Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Boyfriend not paying towards expenses after moving in with me and my children.

696 replies

Bumblebeee33 · 08/11/2023 10:32

My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years and decided to move in together with me and my two school aged children 6 months ago.

He moved into my place that I own outright with no mortgage.
Before moving in he told me he wanted to contribute to the outgoings.

Since moving in he has not contributed at all financially. He has said he is having a tough time financially and not earning from his work as he’s had a lot of clients drop off but has a big job at the end of the year which will bring him in a big cheque. However he still hasn’t offered or suggested to contribute then.

He will, on occasion, buy some groceries if we go to the supermarket together. He will also pick up things he likes to eat on his own time.

He doesn’t do housework as I pay for a cleaner for a few hours a week and then do the rest myself. He is not messy and tidies away his own things.

His child comes to stay every other weekend and I cook for him and we do things together as a family. Often I book these things for us.

When I say that I do a lot for him he sneers and says that I don’t. He doesn’t see that I am doing anything for him as I would ‘still do all the same things if he weren’t living here.’ Like pay the bills, cook, clean, look after the kids. He does his own laundry.

He comes home to a tidy, looked after home with dinner on the table. Although often he will just get a sandwich on the way back from work and not eat what I’ve made.

Before he moved in we used to spend time at his apartment (where he managed to pay the rent and bills and do the housework all alone) and would go away on breaks together and go for meals out. Most of which he would pay for. Since moving in we don’t do those things anymore. We have been away once and I booked, organised and paid for it all.

Am I being unreasonable to expect him to contribute something towards the expenses or should I wait until he is in a better financial position?

OP posts:
KievLoverTwo · 08/11/2023 16:24

PramPusherCentral · 08/11/2023 16:05

One of the loveliest things I’ve ever read on Mumsnet.
Given me a beautiful warm feeling, thank you.

Treasure this beautiful soul you have found.

How did you meet and what is the secret to such a beautiful love story?

Aww, fanks :)

We 'met' on an online forum. We were online buddies who sometimes met up with others from the same forum for drinks now and then - several times over the course of five years. We were in touch privately, but not terribly regularly.

I always sensed a kindness in him that I was very attracted to, but I had also walked away from MANY relationships where I just wouldn't put up with anyone's shit, that I was so scared to hurt him, too scared to take a risk to see if it would could work out. He's very sensitive.

Then he left the country, and my stupid brain went 'OH FK. WHAT HAVE YOU DONE. LOOK AT WHAT YOU ARE NOW MISSING YOU STUPID, STUPID HEAD, NOW WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?'

And so we got together, a month after he moved to Germany. The first year of our relationship involved a lot of flying!

The rest has been persistence, a refusal to give up, being chucked together 24/7 through Covid, being very isolated, talking, shouting and screaming through things, learning how to cope when both of us have autism and he has ADHD but in ways where we think completely and utterly differently and can't understand each other a good 80% of the time. Even now! :D

I think, for the main, it was a realisation that he was worth it. And I guess I feel the same. But, it has been in no way easy. That realisation makes you never want to give up, no matter how bad things get.

And he just gets even more wonderful the longer we are together.

readingismycardio · 08/11/2023 16:25

How about you kick this shithead out? Cocklodger alert!

tpxqi · 08/11/2023 16:27

Calm down people. OP is winding people up. No person can be that thick.

betterangels · 08/11/2023 16:31

EmmaDilemma5 · 08/11/2023 16:23

YABU to put up with this. 48 months ago you weren't even with the guy - why are you putting up with this?

Pretty much this. Again, your children didn't ask for this fuckwit to suddenly be in their space. Not to mention an extra kid.

Nannylovesshopping · 08/11/2023 16:32

KievLoverTwo, what a lovely story, so happy you have each other, you are both very lucky

heartofglass23 · 08/11/2023 16:34

The very definition of a cocklodger.

