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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Boyfriend not paying towards expenses after moving in with me and my children.

696 replies

Bumblebeee33 · 08/11/2023 10:32

My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years and decided to move in together with me and my two school aged children 6 months ago.

He moved into my place that I own outright with no mortgage.
Before moving in he told me he wanted to contribute to the outgoings.

Since moving in he has not contributed at all financially. He has said he is having a tough time financially and not earning from his work as he’s had a lot of clients drop off but has a big job at the end of the year which will bring him in a big cheque. However he still hasn’t offered or suggested to contribute then.

He will, on occasion, buy some groceries if we go to the supermarket together. He will also pick up things he likes to eat on his own time.

He doesn’t do housework as I pay for a cleaner for a few hours a week and then do the rest myself. He is not messy and tidies away his own things.

His child comes to stay every other weekend and I cook for him and we do things together as a family. Often I book these things for us.

When I say that I do a lot for him he sneers and says that I don’t. He doesn’t see that I am doing anything for him as I would ‘still do all the same things if he weren’t living here.’ Like pay the bills, cook, clean, look after the kids. He does his own laundry.

He comes home to a tidy, looked after home with dinner on the table. Although often he will just get a sandwich on the way back from work and not eat what I’ve made.

Before he moved in we used to spend time at his apartment (where he managed to pay the rent and bills and do the housework all alone) and would go away on breaks together and go for meals out. Most of which he would pay for. Since moving in we don’t do those things anymore. We have been away once and I booked, organised and paid for it all.

Am I being unreasonable to expect him to contribute something towards the expenses or should I wait until he is in a better financial position?

OP posts:
BooBooBaloo · 08/11/2023 17:32

Let us know how you get on OP, of course you wanted to see the good in your partner and give him the benefit of the doubt, but he's proven that this isn't a blip - he doesn't sound very nice to you at all to be honest

SlightlygrumpyBettyswaitress · 08/11/2023 17:33

Frankly, anyone that sneers at you in your own home can jog on.

LaurieStrode · 08/11/2023 17:34

Well said, @HeavenCANTwait

OP, just tell him to leave. You don't OWE him any explanation, rationale, reason or otherwise. It's your house, this isn't working for your family, he needs to get the hell out ASAP. No discussion. He sneered at you, remember? When he is living on your largess and expecting you to arrange things to entertain and feed HIS child. You're his skivvy AND you get to pay for everything, too!

LividMush · 08/11/2023 17:34

@HeavenCANTwait has hit the nail on the head. This is exactly what will happen if you “talk”.

You have two choices, starkly:

  1. Break up with him, immediately
  2. “Talk”, let him be angry, shocked, apologetic, whatever, he’ll offer you money and it won’t help long term because he’s still a cocklodger.

I know it’s easy for randos on mumsnet to tell you to dump him, and I’m sure he once was lovely and all that. But honestly. You own your home without a mortgage. That’s huge. He’s taking the piss and your kids deserve better.

Beaverbridge · 08/11/2023 17:35

Show him the door. You're gaining nothing with him being there.

Lavenderandbrown · 08/11/2023 17:40

Op you and your children are in a canoe. You are navigating the canoe quite skillfully…paying bills owning home providing nourishment enrichment guidance and love to your children. You cannot have a partner hanging off the side of your canoe. Not off the side and certainly not partner or his child in canoe. THEY WILL TIP YOU OVER AND YOU WILL DROWN. this is true irregardless of how much they love you or are nice to you or how much they have done in the past or how dear their child is to you. You cannot let your children drown. This was told to me in 2008. I hadn’t heard cocklodger screamed from the hilltop but I would have listened to that also. This is one very significant risk of successfully managing your canoe as a single parent…..you will absolutely attract partners who want to hang on the side. Live on your own op until your children are older. They will thrive and be very very aware of and appreciative of being put first. Get rid of him op NOW

IVbumble · 08/11/2023 17:42

The real person you met is the person you have living with you now. The person who just wants to use you & your kids.

The person he was at the start was how he is when he's out fishing for someone who he can manipulate really easy. He is incapable of sustaining that behaviour.

He could be seriously in debt & assuming you will be his financial backer. Time to get him out.

There are probably other red flags that you may have overlooked at the beginning.

