt · 08/11/2023 10:35

You've got yourself a cocklodger.

He needs to either start paying his way, or move back out.

Yup, totally. Get rid before things get worse.

Lilyt14 · 08/11/2023 19:13

Don’t be too hard on yourself OP. If you search ‘cocklodger’ on mumsnet you’ll see just how many other posts like yours there are on mumsnet!

Well done for reaching out and realising that he is an issue. Be prepared for him to suddenly change again when you try to end things. He’ll no doubt promise you the world, but remember the sneering person that you are seeing currently (now that he feels he’s got himself into your house) is exactly the person that he is. His previous form was just lovebombing to get you to commit .

PrinnyPree · 08/11/2023 19:15

I'm not even voting on this because YABU to even consider letting this cocklodger leech of you a second more. Throw this one back, you don't have a partner you have a sneery manchild.

pinkyredrose · 08/11/2023 19:53

Who's idea was it for him to move in?

MeridianB · 08/11/2023 21:08

You sound awesome OP.

Really glad you’re on the case. Good luck tonight!

Ibravedaflood · 08/11/2023 21:46

Bet his speech includes :Where will he live.. How will he see his dc... You owe him for furniture.. He was saving to buy you a ring. He suggests ttc... He claims to have booked a surprise holiday... Or all of the above...

CandyLeBonBon · 08/11/2023 22:13

Oh op I feel your pain. I went through similar and once I'd moved down, it was like he'd simply turned a tap off. It was so jarring and sadly the story is very similar to yours. Get rid and live your best life!

Dutiful · 08/11/2023 23:02

GreekDogRescue · 08/11/2023 18:20

The cocklodger skilfully groomed you.
Dump him.

I'd never heard about Andrew Tate before seeing an expose on the tv recently. (I know where have I been under a rock.)
But OP's situation reminded me of the same type of grooming and no amount of "sitting down and talking" is going to change anything.

CleansUpButWouldPreferNotTo · 08/11/2023 23:31

Good luck OP, as soon as he's out get the locks changed even if he returns his keys. And get on to the council right away to reclaim your one-person CTax discount.

HaveSomeIntrospect · 09/11/2023 00:01

I hope the conversation goes well

blackfluffycat · 09/11/2023 00:08

Littlelucas · 08/11/2023 11:48

Does he have a golden cock op?

Coz I can’t think of any other reason you’d keep him around. And you can always buy yourself a vibrator and save some money!

How bizarre? As long as the sex is good a man can treat you however he pleases?

uncomfortablydumb53 · 09/11/2023 00:46

Get rid of this parasite
You are literally paying for his company, such as it is!
He doesn't appreciate you or care for you
Concentrate on yourself and your DC

Saggypants · 09/11/2023 01:36

He said he was having financial difficulties but that it wasn’t the reason he moved in. He moved in because he wanted to be with me/ us. He is now obviously saving the amount he used to spend on his rent and bills. If he can’t afford to help out here I can’t see how it was possible to stay at his old place?! Which means he is lying about his motivation for moving in.

This reminded me of my XH's strategy. He took on huge debt in order to present himself as successful and financially stable. He was not. I didn't know I was pairing up with a financial black hole until it was too late. In some ways, I am still paying for it 20 years later.

It's possible your delightful fella has actually ruined himself trying to attract and keep what he sees as a high value woman, i.e. you, i.e. someone who has the means to keep him in the lifestyle he thinks he deserves but can't afford himself.

Catsmere · 09/11/2023 01:43

Cocklodger. Get rid.

Catsmere · 09/11/2023 01:45

blackfluffycat · 09/11/2023 00:08

How bizarre? As long as the sex is good a man can treat you however he pleases?

I read @Littlelucas's comment as saying he has absolutely nothing else going for him and wondering why OP bothers, not saying anything justifies his behaviour or suggesting she should put up with it.