Bobbotgegrinch · 08/11/2023 16:38

"he sneers"

I'd dump him for that alone

Mymilkshakebringsallthepapstomycar · 08/11/2023 16:40

Oh colour me surprised, the OP didn't come back. There was another thread a couple of weeks ago. Woman with decent job, mortgage free property, her own kids and. a cocklodger using her house as a contact centre and general flop house. She disappeared too without responding to her thread. I wonder if she's back. It's pretty much the same scenario every week on this site. It's a shame, because, one day, there will be a poster in genuine need guidance and support (not just here for validation or generating replies that make her thread trend). It won't surprise me if, eventually, everyone will be too fed up to reply.

DisquietintheRanks · 08/11/2023 16:42

YABveryU not to throw this guy straight back out.

Pugdays · 08/11/2023 16:45

Are you crazy
Why haven't you thrown the fucker out
Assuming this is actually real , because no woman I know would put up with this

OhComeOnFFS · 08/11/2023 16:57

I think we're reacting just as the OP intended, and she's got her feet up and laughing at us on Reddit right now.

Bumblebeee33 · 08/11/2023 17:08

Thank you everyone who has commented, I can’t believe the amount of you who have! And who clearly feel very strongly about it too. I have now learnt a new word, cocklodger…

I am feeling like a fool right now. I suppose I knew it already, but was hoping he would change back to who he was in the early days.

He spent quite a lot on me and my kids before moving in. Trips, holidays and meals out. He was the perfect guy in every way. He always had time for me and made a real effort. He also paid half towards some furniture before he moved in so he contributed in that way.

Then he has slowly changed and I thought it was the stress of trying to be with us and at his, with his work and with his child. So I stupidly thought that once he moved in it would be easier for him and we would get to spend more time together.

We now don’t spend really any quality time together unless I organise it and even then he isn’t enthusiastic. He says I’m needy for wanting to spend time together.

He said he was having financial difficulties but that it wasn’t the reason he moved in. He moved in because he wanted to be with me/ us. He is now obviously saving the amount he used to spend on his rent and bills. If he can’t afford to help out here I can’t see how it was possible to stay at his old place?! Which means he is lying about his motivation for moving in.

God I’m angry!

He has also told some lies relating to his finances.

I am going to talk to him tonight when the kids are in bed. If of course he isn’t too busy for me.

OP posts:
MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 08/11/2023 17:11

Bumblebeee33 · 08/11/2023 17:08

Thank you everyone who has commented, I can’t believe the amount of you who have! And who clearly feel very strongly about it too. I have now learnt a new word, cocklodger…

I am feeling like a fool right now. I suppose I knew it already, but was hoping he would change back to who he was in the early days.

He spent quite a lot on me and my kids before moving in. Trips, holidays and meals out. He was the perfect guy in every way. He always had time for me and made a real effort. He also paid half towards some furniture before he moved in so he contributed in that way.

Then he has slowly changed and I thought it was the stress of trying to be with us and at his, with his work and with his child. So I stupidly thought that once he moved in it would be easier for him and we would get to spend more time together.

We now don’t spend really any quality time together unless I organise it and even then he isn’t enthusiastic. He says I’m needy for wanting to spend time together.

He said he was having financial difficulties but that it wasn’t the reason he moved in. He moved in because he wanted to be with me/ us. He is now obviously saving the amount he used to spend on his rent and bills. If he can’t afford to help out here I can’t see how it was possible to stay at his old place?! Which means he is lying about his motivation for moving in.

God I’m angry!

He has also told some lies relating to his finances.

I am going to talk to him tonight when the kids are in bed. If of course he isn’t too busy for me.