Passepartoute · 08/11/2023 17:46

If he reckons you are doing absolutely nothing for him, then he has nothing to lose by moving out. Count yourself lucky that he's revealed his true self before you got into a more committed relationship with him.

2jacqi · 08/11/2023 17:47

@Bumblebeee33 are you for real??? I would not even give this man space in my head!!! he is using you probably to enable him to have his son in a larger clean space than he could provide!! get rid of him!

FormerlyPathologicallyHappy · 08/11/2023 17:49

Crikey he needs to go doesn’t he? All the stuff at first was his ideal partner act wasn’t it?

Forgotmycoat · 08/11/2023 17:51

Is he working? If so Where's the money going? if he's not working why not and why isn't he doing everything to get a job, any job?

He dares to call you needy while being reliant on your charity?

op get angry and get rid. He has shown his true colours, this is who he is, not the nice version he put on before he moved in.

frenchfries111 · 08/11/2023 17:56

I hope talking to him = asking him to leave.

Don’t let him gaslight you now with promises that he will pay from now on. He shouldn’t have to be forced to pay his own way.

RandomNutter · 08/11/2023 17:57

Even if you don't care that he's a tight cocklodger (why wouldn't you?), that is taking your and your children's money, surely you care that he sneers at you?

SurelySmartie · 08/11/2023 17:58

Talk to him about what? Do you mean end the relationship? You know this is not recoverable now he’s crossed these lines?

JANEY205 · 08/11/2023 18:00

Please put your kids first if you can’t put yourself first. You are taking from them to provide for Jim’s and his child. Ask yourself why? Why is that ok? (It’s not). Please end the relationship asap OP!!

MaidOfSteel · 08/11/2023 18:00

He sounds nasty. He sneers at you and insults you while treating your home like a hotel. I hope in your conversation tonight you'll be giving him his P45!

This isn't a good example for your kids, though, which I think is the worst part.

You, and your children, deserve better.

JANEY205 · 08/11/2023 18:00

Ps this should be the honeymoon phase! His mask slipped and FAST didn’t it! Get rid of him!

TheWorldisGoingMad · 08/11/2023 18:02

You really need to rethink your life choices. He's using you, pure and simple. Throw him out now while you have a chance. He saw an opportunity for an easy life and he took it. There's no future living with a 'Cocklodger.'

Saggypants · 08/11/2023 18:04

Money issues aside - significant as they are - it doesn't sound like he's a decent person or a good partner. So focus less on who is paying for what and more on setting good standards for you and your kids by fucking him off!

@Lavenderandbrown 's canoe analogy is spot on.

Newestname002 · 08/11/2023 18:05

@Bumblebeee33

OR he’ll offer to change his ways, which he may for a bit, but then return to his cocklodging ways

I agree - be wary. Let him change his ways in his own property. 🌹

LaurieStrode · 08/11/2023 18:11

Newestname002 · 08/11/2023 18:05

@Bumblebeee33

OR he’ll offer to change his ways, which he may for a bit, but then return to his cocklodging ways

I agree - be wary. Let him change his ways in his own property. 🌹

Exactly! If he really cared about you, he would move out and prove himself over a longer period of time as really being interested in a relationship. But since he's mainly in it for the meal ticket, the child care and the sex, he will strop when you tell him to leave. Just watch. He won't mind losing you but he'll be in a frenzy about losing the free ride and housekeeper/cook service.

PickAChew · 08/11/2023 18:11

Good luck.with the talk. Hopefully you will make.it.clear thst the arrangement isn't working and he he needs to move out, pronto.

Userengage · 08/11/2023 18:12

What a shitbag and what a turn off. Please don’t waste your breath trying to appeal to him, he already treats you with contempt. Just tell him to pack his shit and go.

newtlover · 08/11/2023 18:13

stay strong OP

workshy46 · 08/11/2023 18:15

God I can't read this. It is so so depressing the sheer amount of desperate women out there who will literally do anything for a man, include pay one to be with her. I feel so sorry for the children invariable involved, pushed aside for him and his children taking up their mother's time, energy and money

He sure saw you coming, in the unlikely event that you do put your children first and kick him out I would suggest intensive therapy before you date again - figure out why you think you deserve so little and why you would put aside every inch of pride and sense of self to put up with this.