Boyfriend not paying towards expenses after moving in with me and my children.

[Bumblebeee33]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years and decided to move in together with me and my two school aged children 6 months ago.

He moved into my place that I own outright with no mortgage.
Before moving in he told me he wanted to contribute to the outgoings.

Since moving in he has not contributed at all financially. He has said he is having a tough time financially and not earning from his work as he’s had a lot of clients drop off but has a big job at the end of the year which will bring him in a big cheque. However he still hasn’t offered or suggested to contribute then.

He will, on occasion, buy some groceries if we go to the supermarket together. He will also pick up things he likes to eat on his own time.

He doesn’t do housework as I pay for a cleaner for a few hours a week and then do the rest myself. He is not messy and tidies away his own things.

His child comes to stay every other weekend and I cook for him and we do things together as a family. Often I book these things for us.

When I say that I do a lot for him he sneers and says that I don’t. He doesn’t see that I am doing anything for him as I would ‘still do all the same things if he weren’t living here.’ Like pay the bills, cook, clean, look after the kids. He does his own laundry.

He comes home to a tidy, looked after home with dinner on the table. Although often he will just get a sandwich on the way back from work and not eat what I’ve made.

Before he moved in we used to spend time at his apartment (where he managed to pay the rent and bills and do the housework all alone) and would go away on breaks together and go for meals out. Most of which he would pay for. Since moving in we don’t do those things anymore. We have been away once and I booked, organised and paid for it all.

Am I being unreasonable to expect him to contribute something towards the expenses or should I wait until he is in a better financial position?

It doesn’t matter how thick or long his penis is, Op needs to get rid .
The man is a loser

Bugger the key!

Get the locks changed - there is no guarantee that he hasn't copIed the key already, just in case @Bumblebeee33 came to her senses (as she would sooner or later).

I repeat what I've said Bee, and others have also told you - Get his stuff into a few black bin bags, stick them outside the front door, call a locksmith.

You will have to pay for the locks, obviously, but it will be cheap in the long run.

DO NOT LISTEN TO ANY PLEAS, PROMISES, PERSUASIONS OR DECLARATIONS OF UNDYING LOVE.

If he loved you you wouldn't be on MN asking if you were unreasonable to expect a financial contribution, because he would already be making it - and he'd be helping round the house.

If one woman reads this and thinks, hang on this is where I am and changes because of it then its a worthwhile post.

And while you seem to feel you are the thread police, you're not.

Get rid. He's no good.

No, I'm just a decent person who doesn't kick someone while they're down.

Just to add a bit of perspective to what a guy CAN be like, OP. My other half is the only worker in our house; I am sick and cannot claim benefits, and have been ever since we got together five and a half years ago. He is the sole provider of every single penny spent on us, and it's a responsibility and a burden for him.

He works from home. Every single day, like clockwork, he comes downstairs to me and says 'I'm done for the day, what do you need me to do?'. He then spends up to an hour or so tackling chores I haven't got round to, am not physically capable of, can't get my head around due to M.E. brain fog, or just don't like doing, such as bins (haha, gotcha! get yerself a man who does that without being asked, it's WONDERFUL). Most nights I also get 'do you need me to cook dinner tonight?' If I cook dinner, he washes up, without question, without fail. He runs an inventory of what's in various fridges and freezers scattered throughout the house and garage so I always know what we've got in or not, he tells me when things are running low, and generally takes responsibility for making sure the household is running efficiently, to the best of his ability.

He buggers off miles away to do food shops on his own when I can't cope with the car, despite knowing he'll never be able to get substitutions right and he absolutely loathes supermarkets with a fiery passion.

Every morning, he brings me a tray of coffee, and toast.

Every night, he makes sure I've got water before bed, 'do you want a nightcap?', 'message me if you want anything' (we part ways for separate rooms at 10pm and he's usually gaming til midnight. Poor sod is often up and down the stairs two or three times for me in those two hours.

Can I just reiterate, he is the only one in the house who earns any money?

IT DOES NOT HAVE TO BE LIKE THIS, OP.

When I say that I do a lot for him he sneers and says that I don’t.
Well, time for the cocklodger to stand on his own two feet and do it all alone since you don’t do anything. Please tell me you’re not thinking of continuing this relationship? DIGNITY woman!!

He needs to move straight back out, as everyone has already said. Locks changed the works.

The sneering would be the final nail with me - that shows he’s not well intentioned and has not intention of “helping” (contributing) financially or otherwise.

No more chances for this guy.

It doesn't matter. Sometimes people frame questions in such a way because they are not aware they are being taken advantage of and it's not over-reaching to point this out. It's not kicking someone when they're down to inform them if you believe they're being scammed essentially.

You may be of the school of thought that it's kind to minimise and make excuses of men's poor behaviour to make the other person feel better about it. Personally I think it's this kind of thing that's enabled abusers, CFs and cocklodgers for way, way too long.

It absolutely is kicking someone when they're down to answer 'yes, YABU' when your subsequent comments show very clearly that they are not.

Yes, I get that posters like to act superior and feel they need to 'educate' others. But answering questions in a frank but compassionate manner and not clicking the opposite button to what you're actually saying is not that bloody difficult.

I hope the lack of replies from op means she's seriously taking on board what everyone is saying.
It's only been two months op! It didn't take long for him to show you his real self.
Get rid asap!

I mean, going from “I love this person and want to make a life with him” to “ he’s a cocklodger” is a leap. Understandably OP is probably feeling conflicting emotions right now.

I would suggest a middle path. “ boyfriend, I’ve made boundaries around not letting men abuse me financially or have me do all the work and you have crossed the line. I will give you one month to either prove you can pull your weight or find somewhere else to live.”

One of the loveliest things I’ve ever read on Mumsnet.
Given me a beautiful warm feeling, thank you.

Treasure this beautiful soul you have found.

How did you meet and what is the secret to such a beautiful love story?

The sneering makes me think he is jealous of OP’s mortgage free good fortune.

Surely, otherwise, anyone else would be incredibly grateful and working hard to prove themselves worthy to, OP.

It’s like having a serpent at your breast feeding off you. Vile.

Please get rid of him before he chips away all your confidence and you end up a shell. He will take and take and when it's all gone will leave you. Protect yourself now and throw him out.

Give him 30 days to find a new place to live.

He's is 100% taking the piss and he knows it. He just hopes you'll accept this treatment.

Hang on - why not. His own child comes to stay and OP pays for that. Why should it be a one way street ?

Well, clearly it needs an open conversation, a deadline to change his ways and marching orders if he won't.

Not hard but it depends if you can carry this out.

He's using you.

Oh God not ANOTHER one!

Yet another thread about a freelading exploiter. How/why do women get into these situations?

I'm sorry for you OP but honestly, you need to learn to be more assertive for your own protection.

Op??? Still there??? Any thoughts on these 300 comments??

My late husband was the same. I have a lifelong disability and he knew what he was getting into despite me trying to give him various get out of jail free cards. We were together 40 wonderful years - he gave more than I could ever repay but appreciated that I did my best when I could. The truly amazing thing was that 12 months after he died, I met my now husband who is exactly the same - despite having a health condition of his own. It’s been a learning curve and we look after each other to the best of our ability. There are good men out there. I can tell you that from experience.

this thread is a windup.

He's a fucking disgrace. Shameless.

He doesn't even deserve a conversation. Throw him out.

YABU to put up with this. 48 months ago you weren't even with the guy - why are you putting up with this?