I'm sorry, OP. It's shit to realise that you've been duped. Just tell him tonight that it isn't working you you and that you want him to move out. And give him a deadline!!!

waitholdup · 08/11/2023 17:12

Well done!! Keep hold of that anger and pack his bags (bin bags) and throw the fucker out

Hunkydory99 · 08/11/2023 17:16

OP your conversation tonight needs to go something like this ‘this isn’t working for me anymore you need to move out’. i can guarantee if you raise the issues generally you’ll either get accused of being unsupportive during this difficult time for him OR he’ll offer to change his ways, which he may for a bit, but then return to his cocklodging ways. Don’t let him scare you into thinking he has any rights if you’re not married but if I were you I would agree to let him take his furniture if you’re feeling generous. Otherwise explain its a contribution towards the rent/food/utilities he hasn’t otherwise paid for

laclochette · 08/11/2023 17:19

@Bumblebeee33 Good luck, stay strong, power yourself on self respect!!!

NicecupofEarlGrey · 08/11/2023 17:20

Rosscameasdoody · 08/11/2023 16:15

Hang on - why not. His own child comes to stay and OP pays for that. Why should it be a one way street ?

His one child visits every other weekend, her two children are there full time. I agree he needs to go and isn’t being fair on her, but I standby the fact he’s not responsible for paying for her kids.

LaurieStrode · 08/11/2023 17:21

Well, maintain that anger.
Even if he was Prince Charming, this really sucks for your kids. They need your focus to be on them, not some interloping man. Especially a shiftless, sneering, mooching prick.

As @Hunkydory99 says, don't give him anything to counter and don't believe any promises he makes when faced with finding his own place to live. He must have family or friends he can go to right now, ASAP, immediately.

Don't fall for his bullshit again. I mean, anyone who called me "needy" would be out the fucking door before the words were out of his mouth! This is his last night under your roof, I hope. Let him find an AirBnB if he doesn't have anyone else to stay with, or sleep in his car.

SweetFemaleAttitude · 08/11/2023 17:22

Don't allow him to be 'too busy' to talk to you.

Just tell him you want him out by X date. And don't fall for any of his bullshit chat.

Good luck.

Crumpleton · 08/11/2023 17:22

He spent quite a lot on me and my kids before moving in. Trips, holidays and meals out. He was the perfect guy in every way. He always had time for me and made a real effort. He also paid half towards some furniture before he moved in so he contributed in that way.

He said he was having financial difficulties but that it wasn’t the reason he moved in.

The two paragraphs above taken from you last post could relate to two different people...yes, I know they don't but from the first one, someone living in their own place, paying all their bills with, I'm assuming no help but his own wage/savings, and spending "quite a lot on me and my kids" to the second one of having financial difficulties to the extent he doesn't contribute anything towards the household seems world's apart.

While there may be a good explanation it does sound very odd.

WalkingThroughTreacle · 08/11/2023 17:23

He's shown his true colours through his actions and frankly that should be enough for you to end it with no ifs, buts or maybes. If you try and discuss it he will either gaslight you, make promises he won't keep or begrudgingly give you the smallest scraps he can dupe you into accepting. Get his freeloading ass out the door and one day you might just fill the vacancy with somebody who actually has some respect for you and sees you as a partner rather than a meal ticket.

HeavenCANTwait · 08/11/2023 17:23

You don't have to talk to him

Women always want to TALK rather than just say THIS FUCKING BULLSHIT ISNT WORKING FOR ME, FUCK THE FUCK OFF !

Is he really going to say 'oh I'm so sorry, here's many thousands of pounds to make up for it'?

Is he FUCK

What he IS going to say is 'grunt, moan, try to push it on you, act the hurt party and THEN offer you £500 a month. You will then be relieved because the conversation is over.

But next month he will make some excuse to not pay, or act angry in some way so you CANT ASK

You are being manipulated. Just tell him to fuck off out of it.

LBFseBrom · 08/11/2023 17:25

BodenCardiganNot · 08/11/2023 10:34

You should just move the fucking leech right back out again.
Imagine being your child and having this foisted on you.

Well said.

You can do without this one, OP. Get rid.

callmeblondee · 08/11/2023 17:29

I got the ick just reading it. Ew is all I can say!

Loopylambs · 08/11/2023 17:32

You need an asset not a liability OP. You and your children deserve more than this loser.

Swipe left for the next trending thread